They slice and dice, cutting wounds not easily healed by
pacifying words.
They inflame like a lit match near gasoline.
They suck the life out of all that they touch.
They’re the zingers we fling at each other during
arguments, the cruel and aggressive wisecracks or retorts that escalate a fight
like nothing else. And when the zingers begin to outnumber the kind words
spoken to each other, it may be too late to fix the relationship because the
love has dried up and blown away.
Learning how to communicate well in a conflict—how to
argue without hurting and insulting each other—is possibly the most important
relationship survival skill ever. Doing so reduces divorce and domestic
violence rates—and increases personal happiness, relationship satisfaction and
peace of mind.
Here, then, are a few one-liners you’d do well to
avoid:
“That’s not what’s
happening here!” This is just one of many versions of the line: “I’m right
and you’re wrong!” And whether you say it or just think it, the only thing
“You’re wrong!” creates is a lose-lose situation.
“You always…” or
“You never…” Starting a sentence
with either two-word phrase is guaranteed to raise temperatures. How about
stating instead that the other person does XYZ “more times than feels good.”
Rather than, “You never listen to me,” try something like this: “When you
respond that way, I get the sense that you’re not understanding me in the way
I’d like you to.”
“You really know
how to hurt me.” This line assumes that the other person is intentionally
trying to hurt you. It also implies that someone other than yourself has power
over what you feel. It places you in the role of emotional “victim.” But you
can choose whether or not to be hurt by someone’s actions.
“How can you be
that way?” This isn’t really a question. It’s an aggressive statement
something to the effect of, “You’re a terrible person, and you should be
ashamed of yourself."
We keep arguing because we think we are right or we have to defend ourselves even if we were wrong; but there is a deeper meaning: we argue because we care about this particular subject matter. I used to argue with James a lot about parenting issues. To change, I need to have more awareness, knowledge, and skills, and I need to be intentional. How about you? What kind of improvements do you need?
"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:19-20)
Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications
