Coping with a Loved One's Mental Illness

Last Saturday, I heard the testimony of a father whose teenage son committed suicide in early 2015 after suffering clinical depression. He was in Taiwan on a business trip when his wife called and said their son was unstable. He flew back and saw his son. But on the following day, the 17 years old killed himself at home.

This was a case that the parents did not see the tragedy coming. Their son seemed happy, did well in school, had friends, and was involved in many activities. You could imagine the questions the dad asked himself and God. Questions such as

(1) Where did my son go since he stopped going to church in high school?
(2) Why do so many people with depression attempt suicide?
(3) How to look at a life that ended short?
(4) What's really important in life?
(5) What could parents do differently while they still have time?

Having comforted by God through his grief and loss, this father stood in front of hundreds to share his testimony, hoping to raise awareness of clinical depression which is a real sickness and an unseen killer. He described depression like a balloon losing air. The life force was let out. A person suffering depression is often tormented by repeated negative and destructive thoughts. In this day and age, through the Internet, everyone is constantly exposed to and bombarded by information which might induce negative thoughts about oneself, the world, and our future every day!

Witnessing the suffering of a loved one can be one of the most difficult situations we face. Among other things, we may feel powerless, frustrated and frightened. That’s true whether the suffering originates from a physical illness or injury, addiction or self-destructive activity.

When a loved one suffers a debilitating, persistent and chronic mental illness, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, those feelings can be compounded. Strange, unpredictable behaviors can be terrifying and confusing. Your loved one may suddenly rage at you with blame or be utterly dependent upon you for basic needs and emotional stability.

You may experience many confusing emotions yourself, including anger, grief, guilt, fear and sadness. As you struggle with each episode of illness and worry about the future, you may feel anxious and overwhelmed.

Unfortunately, since serious mental illness still carries a stigma, you may be keeping it a secret, resulting in increased isolation, frustration and difficulty because you may have no one to talk to about your feelings or no way to get information and support.

Tending the Fences: Setting Healthy Boundaries

“Good fences make good neighbors.” So goes the old proverb from the well-loved Robert Frost poem.  

Likewise, good personal boundaries make for good relationships. Boundaries are those invisible lines of protection you draw around yourself. They let people know your limits on what they can say or do around you. Healthy boundaries give you freedom in relating to others. Make them too solid and you build walls, too weak and you allow other’s actions to harm you.

It’s not always clear where our boundaries are or need to be. Recognizing and studying the signs of ignored or ineffective boundaries is a good place to start, as these “symptoms” give clues to the needed boundary. See if any of the following ring true for you.

Aloofness and distance. When you are unwilling or fearful of opening your space to others, or when you build walls to insure that others don’t invade your emotional or physical space, this may be a defense against cruel behavior, abuse or neglect that you allowed to happen. A person with healthy boundaries draws a line over which they will not allow anyone to cross. They recognize their right to say, “No!”

Chip on the shoulder. This kind of attitude declares, “I dare you to come too close!” and is often the result of anger over a past violation or ignoring of your physical or emotional space by others. Healthy boundaries mean you are able to speak up when your space has been violated, leaving you free to trust that you can assertively protect yourself to ensure you are not hurt.

Self-Responsibility Starts with An "I"

“Take your life into your own hands and what happens?

 A terrible thing: no one to blame.”

—Erica Jong

In the following three scenarios what do the people have in common?

Josie is a woman in her twenties. She still lives at home with her mother who makes all Josie’s important decisions: how to spend her money, who to go out with, even what clothes to wear. Josie is anxious and depressed.

Matt ordered a new printer for his office. When it arrived he discovered it wasn’t compatible with his computer. "Those idiots," he ranted, "why didn’t they tell me this was the wrong printer."       

Sally and Jerry had a big fight. Now Sally’s tossing and turning in the bedroom while Jerry beds down on the sofa. Neither one is getting any sleep and both think the other should make the first move to apologize.

If your answer was “Hey, no one is taking any personal responsibility here,” you’ve got a good eye for human behavior.

Because what Josie and Matt and Sally and Jerry all have in common is a lack of self-responsibility that leaves them dependent, impotent and victimized. They’re caught up in blaming others for their problems and waiting for somebody else to come along and make their life right. Unfortunately, they’re going to have a long wait and be disappointed again, again, and again ... 

Some people tell us this version of good news: Your life is in your hands. You get to make the choices, elect the options and take the actions that come with self-responsibility. It’s through the door of self-responsibility that personal power and independence enter, often hand-in-hand, bearing gifts of confidence and self-esteem.

10 Behaviors that Block Happiness

"If the purpose of marriage was simply to enjoy an infatuation and make me 'happy,' then I'd have to get a 'new' marriage every two or three years."

That's a quote from Christian author Gary Thomas in his book, Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make us Holy More than to Make Us Happy?

But wanting to be happy is human nature! I was so disillusioned when James and I shared one tube of toothpaste after our wedding. I (and he) couldn't believe we would told each other we were wrong.

"Why are you squeezing in the middle? You are destroying my toothpaste."

"It's too slow to squeeze from the bottom! That's so dumb!"

Each of us were dumbfounded (because we never argued once in our three months of dating). To solve the problem, James quickly bought another toothpaste so that each of us can squeeze our own way. But I was still hurt.

Fast forward. Toothpaste is not an issue as we freely share one (while travel) or two tubes. At home, every time when mine is almost out, I would swap mine with his. When he finishes up his tube, I start a new one and give my crumbled up tube to him. It works. I feel loved.

Couples in counseling always tell me they argue about the littlest of things, and they don't like it. What they may not know is ...

10 Behaviors that Block Happiness

We all seek that elusive quality of “happiness.” Here are some things you can place your awareness on and STOP so you can be happier.

1. Impressing. What you have —your possessions, your accomplishments—don’t result in real relationship or lasting happiness.

Knowing Self, Knowing Others - The Secret to Win-Win Relationships

I will be giving three workshops (in Cantonese, Mandarin, English) in February on topics of communication and relationship. Here is the poster for the Mandarin workshop in Fremont.

How Well Do You Maintain Balance?

It's hard to believe January 2016 is almost over! I set many goals for myself (e.g. getting organized). I wanted to start a new blog (and I did), get into a new exercise routines ...

Of course there was also that piece of furniture to be moved so to clear out space. Although James got help from a friend, I was there by their side to help. I only helped a little but I hurt my back!

Living and working in the Silicon Valley could be quite stressful. There are so much to do in every area of our lives. Many of us like excitements yet sometimes we are tired and wish life would be less stressful, less hectic, and more predictable (not in a boring way), more peaceful, and in other words, more restful.

Handling Adversity: You're Stronger Than You Thought

December 22, 2015

How is it possible to experience Love, Joy, Peace and Hope when bad things are happening?

For some of us, it is by believing in Jesus Christ, the Lord of lords and King of kings. He came from Heaven to earth to save us from our sins and make "God with Us" a reality!

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." (Isaiah 9:6)

Do you believe you're stronger than you thought? Have you forgotten who you are in Christ?