The Lord Gives Peace

"People have sorrow and joy; they part and meet again and again. The moon dims or shines; it waxes and wanes again and again." This quote by Su Dongpo reminds us the reality of life. On this day of the Autumn Moon Festival, I would like to share a real life experience many years ago.

Four days after the 911 terrorist attack in 2001, my husband James and I drove our son to college. We stayed at a friend's house on the way so that we could arrive at the campus early. Unexpectedly, there was already a long line of cars waiting for the "freshmen move-in" service provided by upperclassmen and we had to line up a few blocks away. Fortunately, the college juniors and seniors were strong, and the line moved fast. When our van reached the front of the line after two hours, some muscled guys unloaded all of our son’s belongings and placed them into huge canvas containers with wheels. With ease, they rolled the containers through winding pathways connecting different buildings. Before we knew it, our son's belongings arrived the upstairs suite where he would live for one year with five other guys.

I was relieved watching how our son took initiative to greet people and strike up conversations. We met a young man who was helping his younger brother to move in. When he noticed the cross on the homemade necklace our son was wearing, he asked, "Are you a Christian?" The two of them became friends and quickly exchanged phone numbers.

With lightning speed, our teenager set up his PC and made sure everything worked. While I was making his extra long bed, he and James took turn checking their e-mails. Sitting in front of his desk in his single room, our son put his hands behind his head, looked out the window, and proclaimed, "This place is like a palace."

Not wasting a moment, James said, "Time to go."

Caught by surprise, I uttered, "Let's check out the bookstore and help him buy his books." 

Suppressing my feelings, I stopped by different attractions to take pictures, trying to appreciate the beautiful campus while we walked. But how I wanted to linger on!

I could not believe how fast our son found all his text books and paid for them with his credit card. I was proud of him but also felt regretful. Has my boy really grown up?

As soon as we left the bookstore, James said again, "Time to go."

I almost collapsed but still pretended to be calm. I glanced at my watch. "Hey, it's almost noon, let's have lunch. We can stay a couple more hours." They did not object, but we were all very quiet on the way to the cafeteria.

As we walked, I asked myself, "Why are they so eager to separate? My friends said their daughters were reluctant to let their parents go home. Doesn't my son love me anymore? Why doesn't my husband support me?"

Suddenly, I thought about 911 and the news that there might be more terrorist attacks. I have mixed feelings and thoughts. After I came to the United States for college, I never saw my mom again because she died of heart failure two years later at age 48. Mom had never seen her son-in-law and grandson. What if ... Thinking about all these things, I can’t help but feel sadder and sadder.

Waiting in line for food in the dining hall, my son suddenly asked: "Mom, are those tears in your eyes?"

I could not stop my tears when I poured out my heart. I was feeling angry, disappointed, sad, anxious, afraid, ... They both nodded as they listened. Thank God that they listened, understood, and accepted me! As it turned out, they also felt the sadness of separation. And that's why they longed for a quick departure to fix the pain!

After lunch I suggested, "Let's take more pictures on campus. Mom will be on her way in a couple of hours." They burst into laughter at my delay tactic. Two hours later, James took our final photo with our almost six-foot tall son wrapping his arm around my shoulders. The tears in my eyes and the smile on my face is the proof of my bittersweet experience.

When we arrived home late at night, an email was waiting for us: "Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for taking me to school. I am fine so don't worry. My new friend today will pick me up for church. Good night. Love you."

Jesus told His disciples, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Mom's Unconditional Love in Action

Thank you for praying for me and my family. I am back in the Bay Area after visiting my son's family. Here is a photo of my newest bundle of joy soon after I arrived their home.

On this Mother's Day, I wanted to remember my mother's unconditional love. A similar article written in Chinese will be sent separately in a short while. 

It was August, 1973. The day before I left Hong Kong for college in California, my mom insisted on ironing all my shirts by herself (even though our family had a maid).

Suddenly Mom cried, "Oh no!"

I rushed in, saw what happened, and yelled, "Why did you do that?"

I walked away to conceal my disappointment -- my favorite blouse was ruined! Then I felt really guilty yelling at Mom. Why did I do that?

I was sitting there dejected when her gentle voice called, "Your blouse is okay. Look..." She had cut the burnt tip off and made both pointed collars curved!

The next day we hugged and bid farewell. Two years later, she died of heart failure while I was still in college. Yet her love lives in me and sustains me. I treasure our last family photo taken a few months before I left Hong Kong with me standing next to Mom. Who could imagine I would never see her again after coming to California?

How do I know my mom loved me? That day when I yelled at her, somehow she knew I was anxious about going to the United States and she forgave me for taking things out on her. Her love helped me years later to understand the greater love of Christ. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).

Happy Mother's Day!

Saying "I Love You" with Words and Actions

Valentine's Day is the perfect time to say "I love you." Those are not just three little words. Imagine how you would feel if your parents were or are saying those words to you now.

According to widely referenced statistics by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, known for his pioneering work in nonverbal communication, only 7% of communication happens through a person's actual words. Does it surprise you that a complete message include the spoken words (7%), tone of voice (38%) and body language (55%)?

The saying, "Words are cheap, action speaks," is never more true than when applied to "I love you." If the actions aren't there to back up the loving words, it all means nothing. Below are 10 of the best ways to say "I love you" in your actions. But there are thousands more. See how creative you can get in coming up with your own ideas.

1. Greet your loved ones with a big smile, a hug and a kiss.

2. Really listen to what your loved ones are saying; give them your undivided attention.

3. Support each other through tough times.

4. Do simple (even random) acts of kindness, such as massaging shoulders or feet, cooking a favorite meal, running a bath.

5. Spend one-on-one time with your loved ones, with no particular agenda.

6. Commit to truly accepting each other's faults and weaknesses.

7. Come home on time. If you have to be late, call to let them know!

8. Say what you mean. If you say you'll do something, do it, and by the time you said you'd do it.

9. Take responsibility for your part in any conflict, and then look at how you can do better next time. Step out of the blame game.

10. Share yourself and what lives deeply inside of you. This is a precious gift and conveys trust and security.

Don't let traditions, culture and old habits block you and your family from experiencing love, joy and peace. Make it your habit to show someone you care. Let your love flow out from your heart.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a ESV)

Life is short. You don't have to be perfect. Just start a new day by saying "I love you!"

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Turning Relational Conflicts into Blessings and Holding Hands

James and I are celebrating our 43rd anniversary this month! We have come a long way, considering the fact that we got married after only three months of dating.

It was Spring 1975 at Cal (U.C. Berkeley). I was a college student from Hong Kong and James was in graduate school. We met in a digital design class in EECS (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science).

Dating was easy. Long before we heard of the 5 Love Languages from Gary Chapman, we were filling each other’s love tank effortlessly. James spent plenty of “Quality Time” with me; and I appreciated his words and actions with many “Words of Affirmations.” Loving one another, we did not have to argue or defend ourselves.

It did not even matter that we had to communicate in English instead of his Mandarin or my Cantonese. Somehow the pressure, stress and loneliness we previously felt in a foreign land all faded away.

A month or so after seeing each other almost every day, James proposed on the phone.

"If everything turns out fine, I would like to marry you."

"But I don't know how to cook!"

“No problem. We can eat out every day.”

I expected to live happily ever after. Therefore, I was disillusioned and hurt when James asked why I squeezed his toothpaste the wrong way – from the middle of the tube. Things went downhill and our honeymoon was over before long.

But there is hope in Christ! As written in the feature article this month, there are ways to “Turn Relational Conflicts into Blessings” when couples are willing to handle conflicts constructively.

Fast forward to earlier this week, we walked up the hills together, hand in hand, to celebrate life.

The Chinese article “Holding Hands” (中文文章 - 牽手) is our love story.

I will never forget my first impression of his parents when we met for dinner in San Francisco Chinatown. His mom and dad were over fifty years old, but they were still holding hands and talking with each other while walking towards their 4 children and me. It was right then and there that I knew I wanted a love just like that!

Marriage is not easy. James and I have gone through many ups and downs. Thank God that we are still talking, holding hands, and walking together. What a journey we have traveled as a couple, parents, grandparents, and co-laborers in Christ in spite of our differences. Glory to God!

You may read the July 27th 2018 Newsletter by clicking HERE.

結婚週年快樂 Happy Anniversary James!

Joy and Peace to you,

Winnis Chiang

winnis@parentingabc.com

Life Stages and a Love that Reconciles

December 31, 2017 marked the transition into a new phase for our family. James’ mom (age 95) was moved into her daughter’s place. Thank God for my sister-in-law and her husband who remodeled and “senior proof” their basement apartment with an outside entrance. Now mom does not have to climb stairs to her 3rd-floor flat.  

That transition allowed James and me the freedom to participate in a vision trip to South Korea with other ethnic ministry leaders in early April. One place we visited was near the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) near the 38th parallel, the line dividing North and South Korea. Imagine praying with a group from all nations for the then upcoming summit between the North and South Korea leaders.

Here is a photo taken by Resonate Global Mission of the Christian Reformed Church of North America (CRCNA).

As explored in the feature article "Life Stages" this month, life goes through stages but we could still grow by getting out of our comfort zone at any age!

I'm grateful for both my mother-in-law and my own mother. Although my mommy passed away in 1975 at age 48, I still remember her love. You may read about "Love that Reconciles" written in Chinese (中文文章 - 主動和解的愛). Let’s bless others with the love of Christ! 

You may read the May 9th 2018 Newsletter by clicking HERE.

母親節快樂!  Happy Mother’s Day! 

Joy and Peace to you,

Winnis Chiang

winnis@parentingabc.com

English-Chinese version of Say It! Hear It! Communication Report is Here

Does your family have people who speak, read and write different languages? In my extended family, we have people born in China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japan, Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, the UK and of course the United States. Our Asian American family is multi-lingual and multi-cultural, but we can read English or Chinese and learn together! How about yours?

Last year I first published a special report titled Say it! Hear it! The Power of Effective Communication written in English. By popular requests, I published a Chinese version. It turns out some of you wanted to read the report with your loved ones. So I decided to provide a 2-column report with English and Chinese printed side by side on each topic.

As a special gift, here is an ENGLISH-CHINESE version of Say it! Hear it! The Power of Effective Communication. I hope you will find it useful as a tool to improve communication in your family!

Learning and practicing effective 2-way communication will change family dynamics:

• Getting along instead of having constant conflicts
• Enjoying conversations that promote understanding and support
• Closing the cultural, gender and generational gaps
• Building an emotionally healthy family

When one person is courageous enough to start changing, the system will change. I know because that's how my family and the families of my clients got changed. It has to start with one person, and having two persons learning together will be amazing!

Just click on the link below that says "Click HERE to download ..."

If you don't have communication problem with anyone, congratulations!

Feel free to forward this entire e-mail to your Chinese and/or English speaking friend or family member who might find this report helpful.

Click HERE to download the ENGLISH-CHINESE version of Say It! Hear It! now

Happy Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year!

Winnis Chiang
winnis@parentingabc.com

As a Result of Effective Communication

After integrating and practicing the communication tips I have been sharing with you, you will experience the peace and joy of:

• Changing failed communication patterns so nobody (including you!) feels hurt or left out.
• Connecting with each other to create an atmosphere of getting along instead of constant conflict.
• Giving others the confidence that you are a caring person, so they say "yes" to talking with you in spite of cultural, gender, generational and other differences.
• Integrating essential communication elements to create ongoing understanding, trust and mutual support to face challenges through different stages of life.
• Building an emotionally healthy family even though you don't have such experience growing up.

Unless you intentionally break your destructive cycle, you will be stuck in the same old repeated patterns. Think of yourself as a thermostat, NOT a thermometer. If you want, you could change the atmosphere in your home!

Not making the change will cost you physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually when your family is stuck in the same old unhealthy pattern. That's not the way to live.

I know these struggles because I was there. Years ago, NOT knowing how to have constructive communication was damaging my marriage, parenting, and my life. Even though I looked successful from the outside, I felt miserable, hopeless and helpless inside!

Changes take courage and work and a lot of grace from God.

If you missed or never received the special communication report that was sent out in August, go here to download your f.r.e.e. gift - Say It! Hear It!

Love, Joy and Peace to you!

A Communication Pitfall You Want to Avoid

Have you ever had someone said, "Forget it! You are not listening!" and then walked out on you?

One of the common pitfalls someone might experience while trying to improve communication is listening passively instead of actively, or at least giving that impression.

How to avoid that?

Good communication is a two way street: speaking and listening. Listening is such a large part of effective communication because everyone loves to be heard and be understood.

That's why a effective communicator is the person who seeks to understand before seeking to be understood.

Listening doesn't mean just keeping quiet. To be an effective listener requires certain behaviors and attitudes. Listening is an action word. Find out how well you listen actively.

1. Listening means paying attention. When I listen to someone, I focus my attention on the speaker. I look directly at him or her, and concentrate on hearing what he or she is saying.

2. Listening means accepting what the other person says. When I listen to someone, I withhold judgment and accept what he/she is saying "as is". I acknowledge what the person is saying without labeling it right or wrong, good or bad, true or false.

3. Listening means being interested in what the other person says. When I listen to someone, I invite the speaker to give his/her opinion, say what's on his/her mind, or say how he/she feels about the topic or issue.

4. Listening means confirming and clarifying what I believe I heard. When I listen to someone, I ask specific questions such as "What I heard you say is ... is that right?" or "I think I understand what you said, but will you elaborate on ...?" or "When you say ..., do you mean...?

5. Listening means being empathetic. When I listen to someone and I begin to feel defensive or impatient or angry, I try to put myself in the other person's shoes and appreciate what he/she might be going through.

6. Listening means being involved. When I listen to someone, I respond actively by nodding, making interjections and asking caring questions such as "How do you feel about that?" or "What would you have liked to do or say?"

7. Listening means letting go of control. When I listen to someone, I don't always jump right in with a solution, or try to fix things, or have to say the "right" thing.

8. Listening means not judging the speaker. When I listen to someone, I really try to not get hung up on the delivery, even if it's awkward, hesitant or garbled, or if his/her voice or speech mannerisms are irritating.

9. Listening means withholding any rebuttal until the speaker is finished. When I listen to someone, I listen to the entire message before I mentally begin my rebuttal, defense, argument or denial. Then, I wait a beat or two before I begin speaking to make sure I've let the speaker finish, and I am focused in my response.

10. Listening means paying attention to the whole message. When I listen to someone, I also pay attention to their non-verbal messages —facial expressions, gestures, eyes, tone of voice, even posture, because I understand these can contradict or confirm the words that are spoken.

11. Listening means being present. Sometimes I'm unable to give my full attention to someone. When this is the case, I let the person know by saying something like, "Now's not a good time for me to talk about this, can we discuss it later?" then agree to a specific time to have the discussion.

Remember, just because we're born with ears, doesn't mean we start off life as good listeners. Becoming a good listener is a skill we learn, and like other skills, it takes practice to get better. Being a good listener is also a gift we can give to other people. Letting someone know he/she has really been heard is one of the best things we can do for each other.

Without listening, there is no communication. It takes two to tango. Who wants to listen first?

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:19-20)

It's Here, the Solution to Sending the Wrong Message without Knowing It!

I hope you liked your free Say it! Hear it! report and it has helped you start improving your relationships.

Here are some of the common questions that many of my clients have with the tip on "5 Ways to Use Non-verbal Communication More Effectively" when you are trying to send a message to someone.

(1) Question: "How could my tone of voice and body language contribute more to the effectiveness than the words I say? It does not make any sense!"

Response: You are right. Your words are important. However, there will be a problem when your words say one thing but your posture or gestures or tone say something different. Can you think of someone who makes a statement without saying a word? How about these examples? What message is the person communicating?

(a) a child hiding in the closet when dinner guests arrive his home,
(b) a teenager rolling her eyes when being lectured by her dad,
(c) a visiting grandfather from China greeting people in United States with smiles and nods, or
(d) a mother holding her fists and yelling "OF COURSE I LOVE YOU!!!" to her child.

(2) Question: "I was taught to stick with the facts and be clear about what I want. Why do I have to pay attention to my emotions in a conversation?"

Response: What you said might work in some business situations when staying calm, cool and collected is highly valued. However, while in relationships, most people need to know, like and trust you before they could have deep sharing and meaningful conversation with you. Healthy and productive communication means two people can openly share how they are feeling, what they are thinking, and the needs they have. If you were upset but did not express your feelings, the other person might not feel safe enough to continue the conversation. It's just human nature.

Emotions are often times hard to hide. When emotions take over, the other person will pay attention to your emotions instead of what you are really saying. They might try to calm you down or get out of there. Then communication breaks down, you think they don't care, and miscommunication happen.

Knowing your own emotions and sharing it verbally is one of the best ways to connect with someone at a deeper level as long as you are not blaming them. If necessary, take a few deep breaths, count backward from 10 to 1 (it really works!) or take a time out if necessary.

(3) Question: "My husband and children keep accusing me of yelling all the time, but I wasn't! Sometimes I just have to raise my voice to make sure they hear what is important. I feel discouraged. How do I change their minds about me?"

Response: Everyone has different needs. If someone says you are talking too loud or too fast, they are saying it's too loud or too fast for them. If you want them to hear you, listen to them. It's hard to change a habit, especially if that's something your family did when you were growing up. I understand your disappointment, but arguing or reasoning would only look like defending yourself. Try to say things in different ways and adjust your tone of voice as an experiment. Don't be surprised when you catch someone's attention by your whisper.

Why Say it! Hear it! Communication works for parenting and relational challenges

Relationship problems is one of the biggest problems of our time for people who feels isolated, frustrated, ignored or rejected. We recently shared in our special communication report some tips on how to communicate for understanding and deeper connection.

But does this REALLY work?

Let’s take Tom and Mary (not their real names) for example.

Mary came from Taiwan and Tom was from Hong Kong. They are high-tech professionals raising two American Born Chinese children in the Silicon Valley. They approached parenting differently. When Tom rationalized things, Mary got mad. When she attacked and blamed, he retreated and withdrew. Their interaction spiraled downward with negative thoughts, actions and words. They both felt stuck. Here’s what Mary said about our services when she finally sought help.

"I felt better after talking to my counselor. I was reassured that our family dynamic was not uncommon. I felt relieved that I was not alone. When I felt understood and accepted, I started to calm down and examine my role in re-enforcing our negative cycle. Instead of fighting, I started listening, and that drew Tom to open up with his feelings and needs, not just sharing his opinions. We became close again. Working as a parenting team, we have learned to provide an emotionally healthy environment for our children to grow up."

As you can see, Parenting ABC worked for Tom and Mary, hundreds of others, and will work for you too. This is why we are frequently invited to speak and lead workshops and seminars at churches, retreats, conferences and conventions!

If you’re struggling with parenting or other relational issues, and you’re looking for the right solution, click here now to schedule a consultation.

How to Get Along with, Enjoy, and Influence People You Love?

I’ve prepared a special report on communication called Say it! Hear it! The Power of Effective Communication. In the report, I want to show you how you can improve interactions in your family.

Click here to get along with those you love now 

You see, most people who struggle with parenting and other relationship issues try all the wrong approaches to talk things out and just get more and more frustrated. But in this special report, I’m going to show you exactly how to rid yourself from hurtful destructive patterns once and for all.

You see, most people who struggle with parenting or other relationship issues, try all the wrong approaches to talk things out and just get more and more frustrated. But in this special report, I’m going to show you exactly how to rid yourself from hurtful destructive communication patterns once and for all. 

Click here to get along with those you love now 

Effective 2-way communication will give you these benefits:

• Getting along instead of having constant conflicts 
• Enjoying conversations that promote understanding and support
• Closing the cultural, gender and generational gaps
• Building an emotionally healthy family

Click here to enjoy your family once again now 

One-Liners to Avoid in an Argument

They slice and dice, cutting wounds not easily healed by pacifying words.

They inflame like a lit match near gasoline.

They suck the life out of all that they touch. 

They’re the zingers we fling at each other during arguments, the cruel and aggressive wisecracks or retorts that escalate a fight like nothing else. And when the zingers begin to outnumber the kind words spoken to each other, it may be too late to fix the relationship because the love has dried up and blown away.

Learning how to communicate well in a conflict—how to argue without hurting and insulting each other—is possibly the most important relationship survival skill ever. Doing so reduces divorce and domestic violence rates—and increases personal happiness, relationship satisfaction and peace of mind.

Here, then, are a few one-liners you’d do well to avoid: 

“That’s not what’s happening here!” This is just one of many versions of the line: “I’m right and you’re wrong!” And whether you say it or just think it, the only thing “You’re wrong!” creates is a lose-lose situation. 

“You always…” or “You never…” Starting a sentence with either two-word phrase is guaranteed to raise temperatures. How about stating instead that the other person does XYZ “more times than feels good.” Rather than, “You never listen to me,” try something like this: “When you respond that way, I get the sense that you’re not understanding me in the way I’d like you to.” 

“You really know how to hurt me.” This line assumes that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt you. It also implies that someone other than yourself has power over what you feel. It places you in the role of emotional “victim.” But you can choose whether or not to be hurt by someone’s actions.

“How can you be that way?” This isn’t really a question. It’s an aggressive statement something to the effect of, “You’re a terrible person, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

Of course, these are mild, compared to the even more hurtful words we can come up with in the heat of an argument. But for love to flourish and deepen, for healthy and long-lasting relationships, we need to learn how to incorporate acceptance, self-understanding, compassion and tolerance into our conflicts. And maybe one-liners like, “I love you!”

We keep arguing because we think we are right or we have to defend ourselves even if we were wrong; but there is a deeper meaning: we argue because we care about this particular subject matter. I used to argue with James a lot about parenting issues. To change, I need to have more awareness, knowledge, and skills, and I need to be intentional. How about you? What kind of improvements do you need?

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:19-20)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Workshops at BASS Convention 2017

Some of you are wondering why I am not presenting any workshop at BASS this year. One reason is I wanted to take a break after teaching every year since 2006; but the most important reason is that my husband James will be presenting four workshops this year. So I wanted to be there to listen to him and support him the way he has been supporting me all these years, although I think he still will be his own tech guy!

As you know, I became a Christian in January, 1989 and my changed life caught James by surprise. In order to make sure I was not involved in a cult, James started his own investigation by studying the Bible. And as the saying goes, "The rest is history."

If you wonder how two strong-willed high tech professionals could change and become ONE team as husband and wife (and as parents, grandparents and co-workers in ministries), come and find out how reading and applying the Bible could really change lives by the truth and grace of God.

Here are the line up for four workshops to be presented by Rev. James Chiang. Beware that two will be in English on Friday (Christian Ed track), and two in Mandarin (Asian track) on Saturday. See you there!

Reading Between the Lines: Sharpen Your Bible Interpretation Skills (English)
Friday, March 3, 2017 - 9:00-10:15 AM Room: N11

Reading between the lines will help track the author's train of thought. Why should we capture the train of thought of a Biblical author? An author will develop the points of his writing by leaving clues. Capturing the author's thought process from the clues left for us goes a long way for us to go after God's own heart. This workshop, “Reading between the lines”, introduces a simple method to uncover the biblical author’s train of thought by asking the right questions from the context of the Scripture.

Discovering the Value Gap: Applying Scripture (English)
Friday, March 3, 2017 - 1:30-2:45 PM Room: N11

We all have preconceived notions, and our value system supports and reinforces these notions. Just by understanding the Bible alone will not change our default thinking, unless we could discern the gap between our value system and God's. This workshop helps the Bible reader to discern the gap, thus guiding the reader in personal transformation, in order to acquire the mind of Christ by the renewing of the mind.

Reading Between the Lines: Sharpen Your Bible Interpretation Skills (Mandarin)
《話中有話》︰釋經之銳煉
Saturday, March 4, 2017 - 8:00-9:15 AM Room: N10
研討會將有助於呈現聖經作者的思路。我們為什麼要掌握聖經作者的思路呢？因為這有助於了解神的心意。有時經文的要點並不那麼明顯。為了要捕捉作者的思維，我們有時必須由留在字裡行間的線索來搜尋。本次研討會將介紹一種簡單的方法，從聖經的上文下理找出正確的問題。問出正確的問題可以幫助我們發現聖經作者本來的思路。《話中有話》研討會將以普通話進行。

Discovering the Value Gap: Applying Scripture (Mandarin)
《破舊立新》︰經文的應用
Saturday, March 4, 2017 - 12:45-2:00 PM Room: N10
我們都有先入為主的觀念。這些觀念來自於我們的價值觀，以至根深蒂固。單靠理解聖經很難改變我們先入為主的觀念，除非我們能夠看出我們的價值觀和神心意之間的差距。 《破舊立新》研討會能幫助聖經讀者認清差距，從而導致心意更新而變化，以得著基督的心。 本研討會將以普通話進行。

The Word of God is powerful. Reading His Word and praying establish two-way communication between our God and us. James and I both have come a long way. I am amazed how much I have enjoyed studying the Bible with James and talking about real-life issues that matter to each of us. I pray that these workshops would be helpful to you and other brothers and sisters in your faith community. Looking forward to seeing you at BASS 2017.

You could find out more about BASS 2017 at bassconvention.org

Things to Say Before It's Too Late

It happens again. I caught a cold last Thursday walking towards a community event. I felt bad. Imagine my disappointment being sick one week before visiting my son's family. Could I get well soon?

I needed to stay home to rest. This morning, James and I exchanged "Happy Valentine's Day!" at breakfast before he left all for an all day meeting. He asked me to take a good rest and I said I would.

I was surprised when he came back into the house in just a few minutes.

"Remember what you said about the blinkers?" he asked. "I couldn't start the car. Could you give me a ride to the carpool?"

Last night when he got home, I warned him I had left the blinkers on for a few hours by mistake and wondered whether the car could start today. So I wasn't surprised. But I told him, "How about you just take the van? I will be here all day anyway."

"But I don't want you to be without the van."

"Just in case I need to go somewhere?"

You have to watch our body language and listen to our tone of voice to understand how much we care for each other. I know James cares about me, and that's what counts.

Try New Ways to Communicate with Your Child

Parents are unique and so are their children. But there are common areas of concerns that parents can do something about. One of such areas is communication.

You probably have heard the saying that “Nobody cares about what you say unless they know you care.”

Parents who love their kids are devastated when preteens and teenagers yelled, “You don’t care!”

If you frequently get that comments from your child, no matter how old they are, pause, take a deep breath, and take some time to reflect on what is going on.  You love your child but how come she or he does not get it?

Does it surprise you that many children and teenagers complain about parents nagging them, being angry and critical of them, not listening to them, or not trusting them? If you have the tendency of reasoning with them but getting nowhere, and if you fear that your relationship is going down the drain, restore your hope by checking whether you could communicate better.

The Bible says, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).

Mignon McLaughlin, journalist once said, "We hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that, and remember only half of that."

When our minds are distracted (e.g. "hey, what is there for lunch?") or we are preparing for a comeback (e.g. "no no no, you get it wrong!"), we are at best half listening. Even worse, we interrupt the other person in mid sentence. In frustration, they interrupt us back hoping their points can be understood. And the vicious cycle continues.

The four-sides communication model by Friedemann Schulz von Thun reminds us that every message has four sides (e.g. facets and aspects): fact, self-revealing, relationship, and appeal.

Mom and Dad, Please Listen to Me!

Hey Mom and Dad,

I hate to admit, but you may call me a person with “a fierce demeanor but faint of heart.” Sure, I’d like to be cool, but I do care about you! As a teenager whose parents are going through midlife crisis, I have a lot to learn, but so do you!

1. Please remember this period of my “rebellion” is my time of searching for identity. I am learning to express my feelings and thoughts, not trying to sing a different tune. Don’t forget that I have to live independently and face the world by myself in a few years.

2. Whether you intend to encourage or discipline me, please be patient and treat me with kindness. I don’t need you to stay with me all the time, but I still hope that you would spend more time to understand me.

3. Trust me! By doing so, you empower me with love because I need your compassion, acceptance, respect and empathy. I need to know that as I grow, you are more at ease with me and are willing to let go.

4. Please don’t be angry with me for too long and don’t limit my freedom too much. You have your jobs, your hobbies, and your friends, but you are the only dad (or mom) I have.

5. Please talk with me without lecturing me, and listen to me with full attention. Even when we don’t understand each other, I will still feel your willingness to spend time to understand me, accept me, honestly address my doubts, and talk about sensitive subjects with me.

6. I will forever remember how you treat me and pray for me.

7. Before you curse or even hit me, please remember that I have enough strength to revenge even though I may choose not to.

8. Before you scold me and call me disobedient, uncooperative, stubborn, or lazy, please try to figure out whether something else is bothering me. I could be all stressed out due to peer pressure! May be I am not receiving the affirmation, acceptance, encouragement and care I need. I could be too tired, haven’t taken any break for quite some time due to homework and extra curriculum activities. My heart could have grown stiff because of growing pains and fears. Of course, sometimes I don’t know how to express myself or am affected by hormonal change.

9. Instead of rejecting me when I make mistakes, please understand, accept, and support me. Haven’t you experienced failures too? Please don’t deny your mistakes and failures. Your integrity and courage to change are my best examples.

10. As I am struggling through this difficult process of becoming an adult, I have to face setbacks and defeats. Your love for me will make it easier for me to face these teenage storms. Don’t ever forget that I love you, and that you have promised to love me all your life.

This article was published in Chinese by Family Keepers in April 2010.