I love both my Mom and Dad although emotionally I always felt closer connected with my Mom. Like all parents, they had their ups and downs in life, and it was their broken relationship that affected me the most.
As a young girl, I heard about how Dad had a mistress who gave birth to a son (my half-brother) when I was only one year old. I was told that my grandmother told Dad, "Two girls in a row? You'd better go elsewhere to have a son," right after I was born. Since Mom wanted to give my older sister and me a good life, she eventually accepted my Dad's concubine.
There were pictures of me wearing boy's clothing before I started school. Feeling insignificant as a girl, I tried very hard to be better than boys academically, athletically, and socially. I wanted to please my dad and grandmother, and to honor my mom.
After their marital storm, my parents tried to live a normal life – as normal as it could be living with my grandmother. Being number 8 among ten children, my dad and us lived with grandmother's five youngest children (#6-10) and their families in her big house in Happy Valley, Hong Kong. Grandmother had two cooks. We used to eat dinner around four to five big round tables everyday. Since Dad's concubine lived in Kowloon, Dad only came home four nights a week.
On top of all this complexity, tragedy struck. When my half-brother was ten, he was run over and killed by his school bus. Dad was deeply saddened and guilt-stricken. Ironically, about one year before that fatal accident, my mom gave birth to my younger brother. After trying for nine years, Mom finally had a son of her own when I was almost 10. I cried when I first read the story of Abraham, Sarah and Hagar. Sadly, our mom passed away at age 48 when my brother was in his early teen. Dad felt guilty to both sides of his family but never really talked much about it.
Sometimes I wonder why Dad had to go through so much losses and grief. In a special way, he was a good husband and father. Having two wives was not uncommon in those days, but he was very consistent and he kept his promises to his children. He was affected by his family and the culture of his time. I watched Dad struggling to prove fairness to two women in vain.
I still have a vivid memory of Dad telling my male cousins at dinner after much liquor. With tears in his eyes, he warned, "Don't you ever have two wives ... One is enough!" I could imagine Dad regretting his betrayal to Mom and felt sorry to his concubine who lost a son. May be they both felt punished for doing wrong.
In so many ways, most of us are carrying unhealthy thoughts, feelings and behaviors from our past, from generations to generations. When I became a young mother, my parents' marital conflicts and family tragedies became the backdrop of every conflict between my husband and me. I got triggered easily.
My turning point came on January 28th, 1989 when I trusted Jesus as my Savior. Even with a new life and the indwelling Holy Spirit, it still took me time to accept my past and forgave everyone who hurt me. The amazing thing is that after becoming a Christian, I found out that Dad had received Christ a few months before his death in 1986. Dad actually became a Christian before I did! That's amazing grace!
In his book, Changes that Heal: How to Understand Your Past to Ensure a Healthier Future, Dr. Henry Cloud wrote about the three ingredients of growth: Grace, Truth and Time.
If Dad did not leave the earth so soon, I think he would have been telling people how Jesus Christ healed his broken and contrite heart (read Psalm 51). I cannot rewrite history but I can say, "I love You, Dad! I am so happy that you are with Jesus now!"
Looking back, I strongly believe Dad tried to correct his mistakes under terrifying circumstances in an unhealthy culture. I think he tried his best to be a good husband and father. He provided for us, often bringing something special home four nights a week. He took us to the park, movies and many restaurants. He sent me to United States for college. In spite of his earlier mistakes, he became a responsible man, the best he knew how.
Dad and Mom both shaped me into the person I am today – passionate in helping couples deal with crises stemmed from normal life transitions, daily temptations, and unusual circumstances.
Some of you came from families healthier than mine. Others experienced even worse situations than what I went through. Husband and wife often look at things differently because each person is unique and comes from different family and culture. How we grew up will unconsciously affect how we raise our children in the United States. We need to break unhealthy cycle intentionally!
I wrote a Chinese article on "Parenting ABC" that was published in the May-June 2016 edition of Proclaim Magazine by Chinese Christian Mission. You may read Chinese HERE.
If you can read Chinese, please take a look and tell me how it affects your feeling and thinking; and share one change you would make in the way you parent your kid(s). If you can only read English, let me know if you are interested in reading an English version in the future.
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