Develop Emotional Resilience to Meet Challenges

Major disruptions are traps we all experience at one time or another in our lives. We get fired, laid off or passed over; a loved one dies, leaves or gets in trouble; a project stalls or gets cancelled. The list, unfortunately, is endless.

For some, the impact of these hard times is overwhelming. Recovery, if it comes at all, can be painfully slow. Others show resilience and are admirably able to glide through these times fairly easily, bouncing back to a normal life again quickly. Resilience -- the strength required to adapt to change -- acts as our internal compass so we can resourcefully navigate an upset.

When unexpected events turn life upside down, it's the degree to which our resiliency comes into play that makes these "make-or-break" situations an opportunity for growth. The good news is that each of us has the capacity to reorganize our life after a disruption and to achieve new levels of strength and meaningfulness. Though it's easy to feel vulnerable in the midst of chaos and uncertainty, life disruptions are not necessarily a bad thing because they help us grow and meet future challenges in our lives. It's a lot like a bone that was once fragile or broken, and is now strong from being used.

So how can you become more resilient? Here's a look at seven key characteristics of Christians who demonstrate resilience during life's twists and turns.

1. A Sense of Hope and Trust in God
Resilient people rely on their belief in the basic goodness of God and trust that things will turn out alright in the end. This positive attitude allows them to weather times when everything seems bleak and to look for and accept the support that is out there. This approach toward the world gives them the ability to hope for a better future.

2. Interpreting Experiences in a New Light
The ability to look at a situation in a new way (a skill called "reframing") can minimize the impact of a difficult situation. Christians can reframe situations through the perspective of a loving and faithful God. Resilient people take a creative approach toward solving a problem, and don't always use an old definition for a new challenge.

3. A Meaningful System of Support
One of the best ways to endure a crisis is to have the support of another person who can listen and validate your feelings. Knowing that others care and will come to our support decreases the feeling of isolation, especially when tackling a problem alone. It's important to choose people you trust. Don't be surprised if it takes several friends, each of whom can provide different kinds of support. Resilient people aren't stoic loners. They know the value of expressing their fears and frustrations, as well as receiving support, coaching or guidance from friends, family or a professional. Even if people fail you, remember that God will never leave you nor forsake you. God is your ultimate support!

4. Believing that God is in Control of Your Life
You may not be able to predict the future, but you can face problems with God, not by forces beyond your control. Resilient people know that ultimately their survival and the integrity of their life values depend on their ability to take action rather than remain passive. Tough times call for you to tap into your own sense of personal responsibility while journeying with God and others. Knowing God controls circumstances and outcomes, we can be free from performance anxiety while motivated to do our best for the glory of His Kingdom.

5. Self-Reflection and Insight

Life's experiences provide fertile ground for learning. Asking yourself questions that invite introspection can open a door to new understanding and appreciation of who you are and what you stand for. Giving voice to your thoughts and feelings leads to insight and helps transform the meaning of a problem into something useful. Resilient people learn from life situations and do not succumb to punishing themselves because of decisions made in the past. Identity unleashed: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1).

6. A Wide Range of Interests
People who show resilience in the face of adversity are those who have a diversity of interests. They're open to new experiences and ideas. Because their lives are rich and varied, it's easier for them to find relief from the ramifications and worries that often accompany a crisis. Each person has strengths and weaknesses. Each one of us is unique in God's eyes.

7. Sense of Humor
Have you ever had a wry laugh during a difficult situation? The ability to see the absurdity, irony, or genuine humor in a situation stimulates our sense of hope and possibility. Humor has both psychological and physical benefits in relieving stress because it encourages a swift change in your perception of your circumstances -- and when your thoughts change, your mood follows. Christians can rejoice even in our suffering because we know and trust we are loved by God for eternity.

When you look to improve these seven areas now before adversity hits, you'll be able to bounce back more quickly. By practicing in real life, you will influence your kids and develop resilience in them -- by showing, not just telling.

 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

No One Wins in the Blaming Game

Whether we fabricate unbelievable excuses like, "The dog ate my homework," or blame others for what happens to us, we give up not only responsibility for our lives, but also our power.

When things go wrong, blame is an easy way of taking the spotlight off ourselves and shining it on others. From the first excuse we used as a child, shifting blame often becomes an all-purpose gadget in our toolbox of defenses, so handy we often reach for it without even thinking.

Why do people blame?

• Blame is a ready outlet for anger, hurt and disappointment. It is always easier to point the finger at someone for our troubles than to consider our own roles in causing or maintaining the problems.

• Having someone to blame allows us to maintain our self-image. In our own eyes, we can remain that punctual, efficient person we would be except for the interferences and inefficiencies of other people.

• Blame is a reflex action. It's the first thing you say when you've been caught and you need to preserve your dignity. Remember the time you tripped over a loose brick left on the sidewalk and immediately cried out, "What idiot left that here?"

• Blame is a convenient form of procrastination. To our own ears, the flimsiest of excuses can sound like a reasonable explanation when someone else is at fault. "I would build that bookshelf for you today if Jack had returned the tools he borrowed."

• Blame can act as a defense. Shifting responsibility to someone else can be comforting. For examples: "If only my parents had encouraged me, I could have become a really great dancer" and "if only your boss didn't demand so much, you'd have more time for those classes you want to take."

• Blaming others is less painful than blaming ourselves. If we regret choices we have made in our lives, pointing the finger at someone else means we don't have to own up to our decisions, some of which might not have been the wisest.

• Blame can be a potent psychological weapon. Making others feel guilty can give us a feeling of power.

• Blame obscures the root and true nature of problems. As long as someone or something else is responsible for our feelings, our failures, our lives, we don't have to do anything. The problem is not ours, but theirs.

The benefits of taking responsibility

.• The consequence of blame is that it traps us in the past and prevents us from moving forward. Blaming others keeps us in the role of victims. However, that didn't help change anything.

• While we may not always have complete control over what happens, we do have control over our own reactions and emotions. One way to claim our lives is by taking 100 percent responsibility for what we feel. Rather than "you make me feel...," say, "I feel... "

• Like using chewing gum and baling wire for a repair job, blame may be a handy tool, but it won't hold up over time. Using blame makes us forget we have power to control our own lives by the grace of the Lord, and that we can choose to take responsibility for ourselves and enjoy the freedom in Christ.

Are you familiar with when and how blame entered into the world?

God said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”

The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”  (Genesis 3:11-13)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

How to Handle Resentments

Some people can spend hours dwelling on the wrongs done them, the injustices, the slights, the snubs, insults, indifferences, slurs, and just plain bad treatment. They can think of a particular instance and, sure as Pavlov’s dog, up comes the same feeling the original occurrence caused, and they get mad all over again. They hold onto their resentments with the same tenacity that dog’s hair might cling to a cashmere sweater.

Resent comes from the French word sentir, to feel or experience. To resent something or someone is to feel again the fear, the anger, the hurt, the humiliation, the pain of the original experience — real or imagined. Carried along with us, this feeling gets packed away in a bag labeled grudge or blame. It’s a bag full of judgments where other people are always wrong and at fault, and, after a while, it can make for a pretty heavy load.

“Of all the futile and destructive emotions to which human beings are prey, perhaps the most universal is resentment,” said Theodore Dalrymple in his essay, “The Uses of Resentment.” Resentment eats away at self-esteem and peace of mind. It replaces hope with bitterness and opportunities for growth with stagnation. If a person can blame someone else, then they don’t have to take responsibility for themselves. 

Of course, we can’t always have control over what happened to us, especially if we were children, but we do have control on how we choose to respond to it today, and how we will deal with it.

A life filled with resentments chains the one who would be victim and stifles any change that could make life easier, more productive and joyful. “Resentments,” as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous puts it, “keep us from the sunlight of the spirit.”

From one perspective, any time a resentment takes up emotional space, it indicates there’s something at issue that has not been resolved. Maybe the best thing is to slow down and try to see what part of is still trying to get your attention.

Getting rid of old resentments isn’t as easy as simply saying, “Resentment, be gone.” Judgments, the need to be right, not taking responsibility for certain actions or behaviors, a feeling of being special or entitled, vindictiveness or a need for revenge, a simple (or not so simple) misunderstanding, or an inability to forgive — all these might be in the way of releasing resentments.

Along with causing a “re-feeling” of the original emotion, resentments give a person an opportunity to re-look at the event or situation. Sometimes holding onto a resentment is a way of avoiding pain, and this re-looking can unlock the doors that have held it at bay. 

How to deal with old resentments? Write them down; talk about them, not in a blaming way, but with a willingness to see all sides of the issue. Determine what the lessons are, what needs to be let go of, what needs more work. You may begin to see where empathy can create wholeness and where forgiveness can heal. 

Tragedies in my family of origin, including my grandma's preference of boys over girls, my dad's infidelity to my mom, and Mommy's untimely death caused me to be filled with inexplicable resentment in my married life. I thank the Lord Jesus for the opportunity to break free from the bondage of sin. Not only was I released from resentment, I was able to forgive those who had hurt me, so that I could experience freedom in Christ. I am especially grateful that my father finally believed in the Lord. The old has gone, the new is here! 

"Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong ... Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil." (Psalm 37:1,7-8)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

In Your Anger Do Not Sin

The day before I left Hong Kong in August 1973, my Mommy insisted on personally ironing my every shirt. I was packing when I suddenly heard her yelled, "Oh, No!"

Rushing out of the room, seeing the burn marks on the pointed collar of my yellow blouse, I couldn't help but shout, "Mommy! Why did you do that?"

But I felt bad as soon as the words came out.  I hurriedly fled the scene and ran back to the room to hide my frustration and disappointment.

It seemed that my head was about to explode. I was mad at losing my favorite top. That silk blouse had a pointed collar, a bright yellow background, and a cute pattern of little white elephants. Not only did it look good in my eyes, but it was often envied by my classmates and friends. Now that one collar was burned, how could I wear it again?

On the other hand, Mommy's pale face reminded me of her sacrificial love.  How could I lose temper at Mommy before leaving to study in the United States? The blouse was ruined, and I broke her heart. Why did I do that? The more I thought about it, the more guilty I felt. Tears were streaming down my face.

Just when I was frustrated and dazed, Mommy showed up and said in a gentle voice, "Your blouse is good to go again. Look!" She held up the blouse with a smile. After her skillful repair, the pointed collars on both sides became round collars and the blouse looked cuter than before. Through my tears I smiled again.

We hugged goodbye the next day. I didn't expect it to be a farewell, but I never saw Mommy again. Two years later, her heart suddenly stopped and she died in Hong Kong at the age of forty-eight.

At that time, I was still a college student who recently got married after only 3 months of dating. (My husband and his family had immigrated from Taiwan a few years back.) I never had the chance to fulfill my childhood dream of buying a big house for Mommy and taking her around the world, and my biggest regret is that she never saw my husband, son, and grandkids.

However, I will never forget her selfless and gracious love. Her understanding, acceptance and forgiveness had always encouraged and motivated me. Thank God for my Mommy! Years later, I got to know the Lord Jesus and experienced the great love of my Heavenly Father. I began to learn the importance of being responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, words and deeds. I want to love people around me, especially those closest to me, while I still have time.

“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Ten Fears that Make Us Withdraw

Fear often stands between us and our ability to make decisions, take actions, ask for what we want—even to know what we really want. It is the gatekeeper of our comfort zone. But as poet-philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “He has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.” Below are 10 fears that commonly get in our way.

1. Fear of being judged. Many people often need the approval of family members or friends to have the courage to act. Once denied, we are often unable to bravely pursue our dreams and goals.

2. Fear of rejection. Rejection just means that someone else has a different opinion.

3. Fear of emotional pain. Rather than incapacitate us, painful feelings can sharpen our sense of joy and gratitude.

4. Fear of embarrassment. Sometimes it's terrible when our mistakes are made public, and we feel ashamed. But in fact, it is not so embarrassing and scary to face mistakes bravely and correct them in time.

5. Fear of being alone and abandoned. Don't worry too much. A strong sense of self-worth and what we can offer the world reduces this fear.

6. Fear of failure. A biggie for most of us and born of the notion that it’s not OK to fail. Don't be afraid, believe in the famous saying "Failure is the mother of success".

7. Fear of success. More responsibility, more attention, pressure to perform can be frightening when we don’t believe in ourselves. But in fact, our contribution to this world is reflected in this aspect.

8. Fear of expressing feelings. An authentic life means being willing to express our true feelings to our loved ones, colleagues, adversaries—even ourselves.

9. Fear of intimacy. Emotional intimacy—really being seen by another—can be very scary. However, there is no need to hide. Sometimes you may be more likable when you are real and be yourself.

10. Fear of the unknown. The unknown can be exciting and expansive if we shift our fear to curiosity.

So, don't worry and fear too much, because God tells us that all things work together. Sometimes bad things and feelings are God's way to prepare us to receive what is better. With faith in Christ, we pray and rely on God to transcend everything by experiencing the presence of God. 

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4)

Remember Good Friday.  Don't forget that Easter is just around the corner!

Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

How to Interrupt Negative Patterns

When unfavorable situations, actions and emotional conflicts happen again and again in your life—same scene, different characters—there's a good chance you are in the presence of a negative "pattern."

Some examples. Repeatedly choosing the wrong friend or partner, having constant conflicts with coworkers, being chronically in debt, trying to please others, seeming to get along with everyone, but often throwing tantrums at a family member you care most about!

At best, these negative patterns lead to frustration. At worst, they cause undue pain, uphill struggle, bodily harm, and sometimes even death.

The good news is: you have the power to change these negative patterns. Below are some ways to begin to disrupt them so that you can start laying down new, more positive patterns.

Become aware.

No matter how entrenched a pattern seems, the act of noticing begins the shift away from damaging thoughts or behaviors. Put simply, you can't change what you're not aware of.

One way to increase awareness is to sit and think and observe patterns. The goal here is to pay attention, nothing more.

In this step, focus your awareness on just the facts and feelings of the patterns. Don't let your mind wander into the analysis of "why" you have them right now, for it will likely try to justify and defend the pattern. You can analyze later (see below); for now, just notice.

Also, ask people you trust to help you see the patterns. Our blind spots are called "blind" for a reason; we just don't see them. But they'll be clear to others.

Discover the hidden payoff.

Becoming aware of your negative patterns, and you will see evidence they are damaging you and your relationships. For example, your pattern of conflict with co-workers has gotten you fired several times, and now your resume reflects that pattern, too.

The key to interrupting negative patterns is to understand this: we generally don't keep repeating behaviors unless, on some level, we get something good out of them.

These hidden reasons are known as "payoffs," and they either help you get more of something you want or avoid something you don't want.

In the example above, the person in constant conflict with co-workers could be using the conflict to cover up deep insecurity with the quality of his/her work. The conflict, in effect, distracts from scrutiny.

Or the conflict could stem from uncensored outspokenness. The person may have an oppressive situation at home, and being excessively frank at work may allow him/her to feel powerful and self-expressive in at least one arena of life. 

Look for positive patterns.

One of the best ways to disrupt the negative patterns that may be wreaking havoc with your life is to also study the positive patterns in your life. For these can be "grafted" onto your negative patterns with great success.

For example, you can use the discipline you've been exercising regularly to stop using credit to finance your lifestyle. For another example, if the boss calls during a quarrel, the couple can immediately stop the fight.

Even if you will, if you are frustrated that things are too difficult to change, remember that you are not alone. There is hope because "what is impossible with man is possible with God" (Luke 18:27)

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Top 10 Daily Practices of Loving Relationships

"Better a small serving of vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred." (Proverbs 15:17)

Living with those you love—whether they be your spouse, children or older parents—brings intimacy and stresses that are different from other relationships. Here are 10 daily practices that help keep the love flowing and the relationships growing.

1. Share something from your day. Involve your loved ones in your life outside the home and inside your heart.
2. Express gratitude. Show that you notice their daily contributions to the family and your life. Receiving a “thank you” for doing the dishes or taking out the trash feels soooo good!
3. Eat dinner together. Connecting with each other over food is an ancient human practice. It’s worth it to make time for this heart warming activity.
4. Do something for yourself. Doing what nourishes you strengthens your relationships. 
5. Smile. Laughing is even better—especially if it’s laughing at yourself!
6. Express regret and make up. The sooner the better. And from a truly open heart.
7. Take responsibility. Renew daily your vow to hunt out your own “stuff,” to own it as yours, and to do the work of transforming it.
8. Be a sanctuary. Give a safe and comforting place where you provide "shade” to each other from the scorching rays of difficult days.
9. Speak from the heart. Risk telling the truth about your feelings.
10. Envision the best. It’s a wonderful bedtime meditation to visualize your loved ones inhabiting their highest, best selves. 

How can we love someone who is not that lovable at the moment? "We love because God first loved us." (1 John 4:19).

There are many Bible verses that guide us on how to love God and others. As long as we are willing to follow God’s precepts and practice daily, we can build a close, loving, harmonious and warm home together with our families.

"May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you." (1 Thessalonians 3:12)

                                                                                                        Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications