Take Time to Grieve

When my mother suddenly passed away in 1975 at age 48, I tried to be strong. I knew Mom would not want me to be sad, so I did not even go to Hong Kong for her funeral. I focused on finishing college at Berkeley. After all, that's our plan. Mom wanted me to succeed in the United States, and I dreamed of one day buying her a big house and taking her around the world. I tried to move on, but part of me died with her without grieving my loss. Even though I looked successful on the outside, I couldn't help but live in blaming myself or others, or feeling helpless at home. Many inexplicable emotions seriously affected the interaction and relationship between my husband and me.

Birth, aging, illness and death are facts of life. Death reminds us that life is short and impermanent. When a relative or a friend dies, we not only grieve for the deceased, but we may also re-grieve from previous losses we’ve suffered. Some say that time can dilute everything and the passage of time is the great emotional healer. In fact, it’s what you do with that time that is important.

Overwhelming Feelings

Grief and death bring about a variety of feelings, including sorrow, anger, frustration, helplessness, loneliness, guilt, etc. Experiencing these strong emotions can be confusing and worrying.

When we experience loss, well-meaning friends and family may advise us to stay optimistic and look on the bright side of things, calling on us to accept the loss because death is irreversible and everything happens by "God's will." When trying to understand things, even we can’t help but tell ourselves that “maybe everything is for the best.” Any of these suggestions, however, may lead the grieving person to sink further into the emotional abyss, to feel pressured to hide or deny their emotions, or to numb themselves. This will only cause the grieving process to take longer and get in the way of healing.

In our culture, we often assume if something is painful, it must be bad and should not be mentioned. Yet suppressing these feelings and denying the need to grieve can be even harder on both the mind and body than going through the emotions. Pain is a natural part of the grieving process and, if we were to heal, we must allow it.

Going through the Process of Grieving

By acknowledging loss and embracing grief, we have the opportunity to truly go through the grieving process and release the pain within. By experiencing grief, accepting and letting go of the past, and saying goodbye to loved ones who have passed away, we can live fully in the present. We will be less caught off guard or cower in fear when we feel sad again in the future. Only by facing rather than escaping suffering can we regain inner peace and reorder our lives.

When faced with grief, most people need to talk about their feelings, but some people just need quiet companionship. Regardless, someone who are empathetic and willing to listen more and talk less can provide invaluable comfort.

People need ritual. Lighting candles, gathering together for services or memorials, praying, singing and remembering together can provide an outlet for grief.

Spending time in nature can offer solace. Nature allows us to experience the ongoing cycle of the life and death process, and in this we may be able to connect to the larger divine purpose.

Journaling is another concrete way to express your emotions. Writing letters to the deceased also allows us to make amends for not saying goodbye. Even if it is a stranger, you can write a letter to the deceased and pray for his family while you are still grieving for him.

Experiencing grief is a complex process that takes many forms, so be patient with yourself. The most difficult times may come months after the actual loss. At that time, your life seemed to be normal, and your friends thought you were fine. But in your dreams you were still overwhelmed with sorrowing thoughts and guilt... Every time a trigger arises, the most important thing is to face the sadness honestly and understand and accept your own feelings, thoughts and needs.

If your grief lingers for a long time, you may need professional therapy. As someone who has gone through major losses in life, my heart goes out to you.  As a therapist, pastoral counselor, and support group leader, I highly recommend that you face loss with other fellow travelers, experience the presence of God, and accompany each other through the valley of tears.

You are not alone! No matter how difficult it may seem right now, remember to take some time to process your grief. May you find comfort in having a bright future to look forward to, in His time.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

Letting Go: Great Idea. How Do I Do It?

Have you ever experienced any of these?

Hot-tempered young man in a too-fast car cut you off this morning; it’s already noon and you’re still seething?

Husband had an affair 15 years ago and even though you’ve been divorced for seven, your stomach still knots up when you think about it?

You moved to a new city for a great career opportunity but long so much for your old home and your old friends that you can’t find anything to like about the new place?

Your son stays home to care for the kids while your daughter-in-law works at her law practice and this just doesn’t seem right to you?

You know you should let it all go, and you try, but there it is—that same old stuff still getting rent-free space in your head. 

Just exactly how does one let go, so that the residue of the past is put away, forgotten, or transformed into memories that can be called upon and released at will, rather than showing up as memory fragments that grab your attention and consume your energy day and night?

Letting go has to do with living in the present moment rather than the past. It happens when the past isn’t projected into the future, but is left behind where it belongs. It is about making amends when called for, taking care of that which needs attending to, forgiving rather than re-living. 

• Try this: Next time a thought about something that happened in the past floats into your mind, let it pass through without jumping aboard and going along for the ride. If you focus on it, like a weed that gets watered it will grow. Try acknowledging the thought, then, with a deep breath, letting it go.  

•  If the thought that comes along is about something that’s left undone, you may need to take some action before you can let go. Do you need to make amends to someone, apologize, clear up some misunderstanding, write a letter or make a phone call? Perhaps you need to make a list of the actions needed to clear a situation, and set some goals. Begin with small, manageable steps. Whatever you must do, begin. Taking action sometimes precedes letting go.

• Stay in the now and appreciate the circumstances of your life. Make a gratitude list of what you like about wherever you are, not just your living arrangements, but other parts of your life, too.  Get rid of what is no longer appropriate in your life, and create more space for new parts of yourself to show up. 

• Write letters that you may or may not send to people you need to release.  (Caution: always wait a few days and check with someone you trust if you have any doubts about the appropriateness of actually sending a letter.) Write unsent letters to unforgettable situations from your past or to people, even those who have passed away. Write down how you feel, say what you need, surrender them to God in prayer, and then say goodbye.

• Let go by putting away pictures, keepsakes, clothes, gifts and anything else that keeps you actively connected with someone who’s no longer with you. Otherwise, your mind will always be focused on this person's existence, and you will not be able to live well. Only when you are willing to let go can you move on. Of course, dealing with loss and grief takes time, and the process and steps are for another article in another time.

• Make a ceremony of letting go. Burn old letters or journals. Dig a hole in the earth and bury what needs to be buried. Write a letter or vow for the occasion, read it aloud. Light candles, sing songs. And weep, if need be. Include others in your ceremony to witness or assist you. 

• Let go of old ideas. People, lifestyles and cultures change. Talk to others, get other perspectives. Focus on what’s good about change, find the ways it benefits you and others. Holding on to how it used to be keeps you from participating and living better in the present.

• Release thoughts and words that categorize people, that measure or evaluate or that judge or condemn or hold others with expectations. Eliminate words like should, ought, can’t, if only, however, and impossible. Take responsibility and let go of your fears.

Gerald Jampolsky, M.D., author of Love is Letting Go of Fear, wrote, “When we cherish or hold onto grievances, we cannot let go. We become imprisoned.”  Perhaps the highest level of letting go is to practice forgiveness in love.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us." (1 John 4:18-19)

We cannot let go by ourselves alone, but by the Lord Jesus who rose from the dead, because He has forgiven us. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

Don't Destroy Your Happiness

It is human nature to pursue happiness! Unexpectedly, my husband James and I had our first conflict after we got married over sharing a tube of toothpaste.

He said: "Why are you squeezing in the middle and ruining the toothpaste?"

I said: "Why do you have to squeeze up from the bottom? It's too slow! It's so stupid!"

My reaction was huge. I felt sad and disappointed inside because in the three months we dated, James had never said anything was wrong with me. How could he blame me so quickly when saying he would love me forever?

James didn't say anything and quickly bought another toothpaste so that we can each have our own way. But I was still hurt.

In marital and parenting relationship, there are always people who say they really don’t like to argue about trivial things all day long. Unfortunately, they don't know that everyone is pursuing that elusive "happiness". Everyone believes himself or herself is right and hopes that the other person will admit their wrongs. They argue, even to the point of biting and devouring each other. No wonder it is said that we ourselves are our worst enemies.

Here are some things that can take away your happiness. Please be alert and stop them because these behaviors affect your daily interactions with others (whether at home, outside, or online). No matter what, don't forget that your words and actions really matter!

1. Impressing others ... with what you have —your possessions, your accomplishments—don’t result in real relationship or lasting happiness.

2. Blaming. Your response to any situation is your choice. Try making it a learning opportunity—taking responsibility is empowering.

3. Controlling. It doesn't help you feel good about yourself. Honor your boundaries, but make space for others' needs and choices, too.

4. Criticizing. We are all unique and different, not better or worse. Appreciate the differences instead of zeroing in on shortcomings.

5. Whining. Complaining is ineffective, whereas asking for what you want is liberating.

6. Clinging to what is known. When you’re feeling afraid or insecure, be willing to let go of the familiar, take a risk and try something new.

7. Being Ungrateful. Stay aware of all the gifts, grace and blessings that you do have. Express gratitude then surely happiness will follow.

8. Lecturing. Another form of judging. Find more fun and empowering ways to share your knowledge.

9. Negative Self-talk. Train yourself to notice your mind's chatter. Working towards changing negative thoughts to positive ones will transform your life.

10. Fear. Don’t let fear get in the way of progress. Whatever you’ve been dreaming, get going on it. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Everyone needs understanding, support and encouragement from family and friends. Beware that what we think affects how we feel. When James didn’t argue, he thought he was being tolerant. But being ignored when I lost my temper only reinforced my belief that he didn't care.

I felt lonely when I only saw things through my own eyes. The shadow of my family of origin also made me feel fearful, anxious, depressed, and angry about my marriage and the future. These emotions might seem normal, but they built a wall between James and me. It wasn't until I believed in Jesus and felt the incomparable love of Christ that I had a turning point. I realized that I had been unconsciously destroying my own happiness over the years, losing much peace, and suffering in vain.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery... You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Galatians 5:1, 13-15)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

New Beginning in the New Year

At that time, two friends often invited us to church. After saying "no" for six years, I finally accepted their invitation in 1988. We first went to their house for dinner, and then attended a Christmas program which included singing, sharing, and skit performance. The short play mainly compared and contrasted two women: one had money but no love, and the other had no money but had loving relationships. It turned out that one did not have Jesus, but the other had Jesus.

On the morning of January 1, 1989 (Sunday), I thought of those two women and asked myself,  "What do I want? Can people really live differently?"

My friends mentioned a "new" church not far from my home, I decided to go and have a look. That was my first time attending Sunday worship. As soon as I entered the door, I heard singing. Seeing rows of people sitting in a big hall reminded me of the "morning assembly" in my secondary school days. Those were the happiest, calmest and most stable time in my youth. How many years ago was that? I arrived late and left early to avoid talking with people and having to introduce myself. But from that day on, I went to church every Sunday to find some peace and quiet.

On the evening of January 28th (Saturday), I attended an evangelistic meeting to "go and see". The speaker is a doctor-turned-pastor. Like me, he came from Hong Kong to pursue the American dream. All my proud achievements suddenly seemed insignificant compared to his. Unexpectedly, at the peak of his career, he also experienced loneliness and emptiness, and he also neglected family relationships. When he was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer, he turned back to seek the God whom he had heard of in his youth ... 

After his testimony, someone led us to sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". My heart was deeply moved by the lyrics "Oh, what peace we often forfeit, Oh, what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer!" I couldn't help but sob. It turned out that I also needed the Savior Jesus!

In the new year, may you know the one true God and the real you, for "if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Old things have passed, but our old habits and old influences are still there. We need to trust and obey, live by the grace of the Lord, and let God change us. As the Serenity Prayer says, ""God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Have you ever had trouble achieving your New Year's resolutions? You are not alone. Most people who make resolutions cannot abide by them on their own. However, here are ten ways to make and keep your New Year’s resolutions or any changes in your life.

1. Make resolutions you care about. Be certain the change you want to make really matters to you, and that it’s not just something you think you “should” do.

2. Be specific and concrete. Not “I want to lose weight” but “I want to lose five pounds by March 15.” State your goals in measurable and attainable terms.

3. Make time. If you want to exercise three times a week, write the dates and times in your calendar.

4. Easy does it. Start slowly. Don’t expect to run a marathon by February if you can’t make six miles now.

5. Do it differently. If you’ve made the same old resolution for ten years and never been able to keep it, do something differently this time.

6. Emphasize the positive. Better to say what you can do rather than what you can’t.

7. Start over if you need to. Don’t let one slip cause you to quit the whole program.

8. Share your resolutions with a buddy. It’s easier to exercise with supportive family and friends.

9. Believe in yourself. Post positive, affirming, and encouraging words to your bathroom mirror, desk, and refrigerator.

10. Celebrate your successes. Congratulate and reward yourself.

I pray that God will lead you to make the resolutions you most care about and start the new year with a new beginning.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us—yes, establish the work of our hands." (Psalm 90:12,17)

                                                       Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications