Reflection Before Father's Day

Father's Day is coming soon. I want to appreciate the fathers and father-figures I know. Whether you have children of your own, don't ever underestimate your role and the difference you can make as a caring male model in the life of even one young person.

Yesterday there was an explosion near the front gate of a kindergarten in eastern China. At least eight people were killed, almost seventy people were injured. Authorities have said that the deadly blast was the work of a 22-year-old suicide bomber.

My heart cried for the victims and their families. Such traumatic event will affect many lives for years to come. People are shocked, angered, afraid, depressed. Something insensible like this reminds us that life is short, the world is not safe, and things are not under our control ... There will be anxiety and fear.

I also feel very sad for the suicide-bomber. How could he plan such evil to destroy? Then I wonder whether he could have asked for help to deal with his own pains, struggles, anger, depression and hopelessness.

As I was losing peace, I prayed and I remembered what Jesus said. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

I thought about those little kids and their fathers, mothers, grandparents who were picking them up after school. I thought about the teachers, the helpers, ... I wish they have all known our Heavenly Father and His unconditional love.

The Bible and resources like the "Father's Love Letter" (in print, audio and video) have helped millions of people, including me, when something triggered us into depression and anxiety. Check it out!

For English go to http://fathersloveletter.com/index.html
For Chinese go to http://fathersloveletter.com/Chinese/

Let us honor our Abba Father who created us and has given us new lives in Christ. May you have peace in Christ and share His love with someone today.

Happy Father's Day!

Reflection on Mother's Day

I have not forgotten writing you. I was just having too much fun in the East Coast, mixing work and play. James and I were away a total of ten days. First we presented workshops at a church; then we reunited with my brother and sister, and their spouses. We also visited James' sister and brother-in-law one evening. We are grateful for a chance to serve and interacted with so many special people in the Greater New York area.

We arrived home late Saturday night. The next day after church, we went to San Francisco to celebrate Mother's Day with James' mom, sister, brother and their families.  How wonderful it is to enjoy time with both sides of the family in May!

At age 95, James' mom has many children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We celebrated with yummy Chinese food, cakes and beautiful flowers. Mama was very happy.

On Monday, James and I took her to the park and walked around the lake. I went brisk walking while they strolled with her walker. We reunited just in time to see a pair of Canadian geese taking care of their little ones.  Obviously the mom and dad were protective and watchful while training their little ones. Finally they went for a swim. Those goslings will grow up and fly away.  And that is good!

As we were celebrating Mother's Day with James' mom, our son and his family Skyped us. I'm grateful for technology. But even if there was no Internet, physical distance really does not have to break heart-to-heart connections.

I love the card our son sent me. As a mother and grandmother, I was so encouraged by his note. The photos of him, his wife and their kids are precious. Oh how fast the kids have grown!

I remembered how James took our young son to Yeye and Nainai on the weekends, and how our adult son walked around the lake with me when he visited the Bay Area. As I am writing now, my heart is filled with love, gratitude and contentment. Jesus Christ my Savior can also transform your life, marriage and family. Even though I still missed my mom who passed away in 1975, I am grateful for my family and the body of Christ. Although I still feel sad that my mom never met my husband and son, I can now sit with that sadness and experience joy. What great things our Lord has done!

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom. One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts. They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—and I will meditate on your wonderful works." (Psalm 145:3-5)

Enjoy people you love. Happy Mother's Day!

Saving Ourselves from Self-Sabotage

When he was a boy, Stan vowed he’d never be a father like his own father—aloof, critical and emotionally unavailable. Yet, 30 years later, he catches himself treating his son harshly and constantly judging him for not measuring up.

Patricia loves her job and her boss. The only thorn is that her boss prizes punctuality and Patricia just can’t seem to be on time for anything, whether it’s a team meeting or that project that was due last week.

What Stan and Patricia have in common is the all-too-common disease called self-sabotage. It eats away inside, creating a cycle of self-destruction with the result that we aren’t really living the life we want for ourselves, nor the life that God intends us to have.

Self-sabotage “hides inside us and toils against our best interest. If we don’t succeed in identifying and owning this sinister part, we can never be free,” says Stanley Rosner, author of The Self-Sabotage Cycle: Why We Repeat Behaviors That Create Hardships and Ruin Relationships.

Numerous studies show that women are more prone to lower self-esteem and self-doubting thoughts. This leads to self-sabotaging behavior, according to author Nancy Good. In her book Slay Your Own Dragons: How Women Can Overcome Self-Sabotage in Love and Work, she lists several signs of self-defeating behavior that women (and men) can recognize:

1. Being overly passive, fearful, listless or indecisive, so that chances pass us by.

2. Having a chronically chaotic financial situation.

3. Being controlled by depression and anxiety.

4. Being controlled by compulsive behaviors to abuse alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, physical exercise, etc. Being compulsively late. Expressing anger inappropriately.

5. Being mistreated by partners and spouses. Being stuck in an unhappy relationship but doing nothing to change the situation. Having a series of unsatisfying relationships.

Recognizing self-defeating thoughts and behavior is the first step to change. Many experts agree that to change the behavior, people must change their thinking. Therefore, the first step is to observe ourselves and our thoughts.

The next step is to take responsibility for our thoughts and behavior—so that we control them and they stop controlling us. If we accept that we are doing this to ourselves, we can also understand that we have the option to change.

Self-observation is a powerful tool against the behaviors that defeat us. For example, Stan could take his son fishing and be careful to be positive and to stay silent when he feels a criticism rising in his throat. To do this, he would first have to decide that a good relationship with his son was more important that being “right.”

Setting a goal is the next step. Without blame or shame, choose one behavior to change. For example, Patricia could decide not to be late anymore. To do this, she would have to decide that something was more important than being late—a job she loves, for example. One tactic might be to write a positive affirmation each night in a journal, or set her clock an hour early, or enlist a friend to call her for a week, reminding her to walk out the door. After a while, the rewards of being on time could become greater than the self-defeating cycle of being late.

It’s not easy to change patterns of self-sabotage, but with time and practice—and a good dose of self-love—it is possible to end a self-defeating cycle and live the life we truly want for ourselves.

Jesus knew our circumstances and conditions. He knows the human hearts, and he came to save us. That's why he told His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)

Are you struggling with the ups and downs of life? How have you been sabotaging yourself? Write me if you wanted to get some help and prayers.

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

One-Liners to Avoid in an Argument

They slice and dice, cutting wounds not easily healed by pacifying words.

They inflame like a lit match near gasoline.

They suck the life out of all that they touch. 

They’re the zingers we fling at each other during arguments, the cruel and aggressive wisecracks or retorts that escalate a fight like nothing else. And when the zingers begin to outnumber the kind words spoken to each other, it may be too late to fix the relationship because the love has dried up and blown away.

Learning how to communicate well in a conflict—how to argue without hurting and insulting each other—is possibly the most important relationship survival skill ever. Doing so reduces divorce and domestic violence rates—and increases personal happiness, relationship satisfaction and peace of mind.

Here, then, are a few one-liners you’d do well to avoid: 

“That’s not what’s happening here!” This is just one of many versions of the line: “I’m right and you’re wrong!” And whether you say it or just think it, the only thing “You’re wrong!” creates is a lose-lose situation. 

“You always…” or “You never…” Starting a sentence with either two-word phrase is guaranteed to raise temperatures. How about stating instead that the other person does XYZ “more times than feels good.” Rather than, “You never listen to me,” try something like this: “When you respond that way, I get the sense that you’re not understanding me in the way I’d like you to.” 

“You really know how to hurt me.” This line assumes that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt you. It also implies that someone other than yourself has power over what you feel. It places you in the role of emotional “victim.” But you can choose whether or not to be hurt by someone’s actions.

“How can you be that way?” This isn’t really a question. It’s an aggressive statement something to the effect of, “You’re a terrible person, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

Of course, these are mild, compared to the even more hurtful words we can come up with in the heat of an argument. But for love to flourish and deepen, for healthy and long-lasting relationships, we need to learn how to incorporate acceptance, self-understanding, compassion and tolerance into our conflicts. And maybe one-liners like, “I love you!”

We keep arguing because we think we are right or we have to defend ourselves even if we were wrong; but there is a deeper meaning: we argue because we care about this particular subject matter. I used to argue with James a lot about parenting issues. To change, I need to have more awareness, knowledge, and skills, and I need to be intentional. How about you? What kind of improvements do you need?

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:19-20)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Workshops at BASS Convention 2017

Some of you are wondering why I am not presenting any workshop at BASS this year. One reason is I wanted to take a break after teaching every year since 2006; but the most important reason is that my husband James will be presenting four workshops this year. So I wanted to be there to listen to him and support him the way he has been supporting me all these years, although I think he still will be his own tech guy!

As you know, I became a Christian in January, 1989 and my changed life caught James by surprise. In order to make sure I was not involved in a cult, James started his own investigation by studying the Bible. And as the saying goes, "The rest is history."

If you wonder how two strong-willed high tech professionals could change and become ONE team as husband and wife (and as parents, grandparents and co-workers in ministries), come and find out how reading and applying the Bible could really change lives by the truth and grace of God.

Here are the line up for four workshops to be presented by Rev. James Chiang. Beware that two will be in English on Friday (Christian Ed track), and two in Mandarin (Asian track) on Saturday. See you there!

Reading Between the Lines: Sharpen Your Bible Interpretation Skills (English)
Friday, March 3, 2017 - 9:00-10:15 AM Room: N11

Reading between the lines will help track the author's train of thought. Why should we capture the train of thought of a Biblical author? An author will develop the points of his writing by leaving clues. Capturing the author's thought process from the clues left for us goes a long way for us to go after God's own heart. This workshop, “Reading between the lines”, introduces a simple method to uncover the biblical author’s train of thought by asking the right questions from the context of the Scripture.

Discovering the Value Gap: Applying Scripture (English)
Friday, March 3, 2017 - 1:30-2:45 PM Room: N11

We all have preconceived notions, and our value system supports and reinforces these notions. Just by understanding the Bible alone will not change our default thinking, unless we could discern the gap between our value system and God's. This workshop helps the Bible reader to discern the gap, thus guiding the reader in personal transformation, in order to acquire the mind of Christ by the renewing of the mind.

Reading Between the Lines: Sharpen Your Bible Interpretation Skills (Mandarin)
《話中有話》︰釋經之銳煉
Saturday, March 4, 2017 - 8:00-9:15 AM Room: N10
研討會將有助於呈現聖經作者的思路。我們為什麼要掌握聖經作者的思路呢？因為這有助於了解神的心意。有時經文的要點並不那麼明顯。為了要捕捉作者的思維，我們有時必須由留在字裡行間的線索來搜尋。本次研討會將介紹一種簡單的方法，從聖經的上文下理找出正確的問題。問出正確的問題可以幫助我們發現聖經作者本來的思路。《話中有話》研討會將以普通話進行。

Discovering the Value Gap: Applying Scripture (Mandarin)
《破舊立新》︰經文的應用
Saturday, March 4, 2017 - 12:45-2:00 PM Room: N10
我們都有先入為主的觀念。這些觀念來自於我們的價值觀，以至根深蒂固。單靠理解聖經很難改變我們先入為主的觀念，除非我們能夠看出我們的價值觀和神心意之間的差距。 《破舊立新》研討會能幫助聖經讀者認清差距，從而導致心意更新而變化，以得著基督的心。 本研討會將以普通話進行。

The Word of God is powerful. Reading His Word and praying establish two-way communication between our God and us. James and I both have come a long way. I am amazed how much I have enjoyed studying the Bible with James and talking about real-life issues that matter to each of us. I pray that these workshops would be helpful to you and other brothers and sisters in your faith community. Looking forward to seeing you at BASS 2017.

You could find out more about BASS 2017 at bassconvention.org

Things to Say Before It's Too Late

It happens again. I caught a cold last Thursday walking towards a community event. I felt bad. Imagine my disappointment being sick one week before visiting my son's family. Could I get well soon?

I needed to stay home to rest. This morning, James and I exchanged "Happy Valentine's Day!" at breakfast before he left all for an all day meeting. He asked me to take a good rest and I said I would.

I was surprised when he came back into the house in just a few minutes.

"Remember what you said about the blinkers?" he asked. "I couldn't start the car. Could you give me a ride to the carpool?"

Last night when he got home, I warned him I had left the blinkers on for a few hours by mistake and wondered whether the car could start today. So I wasn't surprised. But I told him, "How about you just take the van? I will be here all day anyway."

"But I don't want you to be without the van."

"Just in case I need to go somewhere?"

You have to watch our body language and listen to our tone of voice to understand how much we care for each other. I know James cares about me, and that's what counts.

Listening to Our Bodies They Know More than We Do!

Belated Happy New Year! I'm so glad I can write you today. I had no idea I would catch a cold/flu the first week of the year. In order to get well, I had to cancel my appointments, ask someone for support, drink chicken soup, take it easy and rest.

By the grace of God, I recovered in a week and was able to resume my work, including giving two presentations. I am so grateful for my health!

The body holds much of the information we need to function at our best, but too often we ignore its messages and plow ahead with what our minds tell us. Perhaps because we’re not taught from early on to pay attention to internal messages as well as external demands, we frequently ignore our body’s communications.

So we take another extra-strength aspirin rather than investigating what’s causing our head to ache. We use more caffeine or sugar to give us a lift when we feel tired, rather than hearing our body’s message about needing rest or recognizing our fatigue as an early symptom of burnout we’d do well to heed. A look at little children may be all the message we need about the value of naps.

We fail to take into account the thousand little messages communicated to us by how we’re holding ourselves: the mouth that’s pinched and tight rather than relaxed. The fact that our shoulders are up around our ears, the knot of tension in our stomach as we promise to do something when closer consideration might tell us we are already over-extended.