Love Without Fear

Nobody wants to be hurt, but protecting ourselves often prevent us from loving freely and living courageously. Let's face it: love is messy. With its magnified highs and lows, love is unpredictable and never what we expect—so much so that we might be tempted to cower in fear. But if we approach love with the courage of a warrior, we can have relationships of heroic proportions. Here are 10 ways:

1. Be your true self. If we want to be loved for who we truly are, why put on an act? Do you know that you and I are so valuable in God's eyes that He was willing to rescue us, risking the life of His Son Jesus Christ?

2. Don't believe just your side of the story. Our interpretation of events and feelings is, in fact, just one possibility for what is actually true. Focus on what IS to get closer to the truth.

3. Stay open. Fear's favorite pastime is to shut us down. But when we are vulnerable, true connection to others is possible because "there is no fear in love."

4. Speak up. We become silent when instead we desperately want to connect.

5. Stop looking for perfection. More than likely, what we call "high standards" is a mask for our own feelings of inadequacy.

6. Embrace the messiness. It gives us the gift of growth.

7. Allow yourself to feel mad. Learn the difference, though, between expressing anger responsibly and dumping it.

8. Love with no thought of what you'll get in return. This is fearless love in action.

9. Take responsibility. Be accountable for your own emotions, thoughts and actions.

10. Love yourself. Only then can you love others and be loved.

Are you living in fear or in love? It might be a good time to find out what you are afraid of and where that story came from.

Even after being married for 13 years, I still did not understand the true meaning of love. When I met Jesus Christ, I finally realized the Truth. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." (1 John 4:18 ESV)

Thank God for what happened one night more than two thousand years ago. In the wilderness of Bethlehem, the angel said to the shepherds: “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord." (Luke 2:10-11)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Cultivating Gratitude in Your Family

The words thanks, gratitude and giving derive from the word grace and refer to meaningful, authentic ways to acknowledge the grace in our lives. Too often, however, we are trained to notice what is broken, undone or lacking in our lives.

Gratitude is a perception, a way of looking at things, and an attitude of gratitude is a cornerstone of long-term mental and physical health. It balances us and gives us hope. Numerous long-term studies suggest that a positive, appreciative attitude contributes to greater success in work, greater health, peak performance in sports and business, a higher sense of well-being and a faster rate of recovery from surgery.

But for gratitude to meet its full healing potential in our lives and the lives of our children, it needs to become more than just a Thanksgiving word. When we practice giving thanks verbally for all we have instead of complaining about what we lack, we give our children—and ourselves—the chance to see all of life as an opportunity and a blessing. There are many things to be grateful for: autumn leaves, legs that work, friends who listen and really hear, chocolate, cars that work (usually), warm jackets, jump ropes, garage sales, the ability to read, swings, rain boots, being alive, butterflies, ...

Every evening before digging in to dinner, members of the Wang family take turns sharing something, good or bad, they have experienced that day.  One by one, each person acknowledges something that might have been difficult or a stretch, and something that they are grateful for. A typical response from the children (ages 10, 9 and 6):  "I got a compliment from a classmate. I finished piano practice before school. And I'm so glad for our dog and cat." Though full of the everydayness of life, their responses show that the children—and the whole family—are developing a profound practice of gratitude.

This may mean overcoming the three main obstacles to gratitude: self-preoccupation, expectation, and entitlement. Self-preoccupation leads us to focus our attention on our problems, difficulties, aches and pains. Similarly, it's only when our expectation isn't met that we notice what is special. And when we think we're entitled to something, we won't consider it a gift.

Here are some ideas to help your whole family learn the attitude of gratitude:

• Keep a family gratitude journal or "Gratitude Attitude Calendar." Younger members can write one-word answers.

• Make a gratitude collage by drawing or pasting pictures.

• Practice gratitude around the dinner table or make it part of the bedtime routine.

• Make it a game to find the hidden blessing in a situation.

• Let each child have his or her own day on which the rest of the family tells why they are grateful for his/her life.

• Compile a gratitude list to counteract a litany of complaints.

If others don't want to share gratitude, don't force them.  Just set an example by being the first to express gratitude.  Bit by bit, an inner shift begins to occur, and we may be delighted to discover how content and hopeful we are feeling. This sense of fulfillment is gratitude at work.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Turn Relational Conflicts into Blessings

Conflict is as natural to the human experience as thunderstorms are to springtime. When left unchecked, conflict can generate heat and discomfort, disrupt interactions and destroy relationships. Between a couple, discord can lead to divorce. Between countries, hostilities can lead to war. But when differences are openly acknowledged and addressed, conflict can be a powerful source of energy and lead to creative solutions that encourage growth, deepen intimacy and strengthen bonds between people.

The world is made up of individuals with different ideas, wants, needs and beliefs, and conflict may occur when our differences meet. Like so many other aspects of human interaction, it's how we deal with controversy that affects our relationships -- with others and ourselves.

Dr. Wei-Jen Huang said, "Facts seldom cause conflicts. It's each person's value system, point of view, perspective, and interpretation about such facts that produce conflicts."

Some relationships appear to be without conflict. This can mean that everyone is in tune with everyone else. But what's more likely is that some people are not being honest and real with others, or that some individuals regularly and routinely acquiesce to others. This is true with a couple, in a family, or in any group. When conflict appears to be totally absent, it is best to take a look under the carpet.

For some, the inability to face conflict comes from old, deeply imbedded fears, such as the fear of being wounded or absorbed by another. Or some may fear that there is no resolution to the disagreement. In avoiding conflict, individuals may lose themselves in a forest of fears where no one says what they truly feel or want or believe.

Without resolution, conflict converts to stress that causes all sorts of ills and disease and may ultimately release itself in explosions of rage, withdrawal, acting out, addictions and general unhappiness.

However, with resolution comes the release of fear and tension, clarity and remarkably creative solutions or ideas. A feeling of closeness may result or, at the very least, a deeper understanding, acceptance and respect for one another.

If you are reluctant to engage in conflict resolution, consider the following:

• Because people are different, conflict is natural.
• It's more important to find clarity and unity than to be right.
• No one is right in God's eyes. Outside of Christ, we are all fallen creatures (Romans 3:23). Remember it is God who made us different and unique (Psalm 139).
• Conflict is about speaking up and telling our truth (what seems so real and true to us).
• Conflict is about being open and honest with others.
• There is usually a win-win-win solution somewhere. This solution can only be formed in Christ.
• Resolving conflict keeps us from living in fear.
• Resolving conflict helps us clarify, sort and value our differences.
• Resolving conflict can bring us closer together.
• Resolving conflict is respectful of ourselves and others.

Guidelines to Resolving Stress in Your Relationship

Resolving conflict is a commitment to clarity, to listening with an open mind and an open heart, and to respecting and valuing one another and our differences. Following are some guidelines for working through conflicts. In some instances, it may be helpful to have a third person to help guide you through the process.

1. Agree that no one will leave the discussion session and that each person will be respectful. Commit to stay with the process until you reach an agreed-upon solution. If you need to take a break, agree on a time to resume.

2. Have each person name the problem or conflict and describe feelings, thoughts and needs. Be as specific as possible. Take turns to listen actively without being defensive.

3. Admit that each of you have contributed to your unpleasant and unhealthy interactions. Own your part in creating (or maintaining) the conflict/problem. List past attempts that were not successful in resolving the issue.

4. Take time for silent reflection. During this time, allow each person time to reflect and consider each aspect of the concern. Affirm that there is a way to come to resolution. From this place of silence, tell each other any thoughts, concerns or considerations that arise. Braintorm solutions with an open mind. Do not judge or criticize any suggestion until all ideas are on the table.

5. Discuss and evaluate each possible solution. Stay with the issue until a resolution emerges. Allow for all the time it takes. Pick one solution that both of you want to try (with specific actions from each person). If you can't find a resolution, you may need to accept that you disagree, or get professional help to continue working toward resolution. In any case, set up another time to review and discuss your progress.

Because conflict is natural to the human experience, the best way to deal with it is to create the kind of connections in which differences are acknowledged and supported as part of the ongoing and spirited process of being in a relationship. We all want to be understood and accepted!

Do you know your problems will become smaller if your God becomes bigger? As Christians, we also need to stay in relationship with God the Father, Jesus Christ His Son, and the Holy Spirit so that we can rise above our human limitation and turn conflicts into blessings.

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Grace Awakening on Mother's Day

My biggest joy on Mother's Day was when our son and his family Skyped us. Afterwards, James and I went out for our daily walk. Naturally we talked about his mother (Mama) and my Mom. As usual I missed my Mom who died young at age 48. This year we feel sad that we could not visit Mama who will be turning 98 soon. What has made the situation worse is that James' sister told us that Mama recently would sometimes forget that she has given birth to four children. I was lamenting about mothers when suddenly I heard James said, "Life is a bliss..."

I got upset before he could finish his sentence and began to attack him verbally. My intense anger almost caused James to walk away, but he chose to stay with me. Soon after that I also chose to stop scolding him. As we continued to walk, we gave ourselves a chance to understand and be understood by sharing our feelings, thoughts and needs with each other.

The next morning, I made a collage with selected photos from 2017 to 2019. Let me give you a tour from the lowest left corner going clockwise.

I was holding my fourth granddaughter in 2017 while reading to her older brothers and sister. Afterwards, their Mommy took us out for ice cream. See how they had to stand on chairs to pick out favor? Two years later, I was holding my fifth granddaughter. Can you see how she looked back into my eyes? Her little big sister has become a toddler who loves playing with her little big brother! Before I returned to California, we celebrated Mother's Day ahead of time. My oldest granddaughter made me a beautiful bracelet and her younger brother cooked "egg in the hole" breakfast for all of us one Sunday before we went to church!

I flew back to San Francisco on Friday so that I could visit Mama with James on Mother's Day (see the oval photo in the middle). As usual, we had dinner, sang praises, and studied the Bible. Before we left, Mama asked us to stay overnight, and then take her to the park the next morning. Oh, how we cherish our weekly walk around Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park all those years. See those photos of James walking with Mama in 2017-2018.

Due to the pandemic, Mother's Day 2020 was not easy for any of us. I feel helpless and sad whenever I think of people who died prematurely and others who have amnesia in old age and lose memories of their lives. When James wanted to share his thought on life, I cut him off too soon. As we walked, he finished telling me, "Life is a bliss either long or short because being alive is a gift from God. I just want to enjoy life with you."

God understands, forgives, heals, and never forgets His children. What a blessing it is to know Him!

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" (Isaiah 49:15)

If you are overwhelmed by stress, anxiety, fear, doubt and uncertainty during this pandemic, you are not alone. Please let me know and I will pray for you. If you want to talk with me, please book a 30-minute F.R.E.E. consultation on my ParentingABCtoday.com website. May God bless you!

Better Late than Never. Belated Happy Mother's Day! 

Be Still and Know Who is God

"Mom, let me read something to you, okay?"

Although feeling feebly, I nodded. My son placed two pillows under my head before flipping through books and newspapers next to my bed. Finally he picked up the only book written in Chinese and English – my devotional. Leafing through, he cleared his throat and began to read.

That was in the summer of 2003, two days after I had a major surgery. I was lying in my hospital bed, dealing with pains on my wounds, feeling weak and worrying about my recovery. With half-opened eyes I watched my dear son.

As he read one article after another, my heart gradually became calm and still. His strong baritone voice carried the comforting words of God. My heart was filled with warmth and sweetness. I thought, “My son has really grown up. He just finished his second year of college. It is really special that he came home to help his dad and me to down-size into an apartment. And now, he is taking turns with dad to take care of me in the hospital. With a child like this, what else could I want?”

Suddenly, he grinned: “Hey Mom, here is another article quoting Psalm 46 verse 10.”

He began to read, and I got very excited, “Do you know we could sing this verse?”

As he was still nodding, I couldn't wait and started singing, “Be still and know that I am God.”

Spontaneously he accompanied me at the second and third stanza. “Be still and know that I am God. Be still and know that I am God.”

We sang the song over and over again in English. As we worshiped God in the hospital, we received the truth of God, enjoyed His presence, and experienced His great love.

Time flies. In 2019, our son's wife gave birth to their fifth child. A month later, I visited them for 24 days. Since I was suffering sciatica pain at that time, I could not help much other than holding the baby. I could hold the baby all day, although I also enjoyed spending time with the other grandchildren, often playing one board or card game after another, or reading one storybook after another. Before holding the baby, I always turned off my cell phone and computer so that I could just sit still and enjoy the baby. One day my daughter-in-law came into the room to check on us. Quietly she took a picture. 

Whenever I look at this photo, I remember how my Father in Heaven is holding me in His arms. All I need to do is to hold onto Him, be still and enjoy His embrace and protection.

During this pandemic sheltering in place, sometimes I feel anxious, depressed, afraid and even angry after reading bad news and listening to people's suffering day after day. I worry about all the people I love ... Imagine my joy when I received a video with my grandchildren singing my favorite song! The love, grace and faithfulness of my God endure forever!

I first heard of the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" on January 28, 1989.  That day was the turning point of my life, marriage and family. You can find out why it means so much to me from a 6-minute video recorded a few years ago via this link: https://vimeo.com/180843010

This song has been my favorite for 31 years.  It always reminds me that I can take whatever pain, grief, sorrow and troubles to the Lord in prayer.  You can pray to Him directly or let me know so that I can pray for you and with you.

Jesus told his disciples: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)

Today is Good Friday. Jesus came from heaven to earth to save us. He suffered and died on the cross for our sin. On Easter Sunday, we will celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. May you find protection, peace and living hope in Him.

Don't Block Happiness During Shelter-in-Place

Stay home, save lives! During the COVID-19 pandemic, each of us can make things better or worse even when we shelter in place.  After all, it might be a challenge to spend time with someone 24/7.

Couples and families in counseling always tell me how they argue about the littlest of things, and they don't like it. What they may not know is ... We all seek that elusive quality of “happiness.” 

Here are somethings to be aware of so that you can STOP them from robbing your happiness anytime, not just when you have to shelter in place. These behaviors affect your daily interaction with people, at home, outside, or on the Internet. Remember your actions and words really matter!

1. Impressing others ... with what you have —your possessions, your accomplishments—don’t result in real relationship or lasting happiness.

2. Blaming.  Your response to any situation is your choice. Try making it a learning opportunity—taking responsibility is empowering.

3. Controlling. It doesn't help you feel good about yourself. Honor your boundaries, but make space for others' needs and choices, too.

4. Criticizing. We are all unique and different, not better or worse. Appreciate the differences instead of zeroing in on shortcomings.

5. Whining. Complaining is ineffective, whereas asking for what you want is liberating.

6. Clinging to what is known. When you’re feeling afraid or insecure, be willing to let go of the familiar, take a risk and try something new.

7. Being Ungrateful. Stay aware of all the gifts, grace and blessings that you do have. Express gratitude then surely happiness will follow.

8. Lecturing. Another form of judging. Find more fun and empowering ways to share your knowledge.

9. Negative Self-talk. Train yourself to notice your mind's chatter. Working towards changing negative thoughts to positive ones will transform your life.

10. Fear. Don’t let fear get in the way of progress. Whatever you’ve been dreaming, get going on it. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Talking about clinging to what is known ... This pandemic is very terrible and it's normal for everyone  to feel anxious, depressed, angry, afraid and lonely. Everyone needs understanding, support and encouragement from their friends and family during this difficult time. Besides, do you know this too sure shall pass?

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea... And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:1-4)

Things to Say Before It's Too Late

Last week, James and I spent a quiet Valentine's Day. After all, with so much bad news in the world, being alive together is God's blessings and grace.

As a pastor's wife and a licensed marriage and family therapist, I often hear people say, "we are an old couple" even though they are not that old at all. Seriously, when young parents feel that there is nothing left to say other than the trivialities of life such as: "Can you go to the dry cleaner? ... Have you pulled the garbage can out?" What is the implication？

Life is short. Why not say something true, good and beautiful while you have the chance to build a warm and loving relationship?

Deeper communication requires deliberate changes, including a willingness to reveal one's vulnerability. But isn't it worth taking a risk for your happiness and relationships? After all, your spouse is your life-long partner, and will be with you all your life. At least that was your original intent for your marriage, wasn't it?

Always remember that your body language and tone of voice are often more important than what you say. Of course, actions may speak louder than words. However, don’t let the Chinese culture and saying such as "Love is to be treasured in the heart but not expressed with your mouth" block you from expressing your love and care verbally. Please try to practice the following phrases that could change the atmosphere of your home:

"Thank you for... " Everyone likes to be acknowledged and appreciated for what they do. Thank your partner for more than just what you asked him/her to do. For example, you might thank him or her for being a great parent, for always making time for the children.

"Would you please... " Expecting your partner to read your mind is expecting the impossible. Say what you want and need. When you articulate your wishes clearly, resentments don't have time to build up, and you can also work together to find win-win solutions.

"How do you feel about..." Ask, and then listen to your partner's response, withholding judgment or any need to change or fix the feelings.

"I feel... " State your feelings and tell the truth. Notice the difference between "I think" and "I feel" statements. Learn to use different feeling words (e.g. disappointed, hurt, frustrated, worried, appreciative, excited, etc.).

"I'm sorry... " Admit your mistakes and apologize for them. You may feel vulnerable, but your honesty is likely to inspire the same in the other person and open the door for closer connection.

"I forgive you..." Accepting apologies for mistakes your partner makes is a way of letting go of resentments, and that frees you both.

"I appreciate your... " Shine the light on your partner's qualities. You'll create an arena of goodwill that shines back on you.

"What I hear you saying... " Listen, really listen, and let your partner know he/she has been heard.

"I agree with you because... " Validating your partner's point of view and perspective helps him/her feel heard and understood.

"What have you been reading recently?" Open up communication on an intellectual level and you may feel the warmth of common views -- or sparks of difference—that drew you together in the first place.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" Listen to your partner's vision, and then share your own. The question may inspire a new, shared plan or uncover the need to build a bridge between your dreams.

"I love you... " Find your own variations on these three little words; you can't say them too often. Don't be shy or afraid to express your love! Never use "I love you more than I can say" as an excuse!

Every day is our Valentine's Day when James and I walk, talk, read the Bible and pray together. Since our time on this earth is limited, we love to share life around the Word of God, and we hope that you will also seize the opportunity to express your love to those around you.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

Handling Anxiety

So many of us were looking forward to celebrating New Year 2020 and Chinese New Year in the same month as we hoped for a better year. But bad news like the outbreak of Wuhan Coronavirus and the helicopter death of Kobe Bryant remind us that life is unpredictable and out of our control. Who wouldn't be nervous, worried and anxious?

Anxiety is different from fear but they are related. Fear is a feeling of tension that is associated with a known source of danger. Anxiety is also a feeling of tension, but in this case, the danger or the threat of danger is unknown. Anxiety is often anticipatory—worrying about the future. Without apparent reason, a person may worry about their job, fret over the well-being of a child or feel apprehensive about their own health.

Anxiety is the culprit that wakes us in the night and won't let us go back to sleep. It distracts us and makes us irritable and forgetful. Physical symptoms can include trembling or shakiness, clammy hands, dry mouth, sweating, headaches, neck pain, frequent urination and heart palpitations.

Mild anxiety is normal in our daily lives and can be eased with some basic tools. Answer the following questions to find out how well you use some of these tools.

1. When I feel anxious, I take deep breaths to ground and calm myself down.
2. To ease some of the tension, I relax my body and physically release the tightness in my shoulders, neck, arms and chest.
3. I vent my feelings of anxiety by writing or talking to someone who listens with empathy to help get the strong emotions off my chest and out of my body.
4. I channel the tension into some kind of physical activity like walking, sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, or watering the yard.
5. I get a reality check by talking to someone I trust about my reasoning or thinking or the conclusions I've come to.
6. If I know I'm going to be in an anxiety-producing situation, I plan through how I will handle it; I get myself ready.
7. I watch how others get through stressful situations and model them; I ask questions about the best way to handle situations or events or people.
8. When the same anxiety comes up over and over, I log and assess possible causes and solutions.
9. When it doesn't interfere with my normal life, I generally try to avoid people, places and events that I know will produce anxiety.
10. Sometimes, when I have to face a situation that I know will cause anxiety, I take someone with me.
11. I face and take responsibility for problems and commit to a plan of action, rather than avoiding, denying, minimizing or blaming.
12. I nurture a positive attitude.
13. I seek support from friends, family, counselors, support group, and brothers and sisters from church.
14. When I feel anxious, I go directly to my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ to ask for help because I believe I cannot save myself!

Anxiety is a normal emotion that most people experience in their daily lives. Some anxieties are healthy and can motivate us to to complete difficult tasks. However, intense anxiety is a very painful emotion and can interfere with one's daily functioning. If you are worried about your fear and anxiety, please feel free to visit ParentingABCtoday.com for help, or just let me pray with you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications