Don't Destroy Your Happiness

It is human nature to pursue happiness! Unexpectedly, my husband James and I had our first conflict after we got married over sharing a tube of toothpaste.

He said: "Why are you squeezing in the middle and ruining the toothpaste?"

I said: "Why do you have to squeeze up from the bottom? It's too slow! It's so stupid!"

My reaction was huge. I felt sad and disappointed inside because in the three months we dated, James had never said anything was wrong with me. How could he blame me so quickly when saying he would love me forever?

James didn't say anything and quickly bought another toothpaste so that we can each have our own way. But I was still hurt.

In marital and parenting relationship, there are always people who say they really don’t like to argue about trivial things all day long. Unfortunately, they don't know that everyone is pursuing that elusive "happiness". Everyone believes himself or herself is right and hopes that the other person will admit their wrongs. They argue, even to the point of biting and devouring each other. No wonder it is said that we ourselves are our worst enemies.

Here are some things that can take away your happiness. Please be alert and stop them because these behaviors affect your daily interactions with others (whether at home, outside, or online). No matter what, don't forget that your words and actions really matter!

1. Impressing others ... with what you have —your possessions, your accomplishments—don’t result in real relationship or lasting happiness.

2. Blaming. Your response to any situation is your choice. Try making it a learning opportunity—taking responsibility is empowering.

3. Controlling. It doesn't help you feel good about yourself. Honor your boundaries, but make space for others' needs and choices, too.

4. Criticizing. We are all unique and different, not better or worse. Appreciate the differences instead of zeroing in on shortcomings.

5. Whining. Complaining is ineffective, whereas asking for what you want is liberating.

6. Clinging to what is known. When you’re feeling afraid or insecure, be willing to let go of the familiar, take a risk and try something new.

7. Being Ungrateful. Stay aware of all the gifts, grace and blessings that you do have. Express gratitude then surely happiness will follow.

8. Lecturing. Another form of judging. Find more fun and empowering ways to share your knowledge.

9. Negative Self-talk. Train yourself to notice your mind's chatter. Working towards changing negative thoughts to positive ones will transform your life.

10. Fear. Don’t let fear get in the way of progress. Whatever you’ve been dreaming, get going on it. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Everyone needs understanding, support and encouragement from family and friends. Beware that what we think affects how we feel. When James didn’t argue, he thought he was being tolerant. But being ignored when I lost my temper only reinforced my belief that he didn't care.

I felt lonely when I only saw things through my own eyes. The shadow of my family of origin also made me feel fearful, anxious, depressed, and angry about my marriage and the future. These emotions might seem normal, but they built a wall between James and me. It wasn't until I believed in Jesus and felt the incomparable love of Christ that I had a turning point. I realized that I had been unconsciously destroying my own happiness over the years, losing much peace, and suffering in vain.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery... You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Galatians 5:1, 13-15)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

New Beginning in the New Year

At that time, two friends often invited us to church. After saying "no" for six years, I finally accepted their invitation in 1988. We first went to their house for dinner, and then attended a Christmas program which included singing, sharing, and skit performance. The short play mainly compared and contrasted two women: one had money but no love, and the other had no money but had loving relationships. It turned out that one did not have Jesus, but the other had Jesus.

On the morning of January 1, 1989 (Sunday), I thought of those two women and asked myself,  "What do I want? Can people really live differently?"

My friends mentioned a "new" church not far from my home, I decided to go and have a look. That was my first time attending Sunday worship. As soon as I entered the door, I heard singing. Seeing rows of people sitting in a big hall reminded me of the "morning assembly" in my secondary school days. Those were the happiest, calmest and most stable time in my youth. How many years ago was that? I arrived late and left early to avoid talking with people and having to introduce myself. But from that day on, I went to church every Sunday to find some peace and quiet.

On the evening of January 28th (Saturday), I attended an evangelistic meeting to "go and see". The speaker is a doctor-turned-pastor. Like me, he came from Hong Kong to pursue the American dream. All my proud achievements suddenly seemed insignificant compared to his. Unexpectedly, at the peak of his career, he also experienced loneliness and emptiness, and he also neglected family relationships. When he was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer, he turned back to seek the God whom he had heard of in his youth ... 

After his testimony, someone led us to sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". My heart was deeply moved by the lyrics "Oh, what peace we often forfeit, Oh, what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer!" I couldn't help but sob. It turned out that I also needed the Savior Jesus!

In the new year, may you know the one true God and the real you, for "if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Old things have passed, but our old habits and old influences are still there. We need to trust and obey, live by the grace of the Lord, and let God change us. As the Serenity Prayer says, ""God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Have you ever had trouble achieving your New Year's resolutions? You are not alone. Most people who make resolutions cannot abide by them on their own. However, here are ten ways to make and keep your New Year’s resolutions or any changes in your life.

1. Make resolutions you care about. Be certain the change you want to make really matters to you, and that it’s not just something you think you “should” do.

2. Be specific and concrete. Not “I want to lose weight” but “I want to lose five pounds by March 15.” State your goals in measurable and attainable terms.

3. Make time. If you want to exercise three times a week, write the dates and times in your calendar.

4. Easy does it. Start slowly. Don’t expect to run a marathon by February if you can’t make six miles now.

5. Do it differently. If you’ve made the same old resolution for ten years and never been able to keep it, do something differently this time.

6. Emphasize the positive. Better to say what you can do rather than what you can’t.

7. Start over if you need to. Don’t let one slip cause you to quit the whole program.

8. Share your resolutions with a buddy. It’s easier to exercise with supportive family and friends.

9. Believe in yourself. Post positive, affirming, and encouraging words to your bathroom mirror, desk, and refrigerator.

10. Celebrate your successes. Congratulate and reward yourself.

I pray that God will lead you to make the resolutions you most care about and start the new year with a new beginning.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us—yes, establish the work of our hands." (Psalm 90:12,17)

                                                       Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Good News with Great Joy

Ever since I got sick, my grandchildren have been careful not to tire me out when they come to visit. Although my heart wanted to play many games with them and read one book after another to them, I was more aware of my limitation.

So that night, when my three youngest grandkids came, after playing one game of Chinese Checkers with them, I was happy that the older two wanted to read by themselves. I asked the youngest whether she wanted to play with NaiNai and she nodded happily. That's because she usually could only be my assistant to move marbles when I played with her older siblings.

Since there were only two of us, I slowed down and took the opportunity to explain the rules of the Chinese checkers game step by step. She chose the red marbles and I chose the white marbles. I asked her to place the marbles on the chessboard in their respective positions, and then asked her to make the first move.

"Remember, when it's your turn, you can move your marble by walking or jumping over another marble. You can do this, and you can do this. Give it a try."

She took action timidly, then smiled.

"You can move your marble by jumping over another marble to go farther. Watch how NaiNai jumps."

She tried jumping over another marble, but it was random, not in a straight line.

"See how these marbles jump off and form different lines? When a marble jumps, it has to stay in the same line. Like this."

Starting where one of the marbles was, I moved her finger along the lines, one line at a time.

"When you jump over another marble, you need to count how many holes there are on each side to make sure the marble lands in the right place. If there are one, two, or three holes here, there should be one, two, or three holes there. Count the holes."

After learning a simple jump, I went on to teach her how to jump over many marbles in a row, taking advantage of every marble she could jump over along the way. She happily jumped from one side of the board to the other, jumping as far as she could. Watching her count holes or try to stay in a straight line, I knew she understood.

At a good moment, I continued to show her how to jump the marble backwards, thus taking a different route. It's not that easy to learn, so I don't force it on her and just let her choose to walk or jump, as long as the marble can move. I also deliberately slowed down, walking one step at a time, and not jumping too far at once. The four years old is enjoying this game, and we have a lot of fun together. 

Finally, when she moved her last marble to the final target, she excitedly raised her arms and shouted, "I won! I won!" Then, she looked at me and added, "With your help."

"With my help?"

She smiled and nodded: "With your help, I won!"

Sometimes I get frustrated that things don’t go as planned because I’m sick and can’t pick up the pace. But in this precious moment, my little granddaughter taught me a valuable lesson. Because, my "slow" pace can bring the joy of success to a little girl.

"Dear Lord Jesus Christ, with your help, I am still alive. Thank you for saving me and giving me new life. Thank you for helping me from feeling lonely or afraid in difficult situations. You are with me every step of the way as I take the path of grace.”

"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.' " (Luke 2:8-11)

Count Your Blessings

My husband James plays the harmonica, but prefers to whistle. Whether it’s a hymn, an old pop song, or a movie theme song, he can whistle a beautiful melody anytime, anywhere. During weekly family worship with our son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren, because of the small font in the hymnbook and his poor eyesight, James simply closed his eyes and whistled to join our son’s guitar accompaniment. Even when James has never sung a song before, he can often listen and match the tune.

For many years I have envied James who taught himself to play the harmonica and whistles. He makes music with his heart, ears and mouth. Although I have learned pipa, piano and vocal music, I have never been able to whistle; no matter what, I can't even make a sound other than a whirring

In recent months, I have experienced severe pain in my lower back and middle back, including muscle spasms in my chest and ribcage, especially when getting in and out of bed. I had difficulty breathing, rapid heartbeat... and poor sleep quality. I was eventually diagnosed with spinal compression fracture. Severe pain and cramps are caused by every muscle working extremely hard. Eventually I had to wear a special back brace to protect and help my spine heal. I had no strength to do anything.

During this period, James took me to visit family doctor, orthopedics, cardiology, physical therapy, and various types of tests and scans. While leading Bible studies and preaching as usual, he did all the housework. I felt sorry that I had burdened him, and I worried that he would get tired and fall ill. Sometimes I felt very sad and disappointed. I had just retired, moved, and reunited with our son and family. I really didn’t understand why I fell sick at this time. Sometimes I feel resentful and unwilling to lose my health. I am afraid of not having the chance to see my grandchildren grow up.

Thank God that James took care of me without complaint. When I was depressed and felt useless, he would ask me: "Do I have to seek your forgiveness if I am sick?" He also reminded me of our retirement and interstate move, pointing out how the smooth transitions are all by God’s grace and timing. "Think about it, if we were still living in California and you were so seriously ill, would I want to move? Could our son, daughter-in-law and grandkids come to visit you so often?"

Every day, apart from sleeping, eating, receiving treatment, slowly pushing my walker back and forth, and doing simple rehabilitation exercises, I seemed unable to do anything. But when I saw James doing housework step by step with ease, and heard him whistling while he worked, I gradually felt relieved. Yes, things are tough right now, but everyone has difficult times in their lives. Really, I am so grateful to be alive. For my family, for my health, for everything I have, and if the Lord is willing, I want to live well.

I began to recover in peace day by day reading Scripture, praying, enjoying the presence of our Lord Jesus. When I was tired, I would go to bed. If I couldn’t sleep, I would take deep breaths and recite Scriptures. When I woke up, I would listen to hymns or Bible readings, and walk slowly. This is how I realize the Lord’s good will. The Lord’s grace is sufficient for me, and it is new every morning. One day, I told my son that I couldn’t whistle and I could only whir. To show that I really didn't know how, I pursed my lips without thinking, and unexpectedly made a sound. It was incredible.

I continued to practice whistling, and I was able to whistle a simple children's song. Even though it was not tuned well, my grandchildren could still guess what song it was. After a few days, I started to whistle "Count Your Blessings" with lyrics written by Johnson Oatman Jr. and music composed by Edwin O. Excell. Here is the first stanza and the refrain:

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done. 

Refrain:

Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God has done;
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your many blessings, see what God has done."

Do You Have Trust Issues?

Everyone has different levels and styles of trust. For example, a person may trust a family member completely even though no other family members or outsiders are willing to open up to that person.

It can be difficult to trust if you've been hurt—as a child, in a romantic relationship or in a situation that seemed "out of the blue." Rejection, betrayal or abuse are never easy to deal with.

But sometimes we build such a strong wall around ourselves that we miss opportunities to develop wonderful, healthy and lasting relationships with loved ones, friends and colleagues. Answer true or false to the statements below to discover what role mistrust may be playing in your life.

1. I keep my problems to myself and don’t tell others.

2. I don't like to depend on others; they almost always let me down.

3. It’s too risky to reveal my weaknesses to my spouse.

4. I tend to expect the worst from people; that way, I won't be disappointed.

5. People are basically "in it" for themselves. There's no such thing as people doing things for others out of the goodness of their heart.

6. I don't rely on anyone other than myself.

7. I assume my loved one will cheat on me; that's why I have to stay observant.

8. I feel insecure in unknown situations.

9. I make no promises and I don’t ask for them.

10. I've been betrayed before; there's no way I'm letting that happen again.

11. People and situations are never predictable, so it's important to keep my guard up.

12. When it comes to making things happen, I'm on my own; it's all up to me.

13. I know that I am the only one truly committed to my success in life or business.

14. Loyalty never lasts.

15. You might be able to trust people when times are good, but forget it when things become challenging.

16. When my partner isn't around, I feel anxious, worried, even paranoid.

17. When someone becomes interested in me, I feel suspicious.

18. There's no one with whom I feel I can completely be myself.

If you answered true to five or more of the statements, you may want to explore your concerns around trusting others. Remember: trust must be earned. But if you don't give others a chance to earn that trust, you may be missing out on fulfilling relationships and a more supported life.

Do you live in fear or in faith? Now might be a good time to find out what you're afraid of and where this story comes from. Obviously, if you cannot trust others, it may be difficult for you to trust God, rely on Him, and lean on Him from the bottom of your heart; and vice versa. Do you have trust difficulties?

When you read, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6), do you feel disbelief, worry, relief or something else? Are you willing to pray to God to change your habit of “unbelief”?

“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:” (Psalm 37:5) because "blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord; whose confidence is in Him” (Jeremiah 17:7)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Listen to Your Body

The body holds most of the information we need to function optimally, but we often ignore what it is saying and focus only on what our brains are telling us. Perhaps because we are not taught from a young age to focus on balancing internal information with external demands, we neglect the body's communications.

Therefore, we often resort to taking a stronger painkiller instead of investigating what is causing our pain. We use more caffeine or sugar to give us a lift when we feel tired, rather than hearing the message from our body that it needs a break or recognizing fatigue as an early symptom of burnout and paying attention to it. By observing children, we may better understand the importance of taking naps.

We fail to take into account the thousand little messages communicated to us by how we’re holding ourselves: the mouth that’s pinched and tight rather than relaxed. The fact that our shoulders are up around our ears, the knot of tension in our stomach as we promise to do something when closer consideration might tell us we are already over-extended.

These days we’re notorious for putting deadlines ahead of the protests of aching bones or inadequately nourished bellies. Too often, instead of asking our body what it wants, we go for the quick fill-up or the comfort food that may be the last thing we really need.

So how do you give your body an equal say in how you use it?

Start with the breath. Breathing consciously is a major part of body awareness. Thank God for every breath. Turn off thoughts and just let yourself experience the inflow and outflow of breath. Label them, “In. Out. In. Out.” Note how and where you are breathing. Not breathing properly is a clear sign that something important is going on.

Allow yourself quiet time. Sit for ten minutes just observing yourself, even (especially!) in the middle of a busy day. Meditate on Scripture and pray. Take a walk or a nap. Allow time to do nothing. Soak in a hot tub rather than taking a quick shower.

Get a massage. It’s not self-indulgence to be massaged. It wakes up the whole nervous system and helps you tune in.

Use your journal to dialogue with your body. Ask your body how it’s feeling, what it wants, and what’s going on. Give that sore wrist or stiff lower back a voice and let it tell you what its message is.

Eat when hungry, sleep when tired. Take a week and really pay attention to your body’s most basic needs. Do your real rhythms for eating and sleeping conform to the habits you’ve established? If they don’t, change them!

Do a body inventory to relax. Start with your toes and work upwards. Scan your body from the inside. Or try tensing each part slightly, then relaxing it to release residual tension.

Practice mindfulness. Get used to tuning in to your physical self, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing.

Reflect on spiritual truth. Nobody likes to be sick, not even a common cold. Life is short. Being sick interrupts our plans. But isn't there more to life than just our physical wellness and existence?

God uses our families and churches to build us up. The Bible describes the church as the family of God and the body of Christ.

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ... Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many... As it is, there are many parts, but one body... If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it." (1 Corinthians 12:12-27)

If we need to take care of our physical body, isn’t it even more important to take care of the Body of Christ? Are you listening to your body?

I am so grateful to belong to a community filled with love and unity! The hurt caused by my family of origin made me long for a perfect family since I was a child. After believing in the Lord, I realized that God’s family can be different. Of course, local churches in various places will still have problems.  Only by everyone "living in Christ" can a church be transformed into "the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth." (1 Timothy 3:15)

How can we as individuals and as churches be shaped by God? "Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches." (Revelation 2:7,11,17,29; 3:6,13,22)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Tending the Fences: Setting Healthy Boundaries

"Good fences make good neighbors." This is a line from a poem by American poet Robert Frost.

Likewise, good personal boundaries make for good relationships. Boundaries are those invisible lines of protection you draw around yourself. They let people know your limits on what they can say or do around you. Healthy boundaries give you freedom in relating to others. Make them too solid and you build walls, too weak and you allow other’s actions to harm you.

It’s not always clear where our boundaries are or need to be. Recognizing and studying the signs of ignored or ineffective boundaries is a good place to start, as these “symptoms” give clues to the needed boundary. See if any of the following ring true for you.

Aloofness and distance. When you are unwilling or fearful of opening your space to others, or when you build walls to insure that others don’t invade your emotional or physical space, this may be a defense against cruel behavior, abuse or neglect that you allowed to happen. A person with healthy boundaries draws a line over which they will not allow anyone to cross. They recognize their right to say, “No!”

Habitual aggressiveness. This kind of attitude declares, “I dare you to come too close!” and is often the result of anger over a past violation or ignoring of your physical or emotional space by others. Healthy boundaries mean you are able to speak up when your space has been violated, leaving you free to trust that you can assertively protect yourself to ensure you are not hurt.

Over-enmeshment.  In some groups, the rule of interactions is that everyone must do everything together, and everyone must think, feel and act in the same way, without deviation from group norms. Healthy boundaries acknowledge that you have the right to explore your own interests, hobbies and outlets. 

Invisibility. The goal here is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated. Healthy boundaries are in effect when you stand up for yourself—be visible, be heard—so that others can learn to respect your rights, needs and personal space.

Dissociation. If you experience “blank out” or “go away” during stressful emotional events, it results in your being out of touch with your feelings and unable to assert your limits. Healthy boundaries allow you to assertively protect yourself from further violation or hurt, and to choose to end relationships with those who will not respect them. With healthy boundaries, you can begin to feel your feelings again.

Smothering and lack of privacy. When another is overly concerned about your needs and interests, or when nothing you think, feel or do is your own business, it can be intrusive into your emotional and physical space, leaving you feeling overwhelmed or like you are being strangled. Healthy boundaries ask that others respect your uniqueness, your choices, your autonomy. 

Applying Boundaries

Once we see where our limits need to be clarified or put into place, we can begin to install fence posts or patch holes, to keep unwanted critters out. Here are some strategies for applying limits when your boundaries are intruded upon:

•  Calm yourself and take deep breaths.

•  Remind yourself of your right to set limits.

•  In a firm and composed manner, tell the other person how you feel.

•  Communicate clearly what your limits are, especially when you are extending a new boundary.

•  Ask the other person to respect your boundaries.

•  Make decisions about the relationship according to how the other person responds to your request.

Our kids and teenagers need boundaries and structures so that they can learn self-control and grow into taking ownership of more and more responsibilities. Choices all have natural and logical consequences. By respecting personal boundary, young people can earn their freedom and experience the reality of living in this world. So, in daily living, it is always important to differentiate between what you would do for yourself, what others would do for themselves, and what they really need help with.

Boundaries are fences, not walls. They shouldn't be too tight or too loose, just make your boundaries well known and apply them consistently. Good personal boundaries really help in building good relationships, personal growth and the building up of the other person. May all parents, relying on the grace and wisdom of our Lord Jesus, teach by example and by words, and guide their children to establish healthy boundaries amidst the impact of cultural turmoil.

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load." (Galatians 6:1-5)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications