Life's Choices Aren't All Easy

Life is always about making choices.

Imagine you're standing at the counter of your favorite ice cream shop and asking the server "What do you think I want?"

Of course you wouldn't do that. With a variety of ice cream flavors tempting you, making a choice may be difficult, but you'll do it. "Please give me Cherry Jubilee and Chocolate Night, put the chocolate on the bottom and get a scoop with lots of cherries in it for the top."

It’s true that most choices in life are not as simple as choosing between chocolate and vanilla, but what you choose, how you make the choice, or don't make them, is as important to your self-esteem as taking responsibility for yourself. 

There are two types of choices: Active — when you make something happen and live with the consequences; and Passive — when you "choose not to choose," and continue with the status quo. Passive choice may be because you believe that making any choice may lead to change and come with high risks.

Active choices can be painful; feelings of fear and vulnerability often accompany these decisions. Just because we know what's best for us doesn't make it any easier. This kind of choice-making is risky, too. The most difficult choices don't have any absolute right or wrong; there is no perfect solution. It takes great courage to face these hard decisions. 

On the other hand, the postponement of choice can have serious backlashes in the way of stress, depression, discouragement, apathy, even physical illness. Procrastination seldom has any favorable results.

Though in the end the choice is yours, getting to the place to be able to make a decision doesn't have to be a solo trip. Ask for help. Talking things out with another person can be helpful, especially someone who is on your side but has nothing at stake in your decision. Don’t forget that God is always waiting for you to ask Him for help.

Even just expressing your concerns may help you sort things out, and writing down the pros and cons will give you more clarity than keeping everything in your head. Getting some distance (emotional or physical) may make assessment easier, especially if that distance allows you to see the reality of the situation and not just your wishful thinking.

Even with thoughtful consideration, not every choice will be the right one. But wrong decisions don't make you wrong. And, trite as it may sound, one of the ways we learn is through the mistakes we make.

Not each of the choices you make will have profound effect on the whole of your life. But the ongoing and continuous act of making choices will.

Seeking God's will, making choices you believe in, making conscious, thoughtful choices, and taking responsibility for your choices are all signs of becoming a person of faith and commitment, like the biblical character Joshua.

"But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)

Still worried about choosing? Please consider what Jesus Christ told his disciples and let our Lord guide you:

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you." (John 15:16)

Author’s content used  under license, © Claire Communications

Do Not Worry About Tomorrow

At its essence, worry is a useful reaction, helping us anticipate and avoid danger by taking constructive action. But too often, worry becomes an endless loop that makes it hard to focus and perform, and stresses our physical systems. Take the self-test below to see how well you handle worry.

1. I seem confident and carefree to everyone who knows me. Actually, that was when I kept my worries to myself because I didn’t want to burden anyone with sharing my concerns.

2. I write about my fears and worries. This seems to take some of the power out of them. After writing, creative solutions seem to just show up.

3. I lie in bed for two or three hours at night worrying, just hoping to fall back asleep. I feel tired all the time.

4. Getting involved with my family, friends, church, neighborhood, organizations, etc., gives me the sense of being part of something bigger than myself. When I turn my attention from inside to outside, my worries seem to disappear.

5. When I find myself worrying, I get up and move around. Action seems to relieve my anxiety and give me a better perspective.

6. What really works for me when I’m feeling nervous and afraid is to take a long walk, run or bike ride, or go work out. It seems like the more I move, the less I worry.

7. When my worries are on an endless cycle, I know it’s time to make a gratitude list. Focusing on the things I’m grateful for is like completely letting go of my worries.

8. My worries seem to come out of nowhere and out of control. When I'm stuck, I feel like I can't come up with any solutions.

9. I worry mostly about things that, in fact, have a very low probability of actually happening, such as going bankrupt, dying in a plane crash, getting fired, etc.

10. Instead of letting nighttime thoughts keep me from falling asleep, I focus on physical sensations, such as the feel of my sheets and the warmth of my body.

11. I try to catch my worrying as close to its beginning as possible. Then I take some time to relax, breathe deeply and get centered again.

12. When I'm lost in my worrying thoughts, I experience physical sensations that I rarely notice, such as a racing heart, sweating, and shaking.

13. The more repetitive my worrying becomes, the more persuasive it seems.

14. I worry about other people because I don’t really trust that they can take care of themselves.

15. When I worry about something, I take action. Then I let go, trusting that I have done all I could.

Shifting your worry to wonder opens up possibilities for curiosity and action rather than dread and immobility. It is not uncommon to think about "What will happen? How will it all turn out? How can I act to make the outcome the best it can be?" But don’t stress yourself out unnecessarily by worrying about what may or may not happen. The Lord Jesus knows your and my needs, and He also accepts that we will have worries. Please listen to His teachings:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? ...

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ... your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:25-34)

                                                                                                                                                Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

How to Cope with Disappointment?

The story of Joseph's life is full of twists and turns and is recorded in the book of Genesis. Joseph's mother died after giving birth to his little brother. He was the favorite son of his father who made him a colorful coat. When his ten half-brothers saw that their father loved him so much, they hated him and did not speak harmoniously to him. Things got worse when Joseph shared two dreams meaning his family would prostrate to the ground and bow to him. This made his brothers even more hateful and jealous, mocking him as "that dreamer".

At age seventeen, Joseph was sold by his brothers to the Ishmaelites who took him to Egypt. Pharaoh's chamberlain, Potiphar, the captain of the guard, bought him as a slave. Because God was with Joseph, everything went smoothly for him, and his master left all the household chores in his hands. Unexpectedly, the master's wife fell in love with him and wanted to sleep with him. But Joseph was firm in his principle and would not listen to her or sleep with her, because "how could I do such a great evil and sin against God?"

One day, Joseph went into the house to work, and there was no one else there. The woman grabbed his clothes and said, "Come sleep with me!" Joseph threw the clothes in the her hands and ran outside. As a result, she falsely accused Joseph to her husband, "Your slave has treated me like this."

Potiphar was angry and had Joseph thrown into prison where the king's prisoners were kept. But God was with Joseph and showed him favor, making everything he did successful. The warden gave all the prisoners in the dungeon into Joseph's hands. Those included the king's cupbearer and the chief baker. Later, Joseph had the opportunity to interpret their separate dreams, and things seemed to finally be turning around.

“This is what it means,” Joseph said to him. “The three branches are three days. Within three days Pharaoh will lift up your head and restore you to your position, and you will put Pharaoh’s cup in his hand, just as you used to do when you were his cupbearer. But when all goes well with you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this prison. I was forcibly carried off from the land of the Hebrews, and even here I have done nothing to deserve being put in a dungeon.” (Genesis 40:12-15)

Three days later, the cupbearer was indeed reinstated, but he did not remember Joseph and actually forgot about him for another two years ... Can you imagine Joseph's disappointment?

Disappointment is that feeling of being let down by a person, an expectation or a hope. It is a normal reaction that everyone experiences. But all too often, when we’re disappointed and especially need caring attention, we beat ourselves up instead. Take this quiz to reflect on your thinking and see how well you take care of yourself after a disappointment.

1. I recognize that disappointment is a part of life. When I experience a disappointment, it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or that I deserved it.

2. When I experience disappointment, I allow myself to have my feelings. I realize that when I give emotions the time and attention they need and deserve, they tend to go away on their own.

3. With the help of a therapist, counselor, or in another safe environment, I can work through other feelings that disappointment brings to the surface. These feelings often include shock, hurt, and anger.

4. When faced with new disappointments, I avoid making immediate conclusions about my actions or role in the situation. Self-analysis has its place, but in the early stages it's more likely to be destructive self-blame and suppression of one's feelings.

5. I take steps to prevent disappointment from turning into depression or bitterness. These include healthy eating, getting plenty of sleep, exercising, and seeking support from family, friends, and counseling.

6. I don’t make major life decisions until my strong feelings subside and I begin to feel some enthusiasm or hope again.

7. If I am disappointed with a person, I will not reflexively end the relationship. when I feel calm, centered, and in a safe situation, I will engage in conversation with this person

8. When the intensity of the feeling has faded, I ask myself if there’s anything that I can salvage or learn from the situation.

9. Also, when I am feeling more hopeful, in order to gain insight, I ask myself, “What if this is not a setback, but actually what I want?” Among other things, my answers will reveal any ambivalence I may have had and may help make future endeavors more successful.

10. If I am repeatedly disappointed by life or other people, I am willing to consider what actions or beliefs of mine might be contributing to those experiences.

Disappointment doesn’t have to stop you from getting what you want in life. If you answered "no" to several of these questions, you may want to explore ways to better cope with disappointment. Let me pray for you in Christ, that God will be with you and show you grace.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him." (Psalm 62:5)

Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

Building and Keeping A Positive Attitude

"Watch your attitude!"

"No! You watch your attitude!!!"

Such exchanges are common between parents and teenagers, or any two people who are having a heated argument. Usually, we instinctively blame the other person, but how often do we reflect and examine our own attitudes?

Attitude can affect how we feel and how others respond to us. A positive attitude can impact our physical health and emotional well-being, make hard things easier and easy things more fun. This is not to say that a positive attitude is a magic potion that will ward off any problems, but an optimistic outlook helps people work through the rough times with a belief in themselves and trust in the ultimate good. Try these suggestions to build and maintain a positive attitude.

1. Associate with positive people.

2. Take some action every day toward accomplishing a goal.

3. Eat fresh, healthy food; exercise your body and your mind.

4. Make a gratitude list.

5. Do something kind for someone or the planet.

6. Notice something beautiful every day.

7. Turn off bad news—radio, television, newspaper.

8. Look for what’s right instead of what’s wrong.

9. Celebrate the ordinary things.

10. For every no, say five yeses.

And one bonus suggestion: Remember to laugh.

The Bible does not use the word "attitude", but it tells us, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23)

We cannot force others to change, but we can ask our Heavenly Father to change our own hearts. For example, to learn from the apostle Paul who have an attitude of "contentment" in Christ Jesus so that I can rely on the Lord to strengthen me when facing people and situations that make me dissatisfied.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13)

Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

How Emotionally Resilient Are You?

How well do your family members respond to life's challenges with courage and emotional stamina? When facing disappointments and obstacles, do you easily give up hope?

When you read "HOPE IS NOWHERE," did you see "Hope is No Where" or "Hope is Now Here"?

Your future could depend on how you look at things. To help others, you have to first get help for yourself.  Please take the following test to find out how emotionally resilient you are.

Emotional resilience is the ability to successfully cope with change or misfortune. Even when afraid, resilient people respond to life's challenges with courage and emotional stamina.

While we can't always control what life brings, we can use adversity as an opportunity for growth. Respond True or False to the following statements to discover how well you cope with life's many challenges.

Set 1

1. When bad things happen, I think "why me?" I feel fear and self-pity; I want to find someone to blame.

2. When I feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, I overeat or drink too much alcohol, or do other things I know aren't good for me.

3. I don't trust I can handle adversity by myself, nor do I have supportive people I can truly count on in a crisis.

4. Even when my life seems stable, I worry that some kind of misfortune is around the corner. I also have a tendency to create catastrophes out of the little things that happen.

5. I find it hard to feel confident when bad things happen to good people. I feel despairing, hopeless and unable to move forward.

Set 2

1. I handle everything better when I take good care of myself. Exercising raises my endorphins; eating right and sleeping well gives me more physical, mental and emotional stamina; and setting aside time for play and positive connections makes me feel more joyful and optimistic.

2. I believe in my ability to handle life's challenges. At the same time, I know the importance of having loving, supportive people to help me face difficulties, large and small.

3. Even when faced with misfortune, I look for the "silver lining." I believe that ultimately there's a positive opportunity from which I can learn and grow.

4. I have a strong sense of meaning and purpose in my life that helps me move forward despite any obstacles.

5. I'm very persistent. Even when I get knocked down, I trust myself to eventually get back up.

If you answered TRUE more often in Set 1 and FALSE more often in Set 2, you may wish to learn some effective ways to develop more emotional resilience.

You can strengthen your resilience by becoming more emotionally self-aware, improving your mood with exercise, good diet, play and laughter, building self-reliance and a strong support network, and by developing perseverance, purpose and a more positive attitude.

What impact can our faith have on you and me? Listen to what the apostle Paul said:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:1-5)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Life Stages

One day, I woke up from a nap. As my husband James put the spinal brace on me, he asked, "Did you sleep well?"

I replied, "I slept very well. I slept through ten chapters of the Book of Daniel. I fell asleep listening to the first chapter, and when I woke up it was already in the tenth chapter."

James laughed: "Oh, I didn't know you were measuring your sleep by chapters now."

I said seriously: "Not only that, I also measure my life by chapters."

He winked at me: "So I appear in one of your chapters?"

Now I laughed: "Not just one chapter. You appear in many, many chapters!"

In times past, we measured significant life events by the age most people experienced them. Graduation, first job, marriage, first child, empty nest, retirement, widowhood, and finally death. All these milestones happened at fairly predictable ages from 18 through 65, or so. But times have changed drastically in the last quarter century, and using chronological age as markers for life stages may no longer seem relevant to everyone.

• Many 40-year-old (and older) women are having their first child, and not always with a husband as the father. 

• With the rapid changes in business—mergers, downsizing, and buyouts—it is not unusual for a person to be forced into early retirement at age 50.  

• These days, some women are earning their first professional degrees at 65.

• Human growth hormones claim to help men at 70 to reverse aging by twenty years.

• Eighty-year-olds are moving in together to the surprise and sometimes annoyance of their 55-year-old children. 

In this century, pre-COVID, adolescence extends into the late twenties, middle age happens somewhere in the fifties and old age is more a state of mind than a physical reality. 

Life’s passages are not as predictable as they once were. Individuals have more choices and more freedom to make choices than ever before. But freedom may come with complications.

The Twenties. While previous generations graduated from college (if they went), settled into careers, had children and bought their first home during their twenties, today this decade is a time of prolonged adolescence. Many in this age group still live with their parents and remain single. Prolonged adolescence ends, Gail Sheehy, author of New Passages, says, “when we are not afraid to disappoint our parents.”  

The Thirties. The thirties mark the initiation to adulthood and 30-somethings are generally preoccupied with crafting a public self that will spotlight their talents and win approval and success. During this stage, what matters are external measurements—perks of the job, size of home and model of car, accomplishments of the children—which become showcases for proving worth. Difficulties may arise when these outward measurements don’t jibe with the truth of who we are. 

The Forties. By this age, adults might be used to having two things: choice and control. Consequently, when things get rough, “people in their forties are likely to feel more out of control than ever.” Both men and women encounter complications that come with changing bodies. While women experience perimenopause and menopause, men may face their own version of physical breakdown; it’s not unusual to experience a lapse in virility and vitality. 

During this life stage, women may struggle with late child rearing or mourn their lack of children, and couples may be forced to renegotiate traditional relationships. Mortality is an issue to be reckoned with. This is the time when inevitable questions of values and lifestyle must be responded to. For women on the other side of menopause, the call to adventure may not go unheeded. Many feel motivated to learn new skills, dive into new careers, and explore their creativity, while men over 45 are becoming the new at-risk population for significant problems with anxiety and depression.

The Fifties. Sheehy’s research indicated that the major influence on the sense of well-being for women in their fifties is not money or social class or marital status; the most decisive factor is age. “Older is happier.”

The same is not true for men who experience more uncertainty in middle life than women. Studies at the University of California at Berkeley indicated that men and women who emerge psychologically healthiest at 50 are those who “shape a new self that calls upon qualities that were dormant earlier.” In other words, the passage into the fifties and beyond can be made more positively by finding your passion and pursuing it.

The Sixties. Now comes the time to make the choice between passive aging and what gerontologists call “successful” aging. Successful aging is to make a conscious commitment to continuing self-education and developing a new set of strategies. Resilience and an ability to respond to life’s accidents and conflicts without blaming or bitterness are qualities that serve those in this life stage. 

The comfort of mature love and a continued excitement about life both factor into a sense of well-being. For those who compartmentalized their nurturing selves and achieving selves earlier in life, grandparenthood can offer a rich second chance to bring both into harmony. 

The Seventies. To fare well during this stage of life is to let go of that which doesn’t matter and focus on a few fine-tuned priorities. Those who thrive live in the present but always have plans for the future. Rather than focusing on time running out, this life stage says live the moment. Accept that which cannot be changed—loss is inevitable. But so is gain. The sixties, seventies and beyond are times of spiritual growth.

The map of adult life keeps changing as surely as the map of the world has continued to shift throughout the ages. I never thought I would suffer spinal compression fractures and have no strength to do anything. I didn't know I needed to wear a special back brace to protect and help my spine heal; and James never thought of being my caregiver. But living in our Lord Jesus Christ, we have learned to accept the situation and let another precious chapter be added.

Nothing happens by chance, there really is a path of grace. King David speaks my mind: "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you." (Psalm 139:16-18)

Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

Take Time to Grieve

When my mother suddenly passed away in 1975 at age 48, I tried to be strong. I knew Mom would not want me to be sad, so I did not even go to Hong Kong for her funeral. I focused on finishing college at Berkeley. After all, that's our plan. Mom wanted me to succeed in the United States, and I dreamed of one day buying her a big house and taking her around the world. I tried to move on, but part of me died with her without grieving my loss. Even though I looked successful on the outside, I couldn't help but live in blaming myself or others, or feeling helpless at home. Many inexplicable emotions seriously affected the interaction and relationship between my husband and me.

Birth, aging, illness and death are facts of life. Death reminds us that life is short and impermanent. When a relative or a friend dies, we not only grieve for the deceased, but we may also re-grieve from previous losses we’ve suffered. Some say that time can dilute everything and the passage of time is the great emotional healer. In fact, it’s what you do with that time that is important.

Overwhelming Feelings

Grief and death bring about a variety of feelings, including sorrow, anger, frustration, helplessness, loneliness, guilt, etc. Experiencing these strong emotions can be confusing and worrying.

When we experience loss, well-meaning friends and family may advise us to stay optimistic and look on the bright side of things, calling on us to accept the loss because death is irreversible and everything happens by "God's will." When trying to understand things, even we can’t help but tell ourselves that “maybe everything is for the best.” Any of these suggestions, however, may lead the grieving person to sink further into the emotional abyss, to feel pressured to hide or deny their emotions, or to numb themselves. This will only cause the grieving process to take longer and get in the way of healing.

In our culture, we often assume if something is painful, it must be bad and should not be mentioned. Yet suppressing these feelings and denying the need to grieve can be even harder on both the mind and body than going through the emotions. Pain is a natural part of the grieving process and, if we were to heal, we must allow it.

Going through the Process of Grieving

By acknowledging loss and embracing grief, we have the opportunity to truly go through the grieving process and release the pain within. By experiencing grief, accepting and letting go of the past, and saying goodbye to loved ones who have passed away, we can live fully in the present. We will be less caught off guard or cower in fear when we feel sad again in the future. Only by facing rather than escaping suffering can we regain inner peace and reorder our lives.

When faced with grief, most people need to talk about their feelings, but some people just need quiet companionship. Regardless, someone who are empathetic and willing to listen more and talk less can provide invaluable comfort.

People need ritual. Lighting candles, gathering together for services or memorials, praying, singing and remembering together can provide an outlet for grief.

Spending time in nature can offer solace. Nature allows us to experience the ongoing cycle of the life and death process, and in this we may be able to connect to the larger divine purpose.

Journaling is another concrete way to express your emotions. Writing letters to the deceased also allows us to make amends for not saying goodbye. Even if it is a stranger, you can write a letter to the deceased and pray for his family while you are still grieving for him.

Experiencing grief is a complex process that takes many forms, so be patient with yourself. The most difficult times may come months after the actual loss. At that time, your life seemed to be normal, and your friends thought you were fine. But in your dreams you were still overwhelmed with sorrowing thoughts and guilt... Every time a trigger arises, the most important thing is to face the sadness honestly and understand and accept your own feelings, thoughts and needs.

If your grief lingers for a long time, you may need professional therapy. As someone who has gone through major losses in life, my heart goes out to you.  As a therapist, pastoral counselor, and support group leader, I highly recommend that you face loss with other fellow travelers, experience the presence of God, and accompany each other through the valley of tears.

You are not alone! No matter how difficult it may seem right now, remember to take some time to process your grief. May you find comfort in having a bright future to look forward to, in His time.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications