Recovering from Improper Parenting

Do you believe the Chinese proverb, "Under heaven, there are no parents who do wrong" (in ping yin: "Tian xia wu bu shi de fu mu"). Most of us care so much about our children that we often love them more than ourselves. But I have to point out that there are improper parenting practices in the Chinese culture.

Because parents are usually the first influence in our lives, what we learn or do not learn from them when we're young can have lasting repercussions. Unfortunately, this can translate into many people suffering from the effects of improper parenting.

If not addressed, those effects can be felt for a lifetime, and they include low self-esteem, being drawn into abusive relationships, unhealthy habits or inhibitions and feelings of worthlessness.

Improper parenting can include physical, sexual and verbal abuse, physical and emotional neglect, rejection, favoritism of one sibling over another, lack of discipline, forcing choices on children and being overly protective or indulgent, and of course, favoritism of one gender over another!

Often, people raise their children the way they were raised. So, it's important to heal your own wounds first and learn proper parenting techniques so you don't perpetuate this vicious cycle.

How, then, can we heal from improper parenting to become whole, healthier and happier members of society as well as being better parents to the next generation?

First, it is important to understand that, in an adult, there is still a part that thinks, feels and reacts like a child because, unfortunately, time alone does not heal childhood wounds. In addition, here are some other steps you can take to learn how to nurture and heal the child within:

Embrace the recovery process. Whether you decide to seek pastoral counseling, professional therapy, spiritual guidance, life coaching, or learn coping skills yourself, be aware that the process will take time and effort. Be patient with yourself and don't expect perfection.

Don't blame others. We cannot thrive in the present if we are living in the past or blaming others for our problems and conflicts. Even though we could not control the first years of our life, we also should not blame others for the choices we have made. We have to learn how to take responsibility and work through the traumatic feelings from the past that continue to haunt us in the present.

Identify and remove mental and emotional blocks. Through therapy, journaling or other techniques, it's important to probe the unprocessed issues from childhood that continue to negatively impact you and block you from living the life you want.

Learn new strategies. Realize that the process consists not only of learning the right behaviors, but about being a whole person. That means taking reasonable risks to build your emotional confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. Personally, my mindset and perspective changed when the Holy Spirit spoke to me through the Bible -- the word of God.

Growing up all over again. Essentially, it's almost like going through the growing up process again, but this time in a way that works for you. Self-help books may urge you to learn to rely upon yourself to meet your own needs or get what you feel you have been lacking, but we need a "full of grace" environment to grow. Taking it one step further, we need to be re-parented by someone who is safe and trustworthy. Ultimately, we all need to be re-parented, nurtured and re-shaped by God our Heavenly Father because no parents on earth are perfect.

Forgive. Forgiveness can be a controversial issue. Some regard it as necessary for healing; others say it is not. At heart, forgiveness comes from God and is a process of setting you free. It's not about condoning the way that you were parented, but about understanding the roots of your parents' behavior, letting go of the past, and moving on. Whether or not you decide to forgive your parents, do try to forgive yourself for any choices or behaviors you may regret. You might even reframe any regrets as opportunities for growth and learning.

Share your story. Support groups are an excellent opportunity for you to share your story with others in a safe environment. Listen to others who are also suffering, and pour your heart out to someone who can understand what you are going through or have been through, and you will find that you are not alone because of fellow travelers. Attending church fellowships and small groups on a regular basis could help because we all have one Father in heaven!

It's hard to imagine being a good parent and setting an effective example for our children until we've gone through the recovery process ourselves. However, once we begin to heal and let go of the mistakes our parents made in our childhood, we can not only break negative parenting cycles and become better parents, but better functioning human beings as well. Only by experiencing God's love and truly learning how to love and accept ourselves can we in turn love and accept others.

Thank you God for guiding me to recover from improper upbringing and giving me the opportunity to know my Savior Jesus Christ for who He is: "The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is Himself God and is in closest relationship with the Father, has made Him known." (John 1:14, 18)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Grow Yourself as a Parent

In so many ways, having a child really changed my life. I was forced to grow up even though I was already a software development manager in the Silicon Valley. Having to take care of and develop a little child really got me thinking. My life was transformed when I started finding out what I didn't know. Amazingly, even now, as a grandmother for many years, there is still so much to learn.

How about you? What has your parenting journey been like? No matter where you are on your journey, has it ever occurred to you that you still need some encouragement to face the amazing challenges of parenthood?

Imagine a baby shower where the guests bring a special kind of gift for the new parents. Not baby clothes. Not strollers or cribs. Not even a single book on child-rearing. The gifts for the new parents? Self-awareness, self-love and self-growth as a person, as well as a parent.

If you feel uncomfortable with that last statement because it seems to focus too much on yourself, think twice and consider what Jesus taught in the Bible. “The most important one is this: ‘... Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:29-31).

As a Chinese parent, you probably care more about your child than yourself. Love and caring are good. However, remember the flying safety instruction of putting on our oxygen mask before helping the child or elderly next to us. If you cannot breathe, you cannot help others!

Parenting is one of the -- if not the -- most challenging jobs on the planet. There is the awesome responsibility of raising and guiding another human being, of course. But it's the daily interactions between children and parents that can require almost super-human amounts of flexibility, patience and awareness. All the experts and all the books aren't there when it's your toddler who won't sleep, your school-age daughter who stole a valued toy from her best friend, your depressed teenage son who is desperately searching for answers, or your adult child who can't hold down a job.

At one level, successful -- even joyful -- parenting is about listening to ourselves as well as listening to our children. It's a hands-off approach that brings the focus back to what we are feeling and experiencing, so that we don't unthinkingly rain anger and fear down upon our children. Being aware of ourselves helps us develop a strong "mind of Christ" or an intuitive sense of knowing what is best for us and our children in any moment. (And accepting that sometimes we really don't know yet!)

In his book "Sacred Parenting," Christian author Gary Thomas writes, "Our natural (but not necessarily holy) inclination to make life as easy as possible for our children, coupled with our focus on what we really want them to achieve, ultimately tells us parents what we value most about life. In what we stress with our children, we reveal the true passion of our own hearts."

One of the first challenges is to understand that old patterns -- often formed in our own childhoods -- can often rule our behavior as parents right now. For example, if our own parents tried to fix everything that went wrong, we may try to do the same with our children. But the truth is, sometimes our children may need us just to listen to their fears and not jump in with our own fears and try to "fix" it all.

In the process, we allow our kids to make mistakes, and that means we can, too. And if we can forgive our kids and accept them with all their flaws and imperfections, it can't be too difficult to do this for ourselves.

As author Gary Thomas writes: "Are we leaving an authentic example for our children to follow? Will what they've seen draw them to God, or will our hypocrisy create a roadblock for faith? None of us can leave a perfect example, but we can provide a genuine example, an authentic picture of what it means to walk hand in hand with God."

As a mother, have you ever wondered what to leave for your son like I did back then? The Apostle Paul once wrote to Timothy: "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." (2 Timothy 1:5)

If you think you can't make it, you're not alone. Who can give you hope, help and healing? Perhaps as Christian parents, all we can do is to live out our new life of "Union with  Christ" day by day, moment by moment!

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Staying in Touch 保持聯繫

I hope this email finds you well. Thanks for reading my "Parenting ABC" newsletters!

As you know, I am now a retired California marriage and family therapist who no longer provides counseling and therapy services. Lord willing, I shall continue to write articles and lead workshops; and you are still welcome to visit ParentingABCtoday.com for additional resources.

I understand not everyone is looking for referrals so I have added a CONNECT form on my website so that you can send me a message, ask questions and request prayers in Chinese or English.

As a new believer, I received what Jesus said, "Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." (Mark 5:19) and changed the direction of my life.

At this stage I'm still serving as a Pastor's wife being a child of God, a wife, mother, grandmother, sister and friend. There will be changes in the direction and website of Parenting ABC, so please stay tune and pray for me.

It has been wonderful to hear from my readers over the years, I still feel encouraged and supported each time I get a message. I'm so glad we have met each other, please tell me how I may pray for you.

In case somehow you're not receiving my emails in the future, you may use this CONNECT form to get in touch with me any time. To use it to update your change of email address, or request a prayer, simply visit https://parentingabctoday.com/ and select the CONNECT tab at the top. Please try it now.

Remember, you and I are never alone in Christ. May the Lord bless you and your family!

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收信平安。感謝你閱讀我的《美國孩子、中國爹娘》Parenting ABC 每月通訊！

如你所知，我現在是一名退休的加州婚姻和家庭治療師，不再從事專業諮詢、輔導和治療服務。但主若願意，我將會繼續寫文章和作陪訓講員。請為我禱告，也歡迎隨時到 ParentingABCtoday.com 網站尋求資源。

我知道不是每個人都需要專業心理諮詢和治療師的轉介，所以我在網站上添加了一個聯繫表格，這樣你就可以用中文或英文向我發送消息、問問題和請求代禱。

初信主，我領受了主耶穌所說的話：「你回家去，到你的親屬那裡，將主為你所做的是何等大的事，是怎樣憐憫你，都告訴他們。」(馬可福音 5:19) 並改變了我的人生方向。

在這個階段，我仍然是師母，是神的孩子、妻子、母親、祖母、姐妹和朋友。《美國孩子、中國爹娘》的方向和網站將會有變化，敬請期待，為我禱告。

多年來收到讀者的來信真是太棒了，每次收到消息時，我仍然感到鼓舞和支持。我很高興我們認識了彼此，請告訴我如何為你禱告。

以防你收不到我的電子郵件，你以後可以隨時使用此表格來與我聯繫。要使用它來更改電子郵件地址或請求代禱，只需訪問 https://parentingabctoday.com/ 並選擇頂部的 CONNECT 選項卡。請現在就試試看。

不要忘記，在基督裡，你我永遠不會孤單。願神賜福給你和你全家!

The Power of Resurrection

Ten-year-old Fanny moved from the East Coast to the San Francisco Bay Area with her parents. (Fanny was born in the United States and her parents were professionals from overseas.) It had been half-a-year and Fanny was still unhappy and out of tune with her classmates at school. Fanny was also depressed at home and talked less and less. Under the suggestion and recommendation of her teacher, her parents finally agreed to allow her to receive psychological therapy.

When I first met Fanny, she was very shy, not talkative, but still cooperative. I asked her to draw three separate pictures:  a house, a tree, and a person. The tree she drew was actually lying on the ground. There was no horizon line. Although the trees had leaves, but there was no root. When I asked about the tree, she said, "This tree has just been transplanted to a new garden. One day, the wind blew really hard. The leaves were very heavy. Nobody was there to help. And the tree fell down.”

In subsequent weekly sessions, Fanny drew the toppled tree a few times and repeated the story. But every time she shared a little bit more about what the tree thought and how it felt being uprooted. Suddenly one day, the tree she drew stood tall on the horizon with thick roots, healthy trunks, and green leaves. The girl smiled and said, "Someone helped to replant the tree in the garden. Now it has grown up and is no longer afraid of the strong wind."

The above is a true story of me helping a child in a public school almost 25 years ago, but the name and background have been changed to protect privacy. "Uprooting" had a great impact on body, mind and spirit. The girl didn't understand why her parents had to move and took her away from the stable home where she grew up, causing her to lose her familiar environment, classmates and friends all at once. Encountering new challenges and setbacks, she felt anxious and fearful. When she spoke out, no one seemed to understand. She only got different opinions, defenses, and advice, which made her feel even more lonely, helpless, and depressed. She was downcast and unmotivated, like the fallen tree with no one to help. Thank God that because of our one-on-one time, listening, and play therapy, she felt cared for and loved. In the course of time, unperceptibly, the root regrew and the tree was able to stand up once again, and Fanny was able to face tomorrow.

Immigrant parents often have strong personalities, try to find a way out on their own in everything. They want the best for their children, but they often forget that they are limited as human beings. I have also experienced such pressure of life, the different ideas between husband and wife, and the conflicts in parenting. Those challenges caused a lot of anxiety, frustration, anger, pain and disappointment in my heart. I even thought that life was meaningless. Thank God that in my desperation I met my Savior Jesus Christ who "came to seek and to save the lost." (Luke 19:10)

Everyone will experience difficulties and helplessness in life. What is the core Christians belief? The apostle Paul said, "For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures." (1 Corinthians 15:3-4)

Although the sky is not always blue after believing in Jesus Christ, but trusting that the Lord is with us, we can rely on Him who loves us to face the storms of life, just as the apostle Paul said: "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us." (2 Corinthians 1:8-10)

Handling Adversity: You're Stronger Than You Thought

Catastrophic events and bad news can knock us to our knees. COVID-19 epidemic, the Turkey & Syria earthquake, stabbing murder of four Idaho U students, successive shootings in the Chinese community in California, and Tyre Nichol's death after brutal police beating. But personal adversities can pack an equally powerful punch. Our parents get divorced, our spouse is diagnosed with cancer, our family member has a mental breakdown, we lose our home. Often these events seem to come out of nowhere and feel completely unmanageable as we struggle to regain our footing and any semblance of "normal."

But, like great trees, humans can grow stronger when exposed to powerful winds. That is easy to say, we may think, as we recall those who did not grow stronger but instead broke in the wind. How do we increase our inner strength and flexibility so that we not only survive the adversity but thrive? Here are several strategies that can help.

Take responsibility. Look at your role in the situation. Was the event, in fact, predictable? You may have had more control over the situation than you realized. At the same time, don't take more responsibility than is warranted. If your child develops a brain tumor it's not because you did something wrong. Be honest, but don't point fingers, not even at yourself.

Be optimistic and think creatively. Trust that there's a solution to every problem and let your mind soar. Approach the problem from new and different directions. Perhaps rather than losing your home, you could find a housemate whose rent would make the difference between paying the mortgage or not.

Have courage and speak up. Courage is taking action despite the fear you feel. If someone isn't taking you seriously, speak up. Be your own advocate. Tell that person what you want and need. Don't assume he or she "should know."

Take the long view. Recount other times when you have overcome challenges. How did you do it? Who or what helped you? Who or what can help you this time?

Maintain a sense of humor. There's truth in the adage: "Laughter is the best medicine." Even in the darkest of times, laughter can help ease the pain.

Get support. No one can handle everything alone. When you get that overwhelmed feeling—or even before—reach out. Ask for help. Next time, ask for it sooner. You'll be amazed by how much better you feel.

Don't quit. Persistence may be the greatest human quality that helps us overcome adversity. Draw inspiration from the great heroes of the world and the Bible who persisted despite the odds. Remember, you are your own best ally. And you're stronger and more resilient than you thought.

The Apostle Paul shared his secret from his experience as a follower of Christ:

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Come Sit Awhile with Me

Many years ago, my husband James had to leave the house early for an all-day meeting. Knowing how he prefers oatmeal than donuts or pastries, I got up to fix breakfast. While cooking, lots of thoughts went through my mind.

Just oatmeal? But I'm sleepy. Scrambled eggs? James would love that. But I'm really tired. Maybe I will go back to bed as soon as he starts eating.

But I changed my mind. James obviously enjoyed his breakfast. Suddenly, he looked up and said, "Thanks for getting up early and fixing breakfast. I so appreciate you eating with me. Do you know that in the song You Raise Me Up, the phrase 'Until you Come and Sit Awhile with Me' always moves me? It means so much that you sit with me, even just for 15 minutes. I know you are tired."

My eyes got moist. "Thanks. I'm tired. Part of me didn't want to get up. I just wanted to cook breakfast and go back to sleep. I wasn't hungry, but there was another part of me that just wanted to sit with you for a while. Now you tell me the same thing: 'Come and sit awhile with me.' Actually, I thought of that song too."

“Glad to hear that. Now I can see that every week when we sit down to talk or sing with Mama, or to go for a walk with her, we are giving her a gift.” (This was in the days that my mother-in-law was still alive.)

Humans crave belonging and connection. Everyone needs a friend who will listen, sit down, fish or play basketball with. Caring is more than feeling sorry for someone when something bad happens. Caring is not just doing things for family members out of duty. We can learn how to help others joyfully by being there with them. CARE requires Compassion, Acceptance, Respect and Empathy. As followers of Christ, we already have new life. With the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, we can, by God's grace, be inspiring and encouraging helpers like Brother Barnabas.

"News of this reached the church in Jerusalem, and they sent Barnabas to Antioch. When he arrived and saw what the grace of God had done, he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true to the Lord with all their hearts." (Acts 11:22-23).

I'm so glad we spent time every week with Mama while she was still alive. James and I have recently moved to be closer to our son and his growing family. Although we still need to get used to the cold weather, how wonderful it is to spend time with one or many of them! Imagine our joy when our daughter-in-law showed up one day and said, "It's warm outside today, are you interested in taking a walk together?"

The Road Ahead: What Will You Do Differently This Year

Changing the way things are done can bring opportunities for great success. But reaction to change may be fearful and irrational, which can result in failures, a decrease in quality and a loss of productivity and production. When it comes to family, work, business and ministry, it can be tempting to give in to those anxieties by doing what's always been done. But some form of adjustment, such as freeing up time, money, and energy for new opportunities, is sometimes necessary in order to prepare for a better year.

Firstly, decide which are the most important adjustments to make. Ask yourself these questions:

1. What personal and business toleration interfered with your personal and work progress? Having to "tolerate" something or someone may mean you believe there is no choice, so you just bite your tongue and grind your teeth. Toleration is a good indication of having certain problems you need to face.

2. Were last year's goals reached? Why or why not? How will those obstacles be addressed? Setting new goals without having evaluated the previous year's goals can result in a cycle of substandard results.

3. What are some fiscally responsible goals, e.g. increasing income, collaborating with people, creating new products or services, improving marketing strategies, etc., that will also be fun? Remember, all work and no play make Jack a dull (and bored) boy, as the saying goes.

4. What expectations do you have for your relationships? For example, rekindling love with your spouse, getting along with your teenager, playing with your kid, enjoying and appreciating your family, and giving thanks to God for His love and faithfulness, etc. How will these goals bring joy to your life?

5. What self-care do you need to focus on for the health of your body, mind and spirit? For example, diet, exercise, spiritual disciplines, and other life issues. Are you focused on what really matters in your life?

Secondly, what do you need to change to have a better year? Here are some suggestions for your consideration:

1. Choose passion over profit. Connect to your bigger purpose in life, work, business and ministry; and then the rewards will flow effortlessly. Passionate people attract success.

2. Learning with an open mind. Technology changes fast. Staying on top of what's working now is only half the battle. Reading the Bible, praying, observing, and thinking are essential. Discovering what's up and coming and leveraging that knowledge is the key to an exceptional year. Are there something new that you could learn with your spouse, children, friends, colleagues or co-workers?

3. Count your blessings and celebrate success. Acknowledging and rewarding success with gratitude keeps everyone motivated. Mark those mini-milestones with celebration and recognition!

4. Add, don't subtract. In business, when repeat clients stop buying your products or services, something needs to change. Instead of cutting prices, add value instead--bundle existing services/products, add bonuses or create new offerings. At home, when your family members are not talking to each other, something is wrong. Instead of pretending that all is well (e.g. "we never argue"), learn to listen attentively and talk assertively to engage them with respect and care.

Finally, beware of blind spots

1. Every driver has blind spots. That's what rear-view mirrors are for. Blind spots in the family, church, work and business environment can be harder to identify. In a factory, how does a person avert disaster in a work environment without the benefit of mirrors? How can you find out your blind spots?

2. Ask around. Getting honest feedback from family and church members, clients, customers and service providers can be as uncomfortable as it is invaluable. Do it anyway.

3. Coffee time. Chat up a friend, family member, co-worker or colleague and encourage them to share their observations about what you are doing well and what needs improvement. Sometimes what needs to change is missed because it is so "obvious."

4. Seek professional help. Getting an objective outsiders opinion can help you see what is going well or not.

Moving into the New Year doesn't have to be a scary proposition. Having a clear sense of what's ahead can circumvent failure and create a successful year. Anxious of changing? Afraid of taking risks? Try your best and leave the outcome to God.

At the beginning of last year, I missed my family dearly. But due to the pandemic and our work schedule, it seemed impossible to visit loved ones whom I had not seen for several years. All I could do was to pray. Unexpectedly, God led step by step and allowed me to retire and move before year end. How grateful we are to be reunited with our son and his family! My husband and I can continue to study the Bible online with our brothers and sisters, and we can also watch our grandchildren grow up in close proximity. Everything is by grace. In the process, we cling to the word of God:

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  (James 4:13-15)

Of course, not everyone has to change for the sake of change. But you can still take some time to evaluate the past and look forward to the future, may the Lord show you His will, His way, and His timing in this new year!