The lyrics of the nursery rhyme "The More We Get Together" are: "The more we get together, together, together. The more we get together, the happier we'll be. 'Cause your friends are my friends, and my friends are your friends. The more we get together, the happier we'll be." When we were young, we might not fully understand the meaning of "when we are together", but we already experienced and even longed for that simple and sincere happiness of having someone to accompany, smile and walk with us. So, what if you grow up?
Myth of Perfect Togetherness
The story goes like this: Two people fall in love and from that moment on, they go everywhere and do everything together. They are, of course, a perfect match, and their interests and values coincide in every respect. In fact, if they spend much time apart or socialize separately, people might wonder if there is trouble in the relationship.
This is the "Myth of Togetherness". Two people must merge into one, and individuality will disappear from then on, as if there is only "we", and there is no longer "me" and "you". However, such stories actually contain crises, which often lead to the opposite of togetherness: one side feels smothered and withdraws. The other feels rejected and abandoned. This push-pull dance of too much closeness or too much distance sets up a high level of anxiety for both partners and too often ends in heartache and separation.
The story about togetherness can be re-written and worthy of re-written. We might as well change our point of view: true togetherness is not merging of two people in which two halves make a whole, but two independent and complete individuals deeply commit to support each other's growth, dreams and call, and walk together in the journey of life.
"A co-creative relationship is one in which two people access more of their creativity as a result of their loving interaction," write Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks in Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment. "Out of the harmony of a co-committed relationship springs an enhanced energy that enables both partners to make a greater contribution than either one could have made alone."
In such a relationship, both parties deeply support each other and help each other exert their unique talents. Whether it is intimate connection or necessary space, each other's needs can be respected and honored; and the communication channels are open to express each person's feelings, thoughts, needs and desires, and inject more passion and energy into the relationship.
A Togetherness that is Healthier and More Free
You can start from the following points to move towards a marital relationship that is healthier and more free:
First, pursue your own interests. Take classes, participate in projects, and engage in creation just because you like it. When you are nourished in creativity, emotions or wisdom, it will also inject fresh energy into the relationship;
Second, cultivate pure and healthy friendships outside of marriage. Don't isolate yourself because of marriage. Your partner may not be able to meet all your emotional needs. Interacting with friends not only allows you to explore yourself, but also brings vitality and joy;
Third, be alone with yourself for a moment every day. Whether it is close to nature, exercise, gardening, bathing, singing, reading, writing a diary, praying or meditation, these can help you reconnect with yourself and with God;
Fourth, spend exclusive time with your partner and establish deep connections. Communication with love and honesty is the key to making relationships flourish. Take time to talk about each other’s hearts and desires, not just daily trivial matters. This emotional connection will become the source of strength to support your contribution to each other and to the world.
Even if You Work Hard, You Still May Hurt Each Other
"Conscious loving" and "Common commitment" can indeed greatly improve the marital relationship. Unfortunately, even if you work hard, some couples will accidentally hurt each other. It seems that human efforts alone are not enough. True "conscious loving" comes from a deep understanding and admiration for yourself, others, and for God. "Common commitment" is not just an expression of emotion, but also a promise, a vow, and a sacred covenant. At weddings, we often hear such vows: "I am willing... from now on, no matter whether it is good or bad, rich or poor, health or illness, I will love you and cherish you until death separates us. All of this, I am willing to follow the divine law of God." However, how many people can truly keep this promise for life?
The Bible clearly states that marriage is not a human invention, but a creation of God, as recorded in Genesis 2:20-25: So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
This passage depicts the original design of marriage. God created and arranged a partner for Adam so that the two would become one, support each other and bless each other. However, after Adam and Eve committed sin and fall, sin entered the world and the hearts of the people. Sinfulness makes people want to love but don’t know how to love. Want to be close but always hurts.
This fallen world, coupled with the errors in family environment, social structure and cultural concepts, has quickly exposed our weakness, selfishness, and self-centeredness to intimate relationships. When conflicts come, both sides often choose to blame each other and hurt each other, but they are rarely willing to admit their mistakes and humbly admit their guilt. People cannot repair broken relationships by themselves, nor can they achieve the love that "until death separates us." Such love is really hard to maintain by people alone.
Making Covenant in God and Walking with God
Romans 7:24-25 says, "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
It is God who can truly help us love. Only by returning to the Lord who created marriage and let His love fill us first can we learn how to love. Because in Christ we are "new creations", the Holy Spirit in us not only heals our hearts, but also continues to help us, turning from the center of "I" to "you", from "demanding one another" to "denying oneself for one another." The perfect union is not the encounter between two perfect people, but two incomplete people who make covenant in God to walking together step by step and learning the lessons of love through His truth and grace.
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications
