When he was a boy, Stan vowed he’d never be a father
like his own father—aloof, critical and emotionally unavailable. Yet, 30 years
later, he catches himself treating his son harshly and constantly judging him
for not measuring up.
Patricia loves her job and her boss. The only thorn is that her boss prizes punctuality and Patricia just can’t seem to be on time for anything, whether it’s a team meeting or that project that was due last week.
What Stan and Patricia have in common is the all-too-common disease called self-sabotage. It eats away inside, creating a cycle of self-destruction with the result that we aren’t really living the life we want for ourselves, nor the life that God intends us to have.
Recognizing self-defeating thoughts and behavior is the first step to
change. Many experts agree that to change the behavior, people must change
their thinking. Therefore, the first step is to observe ourselves and our
thoughts.
The next step is to take responsibility for our thoughts and behavior—so that we control them and they stop controlling us. If we accept that we are doing this to ourselves, we can also understand that we have the option to change.
Self-observation is a powerful tool against the behaviors that defeat us. For example, Stan could take his son fishing and be careful to be positive and to stay silent when he feels a criticism rising in his throat. To do this, he would first have to decide that a good relationship with his son was more important that being “right.”
Setting a goal is the next step. Without blame or shame, choose one behavior to change. For example, Patricia could decide not to be late anymore. To do this, she would have to decide that something was more important than being late—a job she loves, for example. One tactic might be to write a positive affirmation each night in a journal, or set her clock an hour early, or enlist a friend to call her for a week, reminding her to walk out the door. After a while, the rewards of being on time could become greater than the self-defeating cycle of being late.
It’s not easy to change patterns of self-sabotage, but with time and practice—and a good dose of self-love—it is possible to end a self-defeating cycle and live the life we truly want for ourselves.
Jesus knew our circumstances and conditions. He knows the human hearts, and he came to save us. That's why he told His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)
Are you struggling with the ups and downs of life? How have you been sabotaging yourself? Write me if you wanted to get some help and prayers.
Patricia loves her job and her boss. The only thorn is that her boss prizes punctuality and Patricia just can’t seem to be on time for anything, whether it’s a team meeting or that project that was due last week.
What Stan and Patricia have in common is the all-too-common disease called self-sabotage. It eats away inside, creating a cycle of self-destruction with the result that we aren’t really living the life we want for ourselves, nor the life that God intends us to have.
Self-sabotage “hides
inside us and toils against our best interest. If we don’t succeed in
identifying and owning this sinister part, we can never be free,” says Stanley
Rosner, author of The Self-Sabotage Cycle:
Why We Repeat Behaviors That Create Hardships and Ruin Relationships.
Numerous studies show
that women are more prone to lower self-esteem and self-doubting thoughts. This
leads to self-sabotaging behavior, according to author Nancy Good. In her book Slay Your Own Dragons: How Women Can
Overcome Self-Sabotage in Love and Work, she lists several signs of self-defeating
behavior that women (and men) can recognize:
1. Being overly
passive, fearful, listless or indecisive, so that chances pass us by.
2. Having a
chronically chaotic financial situation.
3. Being controlled
by depression and anxiety.
4. Being controlled
by compulsive behaviors to abuse alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, physical
exercise, etc. Being compulsively late. Expressing anger inappropriately.
5. Being mistreated
by partners and spouses. Being stuck in an unhappy relationship but doing
nothing to change the situation. Having a series of unsatisfying relationships.
The next step is to take responsibility for our thoughts and behavior—so that we control them and they stop controlling us. If we accept that we are doing this to ourselves, we can also understand that we have the option to change.
Self-observation is a powerful tool against the behaviors that defeat us. For example, Stan could take his son fishing and be careful to be positive and to stay silent when he feels a criticism rising in his throat. To do this, he would first have to decide that a good relationship with his son was more important that being “right.”
Setting a goal is the next step. Without blame or shame, choose one behavior to change. For example, Patricia could decide not to be late anymore. To do this, she would have to decide that something was more important than being late—a job she loves, for example. One tactic might be to write a positive affirmation each night in a journal, or set her clock an hour early, or enlist a friend to call her for a week, reminding her to walk out the door. After a while, the rewards of being on time could become greater than the self-defeating cycle of being late.
It’s not easy to change patterns of self-sabotage, but with time and practice—and a good dose of self-love—it is possible to end a self-defeating cycle and live the life we truly want for ourselves.
Jesus knew our circumstances and conditions. He knows the human hearts, and he came to save us. That's why he told His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)
Are you struggling with the ups and downs of life? How have you been sabotaging yourself? Write me if you wanted to get some help and prayers.
Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications
