Good News with Great Joy

Ever since I got sick, my grandchildren have been careful not to tire me out when they come to visit. Although my heart wanted to play many games with them and read one book after another to them, I was more aware of my limitation.

So that night, when my three youngest grandkids came, after playing one game of Chinese Checkers with them, I was happy that the older two wanted to read by themselves. I asked the youngest whether she wanted to play with NaiNai and she nodded happily. That's because she usually could only be my assistant to move marbles when I played with her older siblings.

Since there were only two of us, I slowed down and took the opportunity to explain the rules of the Chinese checkers game step by step. She chose the red marbles and I chose the white marbles. I asked her to place the marbles on the chessboard in their respective positions, and then asked her to make the first move.

"Remember, when it's your turn, you can move your marble by walking or jumping over another marble. You can do this, and you can do this. Give it a try."

She took action timidly, then smiled.

"You can move your marble by jumping over another marble to go farther. Watch how NaiNai jumps."

She tried jumping over another marble, but it was random, not in a straight line.

"See how these marbles jump off and form different lines? When a marble jumps, it has to stay in the same line. Like this."

Starting where one of the marbles was, I moved her finger along the lines, one line at a time.

"When you jump over another marble, you need to count how many holes there are on each side to make sure the marble lands in the right place. If there are one, two, or three holes here, there should be one, two, or three holes there. Count the holes."

After learning a simple jump, I went on to teach her how to jump over many marbles in a row, taking advantage of every marble she could jump over along the way. She happily jumped from one side of the board to the other, jumping as far as she could. Watching her count holes or try to stay in a straight line, I knew she understood.

At a good moment, I continued to show her how to jump the marble backwards, thus taking a different route. It's not that easy to learn, so I don't force it on her and just let her choose to walk or jump, as long as the marble can move. I also deliberately slowed down, walking one step at a time, and not jumping too far at once. The four years old is enjoying this game, and we have a lot of fun together. 

Finally, when she moved her last marble to the final target, she excitedly raised her arms and shouted, "I won! I won!" Then, she looked at me and added, "With your help."

"With my help?"

She smiled and nodded: "With your help, I won!"

Sometimes I get frustrated that things don’t go as planned because I’m sick and can’t pick up the pace. But in this precious moment, my little granddaughter taught me a valuable lesson. Because, my "slow" pace can bring the joy of success to a little girl.

"Dear Lord Jesus Christ, with your help, I am still alive. Thank you for saving me and giving me new life. Thank you for helping me from feeling lonely or afraid in difficult situations. You are with me every step of the way as I take the path of grace.”

"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.' " (Luke 2:8-11)

Count Your Blessings

My husband James plays the harmonica, but prefers to whistle. Whether it’s a hymn, an old pop song, or a movie theme song, he can whistle a beautiful melody anytime, anywhere. During weekly family worship with our son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren, because of the small font in the hymnbook and his poor eyesight, James simply closed his eyes and whistled to join our son’s guitar accompaniment. Even when James has never sung a song before, he can often listen and match the tune.

For many years I have envied James who taught himself to play the harmonica and whistles. He makes music with his heart, ears and mouth. Although I have learned pipa, piano and vocal music, I have never been able to whistle; no matter what, I can't even make a sound other than a whirring

In recent months, I have experienced severe pain in my lower back and middle back, including muscle spasms in my chest and ribcage, especially when getting in and out of bed. I had difficulty breathing, rapid heartbeat... and poor sleep quality. I was eventually diagnosed with spinal compression fracture. Severe pain and cramps are caused by every muscle working extremely hard. Eventually I had to wear a special back brace to protect and help my spine heal. I had no strength to do anything.

During this period, James took me to visit family doctor, orthopedics, cardiology, physical therapy, and various types of tests and scans. While leading Bible studies and preaching as usual, he did all the housework. I felt sorry that I had burdened him, and I worried that he would get tired and fall ill. Sometimes I felt very sad and disappointed. I had just retired, moved, and reunited with our son and family. I really didn’t understand why I fell sick at this time. Sometimes I feel resentful and unwilling to lose my health. I am afraid of not having the chance to see my grandchildren grow up.

Thank God that James took care of me without complaint. When I was depressed and felt useless, he would ask me: "Do I have to seek your forgiveness if I am sick?" He also reminded me of our retirement and interstate move, pointing out how the smooth transitions are all by God’s grace and timing. "Think about it, if we were still living in California and you were so seriously ill, would I want to move? Could our son, daughter-in-law and grandkids come to visit you so often?"

Every day, apart from sleeping, eating, receiving treatment, slowly pushing my walker back and forth, and doing simple rehabilitation exercises, I seemed unable to do anything. But when I saw James doing housework step by step with ease, and heard him whistling while he worked, I gradually felt relieved. Yes, things are tough right now, but everyone has difficult times in their lives. Really, I am so grateful to be alive. For my family, for my health, for everything I have, and if the Lord is willing, I want to live well.

I began to recover in peace day by day reading Scripture, praying, enjoying the presence of our Lord Jesus. When I was tired, I would go to bed. If I couldn’t sleep, I would take deep breaths and recite Scriptures. When I woke up, I would listen to hymns or Bible readings, and walk slowly. This is how I realize the Lord’s good will. The Lord’s grace is sufficient for me, and it is new every morning. One day, I told my son that I couldn’t whistle and I could only whir. To show that I really didn't know how, I pursed my lips without thinking, and unexpectedly made a sound. It was incredible.

I continued to practice whistling, and I was able to whistle a simple children's song. Even though it was not tuned well, my grandchildren could still guess what song it was. After a few days, I started to whistle "Count Your Blessings" with lyrics written by Johnson Oatman Jr. and music composed by Edwin O. Excell. Here is the first stanza and the refrain:

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done. 

Refrain:

Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God has done;
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your many blessings, see what God has done."

Do You Have Trust Issues?

Everyone has different levels and styles of trust. For example, a person may trust a family member completely even though no other family members or outsiders are willing to open up to that person.

It can be difficult to trust if you've been hurt—as a child, in a romantic relationship or in a situation that seemed "out of the blue." Rejection, betrayal or abuse are never easy to deal with.

But sometimes we build such a strong wall around ourselves that we miss opportunities to develop wonderful, healthy and lasting relationships with loved ones, friends and colleagues. Answer true or false to the statements below to discover what role mistrust may be playing in your life.

1. I keep my problems to myself and don’t tell others.

2. I don't like to depend on others; they almost always let me down.

3. It’s too risky to reveal my weaknesses to my spouse.

4. I tend to expect the worst from people; that way, I won't be disappointed.

5. People are basically "in it" for themselves. There's no such thing as people doing things for others out of the goodness of their heart.

6. I don't rely on anyone other than myself.

7. I assume my loved one will cheat on me; that's why I have to stay observant.

8. I feel insecure in unknown situations.

9. I make no promises and I don’t ask for them.

10. I've been betrayed before; there's no way I'm letting that happen again.

11. People and situations are never predictable, so it's important to keep my guard up.

12. When it comes to making things happen, I'm on my own; it's all up to me.

13. I know that I am the only one truly committed to my success in life or business.

14. Loyalty never lasts.

15. You might be able to trust people when times are good, but forget it when things become challenging.

16. When my partner isn't around, I feel anxious, worried, even paranoid.

17. When someone becomes interested in me, I feel suspicious.

18. There's no one with whom I feel I can completely be myself.

If you answered true to five or more of the statements, you may want to explore your concerns around trusting others. Remember: trust must be earned. But if you don't give others a chance to earn that trust, you may be missing out on fulfilling relationships and a more supported life.

Do you live in fear or in faith? Now might be a good time to find out what you're afraid of and where this story comes from. Obviously, if you cannot trust others, it may be difficult for you to trust God, rely on Him, and lean on Him from the bottom of your heart; and vice versa. Do you have trust difficulties?

When you read, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6), do you feel disbelief, worry, relief or something else? Are you willing to pray to God to change your habit of “unbelief”?

“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:” (Psalm 37:5) because "blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord; whose confidence is in Him” (Jeremiah 17:7)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Listen to Your Body

The body holds most of the information we need to function optimally, but we often ignore what it is saying and focus only on what our brains are telling us. Perhaps because we are not taught from a young age to focus on balancing internal information with external demands, we neglect the body's communications.

Therefore, we often resort to taking a stronger painkiller instead of investigating what is causing our pain. We use more caffeine or sugar to give us a lift when we feel tired, rather than hearing the message from our body that it needs a break or recognizing fatigue as an early symptom of burnout and paying attention to it. By observing children, we may better understand the importance of taking naps.

We fail to take into account the thousand little messages communicated to us by how we’re holding ourselves: the mouth that’s pinched and tight rather than relaxed. The fact that our shoulders are up around our ears, the knot of tension in our stomach as we promise to do something when closer consideration might tell us we are already over-extended.

These days we’re notorious for putting deadlines ahead of the protests of aching bones or inadequately nourished bellies. Too often, instead of asking our body what it wants, we go for the quick fill-up or the comfort food that may be the last thing we really need.

So how do you give your body an equal say in how you use it?

Start with the breath. Breathing consciously is a major part of body awareness. Thank God for every breath. Turn off thoughts and just let yourself experience the inflow and outflow of breath. Label them, “In. Out. In. Out.” Note how and where you are breathing. Not breathing properly is a clear sign that something important is going on.

Allow yourself quiet time. Sit for ten minutes just observing yourself, even (especially!) in the middle of a busy day. Meditate on Scripture and pray. Take a walk or a nap. Allow time to do nothing. Soak in a hot tub rather than taking a quick shower.

Get a massage. It’s not self-indulgence to be massaged. It wakes up the whole nervous system and helps you tune in.

Use your journal to dialogue with your body. Ask your body how it’s feeling, what it wants, and what’s going on. Give that sore wrist or stiff lower back a voice and let it tell you what its message is.

Eat when hungry, sleep when tired. Take a week and really pay attention to your body’s most basic needs. Do your real rhythms for eating and sleeping conform to the habits you’ve established? If they don’t, change them!

Do a body inventory to relax. Start with your toes and work upwards. Scan your body from the inside. Or try tensing each part slightly, then relaxing it to release residual tension.

Practice mindfulness. Get used to tuning in to your physical self, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing.

Reflect on spiritual truth. Nobody likes to be sick, not even a common cold. Life is short. Being sick interrupts our plans. But isn't there more to life than just our physical wellness and existence?

God uses our families and churches to build us up. The Bible describes the church as the family of God and the body of Christ.

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ... Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many... As it is, there are many parts, but one body... If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it." (1 Corinthians 12:12-27)

If we need to take care of our physical body, isn’t it even more important to take care of the Body of Christ? Are you listening to your body?

I am so grateful to belong to a community filled with love and unity! The hurt caused by my family of origin made me long for a perfect family since I was a child. After believing in the Lord, I realized that God’s family can be different. Of course, local churches in various places will still have problems.  Only by everyone "living in Christ" can a church be transformed into "the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth." (1 Timothy 3:15)

How can we as individuals and as churches be shaped by God? "Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches." (Revelation 2:7,11,17,29; 3:6,13,22)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Tending the Fences: Setting Healthy Boundaries

"Good fences make good neighbors." This is a line from a poem by American poet Robert Frost.

Likewise, good personal boundaries make for good relationships. Boundaries are those invisible lines of protection you draw around yourself. They let people know your limits on what they can say or do around you. Healthy boundaries give you freedom in relating to others. Make them too solid and you build walls, too weak and you allow other’s actions to harm you.

It’s not always clear where our boundaries are or need to be. Recognizing and studying the signs of ignored or ineffective boundaries is a good place to start, as these “symptoms” give clues to the needed boundary. See if any of the following ring true for you.

Aloofness and distance. When you are unwilling or fearful of opening your space to others, or when you build walls to insure that others don’t invade your emotional or physical space, this may be a defense against cruel behavior, abuse or neglect that you allowed to happen. A person with healthy boundaries draws a line over which they will not allow anyone to cross. They recognize their right to say, “No!”

Habitual aggressiveness. This kind of attitude declares, “I dare you to come too close!” and is often the result of anger over a past violation or ignoring of your physical or emotional space by others. Healthy boundaries mean you are able to speak up when your space has been violated, leaving you free to trust that you can assertively protect yourself to ensure you are not hurt.

Over-enmeshment.  In some groups, the rule of interactions is that everyone must do everything together, and everyone must think, feel and act in the same way, without deviation from group norms. Healthy boundaries acknowledge that you have the right to explore your own interests, hobbies and outlets. 

Invisibility. The goal here is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated. Healthy boundaries are in effect when you stand up for yourself—be visible, be heard—so that others can learn to respect your rights, needs and personal space.

Dissociation. If you experience “blank out” or “go away” during stressful emotional events, it results in your being out of touch with your feelings and unable to assert your limits. Healthy boundaries allow you to assertively protect yourself from further violation or hurt, and to choose to end relationships with those who will not respect them. With healthy boundaries, you can begin to feel your feelings again.

Smothering and lack of privacy. When another is overly concerned about your needs and interests, or when nothing you think, feel or do is your own business, it can be intrusive into your emotional and physical space, leaving you feeling overwhelmed or like you are being strangled. Healthy boundaries ask that others respect your uniqueness, your choices, your autonomy. 

Applying Boundaries

Once we see where our limits need to be clarified or put into place, we can begin to install fence posts or patch holes, to keep unwanted critters out. Here are some strategies for applying limits when your boundaries are intruded upon:

•  Calm yourself and take deep breaths.

•  Remind yourself of your right to set limits.

•  In a firm and composed manner, tell the other person how you feel.

•  Communicate clearly what your limits are, especially when you are extending a new boundary.

•  Ask the other person to respect your boundaries.

•  Make decisions about the relationship according to how the other person responds to your request.

Our kids and teenagers need boundaries and structures so that they can learn self-control and grow into taking ownership of more and more responsibilities. Choices all have natural and logical consequences. By respecting personal boundary, young people can earn their freedom and experience the reality of living in this world. So, in daily living, it is always important to differentiate between what you would do for yourself, what others would do for themselves, and what they really need help with.

Boundaries are fences, not walls. They shouldn't be too tight or too loose, just make your boundaries well known and apply them consistently. Good personal boundaries really help in building good relationships, personal growth and the building up of the other person. May all parents, relying on the grace and wisdom of our Lord Jesus, teach by example and by words, and guide their children to establish healthy boundaries amidst the impact of cultural turmoil.

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load." (Galatians 6:1-5)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

May All Couples of the World Become Lovers in the End

I remember that year. I was an undergraduate student at the University of California, Berkeley, majoring in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. On the first day of one course, every tiered seating in the vast lecture hall was filled. I was sitting near the left entrance and busily taking notes. Suddenly, the door of the right entrance was opened, and an Asian came in. Arrogantly, that person walked behind the professor from the right to the left side of the lecture hall, went up three steps, passed several classmates, and sat down. With a clean and square face, thick hair over ears, a white, yellow and brown shirt and white bell bottom trousers, I couldn't tell whether that was a male or a female.

When the bell rang for the end of class, TW, a classmate, caught up with me from behind and asked about the group project. Suddenly, the other person approached. It turned out that he was the older brother of TW's friend and was about to graduate with a master's degree. This is how I first met my husband James.

The group of four was established. We met for the first time in the I-House dormitory of James for discussion. Suddenly, a girl with long hair came to hug James, and my heart sank. Fortunately, she was his eldest sister. After our project and final exam were completed, James started dating me.

At that time, I had only been studying in the United States from Hong Kong for two years, and I lived with a Caucasian old lady for free room and board. James, on the other hand, immigrated from Taiwan with his parents when he was fifteen. He finished high school in San Francisco and graduated from Berkeley. He was very familiar with the language, environment, and culture. With him caring about me, respecting me, and listening to my broken English, I don't feel alone anymore. What's more, he called every day, drove me to school, took me to dinner after visiting tourist attractions in the Bay Area on the weekend. He loaned me his sisters' magazines and romantic novels. After dating for a month, I met his parents at a restaurant for the first time. I was so impressed seeing them walking hand in hand in their fifties!

Before finishing graduate school, James found a full-time job, and it seemed that our days together would be ending soon. One day, he said on the phone: "If everything turns out fine, I would like to marry you." I quickly replied, "But I don't know how to cook!" He immediately said, "No problem, we can eat out every day." In this way, after only three months of dating, we got married during my summer break. So the lovers of the world finally got married.

After the wedding, we moved into a small apartment near his work to have a little world of our own! I was not good at cooking, so I made American breakfast and sandwich lunch, and spent a few hours cooking my "specialized" Chinese dishes for dinner every day.

One night, I mustered up the courage to ask, "How do you like dinner?"

His silence surprised me. After a long while, he finally said, "Good, but can we have some variety?"

Not good enough? Didn't you say I didn't need to cook? My heart sank to the bottom, and tears flowed inside. No wonder my mother often said, "Marriage is the grave of love; and all men are unreliable."

Has he forgotten? I grew up in a "son patriarchal" environment. My grandmother was dissatisfied with my mother having two daughters in a row. Later, my father had an affair and gave birth to an illegitimate son and took a concubine. As her second daughter, I stood up for my mother by working hard to be strong, independent, unyielding, and relying on myself in everything, until I met him.

In March of the following year, I graduated from college and also became an engineer. We worked hard to make money and advance our careers, but our relationship was getting more and more distant.

A few years later, our son was born. James and I often disagreed about parenting our only son. I was well respected at work, but when I got home I felt useless. Every time I came home with my son after shopping for toys, the serious face of James seemed to accuse me of wasting money and spoiling his child. I couldn't wait for James to speak, so I preemptively said, "I earned the money, so I can spend it as I like!"

James usually remained calm. He avoided conflicts by fleeing the battlefield. The more silent he was, the louder my voice became. Such a vicious circle! In order to prove my worth, I became a "Silicon Valley workaholic." In the middle of the night, I felt hopeless that life was so meaningless. I have been married for thirteen years, and my son is almost six. Is there no other way but divorce?

Thank God that in my desperation, I met my Savior Jesus and became a Christian in 1989. God's  unconditional love unraveled my "being bullied" knot, and healed my anxiety and fear. So I excitedly attended church meetings several times a week. A few months later, James had a serious showdown with me, "You say you are saved, and I can let it be. You used to run away to work, and now you run away to church, still ignoring me and our son. You used to be a workaholic, now you are a church-aholic!..."

It turned out that James was preparing to have a big fight. Unexpectedly, I didn't interrupt at all. After listening to him patiently, I said with tears in my eyes, "You're right. I didn't take your needs into consideration. I was so selfish. I made you angry and disappointed. I'm really sorry, please forgive me." Just like that, we started communicating again.

When I obeyed God, changed myself, and used empathy to understand, accept, and respect James, I realized that he had always loved me silently. To protect me from cults, he accompanied me to church; to find out what I believed, he read the Bible from cover to cover. He and our son soon became Christians, one after the other, showing me God's amazing work!

Not arming ourselves, not avoiding conflict, listening with empathy, sharing each other's observations, thoughts, feelings, needs, and wishes, have brought us closer and blessed our son. James supported me in giving up my leadership position at work in 1995 and becoming a full-time mother. A few months later, he encouraged me to attend seminary. I graduated in 1998 and became a marriage and family therapist in California in 2003. James suggested the name of "Parenting ABC" for the organization I founded!

God's love changes lives. In a blink of an eye, we have been married for decades. Our son has grown up, got married and is raising a family while serving the Lord. Who could have predicted that James and I would become pastor and pastor's wife? Along the way, there are high mountains and low valleys, but we are still connected heart-to-heart and walking hand-in-hand, which is entirely by the grace of God. Conflicts between husband and wife are inevitable. May all couples of the world become lovers in the end.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:1-5)

Winnis Chiang, founder of Parenting ABC and a retired LMFT, is passionate about helping Mandarin- and Cantonese-speaking parents to get along with, enjoy, and positively influence their American-born children.

Recovering from Improper Parenting

Do you believe the Chinese proverb, "Under heaven, there are no parents who do wrong" (in ping yin: "Tian xia wu bu shi de fu mu"). Most of us care so much about our children that we often love them more than ourselves. But I have to point out that there are improper parenting practices in the Chinese culture.

Because parents are usually the first influence in our lives, what we learn or do not learn from them when we're young can have lasting repercussions. Unfortunately, this can translate into many people suffering from the effects of improper parenting.

If not addressed, those effects can be felt for a lifetime, and they include low self-esteem, being drawn into abusive relationships, unhealthy habits or inhibitions and feelings of worthlessness.

Improper parenting can include physical, sexual and verbal abuse, physical and emotional neglect, rejection, favoritism of one sibling over another, lack of discipline, forcing choices on children and being overly protective or indulgent, and of course, favoritism of one gender over another!

Often, people raise their children the way they were raised. So, it's important to heal your own wounds first and learn proper parenting techniques so you don't perpetuate this vicious cycle.

How, then, can we heal from improper parenting to become whole, healthier and happier members of society as well as being better parents to the next generation?

First, it is important to understand that, in an adult, there is still a part that thinks, feels and reacts like a child because, unfortunately, time alone does not heal childhood wounds. In addition, here are some other steps you can take to learn how to nurture and heal the child within:

Embrace the recovery process. Whether you decide to seek pastoral counseling, professional therapy, spiritual guidance, life coaching, or learn coping skills yourself, be aware that the process will take time and effort. Be patient with yourself and don't expect perfection.

Don't blame others. We cannot thrive in the present if we are living in the past or blaming others for our problems and conflicts. Even though we could not control the first years of our life, we also should not blame others for the choices we have made. We have to learn how to take responsibility and work through the traumatic feelings from the past that continue to haunt us in the present.

Identify and remove mental and emotional blocks. Through therapy, journaling or other techniques, it's important to probe the unprocessed issues from childhood that continue to negatively impact you and block you from living the life you want.

Learn new strategies. Realize that the process consists not only of learning the right behaviors, but about being a whole person. That means taking reasonable risks to build your emotional confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. Personally, my mindset and perspective changed when the Holy Spirit spoke to me through the Bible -- the word of God.

Growing up all over again. Essentially, it's almost like going through the growing up process again, but this time in a way that works for you. Self-help books may urge you to learn to rely upon yourself to meet your own needs or get what you feel you have been lacking, but we need a "full of grace" environment to grow. Taking it one step further, we need to be re-parented by someone who is safe and trustworthy. Ultimately, we all need to be re-parented, nurtured and re-shaped by God our Heavenly Father because no parents on earth are perfect.

Forgive. Forgiveness can be a controversial issue. Some regard it as necessary for healing; others say it is not. At heart, forgiveness comes from God and is a process of setting you free. It's not about condoning the way that you were parented, but about understanding the roots of your parents' behavior, letting go of the past, and moving on. Whether or not you decide to forgive your parents, do try to forgive yourself for any choices or behaviors you may regret. You might even reframe any regrets as opportunities for growth and learning.

Share your story. Support groups are an excellent opportunity for you to share your story with others in a safe environment. Listen to others who are also suffering, and pour your heart out to someone who can understand what you are going through or have been through, and you will find that you are not alone because of fellow travelers. Attending church fellowships and small groups on a regular basis could help because we all have one Father in heaven!

It's hard to imagine being a good parent and setting an effective example for our children until we've gone through the recovery process ourselves. However, once we begin to heal and let go of the mistakes our parents made in our childhood, we can not only break negative parenting cycles and become better parents, but better functioning human beings as well. Only by experiencing God's love and truly learning how to love and accept ourselves can we in turn love and accept others.

Thank you God for guiding me to recover from improper upbringing and giving me the opportunity to know my Savior Jesus Christ for who He is: "The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is Himself God and is in closest relationship with the Father, has made Him known." (John 1:14, 18)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Grow Yourself as a Parent

In so many ways, having a child really changed my life. I was forced to grow up even though I was already a software development manager in the Silicon Valley. Having to take care of and develop a little child really got me thinking. My life was transformed when I started finding out what I didn't know. Amazingly, even now, as a grandmother for many years, there is still so much to learn.

How about you? What has your parenting journey been like? No matter where you are on your journey, has it ever occurred to you that you still need some encouragement to face the amazing challenges of parenthood?

Imagine a baby shower where the guests bring a special kind of gift for the new parents. Not baby clothes. Not strollers or cribs. Not even a single book on child-rearing. The gifts for the new parents? Self-awareness, self-love and self-growth as a person, as well as a parent.

If you feel uncomfortable with that last statement because it seems to focus too much on yourself, think twice and consider what Jesus taught in the Bible. “The most important one is this: ‘... Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:29-31).

As a Chinese parent, you probably care more about your child than yourself. Love and caring are good. However, remember the flying safety instruction of putting on our oxygen mask before helping the child or elderly next to us. If you cannot breathe, you cannot help others!

Parenting is one of the -- if not the -- most challenging jobs on the planet. There is the awesome responsibility of raising and guiding another human being, of course. But it's the daily interactions between children and parents that can require almost super-human amounts of flexibility, patience and awareness. All the experts and all the books aren't there when it's your toddler who won't sleep, your school-age daughter who stole a valued toy from her best friend, your depressed teenage son who is desperately searching for answers, or your adult child who can't hold down a job.

At one level, successful -- even joyful -- parenting is about listening to ourselves as well as listening to our children. It's a hands-off approach that brings the focus back to what we are feeling and experiencing, so that we don't unthinkingly rain anger and fear down upon our children. Being aware of ourselves helps us develop a strong "mind of Christ" or an intuitive sense of knowing what is best for us and our children in any moment. (And accepting that sometimes we really don't know yet!)

In his book "Sacred Parenting," Christian author Gary Thomas writes, "Our natural (but not necessarily holy) inclination to make life as easy as possible for our children, coupled with our focus on what we really want them to achieve, ultimately tells us parents what we value most about life. In what we stress with our children, we reveal the true passion of our own hearts."

One of the first challenges is to understand that old patterns -- often formed in our own childhoods -- can often rule our behavior as parents right now. For example, if our own parents tried to fix everything that went wrong, we may try to do the same with our children. But the truth is, sometimes our children may need us just to listen to their fears and not jump in with our own fears and try to "fix" it all.

In the process, we allow our kids to make mistakes, and that means we can, too. And if we can forgive our kids and accept them with all their flaws and imperfections, it can't be too difficult to do this for ourselves.

As author Gary Thomas writes: "Are we leaving an authentic example for our children to follow? Will what they've seen draw them to God, or will our hypocrisy create a roadblock for faith? None of us can leave a perfect example, but we can provide a genuine example, an authentic picture of what it means to walk hand in hand with God."

As a mother, have you ever wondered what to leave for your son like I did back then? The Apostle Paul once wrote to Timothy: "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." (2 Timothy 1:5)

If you think you can't make it, you're not alone. Who can give you hope, help and healing? Perhaps as Christian parents, all we can do is to live out our new life of "Union with  Christ" day by day, moment by moment!

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Staying in Touch 保持聯繫

I hope this email finds you well. Thanks for reading my "Parenting ABC" newsletters!

As you know, I am now a retired California marriage and family therapist who no longer provides counseling and therapy services. Lord willing, I shall continue to write articles and lead workshops; and you are still welcome to visit ParentingABCtoday.com for additional resources.

I understand not everyone is looking for referrals so I have added a CONNECT form on my website so that you can send me a message, ask questions and request prayers in Chinese or English.

As a new believer, I received what Jesus said, "Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." (Mark 5:19) and changed the direction of my life.

At this stage I'm still serving as a Pastor's wife being a child of God, a wife, mother, grandmother, sister and friend. There will be changes in the direction and website of Parenting ABC, so please stay tune and pray for me.

It has been wonderful to hear from my readers over the years, I still feel encouraged and supported each time I get a message. I'm so glad we have met each other, please tell me how I may pray for you.

In case somehow you're not receiving my emails in the future, you may use this CONNECT form to get in touch with me any time. To use it to update your change of email address, or request a prayer, simply visit https://parentingabctoday.com/ and select the CONNECT tab at the top. Please try it now.

Remember, you and I are never alone in Christ. May the Lord bless you and your family!

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收信平安。感謝你閱讀我的《美國孩子、中國爹娘》Parenting ABC 每月通訊！

如你所知，我現在是一名退休的加州婚姻和家庭治療師，不再從事專業諮詢、輔導和治療服務。但主若願意，我將會繼續寫文章和作陪訓講員。請為我禱告，也歡迎隨時到 ParentingABCtoday.com 網站尋求資源。

我知道不是每個人都需要專業心理諮詢和治療師的轉介，所以我在網站上添加了一個聯繫表格，這樣你就可以用中文或英文向我發送消息、問問題和請求代禱。

初信主，我領受了主耶穌所說的話：「你回家去，到你的親屬那裡，將主為你所做的是何等大的事，是怎樣憐憫你，都告訴他們。」(馬可福音 5:19) 並改變了我的人生方向。

在這個階段，我仍然是師母，是神的孩子、妻子、母親、祖母、姐妹和朋友。《美國孩子、中國爹娘》的方向和網站將會有變化，敬請期待，為我禱告。

多年來收到讀者的來信真是太棒了，每次收到消息時，我仍然感到鼓舞和支持。我很高興我們認識了彼此，請告訴我如何為你禱告。

以防你收不到我的電子郵件，你以後可以隨時使用此表格來與我聯繫。要使用它來更改電子郵件地址或請求代禱，只需訪問 https://parentingabctoday.com/ 並選擇頂部的 CONNECT 選項卡。請現在就試試看。

不要忘記，在基督裡，你我永遠不會孤單。願神賜福給你和你全家!

The Power of Resurrection

Ten-year-old Fanny moved from the East Coast to the San Francisco Bay Area with her parents. (Fanny was born in the United States and her parents were professionals from overseas.) It had been half-a-year and Fanny was still unhappy and out of tune with her classmates at school. Fanny was also depressed at home and talked less and less. Under the suggestion and recommendation of her teacher, her parents finally agreed to allow her to receive psychological therapy.

When I first met Fanny, she was very shy, not talkative, but still cooperative. I asked her to draw three separate pictures:  a house, a tree, and a person. The tree she drew was actually lying on the ground. There was no horizon line. Although the trees had leaves, but there was no root. When I asked about the tree, she said, "This tree has just been transplanted to a new garden. One day, the wind blew really hard. The leaves were very heavy. Nobody was there to help. And the tree fell down.”

In subsequent weekly sessions, Fanny drew the toppled tree a few times and repeated the story. But every time she shared a little bit more about what the tree thought and how it felt being uprooted. Suddenly one day, the tree she drew stood tall on the horizon with thick roots, healthy trunks, and green leaves. The girl smiled and said, "Someone helped to replant the tree in the garden. Now it has grown up and is no longer afraid of the strong wind."

The above is a true story of me helping a child in a public school almost 25 years ago, but the name and background have been changed to protect privacy. "Uprooting" had a great impact on body, mind and spirit. The girl didn't understand why her parents had to move and took her away from the stable home where she grew up, causing her to lose her familiar environment, classmates and friends all at once. Encountering new challenges and setbacks, she felt anxious and fearful. When she spoke out, no one seemed to understand. She only got different opinions, defenses, and advice, which made her feel even more lonely, helpless, and depressed. She was downcast and unmotivated, like the fallen tree with no one to help. Thank God that because of our one-on-one time, listening, and play therapy, she felt cared for and loved. In the course of time, unperceptibly, the root regrew and the tree was able to stand up once again, and Fanny was able to face tomorrow.

Immigrant parents often have strong personalities, try to find a way out on their own in everything. They want the best for their children, but they often forget that they are limited as human beings. I have also experienced such pressure of life, the different ideas between husband and wife, and the conflicts in parenting. Those challenges caused a lot of anxiety, frustration, anger, pain and disappointment in my heart. I even thought that life was meaningless. Thank God that in my desperation I met my Savior Jesus Christ who "came to seek and to save the lost." (Luke 19:10)

Everyone will experience difficulties and helplessness in life. What is the core Christians belief? The apostle Paul said, "For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures." (1 Corinthians 15:3-4)

Although the sky is not always blue after believing in Jesus Christ, but trusting that the Lord is with us, we can rely on Him who loves us to face the storms of life, just as the apostle Paul said: "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us." (2 Corinthians 1:8-10)

Handling Adversity: You're Stronger Than You Thought

Catastrophic events and bad news can knock us to our knees. COVID-19 epidemic, the Turkey & Syria earthquake, stabbing murder of four Idaho U students, successive shootings in the Chinese community in California, and Tyre Nichol's death after brutal police beating. But personal adversities can pack an equally powerful punch. Our parents get divorced, our spouse is diagnosed with cancer, our family member has a mental breakdown, we lose our home. Often these events seem to come out of nowhere and feel completely unmanageable as we struggle to regain our footing and any semblance of "normal."

But, like great trees, humans can grow stronger when exposed to powerful winds. That is easy to say, we may think, as we recall those who did not grow stronger but instead broke in the wind. How do we increase our inner strength and flexibility so that we not only survive the adversity but thrive? Here are several strategies that can help.

Take responsibility. Look at your role in the situation. Was the event, in fact, predictable? You may have had more control over the situation than you realized. At the same time, don't take more responsibility than is warranted. If your child develops a brain tumor it's not because you did something wrong. Be honest, but don't point fingers, not even at yourself.

Be optimistic and think creatively. Trust that there's a solution to every problem and let your mind soar. Approach the problem from new and different directions. Perhaps rather than losing your home, you could find a housemate whose rent would make the difference between paying the mortgage or not.

Have courage and speak up. Courage is taking action despite the fear you feel. If someone isn't taking you seriously, speak up. Be your own advocate. Tell that person what you want and need. Don't assume he or she "should know."

Take the long view. Recount other times when you have overcome challenges. How did you do it? Who or what helped you? Who or what can help you this time?

Maintain a sense of humor. There's truth in the adage: "Laughter is the best medicine." Even in the darkest of times, laughter can help ease the pain.

Get support. No one can handle everything alone. When you get that overwhelmed feeling—or even before—reach out. Ask for help. Next time, ask for it sooner. You'll be amazed by how much better you feel.

Don't quit. Persistence may be the greatest human quality that helps us overcome adversity. Draw inspiration from the great heroes of the world and the Bible who persisted despite the odds. Remember, you are your own best ally. And you're stronger and more resilient than you thought.

The Apostle Paul shared his secret from his experience as a follower of Christ:

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Come Sit Awhile with Me

Many years ago, my husband James had to leave the house early for an all-day meeting. Knowing how he prefers oatmeal than donuts or pastries, I got up to fix breakfast. While cooking, lots of thoughts went through my mind.

Just oatmeal? But I'm sleepy. Scrambled eggs? James would love that. But I'm really tired. Maybe I will go back to bed as soon as he starts eating.

But I changed my mind. James obviously enjoyed his breakfast. Suddenly, he looked up and said, "Thanks for getting up early and fixing breakfast. I so appreciate you eating with me. Do you know that in the song You Raise Me Up, the phrase 'Until you Come and Sit Awhile with Me' always moves me? It means so much that you sit with me, even just for 15 minutes. I know you are tired."

My eyes got moist. "Thanks. I'm tired. Part of me didn't want to get up. I just wanted to cook breakfast and go back to sleep. I wasn't hungry, but there was another part of me that just wanted to sit with you for a while. Now you tell me the same thing: 'Come and sit awhile with me.' Actually, I thought of that song too."

“Glad to hear that. Now I can see that every week when we sit down to talk or sing with Mama, or to go for a walk with her, we are giving her a gift.” (This was in the days that my mother-in-law was still alive.)

Humans crave belonging and connection. Everyone needs a friend who will listen, sit down, fish or play basketball with. Caring is more than feeling sorry for someone when something bad happens. Caring is not just doing things for family members out of duty. We can learn how to help others joyfully by being there with them. CARE requires Compassion, Acceptance, Respect and Empathy. As followers of Christ, we already have new life. With the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, we can, by God's grace, be inspiring and encouraging helpers like Brother Barnabas.

"News of this reached the church in Jerusalem, and they sent Barnabas to Antioch. When he arrived and saw what the grace of God had done, he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true to the Lord with all their hearts." (Acts 11:22-23).

I'm so glad we spent time every week with Mama while she was still alive. James and I have recently moved to be closer to our son and his growing family. Although we still need to get used to the cold weather, how wonderful it is to spend time with one or many of them! Imagine our joy when our daughter-in-law showed up one day and said, "It's warm outside today, are you interested in taking a walk together?"

The Road Ahead: What Will You Do Differently This Year

Changing the way things are done can bring opportunities for great success. But reaction to change may be fearful and irrational, which can result in failures, a decrease in quality and a loss of productivity and production. When it comes to family, work, business and ministry, it can be tempting to give in to those anxieties by doing what's always been done. But some form of adjustment, such as freeing up time, money, and energy for new opportunities, is sometimes necessary in order to prepare for a better year.

Firstly, decide which are the most important adjustments to make. Ask yourself these questions:

1. What personal and business toleration interfered with your personal and work progress? Having to "tolerate" something or someone may mean you believe there is no choice, so you just bite your tongue and grind your teeth. Toleration is a good indication of having certain problems you need to face.

2. Were last year's goals reached? Why or why not? How will those obstacles be addressed? Setting new goals without having evaluated the previous year's goals can result in a cycle of substandard results.

3. What are some fiscally responsible goals, e.g. increasing income, collaborating with people, creating new products or services, improving marketing strategies, etc., that will also be fun? Remember, all work and no play make Jack a dull (and bored) boy, as the saying goes.

4. What expectations do you have for your relationships? For example, rekindling love with your spouse, getting along with your teenager, playing with your kid, enjoying and appreciating your family, and giving thanks to God for His love and faithfulness, etc. How will these goals bring joy to your life?

5. What self-care do you need to focus on for the health of your body, mind and spirit? For example, diet, exercise, spiritual disciplines, and other life issues. Are you focused on what really matters in your life?

Secondly, what do you need to change to have a better year? Here are some suggestions for your consideration:

1. Choose passion over profit. Connect to your bigger purpose in life, work, business and ministry; and then the rewards will flow effortlessly. Passionate people attract success.

2. Learning with an open mind. Technology changes fast. Staying on top of what's working now is only half the battle. Reading the Bible, praying, observing, and thinking are essential. Discovering what's up and coming and leveraging that knowledge is the key to an exceptional year. Are there something new that you could learn with your spouse, children, friends, colleagues or co-workers?

3. Count your blessings and celebrate success. Acknowledging and rewarding success with gratitude keeps everyone motivated. Mark those mini-milestones with celebration and recognition!

4. Add, don't subtract. In business, when repeat clients stop buying your products or services, something needs to change. Instead of cutting prices, add value instead--bundle existing services/products, add bonuses or create new offerings. At home, when your family members are not talking to each other, something is wrong. Instead of pretending that all is well (e.g. "we never argue"), learn to listen attentively and talk assertively to engage them with respect and care.

Finally, beware of blind spots

1. Every driver has blind spots. That's what rear-view mirrors are for. Blind spots in the family, church, work and business environment can be harder to identify. In a factory, how does a person avert disaster in a work environment without the benefit of mirrors? How can you find out your blind spots?

2. Ask around. Getting honest feedback from family and church members, clients, customers and service providers can be as uncomfortable as it is invaluable. Do it anyway.

3. Coffee time. Chat up a friend, family member, co-worker or colleague and encourage them to share their observations about what you are doing well and what needs improvement. Sometimes what needs to change is missed because it is so "obvious."

4. Seek professional help. Getting an objective outsiders opinion can help you see what is going well or not.

Moving into the New Year doesn't have to be a scary proposition. Having a clear sense of what's ahead can circumvent failure and create a successful year. Anxious of changing? Afraid of taking risks? Try your best and leave the outcome to God.

At the beginning of last year, I missed my family dearly. But due to the pandemic and our work schedule, it seemed impossible to visit loved ones whom I had not seen for several years. All I could do was to pray. Unexpectedly, God led step by step and allowed me to retire and move before year end. How grateful we are to be reunited with our son and his family! My husband and I can continue to study the Bible online with our brothers and sisters, and we can also watch our grandchildren grow up in close proximity. Everything is by grace. In the process, we cling to the word of God:

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  (James 4:13-15)

Of course, not everyone has to change for the sake of change. But you can still take some time to evaluate the past and look forward to the future, may the Lord show you His will, His way, and His timing in this new year!