Ten Fears that Ruin Relationships

Loving someone is risky business, so it's natural that fear is present in relationships. But when fear operates in our life in a way that hurts us or hurts others—through aggression or withdrawal—it becomes a problem. Recognizing these fears and how they affect our life can help us make the necessary changes to get the love we want.

1. Fear of losing freedom. Tied down, trapped, cornered, stuck—this "claustrophobia" points to mistaken beliefs about what relationships are supposed to be. The ability to say No in a loving and respectful way, and to set clear and fair boundaries, is an essential ingredient of a healthy relationship.

2. Fear of conflict. Let's face it—love can be messy. But it doesn't have to be destructive. Constructive communication skills can be learned. When handled with caring and respectful communication, conflicts can become vital building blocks of deeper trust and intimacy.

3. Fear of change. Change means work, discomfort and uncertainty. But oh, the rewards of growth and depth and renewal! Try being curious about the changes in you, your partner and your relationship. Apply this to your children, parents, siblings, and other people you care about!

4. Fear of giving up or losing control. We don't have to surrender personal power in a healthy relationship. In fact, in a healthy relationship both partners feel equal while each maintains their uniqueness. If it is a choice between being in control and experiencing true love, which will you choose?

5. Fear of pain. It is not love that creates pain, but our attachments and expectations about what love and relationships, and the behavior of those we love, are supposed to look like. Ultimately, we must decide whether we trust fear or trust love—which of those are we going to "feed?"

6. Fear of being "found out." When we hide our true self from those we love, we're usually afraid that our true self is unlovable. The fear of being found out is the fear of being fully known. When we accept that no one is "perfect," we can open to the marvelous adventure of being deeply known by another and truly getting to know our beloved.

7. Fear of losing self. Often this comes from watching others (parent, friend, relative) suppress their individuality in relationship. The generous giving of oneself—our time, attention, caring and skills—is vital to the success of a relationship, but equally important is to be able to receive from your loved one what they wish to give you. Giving up your needs for your partner is not a loving act, for it means there is less of you present in the relationship.

8. Fear of not being enough. When we fear our own inadequacy, we often expect perfection in our partners. So we use this expectation as a defense against those feelings of inadequacy. We have the choice of taking the risk to love and be loved, or be alone, feeling isolated, with our story of inadequacy. Try changing that story to the true one: that you are a unique, magnificent and lovable being.

9. Fear of rejection. To avoid being rejected, we may push other people away, testing their love, or abandoning them before we ourselves are abandoned—and thereby making our beliefs a reality. Or to avoid being rejected, we may become pleasers, taking our authentic needs and desires out of the equation. Either way, we are not fully committed to being authentically present in the relationship.

10. Fear of dependency. Some people worry about losing the ability to take care of themselves, and others worry about being responsible for their loved one. Neither option creates a fulfilling relationship. To avoid those situations and create a healthy interdependency, stay aware of the boundaries between you and your loved one, and remember that, while you are supportive of each other, you are each responsible for your own feelings and well-being.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)

There are conflicts in interpersonal relationships because everyone is used to seeing things with their own eyes and instinctively protecting themselves. Letting go of fear is easier said than done.

Thank God that in the wilds of Bethlehem one night more than two thousand years ago, an angel said to the shepherds, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” (Luke 2:10-12)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Cultivating a Grateful Heart

It was another Sunday evening family time online. I was in a breakout room with my third and fifth grandkid. I read a children's book animatedly and they listened attentively. Even my two-year-old granddaughter sat still. After that, they began to draw.

After a while, I said, "Brother Bear and Sister Bear learned to take care of each other, just like the two of you." Looking into my grandson's eyes, I added: "You are a kind and gentle big brother. I like the way you take care of your younger sisters. After your baby sister was born, I visited all of you. When we walked in the park, you held your little sister’s hand. Remember?"

He looked at me with an innocent smile. "Really? I don't remember." Immediately his youngest sister jumped up, raised her right hand to the sky, and said excitedly, "I 'member!"

"Oh, you were the little baby I was holding, but I'm glad you remember."

It may be easy for us to be grateful when everything is going well. But with so many bad news in the world, near and far, do you sometimes find it hard to give thanks?

Counting blessings and giving thanks can free our minds from troubles. I like to use the following checklist around Thanksgiving to cultivate a grateful heart. Please try one or two questions.

1. What one biggest gift (tangible or intangible) have you received this year?

2. What two things changed your life this year?

3. What three incidents help you grow in your faith this year?

4. What are the four blessings in your family that you would like to thank God for?

5. What five happy experiences have you had?

6. Even if we take them for granted, which six things God created are necessary for our existence?

7. In your home or outside, which seven people are you most grateful for?

My biggest gift in 2019 is our fifth grandchild. After my daughter-in-law's mother took care of them for a month, I went to help for 24 days. I could hold the baby all day long, even though I had to first sit down and wait for her parents to bring her. I also enjoyed spending time with my other grandchildren, playing one game after another, and reading one storybook after another. In a blink of an eye, the baby is now two years old!

Staying home during the Pandemic has allowed me to walk and talk with my husband every day, and my sciatica pain seems to be gone. It is by the grace of God that we can meet with our son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren online every week. I sincerely thank my Lord.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Have you experienced the grace of God? In boredom and busy, don't forget to enjoy the people in your life and give thanks for them. Let me listen to your gratitude and stress, and pray for you. Happy Thanksgiving!

Try New Ways to Communicate with Your Child

Parents are unique and so are their children. But there are common areas of concerns that parents can do something about. One of such areas is communication.

You probably have heard the saying that “Nobody cares about what you say unless they know you care.”

Parents who love their kids are devastated when preteens and teenagers yelled, “You don’t care!”

If you frequently get that comments from your child, no matter how old they are, pause, take a deep breath, and take some time to reflect on what is going on.  You love your child but how come she or he does not get it?

Does it surprise you that many children and teenagers complain about parents nagging them, being angry and critical of them, not listening to them, or not trusting them? If you have the tendency of reasoning with them but getting nowhere, and if you fear that your relationship is going down the drain, restore your hope by checking whether you could communicate better.

The Bible says, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).

Listening is not easy.  Journalist Mignon McLaughlin once said, "We hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that, and remember only half of that."

When our minds are distracted (e.g. "hey, what is there for lunch?") or we are preparing for a comeback (e.g. "no no no, you get it wrong!"), we are at best half listening. Even worse, we interrupt the other person in mid sentence. In frustration, they interrupt us back hoping their points can be understood. And the vicious cycle continues.

Regarding the content of your talk, the four-sides communication model by Friedemann Schulz von Thun reminds us that every message has four sides (e.g. facets and aspects): fact, self-disclosure, relationship, and appeal.

Not surprisingly, most people put different emphasis on different side(s), depending on who they are talking with and how much time we have.

Which sides do you think are most often communicated by parents to their children?

If you say "facts and appeals", you are right! For many valid reasons (e.g. we don't have time, we have to get something else done, etc.), common parent-child communication is usually limited to "facts and appeal" such as:

"It's late. Go to bed now!"
"You have a test tomorrow, stop playing game and start studying."
"You are not getting enough sleep. Don't waste time on the Internet."
"Your grade is getting worse and worse. You are always chatting and doing homework at the same time. Change your study habit."

The list can go on and on. When it comes to the four aspects of communication, most parents admit that they rarely include relationship (e.g. "I love you") and self-disclosure (e.g. "I'm worried about you not getting enough sleep") when they communicate with their children. These two aspects are particularly important for heart-to-heart connection, and can be strengthened by parents.

When not listened to by their parents, children gradually lose their desires to talk. Some of them get angry and yell back in power struggles; others hold everything inside and become more and more depressed, withdrawn and isolated. Either ways, they have given up talking with their parents. The communication channel is broken.

But when parents start to listen to their children's thoughts, feelings, needs and dreams, many parent-child relationships will improve. Would you like to give it a try?

The Lord Gives Peace

Four days after the "September 11" terrorist attacks in 2001, James and I drove our son to college. In order to arrive the campus early on move-in day, we spent the night at a friend's house nearby. Unexpectedly, even though we arrived pretty early, there were already fleets of cars and vans with incoming students around the dormitory area. We had to line up obediently and wait for the moving service provided by the upper classmen.

Through the winding paths we arrived at the dormitories. The moving team effectively moved our son's luggage into the suite upstairs to the place where our son would live with five other guys. He took the initiative to greet people graciously. I felt relieved watching him initiating interaction with ease. The older brother of one of his roommates noticed his cross necklace and asked whether he was a Christian. They had a good conversation and quickly exchanged phone numbers.

Our son installed his computer with lightning speed and confirmed that everything was working properly. When I was still making his bed, father and son both sent and received emails on the Internet. Sitting at his desk with his hands behind his head, our son looked at the scenery outside the window and proclaimed, "This place is like a palace." Without wasting any time, James declared, "Time to go." Although I was caught off guard, I was able to replied quickly, "Let's go to the bookstore and help buy his text books."

Flooded with sadness of separation, it was hard to suppress the ups and downs in my heart. All I could do was to slow down, pretending I was enjoying the beautiful campus. I took many photos just to delay the inevitable. When we arrived at the bookstore, our son was quick to find his textbooks and lined up to pay with his credit card. Part of me was so proud of him, but part of me had a trace of reluctance. How did he grow up so fast? When we stepped out of the bookstore, James said again, "Time to go." Although I felt incredulous, I pretended to be calm. I looked at my watch and came up with a new idea, "Hey, it's almost noon. Let's have lunch and stay with him for two more hours." They didn't object, but we were strangely silent on the way to the dining hall.

As we were walking, I had many questions in my mind, "Why are they so eager to separate? Other children are reluctant to let their parents go home. Does my son no longer love me? Why doesn't my husband support me?" Suddenly, I thought of "September 11" with news reporting possibilities of additional terrorist attacks. I thought about never seeing my mom again after I came to the United States for college because she died of heart failure two years later. What if...? I had so many mixed feelings, and I couldn't help but feeling sad.

While lining up for food in the dining hall, our son suddenly asked, "Mom, are there tears in your eyes?" It was then that I had to talk about the various struggles and feelings in my heart, e.g. anger, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, and fear ... Thank God that both father and son listened and nodded. They understood and accepted my thoughts and feelings! It turned out that they were also reluctant to part ways, but were hoping to relieve the tension and shorten the pain!

After lunch, I suggested, "Let's take some more pictures on campus, and mom will go home in two hours." They both burst into laughter, knowing that I was delaying on purpose. When James took the final picture, our almost six-foot-tall son put his arm around my shoulder. The tears in my eyes and the smile on my face were a bittersweet proof of a mother sending her son to college.

It was almost midnight when we arrived home. Our son had already sent us an email, "Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for sending me to college. I'm fine, don't worry, the friend I met today will pick me up for church tomorrow morning. Good night. Love you!"

"People have sorrows and joys, departure and reunion. The moon has cloudy, sunny, round and lack." These verses by Poet Su Dongpo describe the gathering and separation of lives, but Jesus is our protection at any time, and He gives us peace. Jesus said to his disciples, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)

Emotional Trauma

Emotional trauma refers to any experience that threatens our life or well-being. It includes being humiliated, molested or beaten by parents, teachers, or others in childhood; as well as experiencing unemployment, divorce, sudden death of relatives, other life-changing accidents or wars.

Whether the trauma occurred in childhood or adulthood, it changes your perception of yourself and your world. If you were young when the trauma occurred, you will likely have more scars, because you were more vulnerable and had fewer coping skills.

Our human instinct is to protect ourselves and we do that, often, by finding ways to cut ourselves off, through denial that we have been hurt, dissociation from the painful event, or repression of the memory of the trauma. The symptoms of unresolved trauma may include, among many others, addictive behaviors, an inability to deal with conflict, anxiety, confusion, depression or an innate belief that we have no value.

Interpersonal Influence

Living with unresolved wounds and bringing all the resulting behaviors to your relationships is clearly not conducive to healthy, happy intimacy.  When your emotional health has been compromised and you soldier on through life without resolving the trauma that has occurred, the wounds will continue to get worse, primarily in how you perceive and treat yourself—and then spilling into your relationships with the most important people in your life.

When the trauma remains unresolved, there will likely be frequent triggers that cause an emotional reaction—behaviors on the part of others that unintentionally act as cues or reminders of the original trauma. For example, if you had parents who were emotionally distant or physically absent when you were a child and you felt abandoned, then your spouse's coming home late from work could trigger your deep feeling of being ignored, rejected, even abandoned. Your spouse (or your friend, relative or colleague) may have only your best interest in mind, but when you see life through your scars, you experience attacks where none are intended. Likewise, when you see yourself as unworthy, you may not be able to effectively express and preserve your sense of worth in relationships.

The unresolved trauma is the filter through which you see the world and all your relationships. It happened to me. I experienced many childhood traumas, including being despised by my grandmother because I am a girl. She said to my Dad after I was born: "Your wife has given birth to two girls in a row. If you want a son, you'd better go elsewhere." That toxic suggestion spurred my Dad to start an affair. When I was one year old, my Mom found out about Dad's mistress who just gave birth to a son. Growing up, I thought I was not worthy of love because I was a girl. I studied hard to seek approval through my good grades. As an adult, I carried my Mom's deep hurt and betrayal to the point that I was afraid to trust my husband. Always protecting myself, I put on a hard shell of being "capable and self-reliant," and almost destroyed my marriage and family.

I thought I could prove my worthiness by working hard and performing well. However, I found that, no matter how much I had achieved, I could not get rid of my shame and guilt of being a girl who caused problems for my parents. As a new believer, God used a Bible verse to heal me: "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27). Now I know my worth as an image bearer of God.

Healing Wounds

Just like physical wounds, emotional injuries also require care and attention to heal. Here are some ways to begin to address and heal the trauma and change the effect it has upon your life and relationships:

1. Understand trauma and its effects. Read books about recovering from trauma. Talk with a therapist to see what behaviors in your life may be related to an early traumatic event.

2. Write down past and present experiences in your journal. Share what happened with a trusted friend or counselor. By telling your story, you may discover the connections between what is happening now in your life and what you carry with you from the past.

3. From an observer's perspective, pay attention to all your thoughts and feelings. In relationships, recognize the difference between now and then. For example, a spouse coming home late from work is just that.

4. Pay attention to being triggered and the "self-talk" that follows. Beware that when you are triggered, what you are feeling in the present moment may actually come from the past. Saying “I feel triggered (by what you said or did)" can be a great way of stepping outside of your emotional reaction to talk about what happened without assigning blame.

I thought my past history would not hurt me as long as I forgot about injury from my family of origin. But when I was triggered, all of a sudden, I would automatically reverted back to my old self-protective mechanism. In order to resolve my trauma, I began to share my triggers with my husband so that he could understand, accept and support me. By the grace of God, James and I have created a graceful environment to support each other. It is wonderful to live in a safe zone among safe people who are saved by grace. We are spreading the words of how this path of grace applies to families and faith communities.

5. Cultivate emotional resilience. Recognize your feelings instead of pushing them away. Feel your sadness or anger in the moment. Notice where this feeling is in your body (e.g. throat or heart), and allow your emotion to be a guide towards recovery.

6. Learn new ways of self-soothing. Healing entails having the tools to soothe and comfort yourself. What soothes you? Music? Journaling? A hot water bottle? A warm bath? Exercise? Develop new self-care behaviors, and let your self-love spill over into your relationships.

7. Consider the spiritual dimension. View your life as part of a bigger picture. Seeing the pains you have been through in a new light may help you discover a hidden gift: Have you become stronger, more alive, and more compassionate?

8. Take your time. Everyone's pace is different. We all need to be healed in our own way and in our own time. If the process becomes too intense, please slow down, take a break, and get support.

The healing of trauma, like the healing of a broken arm, is essential to a healthy, functional life. Moving towards a healed life and realigning with your own wholeness will bring you more fully into the present, making room for connection, intimacy, and freedom.

Being saved by Jesus means that I have been freed from the bondage of sin and death. With my new identity as a child of God, I no longer have to subject myself to old dysfunctional habits. Now every day, I gratefully hold onto this truth of being a new creation in Christ, moment by moment: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, and the old things have passed away, and all have become new." (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Give Your Relationship a Tune Up

Buy a car and you get a wonderful machine, ready to go for thousands of miles and, likely, many years. You also get a hefty owner's manual with operating instructions and lots of written reminders for yearly check-ups and tune-ups. Chances are you'll have several years of warranty, and of course, if something is seriously wrong, you can take it back.

Find a partner—and you're on your own. There seems to be no owner's manual, no operating instructions, warranty or guarantees for the road ahead. But is it true?  As a Christian, how do you feel about treating the Bible as an instruction book for life, marriage and interpersonal relationships?

Most of us can do without a car if need be, but few of us want to do without love. Within most of us, there is a basic human longing for connection and relationships with others. For many, the backdrop of a loving, committed relationship gives us the space to learn about ourselves and grow deeper as we age.

Like cars, relationships need maintaining and regular tune-ups. But because they don't come with operating instructions, below is a simple maintenance guide to help you keep your love relationship strong, healthy and on the road for years.

Know What Kind of Driver You Are
Recent research has shown several things strengthen a marriage and other long-term partnerships: communication, honesty and spending time together. Just as important is knowing yourself and what you bring to a relationship. When you connect with yourself, and work on those challenging parts of yourself, you create a stronger and better partner for someone else. That isn't just true in the first flush of falling in love, it's true for the many years that follow. It was said that, "Being intimate with ourselves is the necessary foundation for being intimate with others."

It's Not Always the Other Driver's Fault
Taking responsibility for your feelings and actions is one of the greatest gifts you can bring to a relationship. Do you know the worst driver on the road just might be you? Own up to what's yours, and be clear with your partner about what you're feeling or needing. Try not to make your problems their fault.

"We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check." (James 3:2)

Watch the Warning Lights
Cars give us little signs that something is wrong—perhaps the wheels are out of alignment or the oil light goes on. Our partners or spouses also send little warning signs that something is not quite right, and it's better to deal with the problems in the early stages, so that everything is in good working order when real crisis hits. After all, when another car pulls out in front of you, that's not the time to wonder if you had the brakes checked.

A Wash and Wax Doesn't Hurt
Are you a road hog? An impatient and irritable driver? Do you refuse to let someone into line during traffic or lean too heavily on your horn? Try a little tenderness. Sometimes we treat people we don't know a lot better than the ones we've lived with for years, and we forget simple courtesies: a loving tone, a touch, a word of appreciation.

Accept the Little Dents and Scratches
Even the "perfect" car turns out to have quirks and challenges. So do our partners—those "perfect" people we fell in love with once upon a time. Before you get angry, decide which issues are worth pursuing, and let the rest go.

Bless This Car
How many of us are grateful for this metal conglomeration of thousands of parts that somehow work together to take us to where we want to go? The same goes for our love relationships. Stop, turn off the ignition and take a moment to be grateful for your spouse or partner and the love you both share.

Get Help Before the Engine Fails
Like a car, you can fix many of the small problems in a relationship by yourself. But sometimes that ominous clanking under the hood is a signal that something is seriously wrong and a quick fix won't work. That's when it's time to find a "relationship mechanic"—that is, a counselor or therapist—who will help you diagnose what's wrong, and guide you on getting your relationship back on the road.

A relationship with another human being is so much more complex than owning a car. So, too, is the work required to keep a long-term relationship vibrant, passionate and strong. In the end, maintaining something that enriches us is surely worth the investment and sacrifice.

Are you desperate for hope, help and healing in your relationship? I'd be glad to share with you a tune-up grounded in God's love, acceptance and forgiveness that saves marriages.

Forgiveness Brings Freedom

In his book, The Weight of Glory, C.S. Lewis wrote this about forgiveness: "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."

Connecting with God

When people get hurt, they often react with resentment, anger, rage, and even hatred. While some of these feelings may be appropriate responses, holding on to them will cause more emotional pain and stress. Nurturing old wounds and resentments is like tending weeds in a garden. The more care you give them, the more they take over until there's no room for the feelings that can nourish you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning inappropriate behavior and excusing personal violations. It doesn't mean hiding or denying what was done. To forgive someone of something doesn't necessarily mean turning the other cheek so that you can be hurt again. To forgive doesn't mean you forget that you were harmed. Or that you felt the way you did as a result.

What it does mean is letting go of the feelings of anger or resentment, so that you can get on with your life. Forgiving is a process -- sometimes slow -- that heals wounds and returns our power to us. So long as we hold onto old feelings, we give control of our lives over to those who have hurt us. Forgiveness sets us free.

In spite of this tremendous potential of freedom, could mere mortals really forgive? The Bible (Luke 5:20-21) recorded that Jesus said to a paralytic, "Man, your sins are forgiven you." In their heart, the Pharisees retorted, "Who can forgive sins but God alone?" It is true that forgiveness of sins is beyond human. Thanks be to God, that the spirit of each Christian has been united with the Spirit of Christ (Romans 6:5). Therefore, each is given the resource for true forgiveness.

Renewing Your Mind

Forgiving is an active process. Christians could practice forgiveness through the renewing of their mind (Romans 12:2). To get from here to there is a journey to be traveled. But you don't have to take it alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help along the way. Here are some suggestions:

• Acknowledge all the feelings. Though anger and resentment might be on top, beneath may lie feelings of hurt, betrayal, loss and grief. Uncovering these more tender emotions may be painful, but, like curves in the road, it is part of the journey to be traveled.

• Stop blaming. So long as you hold someone else responsible for your feelings or circumstances, you continue to hand over the control of your life to others. As a Christian, you belong to Christ and the Holy Spirit dwells in you. Therefore, you could rely on the divine resource within you to forgive.

• Release the desire for revenge. The wish to inflict suffering or pain on the person who hurt us keeps us in a place of suffering and pain. We cannot experience the freedom of forgiveness until we are willing to move away from the need to punish. We can refrain from taking justice into our own hands because God is the judge of all.

• Learn to accept. It's virtually impossible to stop judging. However, the fewer negative judgments, the easier it is to accept the established facts. Does complaining about "the weather is awful" or "the sunset is not pretty" really change things? Acceptance is an expression of forgiveness.

• Decide to confront or not. Talking with the person who has harmed you may or may not be the best action to take. You need Godly wisdom and timing. Professional counseling can help you in making this decision.

• Let go. Only through releasing all feelings of anger, resentment, or animosity can forgiveness be unconditional. Unforgiveness is incompatible with our new spirit in Christ. Letting go is possible only because we now trust that God cares for us. Forgiveness would free us from captivity and bondage of the past when we let the Holy Spirit lead our new life.

Practicing Changes

When we say, "I'll never forgive myself," we sentence ourselves to a life of guilt and shame. Forgiveness is not just an outward expression toward others. Turning the open hand of forgiveness inward is one of the greatest gifts that God has given us. When we forgive ourselves we acknowledge our human limitations, release ourselves from our own judgments and practice self-acceptance. These actions are essential for a life of freedom and joy.

You can practice self-forgiveness in the following ways:

•      accepting yourself rather than judging yourself
•      honoring yourself rather than blaming yourself
•      nurturing yourself rather than criticizing yourself
•      releasing the past rather than holding onto it

All the above is possible only through identifying yourself with the new spirit already in you because, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Forgiveness, even self-forgiveness cannot be forced. And it may not come easily. Like many other skills we must learn, self-forgiveness takes practice. If you are unable to immediately release the past and move on, be forgiving of yourself and continue the practice.

Still find it hard to forgive someone or yourself? Remember, your Heavenly Father has forgiven you in His Son. God loves you. You belong to Him as His children. Nothing can separate you from His love. Approach His throne boldly.

"If we confess our sins, He (God) is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

I'm so grateful that my Dad believed in Christ a few months before he died of lung cancer. A few years later, I became a Christian and learned to love and to forgive.

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

A Loving Mother with Needlework

Mother's Day is coming again. This year I miss not only my mother, but also my mother-in-law, my second mother.

On March 10 this year, my mother-in-law went to be with the Lord in her sleep. In her memorial service, James' older sister showed everyone a beautiful sweater knitted by their mom. At the graveside service, James' younger brother recited the poem "You Zi Yin" by poet Meng Jiao of the Tang Dynasty.  I found an English translation on the Internet to share with you:

A Traveler's Lament by MENG Jiao, translated by Betty Tseng

"A loving mother busied herself with needlework
On clothes for a son who was going away;

On the eve of his departure she sewed thread after thread,
Worrying that his return would be delayed and late.

How could the love of grass only inches tall
Ever reciprocate spring after spring of sunshine day after day?"

Skillful Hands of Mommy (My Mother)

Mommy is what I called my beloved mother. At the end of August 1973, the day before I left Hong Kong to study in the United States, Mommy accidentally burned my favorite silk blouse while ironing. However, Mommy quickly tailored the burnt collar from sharp corners to rounded corners, and turned my tears into laughter.  The next day we embraced and said goodbye. It was the last time we saw each other.

Two years later, Mommy suffered a heart attack and died in Hong Kong at the age of 48.  Another Chinese saying described how I felt: "The son wants to provide but the parents are no longer there." For years, I was tormented by the thought that I failed to fulfil my childhood promise to buy her a house and take her traveling. I never had the chance to take care of Mommy as she aged (she didn't). But the most regrettable thing is that she had never seen my husband and son.

"Why did I leave Mommy for the United States?" There was a knot in my heart for many years. I couldn't forgive myself until I became a believer in 1989.

The Story of Mama (My Mother-in-Law)

Mama is what I called James' mother after we got married. Mama  had a happy and easy-going personality. It is hard to imagine that she lost her father at the age of 6 and was raised by her widowed mother and widowed grandmother. (Both lost their husbands in their twenties.)

In 1948, Mama took a boat to Taiwan to marry her fiancé. She did not expect her separation from her mother and grandmother would be permanent. Mama got married, taught school, and raised four children. She walked with her husband through many challenges, including moving to the United States in 1968.

In 2000, James' father passed away after a stroke and Mama experienced tremendous grief. Attending seminary at the time, James visited her weekly on a weekday and read the Bible with her. Mama was a skeptic about resurrection (although she was a Catholic) but eventually she believed in Salvation through Jesus Christ and understood and accepted the sovereignty of God.

In 2003, James took Mama to join a senior fellowship in a Christian church. Mama was invited to start a Chinese painting class in 2004 and taught until she was 92 years old. Mama lived a meaningful and joyous life by participating in Thursday fellowship and Sunday worship, teaching Tuesday Chinese painting class, and enjoying time with her children, grandchildren and friends.

Unless we were out of the Bay Area, James and I visited Mama every Sunday. It was always a special time instead of just a routine. Mama loved to sing hymns and praise songs. After Sunday dinner, Mama and James sang one song after another while I played the piano. We read the Bible, talked about happenings during the week, and prayed together. Every Monday morning, we took her for a walk around Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park, year after year.

She loved looking at photos in her family albums. Many times she would suddenly say, "Winnis, thank you for bringing James to church so that Baba and I can also know the Lord Jesus."

I remember a time when James and I were going to Europe to train disciples of Christ. As usual, Mama walked us downstairs. Before we left, she hugged me tightly and said, "Winnis, thank you for taking care of James all these years." I hugged her back and said, "Mama, thank you! I love you!"

Thank God that James' younger sister and her husband moved Mama to live downstairs with them three years ago. During the COVID-19 Pandemic, James' sister helped Mama to zoom with us every Sunday until two weeks before her passing.

On the afternoon of March 5th, our brother-in-law called James and said that Mama was approaching her end. We rushed to San Francisco immediately. Mama was in bed with her eyes closed, but she still responded to her favorite songs: "Whom I Have But You", "Jehovah is Love", "Sing a Heavenly Song", and "Thanks to God for My Redeemer".

Gifts from Mothers

Thank God that I have two mothers who love me. Mama lived for 98 years and Mommy was only alive for 48 years. I have learned that nobody can control how long we live. But whether our life is long or short, we can still make the best of our lives because living is the grace of God.

I love Mommy because she encouraged me and sacrificed for me. I admire Mama because she pursued the development of a healthy true self throughout her life, and was the pillar of her family. Mama used her words and examples to build a healthy and happy marriage and family.

After Mama believed in the Lord, she even lived out a Christ-centered life in faith.  Other than her own children, grandchildren and friends, she served faithfully in church, leaving many precious gifts to the next generations.

Reflecting on Mama's life, James realized how God had looked after her all her life, even when she left China for Taiwan and then moved to the United States. In Taiwan, Mama believed in God when some nuns visited the school she taught in. Through the hard years of immigrant life, God kept her faithful in attending Mass every week. Although she did not know Christ before understanding the Bible, she held on to God's love and faithfulness.

What can a mother leave for her children? The apostle Paul once wrote to Timothy, "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." (2 Timothy 1:5)

Hoping Is Not A Hopeless Endeavor

Having a healthy dose of hope can be motivating and inspiring. It keeps people focused on what's ahead instead of what's in the past. It can also help keep the focus on possibilities, and reframe obstacles as opportunities.

For some, however, being hopeful goes hand-in-hand with feeling naïve or foolish when things don't work out as planned. They would rather not have hope at all if it means later disappointment.

But for others, having hope doesn't mean living in denial of life's difficulties; it simply reminds them there are better times ahead.

The Benefits of Hope

Research indicates that it's more beneficial to have hope than not. Hopeful people tend to show more resilience when faced with difficulties. They have healthier lifestyle habits and, on the whole, are more successful, personally and professionally.

According to the Mayo Clinic, having a hopeful, positive attitude has health benefits as well. These include: increased life span, reduced depression, lowered levels of distress, increased resistance to the common cold, greater emotional and psychological well-being, decreased risk of death from cardiovascular disease, and improved coping skills during difficulties and stress.

In addition, people with hope typically have meaningful long- and short-term goals, a plan to achieve those goals, flexibility to find alternate ways to achieve goals when faced with obstacles, and positive self-talk.

We human beings are sometimes too inventive for our own good -- we can envision a future course of action along with every potential catastrophe that could occur along the way. Being aware of everything that can go wrong often makes doing nothing -- in an attempt to avoid failure or pain -- seem like a viable option.

Cultivating hope, on the other hand, helps activate creativity and inventiveness and prompts us to solve the predicaments we face by taking action in spite of our fears.

Hope brings with it the belief that things can change for the better. Regardless of how dire things may seem, there is potential for a positive outcome.

Is It Possible to Be Too Hopeful?

It could be said that optimists have a healthy dose of hope while "extreme optimists" suffer from blinding hope. They want nothing to do with bad news.

Researchers at Duke University found that extreme optimists (you could call them "high-hopers") don't save money, don't pay off credit cards and don't make long-term plans, but they are more likely to remarry if divorced.

Moderation, as usual, is the key. The researchers also found that "moderate optimists" tend to work harder, work longer hours, make more money, save more money, and pay off credit cards.

Being a moderate high-hoper doesn't mean keeping your head in the sand when it comes to life's occasional unpleasant circumstances. It just means keeping a positive attitude -- believing the best will happen, not the worst.

Studies seem to suggest that being hopeful is a skill that can be learned. So whether you're an extreme optimist, an extreme pessimist or somewhere in between, there is hope for us all.

A Different Kind of Hope that Gives Us Strength

Feeling the love of God and believing in Jesus as our resurrected Lord has brought us a different kind of hope.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:1-5)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Have a Goodnight's Sleep

According to a National Sleep Foundation poll a few years ago, 40% of adults say they get less than seven hours of sleep on a weeknight, compared with the seven to nine hours that are recommended.

Of course, most of us know this. We burn the midnight oil, we get up way before the kids just to get things done. Our days are go, go, go! And it’s often hard to stay asleep once we get there.

And while most of us know that too little sleep makes us cranky, less focused and less available to those who need us, did you know this?

• Bodies deprived of sleep produce less leptin, an appetite-regulating hormone; this increases our craving for sweets and salty carbohydrates.

• Shortened sleep produces metabolic changes. These may lead to diabetes or may alter the nervous system in a way that could contribute to high blood pressure and heart-rhythm irregularities.

• Insomnia substantially increases the risk of developing depression.

In short, not getting enough rest can affect both our mental and physical health much more than we thought. Here are some DOs and DON’Ts that will help you get healthful, renewing sleep more often.

● DO structure your sleep. Try to go to bed and arise at the same times every day. Irregular hours can throw off the internal biological clock.

● DO create a soothing bedtime routine. Watching the news or reading the latest page-turner are not good sleep inducers. Meditation or soothing music helps to end the day.

● DON’T work, eat or watch TV in bed. Keep your bedroom for sleep. DO keep it quiet, dark and cool, and your feet warm. However, within five minutes of waking, expose yourself to bright light.

● DON’T exercise or eat heavily within several hours of bedtime. Both energize the body. However, DO exercise in the late afternoon or early evening. This reduces tension and makes falling asleep easier.

● DO avoid stimulants and alcohol late in the day. Caffeine, nicotine, sugary snacks and alcohol all can cause wakefulness.

● DO head off potential anxieties at the bedroom door. Make lists of chores or tasks for the next day, and/or gather things you will need. (It’s like laying out your kid's school clothes!) If worries keep you awake, write your concerns down and list possible solutions already swimming in your head without analyzing them.

● DON’T look at your clock if you wake up in the night. Figuring how much sleep you’re missing intensifies the wee-hours stress of insomnia. Cover your clock, if you need to.

Do you have a habit of staying up late and waking up early to do things on your own? If you feel stressed, anxious, frustrated, lonely and terrified, you are not alone! I felt the same until I found real safety and security in Christ. We all face pressure and challenges of life; but I trust that Jesus loves me and will never leave me nor abandon me. 

By nature we all want to fix problems and make things better on our own. But who is really in control?

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Love Them in the Ways that They Get it

Love is powerful. Being loved and cared for are basic human needs. Holding premature babies in your arms, talking with them, and singing to them can make up for their congenital shortcomings.

Love Languages

One couple was in distress over their teenager. The mom lamented, "I do this and that for him all day, but he doesn't appreciate me one bit." The dad added, "He always asks for homework help at the last minute. Instead of giving thanks, he questions my logic and gets mad at me!" When love and dedication are taken for granted, parents will inevitably feel hurt and depressed.

Are today's young people just selfish, inconsiderate, and ungrateful? Is it possible that they don't feel loved deep down in their hearts?

Author Gary Chapman described "The Five Languages ​​of Love" in a series of books. Depending on experience and needs, everyone has his or her dominant language of love: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Gifts. A loving relationship can only be established after the most heartwarming expression of love is received.

For example, a daughter yelling "You don't care!" may wish to spend quality time with her parents listening to her fear, anxiety and dreams instead of advising, nagging and lecturing. Therefore, don't get upset at "You don't love me!" but try listening to their feelings with empathy. There is a Chinese saying, "You will only understand the love of your parents when you raise your own child." Maybe someday our children will really understand our love and sacrifice. But why not try to love them now with the love they desire so that they can truly feel your love?

Depositing Love into Your Marriage

Another author Gary Thomas once said to a young friend, "If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there's no question--stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become more like Jesus, I can't imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you'd never have to face otherwise."

Some couples do not feel loved in their marriage even though their spouse keeps saying: "Am I not cooking, cleaning, and driving around all day for you and our children?" or "I work so hard to make money to support our family, and you still say I don't love you?" The truth of the matter is that people wants their needs to be understood, and they want to receive the kind of love they desire. Therefore, please pay special attention to complaints in the home. Does a exhausted mother need acts of service from her family? Does a problem solving father wish to be respected and affirmed?

Regular deposits are required for the "Love Bank" between two people because every negative interaction may cancel out 5-7 positive interactions. Do more positive, effective, and constructive things. Pay particular attention to your words and body language such as facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures and movements.  Couples need to date regularly in order to cultivate their marital relationship.

On this coming Valentine's Day, would you like to stop destructive interactions and negative thoughts, and start making a list of positive things you like about each other? Try to express your love by encouraging and affirming their efforts, listening to their feelings, hugging and kissing, saying, "I love you!" and buying (or making) a heart-to-heart gift.

Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31)

Plan Your New Year Today

After what we have gone through in 2020, everyone is yearning for a Happy New Year. Unfortunately, the wake up call has shaken us to the core and deep down inside, we don't feel life is as predictable as we once like to imagine. 

No wonder someone confidently "predicted" that there would be ups and downs in the New Year. If uncertainty is the only certain thing in life, how then can we keep our hope and live life to the fullness, one day at a time?

The best way to have a good year is by living life on a daily basis, letting the good days accumulate, one by one. And it doesn't have to be New Year's to resolve to have a good year. Start anytime. Today, for instance.

1. Take time, slow down. Be present in your life and mindful of the present.

2. Care for your body, eat well, exercise, treat yourself to loving, nurturing self-care.

3. Spend quality time with family and friends. Communicate, keep in touch. Say I love you. Tell people you appreciate them.

4. Take time throughout the day to renew yourself. Take a walk, read a poem or a good book, listen to music (really listen); bring beauty into your life. On a monthly basis, take a whole day for yourself—play, treat yourself to something you want to do; retreat from your daily life. Mark these special days on your calendar (in ink) so you'll be certain to take them.

5. Clean up what needs to be cleaned up. Make amends, fix what's broken, clear away clutter, forgive what needs to be forgiven and let go.

6. Commit to a project you really want to do or to learning something new or attaining something you want. Commitment is the first step. Then set achievable goals and work toward them on a daily basis.

7. Give yourself to a cause, volunteer at a nonprofit organization, a community group, your church or lend a hand to an individual or family who could use your help.

8. Practice your spiritual discipline on a daily basis. "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:21-23)

9. Laugh every day. "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." (Proverbs 17:22)

10. Take time to dream. Life on earth is short. Instead of doing the same old thing out of habit and tradition, ask yourself, "What's God's calling and plan for me?" and boldly follow your dream!