Life Stages

One day, I woke up from a nap. As my husband James put the spinal brace on me, he asked, "Did you sleep well?"

I replied, "I slept very well. I slept through ten chapters of the Book of Daniel. I fell asleep listening to the first chapter, and when I woke up it was already in the tenth chapter."

James laughed: "Oh, I didn't know you were measuring your sleep by chapters now."

I said seriously: "Not only that, I also measure my life by chapters."

He winked at me: "So I appear in one of your chapters?"

Now I laughed: "Not just one chapter. You appear in many, many chapters!"

In times past, we measured significant life events by the age most people experienced them. Graduation, first job, marriage, first child, empty nest, retirement, widowhood, and finally death. All these milestones happened at fairly predictable ages from 18 through 65, or so. But times have changed drastically in the last quarter century, and using chronological age as markers for life stages may no longer seem relevant to everyone.

• Many 40-year-old (and older) women are having their first child, and not always with a husband as the father. 

• With the rapid changes in business—mergers, downsizing, and buyouts—it is not unusual for a person to be forced into early retirement at age 50.  

• These days, some women are earning their first professional degrees at 65.

• Human growth hormones claim to help men at 70 to reverse aging by twenty years.

• Eighty-year-olds are moving in together to the surprise and sometimes annoyance of their 55-year-old children. 

In this century, pre-COVID, adolescence extends into the late twenties, middle age happens somewhere in the fifties and old age is more a state of mind than a physical reality. 

Life’s passages are not as predictable as they once were. Individuals have more choices and more freedom to make choices than ever before. But freedom may come with complications.

The Twenties. While previous generations graduated from college (if they went), settled into careers, had children and bought their first home during their twenties, today this decade is a time of prolonged adolescence. Many in this age group still live with their parents and remain single. Prolonged adolescence ends, Gail Sheehy, author of New Passages, says, “when we are not afraid to disappoint our parents.”  

The Thirties. The thirties mark the initiation to adulthood and 30-somethings are generally preoccupied with crafting a public self that will spotlight their talents and win approval and success. During this stage, what matters are external measurements—perks of the job, size of home and model of car, accomplishments of the children—which become showcases for proving worth. Difficulties may arise when these outward measurements don’t jibe with the truth of who we are. 

The Forties. By this age, adults might be used to having two things: choice and control. Consequently, when things get rough, “people in their forties are likely to feel more out of control than ever.” Both men and women encounter complications that come with changing bodies. While women experience perimenopause and menopause, men may face their own version of physical breakdown; it’s not unusual to experience a lapse in virility and vitality. 

During this life stage, women may struggle with late child rearing or mourn their lack of children, and couples may be forced to renegotiate traditional relationships. Mortality is an issue to be reckoned with. This is the time when inevitable questions of values and lifestyle must be responded to. For women on the other side of menopause, the call to adventure may not go unheeded. Many feel motivated to learn new skills, dive into new careers, and explore their creativity, while men over 45 are becoming the new at-risk population for significant problems with anxiety and depression.

The Fifties. Sheehy’s research indicated that the major influence on the sense of well-being for women in their fifties is not money or social class or marital status; the most decisive factor is age. “Older is happier.”

The same is not true for men who experience more uncertainty in middle life than women. Studies at the University of California at Berkeley indicated that men and women who emerge psychologically healthiest at 50 are those who “shape a new self that calls upon qualities that were dormant earlier.” In other words, the passage into the fifties and beyond can be made more positively by finding your passion and pursuing it.

The Sixties. Now comes the time to make the choice between passive aging and what gerontologists call “successful” aging. Successful aging is to make a conscious commitment to continuing self-education and developing a new set of strategies. Resilience and an ability to respond to life’s accidents and conflicts without blaming or bitterness are qualities that serve those in this life stage. 

The comfort of mature love and a continued excitement about life both factor into a sense of well-being. For those who compartmentalized their nurturing selves and achieving selves earlier in life, grandparenthood can offer a rich second chance to bring both into harmony. 

The Seventies. To fare well during this stage of life is to let go of that which doesn’t matter and focus on a few fine-tuned priorities. Those who thrive live in the present but always have plans for the future. Rather than focusing on time running out, this life stage says live the moment. Accept that which cannot be changed—loss is inevitable. But so is gain. The sixties, seventies and beyond are times of spiritual growth.

The map of adult life keeps changing as surely as the map of the world has continued to shift throughout the ages. I never thought I would suffer spinal compression fractures and have no strength to do anything. I didn't know I needed to wear a special back brace to protect and help my spine heal; and James never thought of being my caregiver. But living in our Lord Jesus Christ, we have learned to accept the situation and let another precious chapter be added.

Nothing happens by chance, there really is a path of grace. King David speaks my mind: "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you." (Psalm 139:16-18)