Handling Anxiety

So many of us were looking forward to celebrating New Year 2020 and Chinese New Year in the same month as we hoped for a better year. But bad news like the outbreak of Wuhan Coronavirus and the helicopter death of Kobe Bryant remind us that life is unpredictable and out of our control. Who wouldn't be nervous, worried and anxious?

Anxiety is different from fear but they are related. Fear is a feeling of tension that is associated with a known source of danger. Anxiety is also a feeling of tension, but in this case, the danger or the threat of danger is unknown. Anxiety is often anticipatory—worrying about the future. Without apparent reason, a person may worry about their job, fret over the well-being of a child or feel apprehensive about their own health.

Anxiety is the culprit that wakes us in the night and won't let us go back to sleep. It distracts us and makes us irritable and forgetful. Physical symptoms can include trembling or shakiness, clammy hands, dry mouth, sweating, headaches, neck pain, frequent urination and heart palpitations.

Mild anxiety is normal in our daily lives and can be eased with some basic tools. Answer the following questions to find out how well you use some of these tools.

1. When I feel anxious, I take deep breaths to ground and calm myself down.
2. To ease some of the tension, I relax my body and physically release the tightness in my shoulders, neck, arms and chest.
3. I vent my feelings of anxiety by writing or talking to someone who listens with empathy to help get the strong emotions off my chest and out of my body.
4. I channel the tension into some kind of physical activity like walking, sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, or watering the yard.
5. I get a reality check by talking to someone I trust about my reasoning or thinking or the conclusions I've come to.
6. If I know I'm going to be in an anxiety-producing situation, I plan through how I will handle it; I get myself ready.
7. I watch how others get through stressful situations and model them; I ask questions about the best way to handle situations or events or people.
8. When the same anxiety comes up over and over, I log and assess possible causes and solutions.
9. When it doesn't interfere with my normal life, I generally try to avoid people, places and events that I know will produce anxiety.
10. Sometimes, when I have to face a situation that I know will cause anxiety, I take someone with me.
11. I face and take responsibility for problems and commit to a plan of action, rather than avoiding, denying, minimizing or blaming.
12. I nurture a positive attitude.
13. I seek support from friends, family, counselors, support group, and brothers and sisters from church.
14. When I feel anxious, I go directly to my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ to ask for help because I believe I cannot save myself!

Anxiety is a normal emotion that most people experience in their daily lives. Some anxieties are healthy and can motivate us to to complete difficult tasks. However, intense anxiety is a very painful emotion and can interfere with one's daily functioning. If you are worried about your fear and anxiety, please feel free to visit ParentingABCtoday.com for help, or just let me pray with you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Cultivating a Grateful Heart

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever." (Psalm 136:1)

With so many bad news in the world, near and far, do you sometimes find it hard to give thanks?

There was a time that I was scheduled to give a talk in a support group. When the time came, I had reserved one morning to finish my handout. But that day as I was fixing breakfast, my back suddenly hurt so badly that I couldn't stand up straight.

Oh No! My sciatica pain has flared up again!

I carefully moved towards the wall and started doing the "Untwisting Your Nerve" exercise that I learned in physical therapy. But when it did not seem to work, I started to panic.

There is no way for me to prepare for the talk! May be I cannot even go!

I prayed and slowly walked to my home office in a crouching position. After sitting quietly for awhile, I sent an e-mail.

"Hi, I'm still planning to be there but I may not have handout.  Most likely I will send you the handout pretty late because my back is hurting and I have other responsibilities. Please pray for all attendees and me, especially for my sciatica pain. See you."

I sat quietly and accepted (not just enduring) the pain of the moment. Before I knew it, my back pain was gone. Two days later, I shared this most recent example in my "Dealing with Emotions -- How Emotions and Stress Affect Our Health" workshop. How could I not give thanks to the Lord?

Counting our blessings and giving thanks can take our minds away from troubles in our life and in this world. I like to use the following list to cultivate a grateful heart during Thanksgiving. Please try one or two questions.

1. What one biggest gift (tangible or intangible) have you received this year?
2. What two things changed your life this year?
3. What three incidents help you grow in your faith this year?
4. Which four blessings in your home are you willing to thank God for?
5. What five happy experiences have you had?
6. What six things created by God are things that we cannot live without even though we sometimes take them for granted?
7. Who are seven people, inside or outside of your home, for whom you are most thankful?

My biggest gift in 2019 is our fifth grandchild. After my daughter-in-law's mother took care of them for a month, I went to help for 24 days. I could hold the baby all day, even though I had to first sit down and wait for her parents to bring her. I also enjoyed spending time with the other grandchildren, often playing one game after another, or reading one storybook after another. Thank God that my son and daughter-in-law are responsible parents and they understand my sciatica. Going to bed early and taking naps, I was more relaxed there than in California!

There were many other incidents and changes that helped me grow in my faith this year.

One is regarding my sciatic pain. This time last year I told my primary doctor the recurrence of lower back pain. Once again she prescribed physical therapy and plenty of rest. Since I already tried Physical Therapy a few times without lasting outcome, I was skeptical. Nevertheless I made an appointment for December when I wasn't so busy. However, my back was hurting so badly the morning after Thanksgiving that I had to call for help.

Amazingly, they said I could see another Physical Therapist that afternoon. After asking me about my situation, she asked me to stand naturally in front of a mirror and put my hands on my hips. She showed me how my left and right sides were not leveled. She diagnosed the cause of my sciatica pain and taught me exercises and sleep positioning in the next few months. She even prepared me the right way to hold my new grand-baby.

The "Untwisting Your Nerve" exercise was so helpful that I was able to resume daily walk with James since the end of May. Thank God for His divine appointment for me to meet this knowledgeable, skillful and caring Physical Therapist!

I also experienced God's amazing grace with James' eyesight changes. In late July, his left eye suddenly had blurred vision. I was scared because that is his only functioning eye. After seeing a Retina specialist, an injection was given to his eyeball in early August to slow down the build-up of fluid in his retina. The off-label drug was normally prescribed for chemotherapy treatment. There was no guarantee for healing. "Perhaps we can rely on injection to keep his vision from getting worse. When his vision is stable, perhaps he can wear special glasses."

I sent out prayer requests pleading our merciful God to allow James to drive, read, preach, and lead Bible studies.

James remained calm. I tried not to be emotional but I was feeling very scared and worried, especially after searching the Internet and reading many negative reports. What if the shot had negative effects? What if James became blind? What if ...

Amazingly, James' could see clearly in just 2 days after the injection. In his September check up, even the doctor was surprised how fast his eye had recovered. James did not need another injection but had to be checked again to make sure his vision was stabilized. Imagine our joy when James tested 20/20 on his left eye in November! The doctor said, "All is well. Let's check again in December because we need to keep an eye on you." I could not help but say "Thank God!" Even the doctor nodded his head.

In 2007, James underwent surgery on this left eye to treat the macular hole in the retina. I was scared to death before his operation until I was comforted by the Word of God in our Thursday Bible study. 12 years later, the same eye needed an eyeball injection and I was scared to death again. Amazingly, a few days before the injection, in our Monday Bible study in a different city, God spoke clearly to me again using the same passage (Mark 6:45-52). Jesus said to me, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." How can I not thank the Lord?

Life is unpredictable but we can thank the Lord Jesus for saving us and walking with us. Please Click HERE to read my article titled "Giving Thanks While Bowing Down" to find out how James' left eye lost and regained central vision in 2007. Thank God for His love and faithfulness!

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

How are you? Let me listen to your gratitude and stress, and pray for you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Remembering Dad and Giving Thanks to Our Father in Heaven

On this Father's Day, I remember my father and give thanks to the Lord Jesus Christ for His wonderful salvation. May all glory, honor, and praises be given to our Father in Heaven.

Remembering Dad -- a father who made mistakes but eventually became a "New Creation"

Although Dad has passed away for many years, he is still in my heart. My Dad betrayed my Mom and had a son with another woman when I was one year old. Mom was helpless in changing his mind. Using Grandma’s “two girls in a row ...” as a excuse, Dad made his mistress his concubine and broke Mom's heart. I became Mom's confidant as she instilled the concept of being an independent woman who would never rely on my husband.

Strive to be Accepted

Even though Dad betrayed Mom, she still desire his love and acceptance. It was evident from my preschool photo (having a boy's haircut and wearing a jumpsuit) that Mom was still concerned about being able to give birth to a son. She took risk of pregnancy disregarding her doctor's warning. After nine years of trying, she finally gave Dad a son to regain his love. At the same time, I worked hard to compete with boys. I tried to find affirmation with good grades and good behaviors so to please my Dad and Grandma, and to make Mom proud.

However, in spite of human efforts, despite the apparent peace of mind, nobody can break the tradition of favoring boys over girls, make up for the infidelity in the marriage contract, and heal the wound of being rejected. I can't believe that I am valuable, and love can last.

After the marital storm, my parents tried to live a normal family life, and finally they had a son. My younger brother brought happiness to my parents. But their good times didn't last long. In his thirties, Dad lost his son (my half-brother). In his fifties, he lost his wife (my mother). He felt deeply guilty about his two wives and children through pain and suffering.

I don't understand why Dad has to go through so much pain. In his generation, people can marry many wives. He desperately wanted to treat them fairly but that was impossible. I still remember an occasion when he was drunk, he tearfully advised my cousins: "Don't marry two wives! One is enough!"

Jesus heals my wound

Unhealthy thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are often passed down from generation to generation. The tragedy of my family of origin helped me understand the dark and struggling side of human nature. Although I have always loved my father, I have hated him. When I became a young mother, the tragedy of my parents became the shadow behind my relationship with my husband, which made me both over sensitive and insecure.

In 1989, I realized that I am a new creation. God's love and faithfulness healed my wounds, helped me to accept my past, and forgive those who had hurt me, especially Dad. I am most grateful to find out that he had already believed in the Lord before he died in 1986. This news brought me unexpected peace and great comfort, thanking God for the wonderful salvation of Jesus Christ!

I am sharing my family secrets on Father's Day because I could imagine that if Dad is still alive, he would share his failures and weaknesses without the fear of losing face. He would share how the Lord Jesus Christ healed his sorrowful and contrite heart. In retrospect, Dad still tried to correct the terrible mistakes he made in an unhealthy cultural environment, trying to be a good husband and a good father: providing for both families, sharing dinner with my mother and us four nights a week, taking us to parks, movies, restaurants, and sending me to college in the United States. 

After making his share of mistakes, he repented and became a responsible person.  This has affected me deeply to help couples deal with marital crisis today. I can't rewrite history, but I can say, "Dad, I love you! How glad I am that you and I have a new life given by the Lord Jesus Christ!"

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Hoping Is Not A Hopeless Endeavor

Happy Easter! Christ is Risen Indeed!

Years ago, I did not know how I could ever repair my marriage with James while we kept on arguing who had the right way of raising our 5-years-old son. Today, I have the privilege, honor and pleasure to hold our fifth grandbaby, and to read to and play with four older grandkids. Who could have imagined?

Thank God for giving me hope when I felt so hopeless! And that's why I believe in Hope!

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible." - Anonymous

Having a healthy dose of hope can be motivating and inspiring. It keeps people focused on what's ahead instead of what's in the past. It can also help keep the focus on possibilities, and reframe obstacles as opportunities.

For some, however, being hopeful goes hand-in-hand with feeling naive or foolish when things don't work out as planned. They would rather not have hope at all if it means later disappointment.

But for others, having hope doesn't mean living in denial of life's difficulties; it simply reminds them there are better times ahead.

The Benefits of Hope

Research indicates that it's more beneficial to have hope than not. Hopeful people tend to show more resilience when faced with difficulties. They have healthier lifestyle habits and, on the whole, are more successful, personally and professionally.

According to the Mayo Clinic, having a hopeful, positive attitude has health benefits as well. These include:

• Increased life span
• Reduced depression
• Lowered levels of distress
• Increased resistance to the common cold
• Greater emotional and psychological well-being
• Decreased risk of death from cardiovascular disease
• Improved coping skills during difficulties/stress

In addition, people with hope typically have:

• Meaningful long- and short-term goals
• A plan to achieve those goals
• Flexibility to find alternate ways to achieve goals when faced with obstacles
• Positive self-talk

We human beings are sometimes too inventive for our own good -- we can envision a future course of action along with every potential catastrophe that could occur along the way. Being aware of everything that can go wrong often makes doing nothing -- in an attempt to avoid failure or pain -- seem like a viable option.

Cultivating hope, on the other hand, helps activate creativity and inventiveness and prompts us to solve the predicaments we face by taking action in spite of our fears.

Hope brings with it the belief that things can change for the better. Regardless of how dire things may seem, there is potential for a positive outcome.

Is It Possible to Be Too Hopeful?

It could be said that optimists have a healthy dose of hope while "extreme optimists" suffer from blinding hope. They want nothing to do with bad news.

Researchers at Duke University found that extreme optimists (you could call them "high-hopers") don't save money, don't pay off credit cards and don't make long-term plans, but they are more likely to remarry if divorced.

Moderation, as usual, is the key. The researchers also found that "moderate optimists" tend to:

• Work harder
• Work longer hours
• Make more money
• Save more money
• Pay off credit cards

Being a moderate high-hoper doesn't mean keeping your head in the sand when it comes to life's occasional unpleasant circumstances. It just means keeping a positive attitude -- believing the best will happen, not the worst.

In other words, whether you expect the best or the worst from life, chances are that's what you'll get.

Studies seem to suggest that being hopeful is a skill that can be learned. So whether you're an extreme optimist, an extreme pessimist or somewhere in between, there is hope for us all.

A Different Kind of Hope in Christ

I came to know a different kind of hope in 1989 when I entrusted my life to Christ. Ultimately, hope does not disappoint the followers of Christ, not because Christians are "moderate high-hopers," but because Christian hope is grounded in the promises of God. Consider Abraham's story:

"He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform." (Romans 4:20-21)

What are you hoping for? Are you in a seemingly hopeless situation? You are not alone!

As a counselor, I try to understand your pains and suffering although I can never completely understand you. As a workshop leader, teacher, coach and writer, I try to share what I have learned. We all have to face problems on earth; but the Risen Christ already has victory over sin and death. I am called to be a Marriage & Family therapist and a pastor's wife because I believe there is Real Hope in Christ.

"If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied." (1 Corinthians 15:19)

Life is not easy. Are you hurt, disappointed and angry today? Please share a prayer request with me. I may not have time to write back but I will take time to pray for you and with you. I will keep things confidential. I know it is between you and God but you might want someone to pray with you.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23)

May our Risen Lord Jesus Christ give you peace and hope!

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Making Sleep a Priority

Over the last half a century, we have shaved off an average of two (precious) hours of sleep a night. According to a National Sleep Foundation poll a few years ago, 40 percent of adults say they get less than seven hours of sleep on a weeknight, compared with the seven to nine hours that are recommended.

Of course, most of us know this. We burn the midnight oil, we get up way before the kids just to get things done. Our days are go, go, go! And it’s often hard to stay asleep once we get there.

And while most of us know that too little sleep makes us cranky, less focused and less available to those who need us, did you know this?

• Bodies deprived of sleep produce less leptin, an appetite-regulating hormone; this increases our craving for sweets and salty carbohydrates.

• Shortened sleep produces metabolic changes. These may lead to diabetes or may alter the nervous system in a way that could contribute to high blood pressure and heart-rhythm irregularities.

• Insomnia substantially increases the risk of developing depression.

In short, not getting enough rest can affect both our mental and physical health much more than we thought. Here are some DOs and DON’Ts that will help you get healthful, renewing sleep more often.

DO structure your sleep. Try to go to bed and arise at the same times every day. Irregular hours can throw off the internal biological clock.

DO create a soothing bedtime routine. Watching the news or reading the latest page-turner are not good sleepinducers. Meditation or soothing music helps to end the day.

DON’T work, eat or watch TV in bed. Keep your bedroom for sleep. DO keep it quiet, dark and cool, and your feet warm. However, within five minutes of waking, expose yourself to bright light.

DON’T exercise or eat heavily within several hours of bedtime. Both energize the body. However, DO exercise in the late afternoon or early evening. This reduces tension and makes falling asleep easier.

DO avoid stimulants and alcohol late in the day. Caffeine, nicotine, sugary snacks and alcohol all can cause wakefulness.

DO head off potential anxieties at the bedroom door. Make lists of chores or tasks for the next day, and/or gather things you will need. (It’s like laying out your kid's school clothes!) If worries keep you awake, write your concerns down and list possible solutions already swimming in your head without analyzing them.

DON’T look at your clock if you wake up in the night. Figuring how much sleep you’re missing intensifies the wee-hours stress of insomnia. Cover your clock, if you need to.

Sleep is important for human beings. When Jesus came to earth, the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. During His physical stay on earth, Jesus slept, ate, grew, moved around, talked, served ... and prayed ... I love this story in Bible:

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. (Mark 4:37-39)

Do you have a habit of staying up late and waking up early to do things on your own? How do you feel when nobody around you seems to care?

If you feel stressed, anxious, frustrated, lonely and terrified, you are not alone!

I felt the same until I found real safety and security in Christ. We all face pressure and challenges of life; but I trust that Jesus loves me and will never leave me nor abandon me. By nature we all want to fix problems and make things better on our own. But who is really in control?

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

The Road Ahead: What Will You Do Differently This Year?

Happy New Year! What's your New Year resolution for 2019?

It is January 19th. Although I haven't completed my resolution, I am thinking about it everyday, paying attention to life's surprises, twists and turns. That reminds me of Christmas Eve 2018.

After celebrated with James' extended family in San Francisco, we left his sister's house around 11:30 p.m. The heavy rain earlier that day seemed to have stopped. There were almost no traffic in front of us. From the rear-view mirror, I could see headlights of cars still a distance away. I felt peace and calm of Silence Night as James and I enjoyed each other's company.

All in a sudden, I noticed a police car speeding into the freeway. Who is he going to chase? When the police car started to zigzag across the freeway from right to left to right to left ... I was alarmed. Something is wrong!

I slowed down and moved to the right-most lane, preparing to exit if necessary. From the rear-view mirror, I saw many cars rushing towards us. Will everyone slow down? I worried about being trapped on the freeway and I was scared of being rear-ended.

I wanted to immediately get off the freeway on the next exit, any exit. But I heard James' calm voice. "The police are trying to keep us safe. It is unsafe to be on unfamiliar roads in the dark. Just slow down and follow the traffic."

The police kept zigzagging until finally all cars stopped behind a barricade of police cars. I quickly took a picture. All we could do was to watch, pray and wait. Thank God that we did not have to wait for a long time. Life's ups and downs are not so scary when we have travel companions and sound advice!

As I am still pondering on what to do and what not to do in 2019, I can rest because I know God loves me and cares about me. How about you? What will you do differently this year? Here are some tips to proceed.

The Road Ahead: What Will You Do Differently This Year?

Changing the way things are done can bring opportunities for great success. But reaction to change may be fearful and irrational, which can result in failures, a decrease in quality and a loss of productivity and production. When it comes to family, work, business and ministry, it can be tempting to give in to those anxieties by doing what's always been done. But priming the pump to have a better year always involves some form of adjustment to free up the time, money and energy to tackle new opportunities.

How do you decide what changes are the most important ones to make?

Ask yourself these questions:

1. What personal and business toleration interfered with your personal and work progress? Having to tolerate something or someone may mean you believe there is no choice, so you just bite your tongue and grind your teeth. Toleration is a good indication of issues in need of resolution.
2. Were last year's goals reached? Why or why not? How will those obstacles be addressed? Setting new goals without having evaluated the previous year's goals can result in a cycle of substandard results.
3. What fiscally responsible goal (e.g. making more money, collaborating, creating new products/services, improved marketing strategy, etc.) will also be fun? All work and no play make Jack a dull (and bored) boy, as the saying goes.
4. How about relationship goal (e.g. rekindle your love, get along with your teenager, play with your kid, enjoy your family) that will bring joy to your life?
5. Ask yourself questions about self-care (e.g. diet and exercise) and other areas of your life. Focus on what really matters in your life, when all is said and done.

What do you need to change to have a better year?

Choose passion over profit. Connect to your bigger purpose in life, work, business and ministry and the rewards will flow effortlessly. Passionate people attract success.

Higher learning. Technology changes fast. Staying on top of what's working now is only half the battle. Discovering what's up and coming and leveraging that knowledge is the key to an exceptional year. Are there something new that you could learn with your spouse, kids, friends and colleagues?

Celebrate success. Acknowledging and rewarding success keeps everyone motivated. Mark those mini-milestones with celebration and recognition!

Add, don't subtract. In business, when repeat clients stop buying your products or services, something needs to change. Instead of cutting prices, add value instead--bundle existing services/products, add bonuses or create new offerings. At home, when your family members are not talking to each other, something is wrong. Instead of pretending that all is well (e.g. "we never argue"), learn to listen attentively and talk assertively to engage them with respect and care.

What are your blind spots?

Every driver has blind spots. That's what rear-view mirrors are for. Blind spots in the family, church, work and business environment can be harder to identify. In a factory, how does a person avert disaster in a work environment without the benefit of mirrors? 

Ask around. Getting honest feedback from family and church members, clients, customers and service providers can be as uncomfortable as it is invaluable. Do it anyway.

Coffee time. Chat up a friend, family member, co-worker or colleague and encourage them to share their observations about what you are doing well and what needs improvement. Sometimes what needs to change is missed because it is so "obvious."

Seek professional help. Getting an objective outsiders opinion can help you see what is going well or not.

Moving into the New Year doesn't have to be a scary proposition. Having a clear sense of what's ahead can circumvent failure and create a successful year. Anxious of changing? Fear of taking risks? Try your best and leave the outcome to God.

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  (James 4:13-15)

I'm not saying you need to change for the sake of changing. Just take some time periodically to take stock of your life. Let me know how I can pray for you. May the Lord show you His will, His way, and His timing in this New Year!

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Saving Ourselves from Self-Sabotage

When he was a boy, Stan vowed he’d never be a father like his own father—aloof, critical and emotionally unavailable. Yet, 30 years later, he catches himself treating his son harshly and constantly judging him for not measuring up.

Patricia loves her job and her boss. The only thorn is that her boss prizes punctuality and Patricia just can’t seem to be on time for anything, whether it’s a team meeting or that project that was due last week.

What Stan and Patricia have in common is the all-too-common disease called self-sabotage. It eats away inside, creating a cycle of self-destruction with the result that we aren’t really living the life we want for ourselves, nor the life that God intends us to have.

Self-sabotage “hides inside us and toils against our best interest. If we don’t succeed in identifying and owning this sinister part, we can never be free,” says Stanley Rosner, author of The Self-Sabotage Cycle: Why We Repeat Behaviors That Create Hardships and Ruin Relationships.

Numerous studies show that women are more prone to lower self-esteem and self-doubting thoughts. This leads to self-sabotaging behavior, according to author Nancy Good. In her book Slay Your Own Dragons: How Women Can Overcome Self-Sabotage in Love and Work, she lists several signs of self-defeating behavior that women (and men) can recognize:

1. Being overly passive, fearful, listless or indecisive, so that chances pass us by.

2. Having a chronically chaotic financial situation.

3. Being controlled by depression and anxiety.

4. Being controlled by compulsive behaviors to abuse alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, physical exercise, etc. Being compulsively late. Expressing anger inappropriately.

5. Being mistreated by partners and spouses. Being stuck in an unhappy relationship but doing nothing to change the situation. Having a series of unsatisfying relationships.

Recognizing self-defeating thoughts and behavior is the first step to change. Many experts agree that to change the behavior, people must change their thinking. Therefore, the first step is to observe ourselves and our thoughts.

The next step is to take responsibility for our thoughts and behavior—so that we control them and they stop controlling us. If we accept that we are doing this to ourselves, we can also understand that we have the option to change.

Self-observation is a powerful tool against the behaviors that defeat us. For example, Stan could take his son fishing and be careful to be positive and to stay silent when he feels a criticism rising in his throat. To do this, he would first have to decide that a good relationship with his son was more important that being “right.”

Setting a goal is the next step. Without blame or shame, choose one behavior to change. For example, Patricia could decide not to be late anymore. To do this, she would have to decide that something was more important than being late—a job she loves, for example. One tactic might be to write a positive affirmation each night in a journal, or set her clock an hour early, or enlist a friend to call her for a week, reminding her to walk out the door. After a while, the rewards of being on time could become greater than the self-defeating cycle of being late.

It’s not easy to change patterns of self-sabotage, but with time and practice—and a good dose of self-love—it is possible to end a self-defeating cycle and live the life we truly want for ourselves.

Jesus knew our circumstances and conditions. He knows the human hearts, and he came to save us. That's why he told His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)

Are you struggling with the ups and downs of life? How have you been sabotaging yourself? Write me if you wanted to get some help and prayers.

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Listening to Our Bodies They Know More than We Do!

Belated Happy New Year! I'm so glad I can write you today. I had no idea I would catch a cold/flu the first week of the year. In order to get well, I had to cancel my appointments, ask someone for support, drink chicken soup, take it easy and rest.

By the grace of God, I recovered in a week and was able to resume my work, including giving two presentations. I am so grateful for my health!

The body holds much of the information we need to function at our best, but too often we ignore its messages and plow ahead with what our minds tell us. Perhaps because we’re not taught from early on to pay attention to internal messages as well as external demands, we frequently ignore our body’s communications.

So we take another extra-strength aspirin rather than investigating what’s causing our head to ache. We use more caffeine or sugar to give us a lift when we feel tired, rather than hearing our body’s message about needing rest or recognizing our fatigue as an early symptom of burnout we’d do well to heed. A look at little children may be all the message we need about the value of naps.

We fail to take into account the thousand little messages communicated to us by how we’re holding ourselves: the mouth that’s pinched and tight rather than relaxed. The fact that our shoulders are up around our ears, the knot of tension in our stomach as we promise to do something when closer consideration might tell us we are already over-extended.

Take Time to Grieve

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4).

In the aftermath of terrible tragedies—be they our own or a nation’s—we cannot ignore or hurry grief.

Grief is a complex process that takes many forms. When a mass tragedy occurs, not only do we grieve for the victims, but we also re-grieve from previous losses we’ve suffered. And when a parent dies, we grieve the past that dies, too. When a spouse dies, the present disappears. A child who dies takes a parent’s future with him.

Some say that the passage of time is the great emotional healer. In fact, it’s what you do with that time that is important.

When my mother suddenly passed away in 1975 at age 48, I wanted to be brave. I knew Mom would not want me to be sad, so I did not even go to Hong Kong for her funeral. I focused on completing my studies at Berkeley. After all, that's our plan. Mom wanted me to be successful in a new world, and I dreamed of one day buying her a big house and traveling with her around the world. I tried to move on, but part of me died with her. It was years later when I finally took time to grieve my loss.

The Feelings

During grief it is common to have many conflicting feelings: sorrow, anger, loneliness, anxiety, even guilt. Experiencing waves of these strong and often confusing emotions can make us feel out of control. In an attempt to regain a sense of control, we may deny the feelings.

Relieve Stress Through Creativity

Busy? Stressed? Too many things happening? Not everything under your control? You are not alone!

Jessica is a high school English teacher. Her job entails stressful interactions with administration and students in addition to the pressures of lesson planning and grading.

On days off, she prioritizes creative pursuits. She makes collages out of artifacts from world travels to Turkey and South America. She takes dance classes. Photography provides another way to untangle her mind from the pressures of daily teaching work.

Jessica says that creativity gives her a chance to play—to do something where the stakes are low and there’s no judgment. “Without these creative outlets I would be a lot less fun in the classroom and less open to the whimsical creativity of my students,” she says. “I’d definitely be more stressed out and wouldn’t enjoy teaching so much.”

As Jessica’s story shows, in a fast-paced world, creativity can be a fantastic stress relief tool. Whether we make collages, plant a garden, toss paint onto a canvas, or play the guitar—stress tends to go out the window when we let our creativity run wild.

Why Incorporate Creativity into our Daily Lives?
According to Ruth Richards, author of Everyday Creativity, creativity is necessary and attainable for everyone. It is “one of the most powerful capacities we have, bringing us alive in each moment, affecting our health and well-being, offering richness and alternatives in what we do, and helping us move further in our creative and personal development.”

Making Sleep a Priority

Over the last half a century, we have shaved off an average of two (precious) hours of sleep a night. According to a National Sleep Foundation poll a few years ago, 40 percent of adults say they get less than seven hours of sleep on a weeknight, compared with the seven to nine hours that are recommended.

Of course, most of us know this. We burn the midnight oil, we get up way before the kids just to get things done. Our days are go, go, go! And it’s often hard to stay asleep once we get there.

And while most of us know that too little sleep makes us cranky, less focused and less available to those who need us, did you know this?   

•  Bodies deprived of sleep produce less leptin, an appetite-regulating hormone; this increases our craving for sweets and salty carbohydrates.

•  Shortened sleep produces metabolic changes. These may lead to diabetes or may alter the nervous system in a way that could contribute to high blood pressure and heart-rhythm irregularities.

•  Insomnia substantially increases the risk of developing depression.

In short, not getting enough rest can affect both our mental and physical health much more than we thought. Here are some DOs and DON’Ts that will help you get healthful, renewing sleep more often.

An “Exercise” in Vitality - The Missing Ingredient in Vital, Vibrant Living

Human beings do not like to be controlled by others. In 1776, the American colonists fought the British to became an independent country. We celebrate the independence of the United States on the Fourth of July.

While some people are thinking BBQ, road trips and fireworks, others are dealing with worries and concerns of this world. It seems that we are trapped in a world wide web of terrorism and catastrophes.

How do you feel reading the news about Brexit, Istanbul airport bombing, West Virginia flooding, California wild fires, shooting, killing and accidents everywhere? Just now I heard the breaking news about Gunmen attacking and holding hostages at a restaurant in a diplomatic zone, that was supposed to be the safest area in Dhaka, Bangladesh.

Can we really shield and shelter our next generation from these troubles in the world? How can we raise them to become mature and independent adults?

One thing we can do is to live through the ups and downs of life by trusting God who sent His Son Jesus Christ to save us.

Even as Christians, our love of independence often causes us to forget the truth that we cannot live or do anything without God, even exercise!

Coping with a Loved One's Mental Illness

Last Saturday, I heard the testimony of a father whose teenage son committed suicide in early 2015 after suffering clinical depression. He was in Taiwan on a business trip when his wife called and said their son was unstable. He flew back and saw his son. But on the following day, the 17 years old killed himself at home.

This was a case that the parents did not see the tragedy coming. Their son seemed happy, did well in school, had friends, and was involved in many activities. You could imagine the questions the dad asked himself and God. Questions such as

(1) Where did my son go since he stopped going to church in high school?
(2) Why do so many people with depression attempt suicide?
(3) How to look at a life that ended short?
(4) What's really important in life?
(5) What could parents do differently while they still have time?

Having comforted by God through his grief and loss, this father stood in front of hundreds to share his testimony, hoping to raise awareness of clinical depression which is a real sickness and an unseen killer. He described depression like a balloon losing air. The life force was let out. A person suffering depression is often tormented by repeated negative and destructive thoughts. In this day and age, through the Internet, everyone is constantly exposed to and bombarded by information which might induce negative thoughts about oneself, the world, and our future every day!

Witnessing the suffering of a loved one can be one of the most difficult situations we face. Among other things, we may feel powerless, frustrated and frightened. That’s true whether the suffering originates from a physical illness or injury, addiction or self-destructive activity.

When a loved one suffers a debilitating, persistent and chronic mental illness, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, those feelings can be compounded. Strange, unpredictable behaviors can be terrifying and confusing. Your loved one may suddenly rage at you with blame or be utterly dependent upon you for basic needs and emotional stability.

You may experience many confusing emotions yourself, including anger, grief, guilt, fear and sadness. As you struggle with each episode of illness and worry about the future, you may feel anxious and overwhelmed.

Unfortunately, since serious mental illness still carries a stigma, you may be keeping it a secret, resulting in increased isolation, frustration and difficulty because you may have no one to talk to about your feelings or no way to get information and support.

How Well Do You Maintain Balance?

It's hard to believe January 2016 is almost over! I set many goals for myself (e.g. getting organized). I wanted to start a new blog (and I did), get into a new exercise routines ...

Of course there was also that piece of furniture to be moved so to clear out space. Although James got help from a friend, I was there by their side to help. I only helped a little but I hurt my back!

Living and working in the Silicon Valley could be quite stressful. There are so much to do in every area of our lives. Many of us like excitements yet sometimes we are tired and wish life would be less stressful, less hectic, and more predictable (not in a boring way), more peaceful, and in other words, more restful.

Overcoming Overwhelm By Coming Back To Ourselves

December 8, 2015

Not ready for Christmas and New Year? Having too much to do at home, work or church? Stressed out by all the bad news in the world?

Wait! Don't forget that Jesus is the reason for this season. Matthew 1:23 reads, "The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel" (which means "God with us").

How would your life be different trusting that God loves you and is with you all the time? How about taking a new perspective and alternative?

Music: A Soothing Balm For Stress

June 23, 2015

What roles does music play in your life?

I always love music. In Hong Kong, I tried to audition for my high school choir, which was very esteemed. I was so nervous I could not sing. I stopped singing for many years.

In September 2001, I joined the CCCMIW (i.e. Chinese Christian Church Music Institute for Worship) choir in the San Francisco Bay Area. Our conductor Dr. Richard Lin is a servant of the Lord by example and exhortation. I still remembered Dr. Lin's words such as "We are offering worship, not performance. Song leading is not preaching. And our purpose of praise and worship is to lead people to the throne of God."

In the next few years, I also participated in CCCMIW summer camps to improve my singing and learn how to lead singspiration and to select hymns and praise songs that match the sermons. He taught us worship as a heart issue. "Worship is to magnify the Lord. The hearts of song leaders and choir members need to be moved first before they can bring others to receive, enjoy, and feel the presence of our Lord."

Dr. Richard Lin went to be with the Lord on May 21, 2015. In my Chinese Article, you can read more about my experience learning from Dr. Lin, and how our son and I got to sing Messiah in Mandarin with Dr. Lin's choir in the summer of 2003.

Music still plays a very important role in my life. When visiting our son's family recently, I observed my granddaughter's violin lessons. Then I was tasked by her Mommy to help her practice every morning using a fun system. The little girl loved it when I accompanied her at the piano!

I still love to sing and now I can play many hymns and worship songs. Almost every week I play the piano or keyboard so that someone (e.g. my mother-in-law or a small group) can sing. When I am stressed, I listen to music, especially songs such as "God will make a way" by Don Moen.

Go, Go, Go... On A Break. It's Important!

August 26, 2014

Summer is almost over! Do you feel refreshed and rested after the break, or are you feeling even more stressed out with additional activities, even vacations?

Nowadays everyone seems to be busy and stressed. I am shocked and saddened by the news that Robin Williams (the funny guy!) got so depressed that he took his own life at age 63. It motivates me to continue to help people, one person at a time, by the Grace of God.

In today's "go, go, go" society, we idealize the pink Energizer Bunny® that beats his drum non-stop. As the battery commercial says, "He keeps going and going and..."

Are You Worth It? You Decide Who Decides

November 14, 2013

I was blessed by the FICF "Renewing Gender Relations - Living Out the Fullness in Christ" National Conference. It was my honor to be one of the speakers. As the organizers prayed, the Lord has used this conference (the first of this kind) to bring enlightenment, encouragement, purpose, and even healing. May God receive all glory and honor!

It was wonderful to run into old friends and meet new people from all over the United States, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Malaysia, and Cambodia. There were males and females, OBCs, ABCs and Caucasians. Being tri-lingual, I wished I could be in multiple rooms at the same time to hear different speakers.

After the closing ceremony, I stayed with other woman ministers for a special time with Rev. & Mrs. Maak (Mai XiZhen in ping yin).  Mrs. Maak shared her wisdom and experience and encouraged us -- Mandarin speaking woman ministers/pastors, seminarians, and pastor's wives. I was inspired by their life stories as a couple who are still serving the Lord together in their old age. The Lord has blessed them and they are sharing their blessings.

Growing up in a family where my grandmother disapproved of my mom and me, I was freed from bondage with the Truth in God's Word, "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27).

If you know someone who keeps on thinking he or she is unworthy, please forward this feature article, Are You Worth It? You Decide Who Decides. 

Embrace Fun and Play in Your Lives

October 23, 2013

I have to finish this newsletter fast -- too many things are going on and I am feeling stressed. I don't like to stress myself out, so I set my goal to do something fun when I'm done.

Whether you like it or not, kids like to play. Indeed play brings pleasure. When counseling kids at public school, I often asked about their favorite period at school. Many kids (especially boys) answered "recess" - it is really sad to see kids having less and less time for unstructured play.

Have you seen kids staring at their homework for hours but going nowhere? Instead of scolding, lecturing, threatening, yelling, and nagging, try to look beyond the surface symptoms and understand what's happening inside them. Is there any truth to it when they complain about school, homework and activities? 

Often times, playing, laughing, and having fun put people at ease. Children of all ages (including youths and adults) can best focus their energy on learning, growing and performing when they feel emotionally secured. The reason so many people love working in the Silicon Valley is that it is actually fun and stimulating to work on high-tech stuff. When things are going well, you could "work" forever because you feel the excitement and pleasure. However, if the deadline is coming and your boss is breathing down your neck, you probably could not concentrate. If you have a demanding boss or co-workers, the pain might even cause you to avoid going to work by calling in sick. Similarly, our kids might lose interest in school if there's no fun.

Whether you need to work harder or play more, I just want to help put things into perspective. Do you remember the last time you were really having fun? Have your kids been complaining about school, homework and activities?