How to Interrupt Negative Patterns

When unfavorable situations, actions and emotional conflicts happen again and again in your life—same scene, different characters—there's a good chance you are in the presence of a negative "pattern."

Some examples. Repeatedly choosing the wrong friend or partner, having constant conflicts with coworkers, being chronically in debt, trying to please others, seeming to get along with everyone, but often throwing tantrums at a family member you care most about!

At best, these negative patterns lead to frustration. At worst, they cause undue pain, uphill struggle, bodily harm, and sometimes even death.

The good news is: you have the power to change these negative patterns. Below are some ways to begin to disrupt them so that you can start laying down new, more positive patterns.

Become aware.

No matter how entrenched a pattern seems, the act of noticing begins the shift away from damaging thoughts or behaviors. Put simply, you can't change what you're not aware of.

One way to increase awareness is to sit and think and observe patterns. The goal here is to pay attention, nothing more.

In this step, focus your awareness on just the facts and feelings of the patterns. Don't let your mind wander into the analysis of "why" you have them right now, for it will likely try to justify and defend the pattern. You can analyze later (see below); for now, just notice.

Also, ask people you trust to help you see the patterns. Our blind spots are called "blind" for a reason; we just don't see them. But they'll be clear to others.

Discover the hidden payoff.

Becoming aware of your negative patterns, and you will see evidence they are damaging you and your relationships. For example, your pattern of conflict with co-workers has gotten you fired several times, and now your resume reflects that pattern, too.

The key to interrupting negative patterns is to understand this: we generally don't keep repeating behaviors unless, on some level, we get something good out of them.

These hidden reasons are known as "payoffs," and they either help you get more of something you want or avoid something you don't want.

In the example above, the person in constant conflict with co-workers could be using the conflict to cover up deep insecurity with the quality of his/her work. The conflict, in effect, distracts from scrutiny.

Or the conflict could stem from uncensored outspokenness. The person may have an oppressive situation at home, and being excessively frank at work may allow him/her to feel powerful and self-expressive in at least one arena of life. 

Look for positive patterns.

One of the best ways to disrupt the negative patterns that may be wreaking havoc with your life is to also study the positive patterns in your life. For these can be "grafted" onto your negative patterns with great success.

For example, you can use the discipline you've been exercising regularly to stop using credit to finance your lifestyle. For another example, if the boss calls during a quarrel, the couple can immediately stop the fight.

Even if you will, if you are frustrated that things are too difficult to change, remember that you are not alone. There is hope because "what is impossible with man is possible with God" (Luke 18:27)

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Top 10 Daily Practices of Loving Relationships

"Better a small serving of vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred." (Proverbs 15:17)

Living with those you love—whether they be your spouse, children or older parents—brings intimacy and stresses that are different from other relationships. Here are 10 daily practices that help keep the love flowing and the relationships growing.

1. Share something from your day. Involve your loved ones in your life outside the home and inside your heart.
2. Express gratitude. Show that you notice their daily contributions to the family and your life. Receiving a “thank you” for doing the dishes or taking out the trash feels soooo good!
3. Eat dinner together. Connecting with each other over food is an ancient human practice. It’s worth it to make time for this heart warming activity.
4. Do something for yourself. Doing what nourishes you strengthens your relationships. 
5. Smile. Laughing is even better—especially if it’s laughing at yourself!
6. Express regret and make up. The sooner the better. And from a truly open heart.
7. Take responsibility. Renew daily your vow to hunt out your own “stuff,” to own it as yours, and to do the work of transforming it.
8. Be a sanctuary. Give a safe and comforting place where you provide "shade” to each other from the scorching rays of difficult days.
9. Speak from the heart. Risk telling the truth about your feelings.
10. Envision the best. It’s a wonderful bedtime meditation to visualize your loved ones inhabiting their highest, best selves. 

How can we love someone who is not that lovable at the moment? "We love because God first loved us." (1 John 4:19).

There are many Bible verses that guide us on how to love God and others. As long as we are willing to follow God’s precepts and practice daily, we can build a close, loving, harmonious and warm home together with our families.

"May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you." (1 Thessalonians 3:12)

                                                                                                        Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Take Stock of Your Life to a New Beginning

Whenever we enter a new year from the last, we will naturally look back and look ahead. This year, why not consider taking more time to evaluate your current life after reviewing last year and looking forward to the new year?

Who are you? What do you believe? What do you want?  What do you really need?

When we discover who we really are, we stop living on autopilot and start to live with intention, focus and purpose. Our choices become clearer. We begin to make active choices in our life, instead of making excuses or passively living with the status quo.

Here are a few questions to get you started. Have a journal or some way to record your thoughts. (Writing by hand keeps you in touch with your breath and your heart.)

• What do you want to express the most?

• What in you needs healing?

• What unique gifts, talents and skills do you bring to the world? How are you using them (or not)?

• Who do you need to forgive? Do you need to forgive yourself?

• What beliefs are holding you back or getting in your way?

• What can you let go of in your life?

• What makes you happy?

Don't forget to consider the vital information that other "parts" of yourself are giving you. When you use only your head, your experience of yourself and the world is more limited.

• What is your body telling you? When someone yells at you, does your stomach tie up in knots? Do your shoulders stiffen when you've been too focused on fulfilling others' needs and ignoring your own? Notice the messages your body is giving you.

• Check in with your heart. The heart is the home of what is most alive in us. What does your heart have to say about your job? Your relationships? About how you spend your days? Does it need more play, rest and recreation time? Is something missing? What, according to your heart, really matters?

• Listen to your intuition, your spirit, your "gut." Your inner voice speaks volumes, but often gets ignored. What is this voice saying now? What are you yearning for? What voices are you listening to? Don't forget: If you are in Christ, you are a New Creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). Would you like to walk in the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:16) moment by moment to live out your new life? 

Don't forget to notice what you already have that is working. Acknowledge and give thanks for the gifts and the beauty and the miracles that are in your life right now. Write them down.

• Tell the truth. Now is the time to start being honest about who you really are. Encouraging those unlived parts of ourselves to emerge can provide an exhilarating sense of discovery and optimism for the New Year and beyond.

May God protect the physical, mental, and spiritual health of you and your family. May the oldest psalm in the Bible be a prayer for you and me in the New Year: "Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom" (Psalm 90:1, 2, 12).

                                                                                          Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Ten Fears that Ruin Relationships

Loving someone is risky business, so it's natural that fear is present in relationships. But when fear operates in our life in a way that hurts us or hurts others—through aggression or withdrawal—it becomes a problem. Recognizing these fears and how they affect our life can help us make the necessary changes to get the love we want.

1. Fear of losing freedom. Tied down, trapped, cornered, stuck—this "claustrophobia" points to mistaken beliefs about what relationships are supposed to be. The ability to say No in a loving and respectful way, and to set clear and fair boundaries, is an essential ingredient of a healthy relationship.

2. Fear of conflict. Let's face it—love can be messy. But it doesn't have to be destructive. Constructive communication skills can be learned. When handled with caring and respectful communication, conflicts can become vital building blocks of deeper trust and intimacy.

3. Fear of change. Change means work, discomfort and uncertainty. But oh, the rewards of growth and depth and renewal! Try being curious about the changes in you, your partner and your relationship. Apply this to your children, parents, siblings, and other people you care about!

4. Fear of giving up or losing control. We don't have to surrender personal power in a healthy relationship. In fact, in a healthy relationship both partners feel equal while each maintains their uniqueness. If it is a choice between being in control and experiencing true love, which will you choose?

5. Fear of pain. It is not love that creates pain, but our attachments and expectations about what love and relationships, and the behavior of those we love, are supposed to look like. Ultimately, we must decide whether we trust fear or trust love—which of those are we going to "feed?"

6. Fear of being "found out." When we hide our true self from those we love, we're usually afraid that our true self is unlovable. The fear of being found out is the fear of being fully known. When we accept that no one is "perfect," we can open to the marvelous adventure of being deeply known by another and truly getting to know our beloved.

7. Fear of losing self. Often this comes from watching others (parent, friend, relative) suppress their individuality in relationship. The generous giving of oneself—our time, attention, caring and skills—is vital to the success of a relationship, but equally important is to be able to receive from your loved one what they wish to give you. Giving up your needs for your partner is not a loving act, for it means there is less of you present in the relationship.

8. Fear of not being enough. When we fear our own inadequacy, we often expect perfection in our partners. So we use this expectation as a defense against those feelings of inadequacy. We have the choice of taking the risk to love and be loved, or be alone, feeling isolated, with our story of inadequacy. Try changing that story to the true one: that you are a unique, magnificent and lovable being.

9. Fear of rejection. To avoid being rejected, we may push other people away, testing their love, or abandoning them before we ourselves are abandoned—and thereby making our beliefs a reality. Or to avoid being rejected, we may become pleasers, taking our authentic needs and desires out of the equation. Either way, we are not fully committed to being authentically present in the relationship.

10. Fear of dependency. Some people worry about losing the ability to take care of themselves, and others worry about being responsible for their loved one. Neither option creates a fulfilling relationship. To avoid those situations and create a healthy interdependency, stay aware of the boundaries between you and your loved one, and remember that, while you are supportive of each other, you are each responsible for your own feelings and well-being.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)

There are conflicts in interpersonal relationships because everyone is used to seeing things with their own eyes and instinctively protecting themselves. Letting go of fear is easier said than done.

Thank God that in the wilds of Bethlehem one night more than two thousand years ago, an angel said to the shepherds, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” (Luke 2:10-12)

Author's content used under license, © Claire Communications

Cultivating a Grateful Heart

It was another Sunday evening family time online. I was in a breakout room with my third and fifth grandkid. I read a children's book animatedly and they listened attentively. Even my two-year-old granddaughter sat still. After that, they began to draw.

After a while, I said, "Brother Bear and Sister Bear learned to take care of each other, just like the two of you." Looking into my grandson's eyes, I added: "You are a kind and gentle big brother. I like the way you take care of your younger sisters. After your baby sister was born, I visited all of you. When we walked in the park, you held your little sister’s hand. Remember?"

He looked at me with an innocent smile. "Really? I don't remember." Immediately his youngest sister jumped up, raised her right hand to the sky, and said excitedly, "I 'member!"

"Oh, you were the little baby I was holding, but I'm glad you remember."

It may be easy for us to be grateful when everything is going well. But with so many bad news in the world, near and far, do you sometimes find it hard to give thanks?

Counting blessings and giving thanks can free our minds from troubles. I like to use the following checklist around Thanksgiving to cultivate a grateful heart. Please try one or two questions.

1. What one biggest gift (tangible or intangible) have you received this year?

2. What two things changed your life this year?

3. What three incidents help you grow in your faith this year?

4. What are the four blessings in your family that you would like to thank God for?

5. What five happy experiences have you had?

6. Even if we take them for granted, which six things God created are necessary for our existence?

7. In your home or outside, which seven people are you most grateful for?

My biggest gift in 2019 is our fifth grandchild. After my daughter-in-law's mother took care of them for a month, I went to help for 24 days. I could hold the baby all day long, even though I had to first sit down and wait for her parents to bring her. I also enjoyed spending time with my other grandchildren, playing one game after another, and reading one storybook after another. In a blink of an eye, the baby is now two years old!

Staying home during the Pandemic has allowed me to walk and talk with my husband every day, and my sciatica pain seems to be gone. It is by the grace of God that we can meet with our son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren online every week. I sincerely thank my Lord.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Have you experienced the grace of God? In boredom and busy, don't forget to enjoy the people in your life and give thanks for them. Let me listen to your gratitude and stress, and pray for you. Happy Thanksgiving!

Try New Ways to Communicate with Your Child

Parents are unique and so are their children. But there are common areas of concerns that parents can do something about. One of such areas is communication.

You probably have heard the saying that “Nobody cares about what you say unless they know you care.”

Parents who love their kids are devastated when preteens and teenagers yelled, “You don’t care!”

If you frequently get that comments from your child, no matter how old they are, pause, take a deep breath, and take some time to reflect on what is going on.  You love your child but how come she or he does not get it?

Does it surprise you that many children and teenagers complain about parents nagging them, being angry and critical of them, not listening to them, or not trusting them? If you have the tendency of reasoning with them but getting nowhere, and if you fear that your relationship is going down the drain, restore your hope by checking whether you could communicate better.

The Bible says, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).

Listening is not easy.  Journalist Mignon McLaughlin once said, "We hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that, and remember only half of that."

When our minds are distracted (e.g. "hey, what is there for lunch?") or we are preparing for a comeback (e.g. "no no no, you get it wrong!"), we are at best half listening. Even worse, we interrupt the other person in mid sentence. In frustration, they interrupt us back hoping their points can be understood. And the vicious cycle continues.

Regarding the content of your talk, the four-sides communication model by Friedemann Schulz von Thun reminds us that every message has four sides (e.g. facets and aspects): fact, self-disclosure, relationship, and appeal.

Not surprisingly, most people put different emphasis on different side(s), depending on who they are talking with and how much time we have.

Which sides do you think are most often communicated by parents to their children?

If you say "facts and appeals", you are right! For many valid reasons (e.g. we don't have time, we have to get something else done, etc.), common parent-child communication is usually limited to "facts and appeal" such as:

"It's late. Go to bed now!"
"You have a test tomorrow, stop playing game and start studying."
"You are not getting enough sleep. Don't waste time on the Internet."
"Your grade is getting worse and worse. You are always chatting and doing homework at the same time. Change your study habit."

The list can go on and on. When it comes to the four aspects of communication, most parents admit that they rarely include relationship (e.g. "I love you") and self-disclosure (e.g. "I'm worried about you not getting enough sleep") when they communicate with their children. These two aspects are particularly important for heart-to-heart connection, and can be strengthened by parents.

When not listened to by their parents, children gradually lose their desires to talk. Some of them get angry and yell back in power struggles; others hold everything inside and become more and more depressed, withdrawn and isolated. Either ways, they have given up talking with their parents. The communication channel is broken.

But when parents start to listen to their children's thoughts, feelings, needs and dreams, many parent-child relationships will improve. Would you like to give it a try?

The Lord Gives Peace

Four days after the "September 11" terrorist attacks in 2001, James and I drove our son to college. In order to arrive the campus early on move-in day, we spent the night at a friend's house nearby. Unexpectedly, even though we arrived pretty early, there were already fleets of cars and vans with incoming students around the dormitory area. We had to line up obediently and wait for the moving service provided by the upper classmen.

Through the winding paths we arrived at the dormitories. The moving team effectively moved our son's luggage into the suite upstairs to the place where our son would live with five other guys. He took the initiative to greet people graciously. I felt relieved watching him initiating interaction with ease. The older brother of one of his roommates noticed his cross necklace and asked whether he was a Christian. They had a good conversation and quickly exchanged phone numbers.

Our son installed his computer with lightning speed and confirmed that everything was working properly. When I was still making his bed, father and son both sent and received emails on the Internet. Sitting at his desk with his hands behind his head, our son looked at the scenery outside the window and proclaimed, "This place is like a palace." Without wasting any time, James declared, "Time to go." Although I was caught off guard, I was able to replied quickly, "Let's go to the bookstore and help buy his text books."

Flooded with sadness of separation, it was hard to suppress the ups and downs in my heart. All I could do was to slow down, pretending I was enjoying the beautiful campus. I took many photos just to delay the inevitable. When we arrived at the bookstore, our son was quick to find his textbooks and lined up to pay with his credit card. Part of me was so proud of him, but part of me had a trace of reluctance. How did he grow up so fast? When we stepped out of the bookstore, James said again, "Time to go." Although I felt incredulous, I pretended to be calm. I looked at my watch and came up with a new idea, "Hey, it's almost noon. Let's have lunch and stay with him for two more hours." They didn't object, but we were strangely silent on the way to the dining hall.

As we were walking, I had many questions in my mind, "Why are they so eager to separate? Other children are reluctant to let their parents go home. Does my son no longer love me? Why doesn't my husband support me?" Suddenly, I thought of "September 11" with news reporting possibilities of additional terrorist attacks. I thought about never seeing my mom again after I came to the United States for college because she died of heart failure two years later. What if...? I had so many mixed feelings, and I couldn't help but feeling sad.

While lining up for food in the dining hall, our son suddenly asked, "Mom, are there tears in your eyes?" It was then that I had to talk about the various struggles and feelings in my heart, e.g. anger, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, and fear ... Thank God that both father and son listened and nodded. They understood and accepted my thoughts and feelings! It turned out that they were also reluctant to part ways, but were hoping to relieve the tension and shorten the pain!

After lunch, I suggested, "Let's take some more pictures on campus, and mom will go home in two hours." They both burst into laughter, knowing that I was delaying on purpose. When James took the final picture, our almost six-foot-tall son put his arm around my shoulder. The tears in my eyes and the smile on my face were a bittersweet proof of a mother sending her son to college.

It was almost midnight when we arrived home. Our son had already sent us an email, "Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for sending me to college. I'm fine, don't worry, the friend I met today will pick me up for church tomorrow morning. Good night. Love you!"

"People have sorrows and joys, departure and reunion. The moon has cloudy, sunny, round and lack." These verses by Poet Su Dongpo describe the gathering and separation of lives, but Jesus is our protection at any time, and He gives us peace. Jesus said to his disciples, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)