Cultivating a Grateful Heart

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever." (Psalm 136:1)

With so many bad news in the world, near and far, do you sometimes find it hard to give thanks?

There was a time that I was scheduled to give a talk in a support group. When the time came, I had reserved one morning to finish my handout. But that day as I was fixing breakfast, my back suddenly hurt so badly that I couldn't stand up straight.

Oh No! My sciatica pain has flared up again!

I carefully moved towards the wall and started doing the "Untwisting Your Nerve" exercise that I learned in physical therapy. But when it did not seem to work, I started to panic.

There is no way for me to prepare for the talk! May be I cannot even go!

I prayed and slowly walked to my home office in a crouching position. After sitting quietly for awhile, I sent an e-mail.

"Hi, I'm still planning to be there but I may not have handout.  Most likely I will send you the handout pretty late because my back is hurting and I have other responsibilities. Please pray for all attendees and me, especially for my sciatica pain. See you."

I sat quietly and accepted (not just enduring) the pain of the moment. Before I knew it, my back pain was gone. Two days later, I shared this most recent example in my "Dealing with Emotions -- How Emotions and Stress Affect Our Health" workshop. How could I not give thanks to the Lord?

Counting our blessings and giving thanks can take our minds away from troubles in our life and in this world. I like to use the following list to cultivate a grateful heart during Thanksgiving. Please try one or two questions.

1. What one biggest gift (tangible or intangible) have you received this year?
2. What two things changed your life this year?
3. What three incidents help you grow in your faith this year?
4. Which four blessings in your home are you willing to thank God for?
5. What five happy experiences have you had?
6. What six things created by God are things that we cannot live without even though we sometimes take them for granted?
7. Who are seven people, inside or outside of your home, for whom you are most thankful?

My biggest gift in 2019 is our fifth grandchild. After my daughter-in-law's mother took care of them for a month, I went to help for 24 days. I could hold the baby all day, even though I had to first sit down and wait for her parents to bring her. I also enjoyed spending time with the other grandchildren, often playing one game after another, or reading one storybook after another. Thank God that my son and daughter-in-law are responsible parents and they understand my sciatica. Going to bed early and taking naps, I was more relaxed there than in California!

There were many other incidents and changes that helped me grow in my faith this year.

One is regarding my sciatic pain. This time last year I told my primary doctor the recurrence of lower back pain. Once again she prescribed physical therapy and plenty of rest. Since I already tried Physical Therapy a few times without lasting outcome, I was skeptical. Nevertheless I made an appointment for December when I wasn't so busy. However, my back was hurting so badly the morning after Thanksgiving that I had to call for help.

Amazingly, they said I could see another Physical Therapist that afternoon. After asking me about my situation, she asked me to stand naturally in front of a mirror and put my hands on my hips. She showed me how my left and right sides were not leveled. She diagnosed the cause of my sciatica pain and taught me exercises and sleep positioning in the next few months. She even prepared me the right way to hold my new grand-baby.

The "Untwisting Your Nerve" exercise was so helpful that I was able to resume daily walk with James since the end of May. Thank God for His divine appointment for me to meet this knowledgeable, skillful and caring Physical Therapist!

I also experienced God's amazing grace with James' eyesight changes. In late July, his left eye suddenly had blurred vision. I was scared because that is his only functioning eye. After seeing a Retina specialist, an injection was given to his eyeball in early August to slow down the build-up of fluid in his retina. The off-label drug was normally prescribed for chemotherapy treatment. There was no guarantee for healing. "Perhaps we can rely on injection to keep his vision from getting worse. When his vision is stable, perhaps he can wear special glasses."

I sent out prayer requests pleading our merciful God to allow James to drive, read, preach, and lead Bible studies.

James remained calm. I tried not to be emotional but I was feeling very scared and worried, especially after searching the Internet and reading many negative reports. What if the shot had negative effects? What if James became blind? What if ...

Amazingly, James' could see clearly in just 2 days after the injection. In his September check up, even the doctor was surprised how fast his eye had recovered. James did not need another injection but had to be checked again to make sure his vision was stabilized. Imagine our joy when James tested 20/20 on his left eye in November! The doctor said, "All is well. Let's check again in December because we need to keep an eye on you." I could not help but say "Thank God!" Even the doctor nodded his head.

In 2007, James underwent surgery on this left eye to treat the macular hole in the retina. I was scared to death before his operation until I was comforted by the Word of God in our Thursday Bible study. 12 years later, the same eye needed an eyeball injection and I was scared to death again. Amazingly, a few days before the injection, in our Monday Bible study in a different city, God spoke clearly to me again using the same passage (Mark 6:45-52). Jesus said to me, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." How can I not thank the Lord?

Life is unpredictable but we can thank the Lord Jesus for saving us and walking with us. Please Click HERE to read my article titled "Giving Thanks While Bowing Down" to find out how James' left eye lost and regained central vision in 2007. Thank God for His love and faithfulness!

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

How are you? Let me listen to your gratitude and stress, and pray for you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Lord Gives Peace

"People have sorrow and joy; they part and meet again and again. The moon dims or shines; it waxes and wanes again and again." This quote by Su Dongpo reminds us the reality of life. On this day of the Autumn Moon Festival, I would like to share a real life experience many years ago.

Four days after the 911 terrorist attack in 2001, my husband James and I drove our son to college. We stayed at a friend's house on the way so that we could arrive at the campus early. Unexpectedly, there was already a long line of cars waiting for the "freshmen move-in" service provided by upperclassmen and we had to line up a few blocks away. Fortunately, the college juniors and seniors were strong, and the line moved fast. When our van reached the front of the line after two hours, some muscled guys unloaded all of our son’s belongings and placed them into huge canvas containers with wheels. With ease, they rolled the containers through winding pathways connecting different buildings. Before we knew it, our son's belongings arrived the upstairs suite where he would live for one year with five other guys.

I was relieved watching how our son took initiative to greet people and strike up conversations. We met a young man who was helping his younger brother to move in. When he noticed the cross on the homemade necklace our son was wearing, he asked, "Are you a Christian?" The two of them became friends and quickly exchanged phone numbers.

With lightning speed, our teenager set up his PC and made sure everything worked. While I was making his extra long bed, he and James took turn checking their e-mails. Sitting in front of his desk in his single room, our son put his hands behind his head, looked out the window, and proclaimed, "This place is like a palace."

Not wasting a moment, James said, "Time to go."

Caught by surprise, I uttered, "Let's check out the bookstore and help him buy his books." 

Suppressing my feelings, I stopped by different attractions to take pictures, trying to appreciate the beautiful campus while we walked. But how I wanted to linger on!

I could not believe how fast our son found all his text books and paid for them with his credit card. I was proud of him but also felt regretful. Has my boy really grown up?

As soon as we left the bookstore, James said again, "Time to go."

I almost collapsed but still pretended to be calm. I glanced at my watch. "Hey, it's almost noon, let's have lunch. We can stay a couple more hours." They did not object, but we were all very quiet on the way to the cafeteria.

As we walked, I asked myself, "Why are they so eager to separate? My friends said their daughters were reluctant to let their parents go home. Doesn't my son love me anymore? Why doesn't my husband support me?"

Suddenly, I thought about 911 and the news that there might be more terrorist attacks. I have mixed feelings and thoughts. After I came to the United States for college, I never saw my mom again because she died of heart failure two years later at age 48. Mom had never seen her son-in-law and grandson. What if ... Thinking about all these things, I can’t help but feel sadder and sadder.

Waiting in line for food in the dining hall, my son suddenly asked: "Mom, are those tears in your eyes?"

I could not stop my tears when I poured out my heart. I was feeling angry, disappointed, sad, anxious, afraid, ... They both nodded as they listened. Thank God that they listened, understood, and accepted me! As it turned out, they also felt the sadness of separation. And that's why they longed for a quick departure to fix the pain!

After lunch I suggested, "Let's take more pictures on campus. Mom will be on her way in a couple of hours." They burst into laughter at my delay tactic. Two hours later, James took our final photo with our almost six-foot tall son wrapping his arm around my shoulders. The tears in my eyes and the smile on my face is the proof of my bittersweet experience.

When we arrived home late at night, an email was waiting for us: "Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for taking me to school. I am fine so don't worry. My new friend today will pick me up for church. Good night. Love you."

Jesus told His disciples, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Remembering Dad and Giving Thanks to Our Father in Heaven

On this Father's Day, I remember my father and give thanks to the Lord Jesus Christ for His wonderful salvation. May all glory, honor, and praises be given to our Father in Heaven.

Remembering Dad -- a father who made mistakes but eventually became a "New Creation"

Although Dad has passed away for many years, he is still in my heart. My Dad betrayed my Mom and had a son with another woman when I was one year old. Mom was helpless in changing his mind. Using Grandma’s “two girls in a row ...” as a excuse, Dad made his mistress his concubine and broke Mom's heart. I became Mom's confidant as she instilled the concept of being an independent woman who would never rely on my husband.

Strive to be Accepted

Even though Dad betrayed Mom, she still desire his love and acceptance. It was evident from my preschool photo (having a boy's haircut and wearing a jumpsuit) that Mom was still concerned about being able to give birth to a son. She took risk of pregnancy disregarding her doctor's warning. After nine years of trying, she finally gave Dad a son to regain his love. At the same time, I worked hard to compete with boys. I tried to find affirmation with good grades and good behaviors so to please my Dad and Grandma, and to make Mom proud.

However, in spite of human efforts, despite the apparent peace of mind, nobody can break the tradition of favoring boys over girls, make up for the infidelity in the marriage contract, and heal the wound of being rejected. I can't believe that I am valuable, and love can last.

After the marital storm, my parents tried to live a normal family life, and finally they had a son. My younger brother brought happiness to my parents. But their good times didn't last long. In his thirties, Dad lost his son (my half-brother). In his fifties, he lost his wife (my mother). He felt deeply guilty about his two wives and children through pain and suffering.

I don't understand why Dad has to go through so much pain. In his generation, people can marry many wives. He desperately wanted to treat them fairly but that was impossible. I still remember an occasion when he was drunk, he tearfully advised my cousins: "Don't marry two wives! One is enough!"

Jesus heals my wound

Unhealthy thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are often passed down from generation to generation. The tragedy of my family of origin helped me understand the dark and struggling side of human nature. Although I have always loved my father, I have hated him. When I became a young mother, the tragedy of my parents became the shadow behind my relationship with my husband, which made me both over sensitive and insecure.

In 1989, I realized that I am a new creation. God's love and faithfulness healed my wounds, helped me to accept my past, and forgive those who had hurt me, especially Dad. I am most grateful to find out that he had already believed in the Lord before he died in 1986. This news brought me unexpected peace and great comfort, thanking God for the wonderful salvation of Jesus Christ!

I am sharing my family secrets on Father's Day because I could imagine that if Dad is still alive, he would share his failures and weaknesses without the fear of losing face. He would share how the Lord Jesus Christ healed his sorrowful and contrite heart. In retrospect, Dad still tried to correct the terrible mistakes he made in an unhealthy cultural environment, trying to be a good husband and a good father: providing for both families, sharing dinner with my mother and us four nights a week, taking us to parks, movies, restaurants, and sending me to college in the United States. 

After making his share of mistakes, he repented and became a responsible person.  This has affected me deeply to help couples deal with marital crisis today. I can't rewrite history, but I can say, "Dad, I love you! How glad I am that you and I have a new life given by the Lord Jesus Christ!"

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Mom's Unconditional Love in Action

Thank you for praying for me and my family. I am back in the Bay Area after visiting my son's family. Here is a photo of my newest bundle of joy soon after I arrived their home.

On this Mother's Day, I wanted to remember my mother's unconditional love. A similar article written in Chinese will be sent separately in a short while. 

It was August, 1973. The day before I left Hong Kong for college in California, my mom insisted on ironing all my shirts by herself (even though our family had a maid).

Suddenly Mom cried, "Oh no!"

I rushed in, saw what happened, and yelled, "Why did you do that?"

I walked away to conceal my disappointment -- my favorite blouse was ruined! Then I felt really guilty yelling at Mom. Why did I do that?

I was sitting there dejected when her gentle voice called, "Your blouse is okay. Look..." She had cut the burnt tip off and made both pointed collars curved!

The next day we hugged and bid farewell. Two years later, she died of heart failure while I was still in college. Yet her love lives in me and sustains me. I treasure our last family photo taken a few months before I left Hong Kong with me standing next to Mom. Who could imagine I would never see her again after coming to California?

How do I know my mom loved me? That day when I yelled at her, somehow she knew I was anxious about going to the United States and she forgave me for taking things out on her. Her love helped me years later to understand the greater love of Christ. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).

Happy Mother's Day!

Befriending Anger and Remembering Father

How did you feel when you heard about children being separated from their families?

What are we supposed to do when someone or something triggers anger and stirs up our personally history?

Recently, I had a great vacation visiting my sister in Texas. On my first night there, I saw something very familiar on her coffee table and asked, “What is that?”

It’s Dad’s ash tray!

Although I haven’t seen it for decades, it still brought back my bittersweet childhood memories. My dad broke my mom’s heart when he had an affair. But both of them tried their best to keep our family together.  I felt peaceful and grateful sitting with my sister.

This month’s feature article “Befriending Anger” reminds us to befriend our anger so that we can find out what is really going on.

The Chinese article (中文文章 - 懷念爸爸) is a real-life story about disappointment, hurt and pain in my family of origin and the resurrecting power of Christ in healing brokenness. May our Heavenly Father God be glorified!

You may read the June 23rd 2018 Newsletter by clicking HERE.

Belated Happy Father’s Day! 父親節快樂! 

Joy and Peace to you,

Winnis Chiang

winnis@parentingabc.com

Life Stages and a Love that Reconciles

December 31, 2017 marked the transition into a new phase for our family. James’ mom (age 95) was moved into her daughter’s place. Thank God for my sister-in-law and her husband who remodeled and “senior proof” their basement apartment with an outside entrance. Now mom does not have to climb stairs to her 3rd-floor flat.  

That transition allowed James and me the freedom to participate in a vision trip to South Korea with other ethnic ministry leaders in early April. One place we visited was near the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) near the 38th parallel, the line dividing North and South Korea. Imagine praying with a group from all nations for the then upcoming summit between the North and South Korea leaders.

Here is a photo taken by Resonate Global Mission of the Christian Reformed Church of North America (CRCNA).

As explored in the feature article "Life Stages" this month, life goes through stages but we could still grow by getting out of our comfort zone at any age!

I'm grateful for both my mother-in-law and my own mother. Although my mommy passed away in 1975 at age 48, I still remember her love. You may read about "Love that Reconciles" written in Chinese (中文文章 - 主動和解的愛). Let’s bless others with the love of Christ! 

You may read the May 9th 2018 Newsletter by clicking HERE.

母親節快樂!  Happy Mother’s Day! 

Joy and Peace to you,

Winnis Chiang

winnis@parentingabc.com

Cultivating a Grateful Heart

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever." (Psalm 136:1)

James and I celebrated Thanksgiving with his mom and extended family. I was both happy and a bit sad, wishing our son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren were there too.  Thank God that we could Skype with them the next morning!

Recently, we spent one week in the Greater Toronto area for ministries and visiting friends. We participated in an one-day pre-discipleship-training conference, James preached on Sunday and led small group Bible study on Tuesday night. We also counseled/coached couples in different cities. I'm grateful for the trip, especially a chance to see some dear friends from Hong Kong.

We stayed with my elderly Kai-ma 契媽 (in Cantonese or Gan-ma 乾媽 in Mandarin) for a few days. We were neighbors living in the same 4-story building in Hong Kong. Kai-ma and my mom were good friends. She liked me and took me under her wing. I still remember spending time in her place after school, doing homework or playing with her children. Kai-ma taught me how to draw! I'm forever grateful for the time and energy she invested in me. Thank God that Kai-ma still recognized James and me. One morning, I thought about my mother (who passed away in 1975) and felt sad.  How I wish Mom was still on earth visiting Kai-ma with me!

I was happy just sitting with Kai-ma, listening to her stories. Her children joined us for dinner and lunch and I was treated with my favorite food, like the egg custard, through out the day. How I wish I could visit her more often. It's the same yearning I had a few years ago to spend more time with my birth sister and brother. I prayed and God has made a way. I'm grateful for our annual family reunion ever since.

Counting Your Blessings and Sharing Thanks
I have learned to be grateful for people in my lives. How about you? Would you join me in counting blessings and sharing thanks? Try these questions:

1. What one biggest gift (tangible or intangible) have you received this year?
2. What two things changed your life this year?
3. What three incidents help you grow in your faith this year?
4. What four blessings in your home should you thank God for?
5. What five happy experiences have you had?
6. What six things created by God are things that we cannot live without even though we sometimes take them for granted?
7. Who are seven people, inside and/or outside of your home, for whom you are most thankful?

Enjoying Simple Pleasure of Life
My biggest gift in 2017 is our 4th grandchild.  Sometimes we Skype during mealtime, when they are having lunch and we are having breakfast. It is a joy to sit with someone you love, and eat and drink whatever you enjoy the most. James and I take walks whenever we can. We love reading and discussing the Bible, and applying God's truth and grace in our lives.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

How have you been in 2017?  I'd love to hear your blessings, joy and sorrow, and pray for you.

Happy Thanksgiving!  May God bless you!

As a Result of Effective Communication

After integrating and practicing the communication tips I have been sharing with you, you will experience the peace and joy of:

• Changing failed communication patterns so nobody (including you!) feels hurt or left out.
• Connecting with each other to create an atmosphere of getting along instead of constant conflict.
• Giving others the confidence that you are a caring person, so they say "yes" to talking with you in spite of cultural, gender, generational and other differences.
• Integrating essential communication elements to create ongoing understanding, trust and mutual support to face challenges through different stages of life.
• Building an emotionally healthy family even though you don't have such experience growing up.

Unless you intentionally break your destructive cycle, you will be stuck in the same old repeated patterns. Think of yourself as a thermostat, NOT a thermometer. If you want, you could change the atmosphere in your home!

Not making the change will cost you physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually when your family is stuck in the same old unhealthy pattern. That's not the way to live.

I know these struggles because I was there. Years ago, NOT knowing how to have constructive communication was damaging my marriage, parenting, and my life. Even though I looked successful from the outside, I felt miserable, hopeless and helpless inside!

Changes take courage and work and a lot of grace from God.

If you missed or never received the special communication report that was sent out in August, go here to download your f.r.e.e. gift - Say It! Hear It!

Love, Joy and Peace to you!

Reflection Before Father's Day

Father's Day is coming soon. I want to appreciate the fathers and father-figures I know. Whether you have children of your own, don't ever underestimate your role and the difference you can make as a caring male model in the life of even one young person.

Yesterday there was an explosion near the front gate of a kindergarten in eastern China. At least eight people were killed, almost seventy people were injured. Authorities have said that the deadly blast was the work of a 22-year-old suicide bomber.

My heart cried for the victims and their families. Such traumatic event will affect many lives for years to come. People are shocked, angered, afraid, depressed. Something insensible like this reminds us that life is short, the world is not safe, and things are not under our control ... There will be anxiety and fear.

I also feel very sad for the suicide-bomber. How could he plan such evil to destroy? Then I wonder whether he could have asked for help to deal with his own pains, struggles, anger, depression and hopelessness.

As I was losing peace, I prayed and I remembered what Jesus said. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

I thought about those little kids and their fathers, mothers, grandparents who were picking them up after school. I thought about the teachers, the helpers, ... I wish they have all known our Heavenly Father and His unconditional love.

The Bible and resources like the "Father's Love Letter" (in print, audio and video) have helped millions of people, including me, when something triggered us into depression and anxiety. Check it out!

For English go to http://fathersloveletter.com/index.html
For Chinese go to http://fathersloveletter.com/Chinese/

Let us honor our Abba Father who created us and has given us new lives in Christ. May you have peace in Christ and share His love with someone today.

Happy Father's Day!

Reflection on Mother's Day

I have not forgotten writing you. I was just having too much fun in the East Coast, mixing work and play. James and I were away a total of ten days. First we presented workshops at a church; then we reunited with my brother and sister, and their spouses. We also visited James' sister and brother-in-law one evening. We are grateful for a chance to serve and interacted with so many special people in the Greater New York area.

We arrived home late Saturday night. The next day after church, we went to San Francisco to celebrate Mother's Day with James' mom, sister, brother and their families.  How wonderful it is to enjoy time with both sides of the family in May!

At age 95, James' mom has many children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We celebrated with yummy Chinese food, cakes and beautiful flowers. Mama was very happy.

On Monday, James and I took her to the park and walked around the lake. I went brisk walking while they strolled with her walker. We reunited just in time to see a pair of Canadian geese taking care of their little ones.  Obviously the mom and dad were protective and watchful while training their little ones. Finally they went for a swim. Those goslings will grow up and fly away.  And that is good!

As we were celebrating Mother's Day with James' mom, our son and his family Skyped us. I'm grateful for technology. But even if there was no Internet, physical distance really does not have to break heart-to-heart connections.

I love the card our son sent me. As a mother and grandmother, I was so encouraged by his note. The photos of him, his wife and their kids are precious. Oh how fast the kids have grown!

I remembered how James took our young son to Yeye and Nainai on the weekends, and how our adult son walked around the lake with me when he visited the Bay Area. As I am writing now, my heart is filled with love, gratitude and contentment. Jesus Christ my Savior can also transform your life, marriage and family. Even though I still missed my mom who passed away in 1975, I am grateful for my family and the body of Christ. Although I still feel sad that my mom never met my husband and son, I can now sit with that sadness and experience joy. What great things our Lord has done!

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom. One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts. They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—and I will meditate on your wonderful works." (Psalm 145:3-5)

Enjoy people you love. Happy Mother's Day!

One-Liners to Avoid in an Argument

They slice and dice, cutting wounds not easily healed by pacifying words.

They inflame like a lit match near gasoline.

They suck the life out of all that they touch. 

They’re the zingers we fling at each other during arguments, the cruel and aggressive wisecracks or retorts that escalate a fight like nothing else. And when the zingers begin to outnumber the kind words spoken to each other, it may be too late to fix the relationship because the love has dried up and blown away.

Learning how to communicate well in a conflict—how to argue without hurting and insulting each other—is possibly the most important relationship survival skill ever. Doing so reduces divorce and domestic violence rates—and increases personal happiness, relationship satisfaction and peace of mind.

Here, then, are a few one-liners you’d do well to avoid: 

“That’s not what’s happening here!” This is just one of many versions of the line: “I’m right and you’re wrong!” And whether you say it or just think it, the only thing “You’re wrong!” creates is a lose-lose situation. 

“You always…” or “You never…” Starting a sentence with either two-word phrase is guaranteed to raise temperatures. How about stating instead that the other person does XYZ “more times than feels good.” Rather than, “You never listen to me,” try something like this: “When you respond that way, I get the sense that you’re not understanding me in the way I’d like you to.” 

“You really know how to hurt me.” This line assumes that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt you. It also implies that someone other than yourself has power over what you feel. It places you in the role of emotional “victim.” But you can choose whether or not to be hurt by someone’s actions.

“How can you be that way?” This isn’t really a question. It’s an aggressive statement something to the effect of, “You’re a terrible person, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

Of course, these are mild, compared to the even more hurtful words we can come up with in the heat of an argument. But for love to flourish and deepen, for healthy and long-lasting relationships, we need to learn how to incorporate acceptance, self-understanding, compassion and tolerance into our conflicts. And maybe one-liners like, “I love you!”

We keep arguing because we think we are right or we have to defend ourselves even if we were wrong; but there is a deeper meaning: we argue because we care about this particular subject matter. I used to argue with James a lot about parenting issues. To change, I need to have more awareness, knowledge, and skills, and I need to be intentional. How about you? What kind of improvements do you need?

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:19-20)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Workshops at BASS Convention 2017

Some of you are wondering why I am not presenting any workshop at BASS this year. One reason is I wanted to take a break after teaching every year since 2006; but the most important reason is that my husband James will be presenting four workshops this year. So I wanted to be there to listen to him and support him the way he has been supporting me all these years, although I think he still will be his own tech guy!

As you know, I became a Christian in January, 1989 and my changed life caught James by surprise. In order to make sure I was not involved in a cult, James started his own investigation by studying the Bible. And as the saying goes, "The rest is history."

If you wonder how two strong-willed high tech professionals could change and become ONE team as husband and wife (and as parents, grandparents and co-workers in ministries), come and find out how reading and applying the Bible could really change lives by the truth and grace of God.

Here are the line up for four workshops to be presented by Rev. James Chiang. Beware that two will be in English on Friday (Christian Ed track), and two in Mandarin (Asian track) on Saturday. See you there!

Reading Between the Lines: Sharpen Your Bible Interpretation Skills (English)
Friday, March 3, 2017 - 9:00-10:15 AM Room: N11

Reading between the lines will help track the author's train of thought. Why should we capture the train of thought of a Biblical author? An author will develop the points of his writing by leaving clues. Capturing the author's thought process from the clues left for us goes a long way for us to go after God's own heart. This workshop, “Reading between the lines”, introduces a simple method to uncover the biblical author’s train of thought by asking the right questions from the context of the Scripture.

Discovering the Value Gap: Applying Scripture (English)
Friday, March 3, 2017 - 1:30-2:45 PM Room: N11

We all have preconceived notions, and our value system supports and reinforces these notions. Just by understanding the Bible alone will not change our default thinking, unless we could discern the gap between our value system and God's. This workshop helps the Bible reader to discern the gap, thus guiding the reader in personal transformation, in order to acquire the mind of Christ by the renewing of the mind.

Reading Between the Lines: Sharpen Your Bible Interpretation Skills (Mandarin)
《話中有話》︰釋經之銳煉
Saturday, March 4, 2017 - 8:00-9:15 AM Room: N10
研討會將有助於呈現聖經作者的思路。我們為什麼要掌握聖經作者的思路呢？因為這有助於了解神的心意。有時經文的要點並不那麼明顯。為了要捕捉作者的思維，我們有時必須由留在字裡行間的線索來搜尋。本次研討會將介紹一種簡單的方法，從聖經的上文下理找出正確的問題。問出正確的問題可以幫助我們發現聖經作者本來的思路。《話中有話》研討會將以普通話進行。

Discovering the Value Gap: Applying Scripture (Mandarin)
《破舊立新》︰經文的應用
Saturday, March 4, 2017 - 12:45-2:00 PM Room: N10
我們都有先入為主的觀念。這些觀念來自於我們的價值觀，以至根深蒂固。單靠理解聖經很難改變我們先入為主的觀念，除非我們能夠看出我們的價值觀和神心意之間的差距。 《破舊立新》研討會能幫助聖經讀者認清差距，從而導致心意更新而變化，以得著基督的心。 本研討會將以普通話進行。

The Word of God is powerful. Reading His Word and praying establish two-way communication between our God and us. James and I both have come a long way. I am amazed how much I have enjoyed studying the Bible with James and talking about real-life issues that matter to each of us. I pray that these workshops would be helpful to you and other brothers and sisters in your faith community. Looking forward to seeing you at BASS 2017.

You could find out more about BASS 2017 at bassconvention.org

Come Sit Awhile with Me

One day my husband had to leave the house before 6:40 a.m. for an all-day meeting. Knowing James prefer oatmeal than donuts, I got up to fix breakfast. While cooking, lots of thoughts went through my mind.

Just oatmeal. I'm sleepy. Scrambled eggs? James would love that. Tired. May be I will go back to bed once he starts eating. Oh, asparagus that I already washed on Sunday ... It would be good to just sit with him for awhile.

James obviously enjoyed his breakfast. Suddenly, he looked up and said, "Thanks for getting up early and fixing breakfast. I so appreciate you eating with me. Do you know that in the song You Raise Me Up, the phrase 'Come and Sit Awhile with Me' always moves me? It means so much that you sit with me, even just for 15 minutes. I know you are tired."

My eyes got moist. "Thanks. I was tired. Part of me did not want to get up. Part of me just wanted to get breakfast done and go back to sleep. I wasn't ready to eat. But I wanted to sit awhile with you. Now you are telling me the same thing. Come Sit Awhile with me. I actually thought about that."

"Glad to hear. Now I can see that every week when we just sit, talk, sing or walk with Mom, we are giving her a gift."

Human beings yearn for belonging and connection. Every person needs a friend who would listen, or sit, fish, or play basketball with. Caring is not just feeling sorry for someone when bad things happen. Caring is not just doing things for family members out of duty. As followers of Christ, we can learn how to joyously help people by being there. CARE requires being Compassionate, Accepting, Respectful, and Empathetic. As followers of Christ, we already have a new life. With the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, we can all become encouraging helpers, like brother Barnabas, by the grace of God.

Parenting in a Different Culture

"Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise— that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth" (Ephesians 6:2-3).

I love both my Mom and Dad although emotionally I always felt closer connected with my Mom. Like all parents, they had their ups and downs in life, and it was their broken relationship that affected me the most.

As a young girl, I heard about how Dad had a mistress who gave birth to a son (my half-brother) when I was only one year old. I was told that my grandmother told Dad, "Two girls in a row? You'd better go elsewhere to have a son," right after I was born. Since Mom wanted to give my older sister and me a good life, she eventually accepted my Dad's concubine.

There were pictures of me wearing boy's clothing before I started school. Feeling insignificant as a girl, I tried very hard to be better than boys academically, athletically, and socially. I wanted to please my dad and grandmother, and to honor my mom.

After their marital storm, my parents tried to live a normal life – as normal as it could be living with my grandmother. Being number 8 among ten children, my dad and us lived with grandmother's five youngest children (#6-10) and their families in her big house in Happy Valley, Hong Kong. Grandmother had two cooks. We used to eat dinner around four to five big round tables everyday. Since Dad's concubine lived in Kowloon, Dad only came home four nights a week.

On top of all this complexity, tragedy struck. When my half-brother was ten, he was run over and killed by his school bus. Dad was deeply saddened and guilt-stricken. Ironically, about one year before that fatal accident, my mom gave birth to my younger brother. After trying for nine years, Mom finally had a son of her own when I was almost 10. I cried when I first read the story of Abraham, Sarah and Hagar. Sadly, our mom passed away at age 48 when my brother was in his early teen. Dad felt guilty to both sides of his family but never really talked much about it.

The Essential Father

Last Sunday morning, the deadliest shooting massacre in U.S. History happened in Orlando, Florida. At least 49 people were killed and more than 53 were injured. Like many people, I felt shocked and sad. I grieved for the victims and their families and friends, and worried about the effect on the general public.

The gunman was a 29-years-old husband and the father of a young child. Was he a lone-wolf home-grown terrorist? Investigations are digging up more and more things that seem confusing, conflicting, alarming, and troublesome. I cannot help but to follow some of the stories about his upbringings, his father, his ex-wife, his wife, his job, and his targets ... what people said ... and my head was spinning.

Who really was this guy? How can God let this kind of bad things happen?

I don't have the answer but this I know: If not for the mercy and grace of God, things could be much worse.

How can we live with so many bad news in a Fallen world?

I thought about what Jesus said. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Father's Day is coming soon. I want to appreciate dads who are trying their best to be involved in the lives of their children. Even if you are learning as you go, your participation and involvement count. Don't ever underestimate your role.

Try New Ways to Communicate with Your Child

Parents are unique and so are their children. But there are common areas of concerns that parents can do something about. One of such areas is communication.

You probably have heard the saying that “Nobody cares about what you say unless they know you care.”

Parents who love their kids are devastated when preteens and teenagers yelled, “You don’t care!”

If you frequently get that comments from your child, no matter how old they are, pause, take a deep breath, and take some time to reflect on what is going on.  You love your child but how come she or he does not get it?

Does it surprise you that many children and teenagers complain about parents nagging them, being angry and critical of them, not listening to them, or not trusting them? If you have the tendency of reasoning with them but getting nowhere, and if you fear that your relationship is going down the drain, restore your hope by checking whether you could communicate better.

The Bible says, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).

Mignon McLaughlin, journalist once said, "We hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that, and remember only half of that."

When our minds are distracted (e.g. "hey, what is there for lunch?") or we are preparing for a comeback (e.g. "no no no, you get it wrong!"), we are at best half listening. Even worse, we interrupt the other person in mid sentence. In frustration, they interrupt us back hoping their points can be understood. And the vicious cycle continues.

The four-sides communication model by Friedemann Schulz von Thun reminds us that every message has four sides (e.g. facets and aspects): fact, self-revealing, relationship, and appeal.

Mom and Dad, Please Listen to Me!

Hey Mom and Dad,

I hate to admit, but you may call me a person with “a fierce demeanor but faint of heart.” Sure, I’d like to be cool, but I do care about you! As a teenager whose parents are going through midlife crisis, I have a lot to learn, but so do you!

1. Please remember this period of my “rebellion” is my time of searching for identity. I am learning to express my feelings and thoughts, not trying to sing a different tune. Don’t forget that I have to live independently and face the world by myself in a few years.

2. Whether you intend to encourage or discipline me, please be patient and treat me with kindness. I don’t need you to stay with me all the time, but I still hope that you would spend more time to understand me.

3. Trust me! By doing so, you empower me with love because I need your compassion, acceptance, respect and empathy. I need to know that as I grow, you are more at ease with me and are willing to let go.

4. Please don’t be angry with me for too long and don’t limit my freedom too much. You have your jobs, your hobbies, and your friends, but you are the only dad (or mom) I have.

5. Please talk with me without lecturing me, and listen to me with full attention. Even when we don’t understand each other, I will still feel your willingness to spend time to understand me, accept me, honestly address my doubts, and talk about sensitive subjects with me.

6. I will forever remember how you treat me and pray for me.

7. Before you curse or even hit me, please remember that I have enough strength to revenge even though I may choose not to.

8. Before you scold me and call me disobedient, uncooperative, stubborn, or lazy, please try to figure out whether something else is bothering me. I could be all stressed out due to peer pressure! May be I am not receiving the affirmation, acceptance, encouragement and care I need. I could be too tired, haven’t taken any break for quite some time due to homework and extra curriculum activities. My heart could have grown stiff because of growing pains and fears. Of course, sometimes I don’t know how to express myself or am affected by hormonal change.

9. Instead of rejecting me when I make mistakes, please understand, accept, and support me. Haven’t you experienced failures too? Please don’t deny your mistakes and failures. Your integrity and courage to change are my best examples.

10. As I am struggling through this difficult process of becoming an adult, I have to face setbacks and defeats. Your love for me will make it easier for me to face these teenage storms. Don’t ever forget that I love you, and that you have promised to love me all your life.

This article was published in Chinese by Family Keepers in April 2010.

Coping with a Loved One's Mental Illness

Last Saturday, I heard the testimony of a father whose teenage son committed suicide in early 2015 after suffering clinical depression. He was in Taiwan on a business trip when his wife called and said their son was unstable. He flew back and saw his son. But on the following day, the 17 years old killed himself at home.

This was a case that the parents did not see the tragedy coming. Their son seemed happy, did well in school, had friends, and was involved in many activities. You could imagine the questions the dad asked himself and God. Questions such as

(1) Where did my son go since he stopped going to church in high school?
(2) Why do so many people with depression attempt suicide?
(3) How to look at a life that ended short?
(4) What's really important in life?
(5) What could parents do differently while they still have time?

Having comforted by God through his grief and loss, this father stood in front of hundreds to share his testimony, hoping to raise awareness of clinical depression which is a real sickness and an unseen killer. He described depression like a balloon losing air. The life force was let out. A person suffering depression is often tormented by repeated negative and destructive thoughts. In this day and age, through the Internet, everyone is constantly exposed to and bombarded by information which might induce negative thoughts about oneself, the world, and our future every day!

Witnessing the suffering of a loved one can be one of the most difficult situations we face. Among other things, we may feel powerless, frustrated and frightened. That’s true whether the suffering originates from a physical illness or injury, addiction or self-destructive activity.

When a loved one suffers a debilitating, persistent and chronic mental illness, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, those feelings can be compounded. Strange, unpredictable behaviors can be terrifying and confusing. Your loved one may suddenly rage at you with blame or be utterly dependent upon you for basic needs and emotional stability.

You may experience many confusing emotions yourself, including anger, grief, guilt, fear and sadness. As you struggle with each episode of illness and worry about the future, you may feel anxious and overwhelmed.

Unfortunately, since serious mental illness still carries a stigma, you may be keeping it a secret, resulting in increased isolation, frustration and difficulty because you may have no one to talk to about your feelings or no way to get information and support.

Cultivating A Family Attitude Of Gratitude

November 24, 2015

"Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts." (Colossians 3:16)

Are you aware that people cannot be angry and grateful at the same time? What other benefits could an attitude of gratitude bring? Here are some new ideas for helping the whole family learn such attitude.

Raising Compassionate Kids

June 9, 2015

How are you spending time with your (grand-) kids, nephews, nieces, and students in your life?

Summer is here. It breaks the routines of many families. If you are a parent, or in charge of any young person, this is a good time to change the direction of where you are going.

Is there anything you wish you have done differently? It is never too late to start. Today is the tomorrow of yesterday! How about take a moment to review your goals of parenting and caring?