How to Handle Resentments

Some people can spend hours dwelling on the wrongs done them, the injustices, the slights, the snubs, insults, indifferences, slurs, and just plain bad treatment. They can think of a particular instance and, sure as Pavlov’s dog, up comes the same feeling the original occurrence caused, and they get mad all over again. They hold onto their resentments with the same tenacity that dog’s hair might cling to a cashmere sweater.

Resent comes from the French word sentir, to feel or experience. To resent something or someone is to feel again the fear, the anger, the hurt, the humiliation, the pain of the original experience — real or imagined. Carried along with us, this feeling gets packed away in a bag labeled grudge or blame. It’s a bag full of judgments where other people are always wrong and at fault, and, after a while, it can make for a pretty heavy load.

“Of all the futile and destructive emotions to which human beings are prey, perhaps the most universal is resentment,” said Theodore Dalrymple in his essay, “The Uses of Resentment.” Resentment eats away at self-esteem and peace of mind. It replaces hope with bitterness and opportunities for growth with stagnation. If a person can blame someone else, then they don’t have to take responsibility for themselves. 

Of course, we can’t always have control over what happened to us, especially if we were children, but we do have control on how we choose to respond to it today, and how we will deal with it.

A life filled with resentments chains the one who would be victim and stifles any change that could make life easier, more productive and joyful. “Resentments,” as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous puts it, “keep us from the sunlight of the spirit.”

From one perspective, any time a resentment takes up emotional space, it indicates there’s something at issue that has not been resolved. Maybe the best thing is to slow down and try to see what part of is still trying to get your attention.

Getting rid of old resentments isn’t as easy as simply saying, “Resentment, be gone.” Judgments, the need to be right, not taking responsibility for certain actions or behaviors, a feeling of being special or entitled, vindictiveness or a need for revenge, a simple (or not so simple) misunderstanding, or an inability to forgive — all these might be in the way of releasing resentments.

Along with causing a “re-feeling” of the original emotion, resentments give a person an opportunity to re-look at the event or situation. Sometimes holding onto a resentment is a way of avoiding pain, and this re-looking can unlock the doors that have held it at bay. 

How to deal with old resentments? Write them down; talk about them, not in a blaming way, but with a willingness to see all sides of the issue. Determine what the lessons are, what needs to be let go of, what needs more work. You may begin to see where empathy can create wholeness and where forgiveness can heal. 

Tragedies in my family of origin, including my grandma's preference of boys over girls, my dad's infidelity to my mom, and Mommy's untimely death caused me to be filled with inexplicable resentment in my married life. I thank the Lord Jesus for the opportunity to break free from the bondage of sin. Not only was I released from resentment, I was able to forgive those who had hurt me, so that I could experience freedom in Christ. I am especially grateful that my father finally believed in the Lord. The old has gone, the new is here! 

"Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong ... Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil." (Psalm 37:1,7-8)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

In Your Anger Do Not Sin

The day before I left Hong Kong in August 1973, my Mommy insisted on personally ironing my every shirt. I was packing when I suddenly heard her yelled, "Oh, No!"

Rushing out of the room, seeing the burn marks on the pointed collar of my yellow blouse, I couldn't help but shout, "Mommy! Why did you do that?"

But I felt bad as soon as the words came out.  I hurriedly fled the scene and ran back to the room to hide my frustration and disappointment.

It seemed that my head was about to explode. I was mad at losing my favorite top. That silk blouse had a pointed collar, a bright yellow background, and a cute pattern of little white elephants. Not only did it look good in my eyes, but it was often envied by my classmates and friends. Now that one collar was burned, how could I wear it again?

On the other hand, Mommy's pale face reminded me of her sacrificial love.  How could I lose temper at Mommy before leaving to study in the United States? The blouse was ruined, and I broke her heart. Why did I do that? The more I thought about it, the more guilty I felt. Tears were streaming down my face.

Just when I was frustrated and dazed, Mommy showed up and said in a gentle voice, "Your blouse is good to go again. Look!" She held up the blouse with a smile. After her skillful repair, the pointed collars on both sides became round collars and the blouse looked cuter than before. Through my tears I smiled again.

We hugged goodbye the next day. I didn't expect it to be a farewell, but I never saw Mommy again. Two years later, her heart suddenly stopped and she died in Hong Kong at the age of forty-eight.

At that time, I was still a college student who recently got married after only 3 months of dating. (My husband and his family had immigrated from Taiwan a few years back.) I never had the chance to fulfill my childhood dream of buying a big house for Mommy and taking her around the world, and my biggest regret is that she never saw my husband, son, and grandkids.

However, I will never forget her selfless and gracious love. Her understanding, acceptance and forgiveness had always encouraged and motivated me. Thank God for my Mommy! Years later, I got to know the Lord Jesus and experienced the great love of my Heavenly Father. I began to learn the importance of being responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, words and deeds. I want to love people around me, especially those closest to me, while I still have time.

“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Ten Fears that Make Us Withdraw

Fear often stands between us and our ability to make decisions, take actions, ask for what we want—even to know what we really want. It is the gatekeeper of our comfort zone. But as poet-philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “He has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.” Below are 10 fears that commonly get in our way.

1. Fear of being judged. Many people often need the approval of family members or friends to have the courage to act. Once denied, we are often unable to bravely pursue our dreams and goals.

2. Fear of rejection. Rejection just means that someone else has a different opinion.

3. Fear of emotional pain. Rather than incapacitate us, painful feelings can sharpen our sense of joy and gratitude.

4. Fear of embarrassment. Sometimes it's terrible when our mistakes are made public, and we feel ashamed. But in fact, it is not so embarrassing and scary to face mistakes bravely and correct them in time.

5. Fear of being alone and abandoned. Don't worry too much. A strong sense of self-worth and what we can offer the world reduces this fear.

6. Fear of failure. A biggie for most of us and born of the notion that it’s not OK to fail. Don't be afraid, believe in the famous saying "Failure is the mother of success".

7. Fear of success. More responsibility, more attention, pressure to perform can be frightening when we don’t believe in ourselves. But in fact, our contribution to this world is reflected in this aspect.

8. Fear of expressing feelings. An authentic life means being willing to express our true feelings to our loved ones, colleagues, adversaries—even ourselves.

9. Fear of intimacy. Emotional intimacy—really being seen by another—can be very scary. However, there is no need to hide. Sometimes you may be more likable when you are real and be yourself.

10. Fear of the unknown. The unknown can be exciting and expansive if we shift our fear to curiosity.

So, don't worry and fear too much, because God tells us that all things work together. Sometimes bad things and feelings are God's way to prepare us to receive what is better. With faith in Christ, we pray and rely on God to transcend everything by experiencing the presence of God. 

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4)

Remember Good Friday.  Don't forget that Easter is just around the corner!

Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

How to Interrupt Negative Patterns

When unfavorable situations, actions and emotional conflicts happen again and again in your life—same scene, different characters—there's a good chance you are in the presence of a negative "pattern."

Some examples. Repeatedly choosing the wrong friend or partner, having constant conflicts with coworkers, being chronically in debt, trying to please others, seeming to get along with everyone, but often throwing tantrums at a family member you care most about!

At best, these negative patterns lead to frustration. At worst, they cause undue pain, uphill struggle, bodily harm, and sometimes even death.

The good news is: you have the power to change these negative patterns. Below are some ways to begin to disrupt them so that you can start laying down new, more positive patterns.

Become aware.

No matter how entrenched a pattern seems, the act of noticing begins the shift away from damaging thoughts or behaviors. Put simply, you can't change what you're not aware of.

One way to increase awareness is to sit and think and observe patterns. The goal here is to pay attention, nothing more.

In this step, focus your awareness on just the facts and feelings of the patterns. Don't let your mind wander into the analysis of "why" you have them right now, for it will likely try to justify and defend the pattern. You can analyze later (see below); for now, just notice.

Also, ask people you trust to help you see the patterns. Our blind spots are called "blind" for a reason; we just don't see them. But they'll be clear to others.

Discover the hidden payoff.

Becoming aware of your negative patterns, and you will see evidence they are damaging you and your relationships. For example, your pattern of conflict with co-workers has gotten you fired several times, and now your resume reflects that pattern, too.

The key to interrupting negative patterns is to understand this: we generally don't keep repeating behaviors unless, on some level, we get something good out of them.

These hidden reasons are known as "payoffs," and they either help you get more of something you want or avoid something you don't want.

In the example above, the person in constant conflict with co-workers could be using the conflict to cover up deep insecurity with the quality of his/her work. The conflict, in effect, distracts from scrutiny.

Or the conflict could stem from uncensored outspokenness. The person may have an oppressive situation at home, and being excessively frank at work may allow him/her to feel powerful and self-expressive in at least one arena of life. 

Look for positive patterns.

One of the best ways to disrupt the negative patterns that may be wreaking havoc with your life is to also study the positive patterns in your life. For these can be "grafted" onto your negative patterns with great success.

For example, you can use the discipline you've been exercising regularly to stop using credit to finance your lifestyle. For another example, if the boss calls during a quarrel, the couple can immediately stop the fight.

Even if you will, if you are frustrated that things are too difficult to change, remember that you are not alone. There is hope because "what is impossible with man is possible with God" (Luke 18:27)

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Top 10 Daily Practices of Loving Relationships

"Better a small serving of vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred." (Proverbs 15:17)

Living with those you love—whether they be your spouse, children or older parents—brings intimacy and stresses that are different from other relationships. Here are 10 daily practices that help keep the love flowing and the relationships growing.

1. Share something from your day. Involve your loved ones in your life outside the home and inside your heart.
2. Express gratitude. Show that you notice their daily contributions to the family and your life. Receiving a “thank you” for doing the dishes or taking out the trash feels soooo good!
3. Eat dinner together. Connecting with each other over food is an ancient human practice. It’s worth it to make time for this heart warming activity.
4. Do something for yourself. Doing what nourishes you strengthens your relationships. 
5. Smile. Laughing is even better—especially if it’s laughing at yourself!
6. Express regret and make up. The sooner the better. And from a truly open heart.
7. Take responsibility. Renew daily your vow to hunt out your own “stuff,” to own it as yours, and to do the work of transforming it.
8. Be a sanctuary. Give a safe and comforting place where you provide "shade” to each other from the scorching rays of difficult days.
9. Speak from the heart. Risk telling the truth about your feelings.
10. Envision the best. It’s a wonderful bedtime meditation to visualize your loved ones inhabiting their highest, best selves. 

How can we love someone who is not that lovable at the moment? "We love because God first loved us." (1 John 4:19).

There are many Bible verses that guide us on how to love God and others. As long as we are willing to follow God’s precepts and practice daily, we can build a close, loving, harmonious and warm home together with our families.

"May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you." (1 Thessalonians 3:12)

                                                                                                        Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Take Stock of Your Life to a New Beginning

Whenever we enter a new year from the last, we will naturally look back and look ahead. This year, why not consider taking more time to evaluate your current life after reviewing last year and looking forward to the new year?

Who are you? What do you believe? What do you want?  What do you really need?

When we discover who we really are, we stop living on autopilot and start to live with intention, focus and purpose. Our choices become clearer. We begin to make active choices in our life, instead of making excuses or passively living with the status quo.

Here are a few questions to get you started. Have a journal or some way to record your thoughts. (Writing by hand keeps you in touch with your breath and your heart.)

• What do you want to express the most?

• What in you needs healing?

• What unique gifts, talents and skills do you bring to the world? How are you using them (or not)?

• Who do you need to forgive? Do you need to forgive yourself?

• What beliefs are holding you back or getting in your way?

• What can you let go of in your life?

• What makes you happy?

Don't forget to consider the vital information that other "parts" of yourself are giving you. When you use only your head, your experience of yourself and the world is more limited.

• What is your body telling you? When someone yells at you, does your stomach tie up in knots? Do your shoulders stiffen when you've been too focused on fulfilling others' needs and ignoring your own? Notice the messages your body is giving you.

• Check in with your heart. The heart is the home of what is most alive in us. What does your heart have to say about your job? Your relationships? About how you spend your days? Does it need more play, rest and recreation time? Is something missing? What, according to your heart, really matters?

• Listen to your intuition, your spirit, your "gut." Your inner voice speaks volumes, but often gets ignored. What is this voice saying now? What are you yearning for? What voices are you listening to? Don't forget: If you are in Christ, you are a New Creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). Would you like to walk in the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:16) moment by moment to live out your new life? 

Don't forget to notice what you already have that is working. Acknowledge and give thanks for the gifts and the beauty and the miracles that are in your life right now. Write them down.

• Tell the truth. Now is the time to start being honest about who you really are. Encouraging those unlived parts of ourselves to emerge can provide an exhilarating sense of discovery and optimism for the New Year and beyond.

May God protect the physical, mental, and spiritual health of you and your family. May the oldest psalm in the Bible be a prayer for you and me in the New Year: "Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom" (Psalm 90:1, 2, 12).

                                                                                          Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Ten Fears that Ruin Relationships

Loving someone is risky business, so it's natural that fear is present in relationships. But when fear operates in our life in a way that hurts us or hurts others—through aggression or withdrawal—it becomes a problem. Recognizing these fears and how they affect our life can help us make the necessary changes to get the love we want.

1. Fear of losing freedom. Tied down, trapped, cornered, stuck—this "claustrophobia" points to mistaken beliefs about what relationships are supposed to be. The ability to say No in a loving and respectful way, and to set clear and fair boundaries, is an essential ingredient of a healthy relationship.

2. Fear of conflict. Let's face it—love can be messy. But it doesn't have to be destructive. Constructive communication skills can be learned. When handled with caring and respectful communication, conflicts can become vital building blocks of deeper trust and intimacy.

3. Fear of change. Change means work, discomfort and uncertainty. But oh, the rewards of growth and depth and renewal! Try being curious about the changes in you, your partner and your relationship. Apply this to your children, parents, siblings, and other people you care about!

4. Fear of giving up or losing control. We don't have to surrender personal power in a healthy relationship. In fact, in a healthy relationship both partners feel equal while each maintains their uniqueness. If it is a choice between being in control and experiencing true love, which will you choose?

5. Fear of pain. It is not love that creates pain, but our attachments and expectations about what love and relationships, and the behavior of those we love, are supposed to look like. Ultimately, we must decide whether we trust fear or trust love—which of those are we going to "feed?"

6. Fear of being "found out." When we hide our true self from those we love, we're usually afraid that our true self is unlovable. The fear of being found out is the fear of being fully known. When we accept that no one is "perfect," we can open to the marvelous adventure of being deeply known by another and truly getting to know our beloved.

7. Fear of losing self. Often this comes from watching others (parent, friend, relative) suppress their individuality in relationship. The generous giving of oneself—our time, attention, caring and skills—is vital to the success of a relationship, but equally important is to be able to receive from your loved one what they wish to give you. Giving up your needs for your partner is not a loving act, for it means there is less of you present in the relationship.

8. Fear of not being enough. When we fear our own inadequacy, we often expect perfection in our partners. So we use this expectation as a defense against those feelings of inadequacy. We have the choice of taking the risk to love and be loved, or be alone, feeling isolated, with our story of inadequacy. Try changing that story to the true one: that you are a unique, magnificent and lovable being.

9. Fear of rejection. To avoid being rejected, we may push other people away, testing their love, or abandoning them before we ourselves are abandoned—and thereby making our beliefs a reality. Or to avoid being rejected, we may become pleasers, taking our authentic needs and desires out of the equation. Either way, we are not fully committed to being authentically present in the relationship.

10. Fear of dependency. Some people worry about losing the ability to take care of themselves, and others worry about being responsible for their loved one. Neither option creates a fulfilling relationship. To avoid those situations and create a healthy interdependency, stay aware of the boundaries between you and your loved one, and remember that, while you are supportive of each other, you are each responsible for your own feelings and well-being.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)

There are conflicts in interpersonal relationships because everyone is used to seeing things with their own eyes and instinctively protecting themselves. Letting go of fear is easier said than done.

Thank God that in the wilds of Bethlehem one night more than two thousand years ago, an angel said to the shepherds, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” (Luke 2:10-12)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications