When my mother suddenly passed away in 1975 at age 48, I tried to be strong. I knew Mom would not want me to be sad, so I did not even go to Hong Kong for her funeral. I focused on finishing college at Berkeley. After all, that's our plan. Mom wanted me to succeed in the United States, and I dreamed of one day buying her a big house and taking her around the world. I tried to move on, but part of me died with her without grieving my loss. Even though I looked successful on the outside, I couldn't help but live in blaming myself or others, or feeling helpless at home. Many inexplicable emotions seriously affected the interaction and relationship between my husband and me.
Birth, aging, illness and death are facts of life. Death reminds us that life is short and impermanent. When a relative or a friend dies, we not only grieve for the deceased, but we may also re-grieve from previous losses we’ve suffered. Some say that time can dilute everything and the passage of time is the great emotional healer. In fact, it’s what you do with that time that is important.
Overwhelming Feelings
Grief and death bring about a variety of feelings, including sorrow, anger, frustration, helplessness, loneliness, guilt, etc. Experiencing these strong emotions can be confusing and worrying.
When we experience loss, well-meaning friends and family may advise us to stay optimistic and look on the bright side of things, calling on us to accept the loss because death is irreversible and everything happens by "God's will." When trying to understand things, even we can’t help but tell ourselves that “maybe everything is for the best.” Any of these suggestions, however, may lead the grieving person to sink further into the emotional abyss, to feel pressured to hide or deny their emotions, or to numb themselves. This will only cause the grieving process to take longer and get in the way of healing.
In our culture, we often assume if something is painful, it must be bad and should not be mentioned. Yet suppressing these feelings and denying the need to grieve can be even harder on both the mind and body than going through the emotions. Pain is a natural part of the grieving process and, if we were to heal, we must allow it.
Going through the Process of Grieving
By acknowledging loss and embracing grief, we have the opportunity to truly go through the grieving process and release the pain within. By experiencing grief, accepting and letting go of the past, and saying goodbye to loved ones who have passed away, we can live fully in the present. We will be less caught off guard or cower in fear when we feel sad again in the future. Only by facing rather than escaping suffering can we regain inner peace and reorder our lives.
When faced with grief, most people need to talk about their feelings, but some people just need quiet companionship. Regardless, someone who are empathetic and willing to listen more and talk less can provide invaluable comfort.
People need ritual. Lighting candles, gathering together for services or memorials, praying, singing and remembering together can provide an outlet for grief.
Spending time in nature can offer solace. Nature allows us to experience the ongoing cycle of the life and death process, and in this we may be able to connect to the larger divine purpose.
Journaling is another concrete way to express your emotions. Writing letters to the deceased also allows us to make amends for not saying goodbye. Even if it is a stranger, you can write a letter to the deceased and pray for his family while you are still grieving for him.
Experiencing grief is a complex process that takes many forms, so be patient with yourself. The most difficult times may come months after the actual loss. At that time, your life seemed to be normal, and your friends thought you were fine. But in your dreams you were still overwhelmed with sorrowing thoughts and guilt... Every time a trigger arises, the most important thing is to face the sadness honestly and understand and accept your own feelings, thoughts and needs.
If your grief lingers for a long time, you may need professional therapy. As someone who has gone through major losses in life, my heart goes out to you. As a therapist, pastoral counselor, and support group leader, I highly recommend that you face loss with other fellow travelers, experience the presence of God, and accompany each other through the valley of tears.
You are not alone! No matter how difficult it may seem right now, remember to take some time to process your grief. May you find comfort in having a bright future to look forward to, in His time.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications
