It's Here, the Solution to Sending the Wrong Message without Knowing It!

I hope you liked your free Say it! Hear it! report and it has helped you start improving your relationships.

Here are some of the common questions that many of my clients have with the tip on "5 Ways to Use Non-verbal Communication More Effectively" when you are trying to send a message to someone.

(1) Question: "How could my tone of voice and body language contribute more to the effectiveness than the words I say? It does not make any sense!"

Response: You are right. Your words are important. However, there will be a problem when your words say one thing but your posture or gestures or tone say something different. Can you think of someone who makes a statement without saying a word? How about these examples? What message is the person communicating?

(a) a child hiding in the closet when dinner guests arrive his home,
(b) a teenager rolling her eyes when being lectured by her dad,
(c) a visiting grandfather from China greeting people in United States with smiles and nods, or
(d) a mother holding her fists and yelling "OF COURSE I LOVE YOU!!!" to her child.

(2) Question: "I was taught to stick with the facts and be clear about what I want. Why do I have to pay attention to my emotions in a conversation?"

Response: What you said might work in some business situations when staying calm, cool and collected is highly valued. However, while in relationships, most people need to know, like and trust you before they could have deep sharing and meaningful conversation with you. Healthy and productive communication means two people can openly share how they are feeling, what they are thinking, and the needs they have. If you were upset but did not express your feelings, the other person might not feel safe enough to continue the conversation. It's just human nature.

Emotions are often times hard to hide. When emotions take over, the other person will pay attention to your emotions instead of what you are really saying. They might try to calm you down or get out of there. Then communication breaks down, you think they don't care, and miscommunication happen.

Knowing your own emotions and sharing it verbally is one of the best ways to connect with someone at a deeper level as long as you are not blaming them. If necessary, take a few deep breaths, count backward from 10 to 1 (it really works!) or take a time out if necessary.

(3) Question: "My husband and children keep accusing me of yelling all the time, but I wasn't! Sometimes I just have to raise my voice to make sure they hear what is important. I feel discouraged. How do I change their minds about me?"

Response: Everyone has different needs. If someone says you are talking too loud or too fast, they are saying it's too loud or too fast for them. If you want them to hear you, listen to them. It's hard to change a habit, especially if that's something your family did when you were growing up. I understand your disappointment, but arguing or reasoning would only look like defending yourself. Try to say things in different ways and adjust your tone of voice as an experiment. Don't be surprised when you catch someone's attention by your whisper.