One-Liners to Avoid in an Argument

They slice and dice, cutting wounds not easily healed by pacifying words.

They inflame like a lit match near gasoline.

They suck the life out of all that they touch. 

They’re the zingers we fling at each other during arguments, the cruel and aggressive wisecracks or retorts that escalate a fight like nothing else. And when the zingers begin to outnumber the kind words spoken to each other, it may be too late to fix the relationship because the love has dried up and blown away.

Learning how to communicate well in a conflict—how to argue without hurting and insulting each other—is possibly the most important relationship survival skill ever. Doing so reduces divorce and domestic violence rates—and increases personal happiness, relationship satisfaction and peace of mind.

Here, then, are a few one-liners you’d do well to avoid: 

“That’s not what’s happening here!” This is just one of many versions of the line: “I’m right and you’re wrong!” And whether you say it or just think it, the only thing “You’re wrong!” creates is a lose-lose situation. 

“You always…” or “You never…” Starting a sentence with either two-word phrase is guaranteed to raise temperatures. How about stating instead that the other person does XYZ “more times than feels good.” Rather than, “You never listen to me,” try something like this: “When you respond that way, I get the sense that you’re not understanding me in the way I’d like you to.” 

“You really know how to hurt me.” This line assumes that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt you. It also implies that someone other than yourself has power over what you feel. It places you in the role of emotional “victim.” But you can choose whether or not to be hurt by someone’s actions.

“How can you be that way?” This isn’t really a question. It’s an aggressive statement something to the effect of, “You’re a terrible person, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

Of course, these are mild, compared to the even more hurtful words we can come up with in the heat of an argument. But for love to flourish and deepen, for healthy and long-lasting relationships, we need to learn how to incorporate acceptance, self-understanding, compassion and tolerance into our conflicts. And maybe one-liners like, “I love you!”

We keep arguing because we think we are right or we have to defend ourselves even if we were wrong; but there is a deeper meaning: we argue because we care about this particular subject matter. I used to argue with James a lot about parenting issues. To change, I need to have more awareness, knowledge, and skills, and I need to be intentional. How about you? What kind of improvements do you need?

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:19-20)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Workshops at BASS Convention 2017

Some of you are wondering why I am not presenting any workshop at BASS this year. One reason is I wanted to take a break after teaching every year since 2006; but the most important reason is that my husband James will be presenting four workshops this year. So I wanted to be there to listen to him and support him the way he has been supporting me all these years, although I think he still will be his own tech guy!

As you know, I became a Christian in January, 1989 and my changed life caught James by surprise. In order to make sure I was not involved in a cult, James started his own investigation by studying the Bible. And as the saying goes, "The rest is history."

If you wonder how two strong-willed high tech professionals could change and become ONE team as husband and wife (and as parents, grandparents and co-workers in ministries), come and find out how reading and applying the Bible could really change lives by the truth and grace of God.

Here are the line up for four workshops to be presented by Rev. James Chiang. Beware that two will be in English on Friday (Christian Ed track), and two in Mandarin (Asian track) on Saturday. See you there!

Reading Between the Lines: Sharpen Your Bible Interpretation Skills (English)
Friday, March 3, 2017 - 9:00-10:15 AM Room: N11

Reading between the lines will help track the author's train of thought. Why should we capture the train of thought of a Biblical author? An author will develop the points of his writing by leaving clues. Capturing the author's thought process from the clues left for us goes a long way for us to go after God's own heart. This workshop, “Reading between the lines”, introduces a simple method to uncover the biblical author’s train of thought by asking the right questions from the context of the Scripture.

Discovering the Value Gap: Applying Scripture (English)
Friday, March 3, 2017 - 1:30-2:45 PM Room: N11

We all have preconceived notions, and our value system supports and reinforces these notions. Just by understanding the Bible alone will not change our default thinking, unless we could discern the gap between our value system and God's. This workshop helps the Bible reader to discern the gap, thus guiding the reader in personal transformation, in order to acquire the mind of Christ by the renewing of the mind.

Reading Between the Lines: Sharpen Your Bible Interpretation Skills (Mandarin)
《話中有話》︰釋經之銳煉
Saturday, March 4, 2017 - 8:00-9:15 AM Room: N10
研討會將有助於呈現聖經作者的思路。我們為什麼要掌握聖經作者的思路呢？因為這有助於了解神的心意。有時經文的要點並不那麼明顯。為了要捕捉作者的思維，我們有時必須由留在字裡行間的線索來搜尋。本次研討會將介紹一種簡單的方法，從聖經的上文下理找出正確的問題。問出正確的問題可以幫助我們發現聖經作者本來的思路。《話中有話》研討會將以普通話進行。

Discovering the Value Gap: Applying Scripture (Mandarin)
《破舊立新》︰經文的應用
Saturday, March 4, 2017 - 12:45-2:00 PM Room: N10
我們都有先入為主的觀念。這些觀念來自於我們的價值觀，以至根深蒂固。單靠理解聖經很難改變我們先入為主的觀念，除非我們能夠看出我們的價值觀和神心意之間的差距。 《破舊立新》研討會能幫助聖經讀者認清差距，從而導致心意更新而變化，以得著基督的心。 本研討會將以普通話進行。

The Word of God is powerful. Reading His Word and praying establish two-way communication between our God and us. James and I both have come a long way. I am amazed how much I have enjoyed studying the Bible with James and talking about real-life issues that matter to each of us. I pray that these workshops would be helpful to you and other brothers and sisters in your faith community. Looking forward to seeing you at BASS 2017.

You could find out more about BASS 2017 at bassconvention.org

Things to Say Before It's Too Late

It happens again. I caught a cold last Thursday walking towards a community event. I felt bad. Imagine my disappointment being sick one week before visiting my son's family. Could I get well soon?

I needed to stay home to rest. This morning, James and I exchanged "Happy Valentine's Day!" at breakfast before he left all for an all day meeting. He asked me to take a good rest and I said I would.

I was surprised when he came back into the house in just a few minutes.

"Remember what you said about the blinkers?" he asked. "I couldn't start the car. Could you give me a ride to the carpool?"

Last night when he got home, I warned him I had left the blinkers on for a few hours by mistake and wondered whether the car could start today. So I wasn't surprised. But I told him, "How about you just take the van? I will be here all day anyway."

"But I don't want you to be without the van."

"Just in case I need to go somewhere?"

You have to watch our body language and listen to our tone of voice to understand how much we care for each other. I know James cares about me, and that's what counts.

Listening to Our Bodies They Know More than We Do!

Belated Happy New Year! I'm so glad I can write you today. I had no idea I would catch a cold/flu the first week of the year. In order to get well, I had to cancel my appointments, ask someone for support, drink chicken soup, take it easy and rest.

By the grace of God, I recovered in a week and was able to resume my work, including giving two presentations. I am so grateful for my health!

The body holds much of the information we need to function at our best, but too often we ignore its messages and plow ahead with what our minds tell us. Perhaps because we’re not taught from early on to pay attention to internal messages as well as external demands, we frequently ignore our body’s communications.

So we take another extra-strength aspirin rather than investigating what’s causing our head to ache. We use more caffeine or sugar to give us a lift when we feel tired, rather than hearing our body’s message about needing rest or recognizing our fatigue as an early symptom of burnout we’d do well to heed. A look at little children may be all the message we need about the value of naps.

We fail to take into account the thousand little messages communicated to us by how we’re holding ourselves: the mouth that’s pinched and tight rather than relaxed. The fact that our shoulders are up around our ears, the knot of tension in our stomach as we promise to do something when closer consideration might tell us we are already over-extended.

Take Time to Grieve

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4).

In the aftermath of terrible tragedies—be they our own or a nation’s—we cannot ignore or hurry grief.

Grief is a complex process that takes many forms. When a mass tragedy occurs, not only do we grieve for the victims, but we also re-grieve from previous losses we’ve suffered. And when a parent dies, we grieve the past that dies, too. When a spouse dies, the present disappears. A child who dies takes a parent’s future with him.

Some say that the passage of time is the great emotional healer. In fact, it’s what you do with that time that is important.

When my mother suddenly passed away in 1975 at age 48, I wanted to be brave. I knew Mom would not want me to be sad, so I did not even go to Hong Kong for her funeral. I focused on completing my studies at Berkeley. After all, that's our plan. Mom wanted me to be successful in a new world, and I dreamed of one day buying her a big house and traveling with her around the world. I tried to move on, but part of me died with her. It was years later when I finally took time to grieve my loss.

The Feelings

During grief it is common to have many conflicting feelings: sorrow, anger, loneliness, anxiety, even guilt. Experiencing waves of these strong and often confusing emotions can make us feel out of control. In an attempt to regain a sense of control, we may deny the feelings.

Grace Awakening, Gratitude and Appreciation

Research conducted by Professor Robert Emmonds, University of California, Davis, has showed people would be happier, healthier, more able to deal with stress, more optimistic, and more willing to help others if they express appreciation at least five times per week.

The Bible says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

As we celebrate Thanksgiving, I am eager to share my gratitude and appreciation for Good Health, Relationships, and God.

On the first day of this year, I started to have back pain that got worse and worse.  Finally it was diagnosed to be Sciatica, a back pain caused by a problem with the sciatic nerve. That is a large nerve that runs from the lower back down the back of each leg. When something injures or puts pressure on the sciatic nerve, it can cause pain in the lower back that spreads from hip to leg.  When having pain sitting, standing, moving, and sleeping, I felt very sad.  I thought I could never enjoy taking walks again.  Imagine how grateful I am to resume walking in our neighborhood with James!

Without health, I cannot move.  But without relationships, I would starve emotionally.

I am so grateful for family, friends and everyone who has been in my life, even just for a short while.

I thought of a young couple I met in Germany while serving with James at a Discipleship Training Conference in 2010.

Relieve Stress Through Creativity

Busy? Stressed? Too many things happening? Not everything under your control? You are not alone!

Jessica is a high school English teacher. Her job entails stressful interactions with administration and students in addition to the pressures of lesson planning and grading.

On days off, she prioritizes creative pursuits. She makes collages out of artifacts from world travels to Turkey and South America. She takes dance classes. Photography provides another way to untangle her mind from the pressures of daily teaching work.

Jessica says that creativity gives her a chance to play—to do something where the stakes are low and there’s no judgment. “Without these creative outlets I would be a lot less fun in the classroom and less open to the whimsical creativity of my students,” she says. “I’d definitely be more stressed out and wouldn’t enjoy teaching so much.”

As Jessica’s story shows, in a fast-paced world, creativity can be a fantastic stress relief tool. Whether we make collages, plant a garden, toss paint onto a canvas, or play the guitar—stress tends to go out the window when we let our creativity run wild.

Why Incorporate Creativity into our Daily Lives?
According to Ruth Richards, author of Everyday Creativity, creativity is necessary and attainable for everyone. It is “one of the most powerful capacities we have, bringing us alive in each moment, affecting our health and well-being, offering richness and alternatives in what we do, and helping us move further in our creative and personal development.”