Handling Anxiety

So many of us were looking forward to celebrating New Year 2020 and Chinese New Year in the same month as we hoped for a better year. But bad news like the outbreak of Wuhan Coronavirus and the helicopter death of Kobe Bryant remind us that life is unpredictable and out of our control. Who wouldn't be nervous, worried and anxious?

Anxiety is different from fear but they are related. Fear is a feeling of tension that is associated with a known source of danger. Anxiety is also a feeling of tension, but in this case, the danger or the threat of danger is unknown. Anxiety is often anticipatory—worrying about the future. Without apparent reason, a person may worry about their job, fret over the well-being of a child or feel apprehensive about their own health.

Anxiety is the culprit that wakes us in the night and won't let us go back to sleep. It distracts us and makes us irritable and forgetful. Physical symptoms can include trembling or shakiness, clammy hands, dry mouth, sweating, headaches, neck pain, frequent urination and heart palpitations.

Mild anxiety is normal in our daily lives and can be eased with some basic tools. Answer the following questions to find out how well you use some of these tools.

1. When I feel anxious, I take deep breaths to ground and calm myself down.
2. To ease some of the tension, I relax my body and physically release the tightness in my shoulders, neck, arms and chest.
3. I vent my feelings of anxiety by writing or talking to someone who listens with empathy to help get the strong emotions off my chest and out of my body.
4. I channel the tension into some kind of physical activity like walking, sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, or watering the yard.
5. I get a reality check by talking to someone I trust about my reasoning or thinking or the conclusions I've come to.
6. If I know I'm going to be in an anxiety-producing situation, I plan through how I will handle it; I get myself ready.
7. I watch how others get through stressful situations and model them; I ask questions about the best way to handle situations or events or people.
8. When the same anxiety comes up over and over, I log and assess possible causes and solutions.
9. When it doesn't interfere with my normal life, I generally try to avoid people, places and events that I know will produce anxiety.
10. Sometimes, when I have to face a situation that I know will cause anxiety, I take someone with me.
11. I face and take responsibility for problems and commit to a plan of action, rather than avoiding, denying, minimizing or blaming.
12. I nurture a positive attitude.
13. I seek support from friends, family, counselors, support group, and brothers and sisters from church.
14. When I feel anxious, I go directly to my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ to ask for help because I believe I cannot save myself!

Anxiety is a normal emotion that most people experience in their daily lives. Some anxieties are healthy and can motivate us to to complete difficult tasks. However, intense anxiety is a very painful emotion and can interfere with one's daily functioning. If you are worried about your fear and anxiety, please feel free to visit ParentingABCtoday.com for help, or just let me pray with you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

The Lord Gives Peace

"People have sorrow and joy; they part and meet again and again. The moon dims or shines; it waxes and wanes again and again." This quote by Su Dongpo reminds us the reality of life. On this day of the Autumn Moon Festival, I would like to share a real life experience many years ago.

Four days after the 911 terrorist attack in 2001, my husband James and I drove our son to college. We stayed at a friend's house on the way so that we could arrive at the campus early. Unexpectedly, there was already a long line of cars waiting for the "freshmen move-in" service provided by upperclassmen and we had to line up a few blocks away. Fortunately, the college juniors and seniors were strong, and the line moved fast. When our van reached the front of the line after two hours, some muscled guys unloaded all of our son’s belongings and placed them into huge canvas containers with wheels. With ease, they rolled the containers through winding pathways connecting different buildings. Before we knew it, our son's belongings arrived the upstairs suite where he would live for one year with five other guys.

I was relieved watching how our son took initiative to greet people and strike up conversations. We met a young man who was helping his younger brother to move in. When he noticed the cross on the homemade necklace our son was wearing, he asked, "Are you a Christian?" The two of them became friends and quickly exchanged phone numbers.

With lightning speed, our teenager set up his PC and made sure everything worked. While I was making his extra long bed, he and James took turn checking their e-mails. Sitting in front of his desk in his single room, our son put his hands behind his head, looked out the window, and proclaimed, "This place is like a palace."

Not wasting a moment, James said, "Time to go."

Caught by surprise, I uttered, "Let's check out the bookstore and help him buy his books." 

Suppressing my feelings, I stopped by different attractions to take pictures, trying to appreciate the beautiful campus while we walked. But how I wanted to linger on!

I could not believe how fast our son found all his text books and paid for them with his credit card. I was proud of him but also felt regretful. Has my boy really grown up?

As soon as we left the bookstore, James said again, "Time to go."

I almost collapsed but still pretended to be calm. I glanced at my watch. "Hey, it's almost noon, let's have lunch. We can stay a couple more hours." They did not object, but we were all very quiet on the way to the cafeteria.

As we walked, I asked myself, "Why are they so eager to separate? My friends said their daughters were reluctant to let their parents go home. Doesn't my son love me anymore? Why doesn't my husband support me?"

Suddenly, I thought about 911 and the news that there might be more terrorist attacks. I have mixed feelings and thoughts. After I came to the United States for college, I never saw my mom again because she died of heart failure two years later at age 48. Mom had never seen her son-in-law and grandson. What if ... Thinking about all these things, I can’t help but feel sadder and sadder.

Waiting in line for food in the dining hall, my son suddenly asked: "Mom, are those tears in your eyes?"

I could not stop my tears when I poured out my heart. I was feeling angry, disappointed, sad, anxious, afraid, ... They both nodded as they listened. Thank God that they listened, understood, and accepted me! As it turned out, they also felt the sadness of separation. And that's why they longed for a quick departure to fix the pain!

After lunch I suggested, "Let's take more pictures on campus. Mom will be on her way in a couple of hours." They burst into laughter at my delay tactic. Two hours later, James took our final photo with our almost six-foot tall son wrapping his arm around my shoulders. The tears in my eyes and the smile on my face is the proof of my bittersweet experience.

When we arrived home late at night, an email was waiting for us: "Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for taking me to school. I am fine so don't worry. My new friend today will pick me up for church. Good night. Love you."

Jesus told His disciples, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Remembering Dad and Giving Thanks to Our Father in Heaven

On this Father's Day, I remember my father and give thanks to the Lord Jesus Christ for His wonderful salvation. May all glory, honor, and praises be given to our Father in Heaven.

Remembering Dad -- a father who made mistakes but eventually became a "New Creation"

Although Dad has passed away for many years, he is still in my heart. My Dad betrayed my Mom and had a son with another woman when I was one year old. Mom was helpless in changing his mind. Using Grandma’s “two girls in a row ...” as a excuse, Dad made his mistress his concubine and broke Mom's heart. I became Mom's confidant as she instilled the concept of being an independent woman who would never rely on my husband.

Strive to be Accepted

Even though Dad betrayed Mom, she still desire his love and acceptance. It was evident from my preschool photo (having a boy's haircut and wearing a jumpsuit) that Mom was still concerned about being able to give birth to a son. She took risk of pregnancy disregarding her doctor's warning. After nine years of trying, she finally gave Dad a son to regain his love. At the same time, I worked hard to compete with boys. I tried to find affirmation with good grades and good behaviors so to please my Dad and Grandma, and to make Mom proud.

However, in spite of human efforts, despite the apparent peace of mind, nobody can break the tradition of favoring boys over girls, make up for the infidelity in the marriage contract, and heal the wound of being rejected. I can't believe that I am valuable, and love can last.

After the marital storm, my parents tried to live a normal family life, and finally they had a son. My younger brother brought happiness to my parents. But their good times didn't last long. In his thirties, Dad lost his son (my half-brother). In his fifties, he lost his wife (my mother). He felt deeply guilty about his two wives and children through pain and suffering.

I don't understand why Dad has to go through so much pain. In his generation, people can marry many wives. He desperately wanted to treat them fairly but that was impossible. I still remember an occasion when he was drunk, he tearfully advised my cousins: "Don't marry two wives! One is enough!"

Jesus heals my wound

Unhealthy thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are often passed down from generation to generation. The tragedy of my family of origin helped me understand the dark and struggling side of human nature. Although I have always loved my father, I have hated him. When I became a young mother, the tragedy of my parents became the shadow behind my relationship with my husband, which made me both over sensitive and insecure.

In 1989, I realized that I am a new creation. God's love and faithfulness healed my wounds, helped me to accept my past, and forgive those who had hurt me, especially Dad. I am most grateful to find out that he had already believed in the Lord before he died in 1986. This news brought me unexpected peace and great comfort, thanking God for the wonderful salvation of Jesus Christ!

I am sharing my family secrets on Father's Day because I could imagine that if Dad is still alive, he would share his failures and weaknesses without the fear of losing face. He would share how the Lord Jesus Christ healed his sorrowful and contrite heart. In retrospect, Dad still tried to correct the terrible mistakes he made in an unhealthy cultural environment, trying to be a good husband and a good father: providing for both families, sharing dinner with my mother and us four nights a week, taking us to parks, movies, restaurants, and sending me to college in the United States. 

After making his share of mistakes, he repented and became a responsible person.  This has affected me deeply to help couples deal with marital crisis today. I can't rewrite history, but I can say, "Dad, I love you! How glad I am that you and I have a new life given by the Lord Jesus Christ!"

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Mom's Unconditional Love in Action

Thank you for praying for me and my family. I am back in the Bay Area after visiting my son's family. Here is a photo of my newest bundle of joy soon after I arrived their home.

On this Mother's Day, I wanted to remember my mother's unconditional love. A similar article written in Chinese will be sent separately in a short while. 

It was August, 1973. The day before I left Hong Kong for college in California, my mom insisted on ironing all my shirts by herself (even though our family had a maid).

Suddenly Mom cried, "Oh no!"

I rushed in, saw what happened, and yelled, "Why did you do that?"

I walked away to conceal my disappointment -- my favorite blouse was ruined! Then I felt really guilty yelling at Mom. Why did I do that?

I was sitting there dejected when her gentle voice called, "Your blouse is okay. Look..." She had cut the burnt tip off and made both pointed collars curved!

The next day we hugged and bid farewell. Two years later, she died of heart failure while I was still in college. Yet her love lives in me and sustains me. I treasure our last family photo taken a few months before I left Hong Kong with me standing next to Mom. Who could imagine I would never see her again after coming to California?

How do I know my mom loved me? That day when I yelled at her, somehow she knew I was anxious about going to the United States and she forgave me for taking things out on her. Her love helped me years later to understand the greater love of Christ. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).

Happy Mother's Day!

Befriending Anger and Remembering Father

How did you feel when you heard about children being separated from their families?

What are we supposed to do when someone or something triggers anger and stirs up our personally history?

Recently, I had a great vacation visiting my sister in Texas. On my first night there, I saw something very familiar on her coffee table and asked, “What is that?”

It’s Dad’s ash tray!

Although I haven’t seen it for decades, it still brought back my bittersweet childhood memories. My dad broke my mom’s heart when he had an affair. But both of them tried their best to keep our family together.  I felt peaceful and grateful sitting with my sister.

This month’s feature article “Befriending Anger” reminds us to befriend our anger so that we can find out what is really going on.

The Chinese article (中文文章 - 懷念爸爸) is a real-life story about disappointment, hurt and pain in my family of origin and the resurrecting power of Christ in healing brokenness. May our Heavenly Father God be glorified!

You may read the June 23rd 2018 Newsletter by clicking HERE.

Belated Happy Father’s Day! 父親節快樂! 

Joy and Peace to you,

Winnis Chiang

winnis@parentingabc.com

Life Stages and a Love that Reconciles

December 31, 2017 marked the transition into a new phase for our family. James’ mom (age 95) was moved into her daughter’s place. Thank God for my sister-in-law and her husband who remodeled and “senior proof” their basement apartment with an outside entrance. Now mom does not have to climb stairs to her 3rd-floor flat.  

That transition allowed James and me the freedom to participate in a vision trip to South Korea with other ethnic ministry leaders in early April. One place we visited was near the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) near the 38th parallel, the line dividing North and South Korea. Imagine praying with a group from all nations for the then upcoming summit between the North and South Korea leaders.

Here is a photo taken by Resonate Global Mission of the Christian Reformed Church of North America (CRCNA).

As explored in the feature article "Life Stages" this month, life goes through stages but we could still grow by getting out of our comfort zone at any age!

I'm grateful for both my mother-in-law and my own mother. Although my mommy passed away in 1975 at age 48, I still remember her love. You may read about "Love that Reconciles" written in Chinese (中文文章 - 主動和解的愛). Let’s bless others with the love of Christ! 

You may read the May 9th 2018 Newsletter by clicking HERE.

母親節快樂!  Happy Mother’s Day! 

Joy and Peace to you,

Winnis Chiang

winnis@parentingabc.com

Reflection Before Father's Day

Father's Day is coming soon. I want to appreciate the fathers and father-figures I know. Whether you have children of your own, don't ever underestimate your role and the difference you can make as a caring male model in the life of even one young person.

Yesterday there was an explosion near the front gate of a kindergarten in eastern China. At least eight people were killed, almost seventy people were injured. Authorities have said that the deadly blast was the work of a 22-year-old suicide bomber.

My heart cried for the victims and their families. Such traumatic event will affect many lives for years to come. People are shocked, angered, afraid, depressed. Something insensible like this reminds us that life is short, the world is not safe, and things are not under our control ... There will be anxiety and fear.

I also feel very sad for the suicide-bomber. How could he plan such evil to destroy? Then I wonder whether he could have asked for help to deal with his own pains, struggles, anger, depression and hopelessness.

As I was losing peace, I prayed and I remembered what Jesus said. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

I thought about those little kids and their fathers, mothers, grandparents who were picking them up after school. I thought about the teachers, the helpers, ... I wish they have all known our Heavenly Father and His unconditional love.

The Bible and resources like the "Father's Love Letter" (in print, audio and video) have helped millions of people, including me, when something triggered us into depression and anxiety. Check it out!

For English go to http://fathersloveletter.com/index.html
For Chinese go to http://fathersloveletter.com/Chinese/

Let us honor our Abba Father who created us and has given us new lives in Christ. May you have peace in Christ and share His love with someone today.

Happy Father's Day!

Reflection on Mother's Day

I have not forgotten writing you. I was just having too much fun in the East Coast, mixing work and play. James and I were away a total of ten days. First we presented workshops at a church; then we reunited with my brother and sister, and their spouses. We also visited James' sister and brother-in-law one evening. We are grateful for a chance to serve and interacted with so many special people in the Greater New York area.

We arrived home late Saturday night. The next day after church, we went to San Francisco to celebrate Mother's Day with James' mom, sister, brother and their families.  How wonderful it is to enjoy time with both sides of the family in May!

At age 95, James' mom has many children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We celebrated with yummy Chinese food, cakes and beautiful flowers. Mama was very happy.

On Monday, James and I took her to the park and walked around the lake. I went brisk walking while they strolled with her walker. We reunited just in time to see a pair of Canadian geese taking care of their little ones.  Obviously the mom and dad were protective and watchful while training their little ones. Finally they went for a swim. Those goslings will grow up and fly away.  And that is good!

As we were celebrating Mother's Day with James' mom, our son and his family Skyped us. I'm grateful for technology. But even if there was no Internet, physical distance really does not have to break heart-to-heart connections.

I love the card our son sent me. As a mother and grandmother, I was so encouraged by his note. The photos of him, his wife and their kids are precious. Oh how fast the kids have grown!

I remembered how James took our young son to Yeye and Nainai on the weekends, and how our adult son walked around the lake with me when he visited the Bay Area. As I am writing now, my heart is filled with love, gratitude and contentment. Jesus Christ my Savior can also transform your life, marriage and family. Even though I still missed my mom who passed away in 1975, I am grateful for my family and the body of Christ. Although I still feel sad that my mom never met my husband and son, I can now sit with that sadness and experience joy. What great things our Lord has done!

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom. One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts. They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—and I will meditate on your wonderful works." (Psalm 145:3-5)

Enjoy people you love. Happy Mother's Day!

Saving Ourselves from Self-Sabotage

When he was a boy, Stan vowed he’d never be a father like his own father—aloof, critical and emotionally unavailable. Yet, 30 years later, he catches himself treating his son harshly and constantly judging him for not measuring up.

Patricia loves her job and her boss. The only thorn is that her boss prizes punctuality and Patricia just can’t seem to be on time for anything, whether it’s a team meeting or that project that was due last week.

What Stan and Patricia have in common is the all-too-common disease called self-sabotage. It eats away inside, creating a cycle of self-destruction with the result that we aren’t really living the life we want for ourselves, nor the life that God intends us to have.

Self-sabotage “hides inside us and toils against our best interest. If we don’t succeed in identifying and owning this sinister part, we can never be free,” says Stanley Rosner, author of The Self-Sabotage Cycle: Why We Repeat Behaviors That Create Hardships and Ruin Relationships.

Numerous studies show that women are more prone to lower self-esteem and self-doubting thoughts. This leads to self-sabotaging behavior, according to author Nancy Good. In her book Slay Your Own Dragons: How Women Can Overcome Self-Sabotage in Love and Work, she lists several signs of self-defeating behavior that women (and men) can recognize:

1. Being overly passive, fearful, listless or indecisive, so that chances pass us by.

2. Having a chronically chaotic financial situation.

3. Being controlled by depression and anxiety.

4. Being controlled by compulsive behaviors to abuse alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, physical exercise, etc. Being compulsively late. Expressing anger inappropriately.

5. Being mistreated by partners and spouses. Being stuck in an unhappy relationship but doing nothing to change the situation. Having a series of unsatisfying relationships.

Recognizing self-defeating thoughts and behavior is the first step to change. Many experts agree that to change the behavior, people must change their thinking. Therefore, the first step is to observe ourselves and our thoughts.

The next step is to take responsibility for our thoughts and behavior—so that we control them and they stop controlling us. If we accept that we are doing this to ourselves, we can also understand that we have the option to change.

Self-observation is a powerful tool against the behaviors that defeat us. For example, Stan could take his son fishing and be careful to be positive and to stay silent when he feels a criticism rising in his throat. To do this, he would first have to decide that a good relationship with his son was more important that being “right.”

Setting a goal is the next step. Without blame or shame, choose one behavior to change. For example, Patricia could decide not to be late anymore. To do this, she would have to decide that something was more important than being late—a job she loves, for example. One tactic might be to write a positive affirmation each night in a journal, or set her clock an hour early, or enlist a friend to call her for a week, reminding her to walk out the door. After a while, the rewards of being on time could become greater than the self-defeating cycle of being late.

It’s not easy to change patterns of self-sabotage, but with time and practice—and a good dose of self-love—it is possible to end a self-defeating cycle and live the life we truly want for ourselves.

Jesus knew our circumstances and conditions. He knows the human hearts, and he came to save us. That's why he told His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)

Are you struggling with the ups and downs of life? How have you been sabotaging yourself? Write me if you wanted to get some help and prayers.

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

One-Liners to Avoid in an Argument

They slice and dice, cutting wounds not easily healed by pacifying words.

They inflame like a lit match near gasoline.

They suck the life out of all that they touch. 

They’re the zingers we fling at each other during arguments, the cruel and aggressive wisecracks or retorts that escalate a fight like nothing else. And when the zingers begin to outnumber the kind words spoken to each other, it may be too late to fix the relationship because the love has dried up and blown away.

Learning how to communicate well in a conflict—how to argue without hurting and insulting each other—is possibly the most important relationship survival skill ever. Doing so reduces divorce and domestic violence rates—and increases personal happiness, relationship satisfaction and peace of mind.

Here, then, are a few one-liners you’d do well to avoid: 

“That’s not what’s happening here!” This is just one of many versions of the line: “I’m right and you’re wrong!” And whether you say it or just think it, the only thing “You’re wrong!” creates is a lose-lose situation. 

“You always…” or “You never…” Starting a sentence with either two-word phrase is guaranteed to raise temperatures. How about stating instead that the other person does XYZ “more times than feels good.” Rather than, “You never listen to me,” try something like this: “When you respond that way, I get the sense that you’re not understanding me in the way I’d like you to.” 

“You really know how to hurt me.” This line assumes that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt you. It also implies that someone other than yourself has power over what you feel. It places you in the role of emotional “victim.” But you can choose whether or not to be hurt by someone’s actions.

“How can you be that way?” This isn’t really a question. It’s an aggressive statement something to the effect of, “You’re a terrible person, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

Of course, these are mild, compared to the even more hurtful words we can come up with in the heat of an argument. But for love to flourish and deepen, for healthy and long-lasting relationships, we need to learn how to incorporate acceptance, self-understanding, compassion and tolerance into our conflicts. And maybe one-liners like, “I love you!”

We keep arguing because we think we are right or we have to defend ourselves even if we were wrong; but there is a deeper meaning: we argue because we care about this particular subject matter. I used to argue with James a lot about parenting issues. To change, I need to have more awareness, knowledge, and skills, and I need to be intentional. How about you? What kind of improvements do you need?

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:19-20)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Take Time to Grieve

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4).

In the aftermath of terrible tragedies—be they our own or a nation’s—we cannot ignore or hurry grief.

Grief is a complex process that takes many forms. When a mass tragedy occurs, not only do we grieve for the victims, but we also re-grieve from previous losses we’ve suffered. And when a parent dies, we grieve the past that dies, too. When a spouse dies, the present disappears. A child who dies takes a parent’s future with him.

Some say that the passage of time is the great emotional healer. In fact, it’s what you do with that time that is important.

When my mother suddenly passed away in 1975 at age 48, I wanted to be brave. I knew Mom would not want me to be sad, so I did not even go to Hong Kong for her funeral. I focused on completing my studies at Berkeley. After all, that's our plan. Mom wanted me to be successful in a new world, and I dreamed of one day buying her a big house and traveling with her around the world. I tried to move on, but part of me died with her. It was years later when I finally took time to grieve my loss.

The Feelings

During grief it is common to have many conflicting feelings: sorrow, anger, loneliness, anxiety, even guilt. Experiencing waves of these strong and often confusing emotions can make us feel out of control. In an attempt to regain a sense of control, we may deny the feelings.

Parenting in a Different Culture

"Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise— that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth" (Ephesians 6:2-3).

I love both my Mom and Dad although emotionally I always felt closer connected with my Mom. Like all parents, they had their ups and downs in life, and it was their broken relationship that affected me the most.

As a young girl, I heard about how Dad had a mistress who gave birth to a son (my half-brother) when I was only one year old. I was told that my grandmother told Dad, "Two girls in a row? You'd better go elsewhere to have a son," right after I was born. Since Mom wanted to give my older sister and me a good life, she eventually accepted my Dad's concubine.

There were pictures of me wearing boy's clothing before I started school. Feeling insignificant as a girl, I tried very hard to be better than boys academically, athletically, and socially. I wanted to please my dad and grandmother, and to honor my mom.

After their marital storm, my parents tried to live a normal life – as normal as it could be living with my grandmother. Being number 8 among ten children, my dad and us lived with grandmother's five youngest children (#6-10) and their families in her big house in Happy Valley, Hong Kong. Grandmother had two cooks. We used to eat dinner around four to five big round tables everyday. Since Dad's concubine lived in Kowloon, Dad only came home four nights a week.

On top of all this complexity, tragedy struck. When my half-brother was ten, he was run over and killed by his school bus. Dad was deeply saddened and guilt-stricken. Ironically, about one year before that fatal accident, my mom gave birth to my younger brother. After trying for nine years, Mom finally had a son of her own when I was almost 10. I cried when I first read the story of Abraham, Sarah and Hagar. Sadly, our mom passed away at age 48 when my brother was in his early teen. Dad felt guilty to both sides of his family but never really talked much about it.

The Impact of Unresolved Trauma on Relationships

Physicians use the word “trauma” to describe a serious injury to the physical body resulting from a sudden impact, such as an accident or a violent act. But you can also suffer emotional trauma, which can cause an equally painful wound to your sense of self as a whole, coherent being. Just like a wound to your physical body, emotional injuries also require care and attention so that you may heal.

When this trauma is left unresolved and your experience of yourself is one of not being whole—of somehow being broken—you are likely to bring the footprints of this to your relationships. To have healthy relationships, you must first have a healthy sense of your own being and place in the world.

Let’s take a brief look at trauma, its origins and symptoms, and then how this may affect your relationships.

Origins and Effects of Emotional Trauma

Emotional injuries result from any experience in which one feels that his or her life or well-being is endangered. These experiences might include the shaming of a young person by a parent or teacher, the molestation or beating of a child, the loss of a job or a divorce, a sudden death or life-changing accident, or being sent to war.

Whether the trauma occurred in childhood or adulthood, it changes your experience of yourself and your world. If you were young when the trauma occurred, you will likely have more scars, because you were more vulnerable and had fewer coping skills.

The Essential Father

Last Sunday morning, the deadliest shooting massacre in U.S. History happened in Orlando, Florida. At least 49 people were killed and more than 53 were injured. Like many people, I felt shocked and sad. I grieved for the victims and their families and friends, and worried about the effect on the general public.

The gunman was a 29-years-old husband and the father of a young child. Was he a lone-wolf home-grown terrorist? Investigations are digging up more and more things that seem confusing, conflicting, alarming, and troublesome. I cannot help but to follow some of the stories about his upbringings, his father, his ex-wife, his wife, his job, and his targets ... what people said ... and my head was spinning.

Who really was this guy? How can God let this kind of bad things happen?

I don't have the answer but this I know: If not for the mercy and grace of God, things could be much worse.

How can we live with so many bad news in a Fallen world?

I thought about what Jesus said. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Father's Day is coming soon. I want to appreciate dads who are trying their best to be involved in the lives of their children. Even if you are learning as you go, your participation and involvement count. Don't ever underestimate your role.

Lost and Found

Last week, EgyptAir flight 804 went missing en route from Paris to Cairo. The plane just left Greece airspace when it disappeared. Later, it was found that the plane had crash. But why? how? what happened? There are lots of contradicting reports and speculations, and the truth may never be found.  But one thing is sure, all 66 precious lives were lost.

Sorry I haven't written you as often as I wished. I had to take care of a lingering back pain which seemed to get worse. In April, it was diagnosed as Sciatica nerve pain and I had to take care of myself, including going to physical therapy. Delays such as these were not in my plan.

I was worried about not being able to travel to the East Coast for a family reunion. I haven't seen my siblings for two years. So I prayed everyday that I would be well enough to travel. I had to be careful with my back so I checked in my carry-on bag while James carried his. With only a short time to make the connecting flight, I was happy to walk luggage-free.

When we arrived our final destination, we slowly walked to baggage claim area. Bags were coming out at carousel #2 but we didn't see mine. We waited, and waited, and waited.

Someone said those bags on the belt were from a different flight. "... Go to that room and ask. May be your bag was moved that already."

I gave a lady my tag and she looked among those poor bags sitting in the room waiting for their owners. "No. Yours is not here. Let me check."

She worked on her computer and looked up. "Your bag did not make the connecting flight."

Don't Let Fear Stop You

Almost 40 years ago, I refused to drive after a drunk driver's hit-and-run at the speed of over 100 miles per hour zigzagging on Highway 101. Months later, I resumed driving out of necessity, but I constantly looked into the rear view mirror fearing someone would hit my car again. That fear lasted for quite some time!

Fear talks to people. And when they listen, this is what can happen:

Sheila loved to dance but she wouldn’t go out on the dance floor with her fiancé because she thought she’d look clumsy and ridiculous.

Arnie knew he deserved a raise, but he was so nervous about approaching his boss, he never asked for one.

Delia’s fear of bears was so great that she wouldn’t go on a camping trip with her friends. And their campsite wasn’t even in bear territory.

Fear is that voice inside our heads that says, you can’t, you shouldn’t, what if…. Fear keeps us from taking risks that might enrich our life or holds us back from doing some things we need to do. Experience new and exciting vistas? Accomplish something really great? Fear says “No" to all risks, real or imagined.

           

This isn’t to say that fear is all bad. At its best it’s an instinctive, natural ability to help us survive. Without fear we might attempt to stroll across freeways or scratch behind a lion’s ears. But given the upper hand, fear can dominate our life and make even the innocuous—taking a walk or answering the phone—a daunting experience.

Even if ninety-nine percent of what we worry about never happens, we still hold onto certain fears because they seem so real.

On its own, fear won’t disappear. Following are some strategies to help you deal with fears that might be holding you back from something you want or need to do.

• Get information. In an information void, fear clicks in to do what it thinks is its job. But when you find out about what scares you, you replace fear with knowledge.

Coping with a Loved One's Mental Illness

Last Saturday, I heard the testimony of a father whose teenage son committed suicide in early 2015 after suffering clinical depression. He was in Taiwan on a business trip when his wife called and said their son was unstable. He flew back and saw his son. But on the following day, the 17 years old killed himself at home.

This was a case that the parents did not see the tragedy coming. Their son seemed happy, did well in school, had friends, and was involved in many activities. You could imagine the questions the dad asked himself and God. Questions such as

(1) Where did my son go since he stopped going to church in high school?
(2) Why do so many people with depression attempt suicide?
(3) How to look at a life that ended short?
(4) What's really important in life?
(5) What could parents do differently while they still have time?

Having comforted by God through his grief and loss, this father stood in front of hundreds to share his testimony, hoping to raise awareness of clinical depression which is a real sickness and an unseen killer. He described depression like a balloon losing air. The life force was let out. A person suffering depression is often tormented by repeated negative and destructive thoughts. In this day and age, through the Internet, everyone is constantly exposed to and bombarded by information which might induce negative thoughts about oneself, the world, and our future every day!

Witnessing the suffering of a loved one can be one of the most difficult situations we face. Among other things, we may feel powerless, frustrated and frightened. That’s true whether the suffering originates from a physical illness or injury, addiction or self-destructive activity.

When a loved one suffers a debilitating, persistent and chronic mental illness, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, those feelings can be compounded. Strange, unpredictable behaviors can be terrifying and confusing. Your loved one may suddenly rage at you with blame or be utterly dependent upon you for basic needs and emotional stability.

You may experience many confusing emotions yourself, including anger, grief, guilt, fear and sadness. As you struggle with each episode of illness and worry about the future, you may feel anxious and overwhelmed.

Unfortunately, since serious mental illness still carries a stigma, you may be keeping it a secret, resulting in increased isolation, frustration and difficulty because you may have no one to talk to about your feelings or no way to get information and support.

Handling Adversity: You're Stronger Than You Thought

December 22, 2015

How is it possible to experience Love, Joy, Peace and Hope when bad things are happening?

For some of us, it is by believing in Jesus Christ, the Lord of lords and King of kings. He came from Heaven to earth to save us from our sins and make "God with Us" a reality!

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." (Isaiah 9:6)

Do you believe you're stronger than you thought? Have you forgotten who you are in Christ?

How Well Do You Handle Anxiety?

November 10, 2015

"Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up." (Proverbs 12:25)

One way I deal with anxiety is to talk to someone I trust about my feelings, reasoning or thinking or the conclusions I've come to. Have you experienced other effective ways to deal with anxiety?

How about you? How Well Do You Handle Anxiety?

From Hopelessness To Happiness—A Learnable Life Skill

May 12, 2015

Do you know happiness and joy are emotions that can be learned?

On this Mother's Day edition, I want to pay tribute to my mother who showed me sacrificial love in spite of her own struggles in life. Although she was mistreated and betrayed, she continued to live and love. I had many happy times with my mother because both of us enjoyed quality time and loved talking with each other.

In many ways, big and small, Mom sacrificed herself for her children. She encouraged me to keep on learning and seeking for a better future. She dealt with her hopelessness by putting her hope and future onto me. When Mom passed away at age 48, part of me died with her. My hopelessness and emptiness eventually led me to Christ; and my life, marriage, and family have never been the same!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Were you conditioned to feel hopeless from some childhood or recent traumatic experiences? Like me, you could also learn a new life skill -- from hopelessness to happiness.